Sunday, November 30, 2008

Niblet & Snipet



BANANA: Mommy why didn't you call 911 when your phone got stolen at the restaurant last night?
ME: Well, honey, because my phone got stolen from a coat check and nobody saw it get stolen.
BANANA: But couldn't the police catch the robber?
ME: No honey, he was too quick for them. By the time they would have arrived he was long gone.
BANANA: (After thinking for a minutes) Well...if I caught that Chinaman I would kick him in the nuts.
ME: But honey-we don't know who it was.
BANANA: But you said his name was Long Gone.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Winners 11/24/08

video

No-that's not my real voice
Yes- that is a rather unattractive mole like thing on the back of my hand.

Thanks for playing--your jokes were AWESOME!

Our Lips Are Sealed


Sexyhusbandomine and I have different opinions about what constitutes A DANGER TO OUR SPAWN.

For example, despite my protests, he allowed them to have things like Hotdogs and Grapes when they were both three years old, even though I informed him of both the National and International Choking Statistics. Daredevil Daddy that he is, he allows them to do things like RUN and JUMP, while I jog behind them out of breath, clutching the Neosporin in my pocket, praying to St. Patella; Patron Saint of Skinned Knees. As if this were not enough; he has given both ComplicatedBoy and The Banana SIPS OF ICED TEA- even though I told him I would so not forgive him if the caffeine stunted their growth, allowed them to play with PLASTIC TOOTHPICK SWORDS -even though I told him they could lose an eye, and ALLOWED CBOY TO OPERATE POWER TOOLS. Ok, to be fair, that was Grandpa, but still....

The other day he allowed CBoy to have a tube of Blistex. CBoy loved his blue tube of Blistex, applied it numerous times throughout the day and took it with him everywhere he went. As the day ended, he requested that he be allowed to sleep with his Blistex....which is when I discovered it and Took It Away because I'm pretty sure Blistex has some kind of Medicine in it. ( I don't know for sure because SHOM prevented me from calling Poison Control by insisting that those people were too busy dealing with "real emergencies." So I laid awake all night worrying that my poor baby has been applying what could be the waxy equivalent of DDT to his lips for a full day.)

At the break of dawn, we bundled up and I took CBoy to CVS and introduced him the wonderful world of safe, non-toxic lip balms in Vanilla, Cherry, Grape, Orange, and Root Beer. A full pack of delicious chapsticks that he could take with him everywhere he went.


After dropping CBoy off at school this morning. SHOM turned to me and asked me which I thought was worse: The Blistex, or the fact that I had sent my seven year old son to school with a full assortment of pink labeled, tinted LipSmackers.


P.S. Giveaway results announced later this afternoon.

Friday, November 21, 2008

FRIDAY MUD GIVEAWAY 11/21/08


Today's giveaway is for LOSERS. That's right! The only people who are allowed to enter are: PEOPLE WHO HAVE NEVER WON ANYTHING FROM OUR NAME IS MUD. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. NOT EVEN AN OWL. You are playing for an original LOL Mug designed by me and available from www.ournameismud.com.

This is the perfect mug for drinking a beverage while sitting at your computer corresponding with that kind gentleman in Nigeria who just informed you that you have won the lottery! Take a few sips before you hand over all that account info. The back of this mug reads: Take a Moment and Restart. Which should make you ROFLMAO. Great gift for the office or that special BFF. Individually handpainted in vibrant blue and green.

TO ENTER:

1. In the comments section below tell me a joke.
2. One entry per person please.
3. Winner announced at some point Monday.
4. Try to keep it cleanish people: my Mother In Law reads this thing.

Good Luck!!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Hats! Hats For Sale! 50 Cents a Hat!

It is 34 degrees this morning on the island of Manhattan. I can see my breath clearly: and not just because I had scampi last night. This morning I exclaimed "It's colder than a witch's teet!" and Cboy's ears perked right up, and all of a sudden I found my self trying to explain what a teet was... and the reason we were ten minutes late for school is that I had a hard time convincing The Banana that COWS DO NOT PEE MILK.

While it pains me to put away my glamerous plastic hair clippy things for the season, it is time to make one of the most important purchases of the season: A HAT.

Like most New Yorkers, this is what I wore LAST YEAR:






But I grew tired of being mistaken for a wayward sherpa. I need something different this year.
Perhaps I should go whimsical..



But then everytime I bump into someone on the street and they ask me how I'm doing, I'm going have to say "Grrrrrrrrrr-reat" and that could get pretty old pretty fast. Maybe I should go for warmth..


But I kind of feel like this hat screams : My other car is a wooden sleigh pulled by six clydesdales. Better suited for someone named Karina or Anastasia. Speaking of which, do you think this hat would make me look like a socialist?

I wouldn't mind a hat that does something helpful. For instance this one:

I believe if you tell it all your worries, it solves them overnight. And that got me thinking...is it possible to find a hat that solves ALL your problems? Why yes... indeed it is:

Now-if they could only invent the matching winter coat.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Did Elvis Costello really write a book? Everyday?


This whole "I'm gonna write a book" thing? MUCH HARDER than I first thought. You have to be disciplined, and focused, and make time to do it: all of which makes it sound oddly like EXERCISE, and we all know how I feel about that. As far as I am concerned treadmills are just another surface on which to drape clothing.

Confession: I am a slacker about a lot of things. (But not my commitment to teach The Spawn how to use a corkscrew. My seven year old can't tie his own shoelaces, but you should see him cut the foil away on a bottle of Chard.)

My Junior year in college, I took a class called Feminism in Literature, thinking it would be a bunch of chicks sitting around discussing the latest Jackie Collins. Boy, was I wrong.

The first two tests were essay tests, and I wrote my usual quirky-innovative-insightful-bullsh!t disguised as genius-type of essays. Like an audience at a late night comedy club, I figured if I could get the professor to laugh within the first two paragraphs, that I was guaranteed a good review. Except Ms. Vandam did not have a sense of humor; it had been lost the fifth time she read "The Dam is a Dyke" on the restroom wall. So I got two D's, and while I often longed for double Ds back then-these were not the kind I wanted.

If this were a Teen Nick Movie of the week starring Hillary Duff, this is where I would of hit the books hard, and gone on to earn academic redemption. But this is a true story about Real Life, so I did what any smart, disciplined, focused and committed student in my position would do: I cheated.

My friend Liz--her last name escapes me but I know she always smelled of patrouli and got GREAT marks--took the Feminism in Literacy midterm early, and let me know what the main essay questions were on it. From there it was a matter of memorizing Ms. Vandam's lectures verbatim, and regurgitating them Word for Word into the blue test booklet.

A week later, Ms. Vandam asked me to stay after class and speak with her. I sat nervously at my desk while the rest of the students filed out of the room, composing all sorts of defenses in my mind. Ms. Vandam pulled my test booklet from the drawer of her desk and held it out to me. I could see the bright red A from two rows back. NEVER IN HER ENTIRE CAREER AS A PROFESSOR, she said, HAD SHE BEEN SO IMPRESSED WITH A STUDENT'S PROGRESS. She went on for the next fifteen minutes about my incredible insight, and mastery of the genre. Then Ms. Vandam announced that she was filming an episode for cable television on Virginia Woolf's Mrs. Dalloway and that TWO sudents from the entire university were to be handpicked to participate in the panel discussion. One of those students would be ME.

They filmed the cable show at 6:30 am, which in college student time is 4:30 am. I sat in a chair that was part of an arranged circle of chairs, populated by various professors and one other student. The set was bathed in blue television lighting. The chair was warm. The erudite panel began discussing various themes. Time passed. The chair was warm. In the final fifteen minutes, Ms. Vandam threw a question to me. Silence.

Somewhere in the archives of a New Jersey cable television station exists a two second shot of me, fast asleep, with a thin line of drool hanging from the corner of my lip to my crew neck sweater.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Contest Winners

video

SEVEN WINNERS ARE ANNOUNCED ON THIS SHORT VIDEO: Are you one of them? If not--don't worry! The future holds more Giveaways! You can always buy MUD stuff at www.ournameismud.com and the cute pilgrim figurines are from Janelle Berryman's Pumpkinseeds line at www.enesco.com (my parent company)

If you have won-please email me at LVMud@aol.com with your address so you can get your goodies before Turkey Day.

Friday, November 14, 2008

FRIDAY MUD GIVEAWAY 11/14/08



Hurray for FRIDAY! This week's giveway is in keeping with November's GRATITUDE theme. It's a ceramic BLESSINGS jar. It's a great activity to do with your family this Thanksgiving. Write down the things you are grateful for on the paper hearts that are included, and then re-read them from year to year.

This contest ends Monday 11/17/08.
Winners will be chosen at random.
One entry per person.
TO ENTER: You are stranded on a desert island and have access to only ONE BLOG IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD. Forget your friendships and your loyalties-this isn't about that. You can only read ONE (and it's not your own, BTW.) WHAT BLOG IS IT? Answer in the comments section below.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Just Like Marlon Brando in 1973


I truly love my friends who live in the computer. Many of them, like Kristin at kwr221.blogspot.com, or the fabulous Le at thirdontheright.blogspot.com, have been kind enough to bestow all sorts of bloggy goodies upon me. Goodies & awards that I have often refused to accept. And not because I am ungrateful: I so appreciate being tagged or given some bloggy love. But at the end of the acceptance post you usually have to list a small amount of blogs to pass the award on to, and I have never wanted to HURT ANYONE'S FEELINGS, so I have declined the award instead.

This time an award came from Natasha at creativenachos.com. For almost the ENTIRE FIRST YEAR of my blog, she was often my ONE AND ONLY commentor. (Myfabulousmotherinlaw: Nonnee would often email me little messages like "That was funny!" but she thought you had to BUY a blogger account and so would never post.) Natasha kept me going by reading when nobody else did. She was my muse, my coach, my entire audience. She is a great friend and a great inspiration and she makes me try harder because she believes that I am a better person than I really am.

So I am going to accept this award and instead of listing six things that make me happy, I'm going to list six blogs that I love to read, that I hope will find a bigger audience than they currently have. Friends: if I did not pick your blog this time it's because I think you have more readers than the ones listed below, so please do not feel unloved. I read you- I heart you.

Six Blogs I think you should visit:

missthystle.com
Thystle is the kind of gal that you can't help liking even after you realize she has slept with your boyfriend. She is sugar, spice and everything kick ass. One day she will write a poignant piece of poetry, the next she will raunchily describe her bodily functions, but everything she writes is really brilliant. I lerves her.

zakaryw.blogspot.com
Zakary is HIGH-larious in a short & sweet kind of way. I always enjoy a visit to her blog- she's cool and funny and she doesn't waste words. She also has one of my favorite bloggy daughters, Zoe--who paints pictures and then titles them "this is not crap." I lerves her too. And also: her blog led me to an incredible blog: KRAIGG (see below)

kraigg.blogspot.com
This is a MAN ladies; A MAN WHO CAN WRITE. And I mean; This Man Can Write. Wether it's scathing diatribes about his ex-wife or sensitive posts about his dying dog...this guy proves that there are INTELLIGENT MEN out there in the blogsphere. Plus, Kraigg leaves the funniest comments if you can get him to read your blog. Trust me on this. I'm sure he'll have something to say on this one...No Pressure Kraigg. Ladies are Waiting...Dance, monkey, dance.

lifespatula.blogspot.com
Spatz is a starving (well not really: she still lives with her parents) artist who makes amazing paintings with words along with her brushes. She is funny, smart, cute and SINGLE. I really should hook her up with Kraig.

toothlessalcoholic.blogspot.com
The husband of one of my Bestest Friends In Real Life. Who once turned to me when he was drunk and told me that it was possible that we had nothing in common beside our mutual love of alcohol and the fact that our kids played well together. Well Ha on You Mr. Kramer: now we have blogging in common, so there.

dontoverthinkit.blogspot.com AND waitwaittheresmore.blogspot.com
Because BJ and Racie are linked together and are both great Texas gals who are smart, and funny and while they do go on and often forget this little thing called punctuation they sure are smart and funny did I say that already?

I wish I was allowed to post more: somebody get me another award... I kid, I kid. Let me know what you think of these blog suggestions below. O- and look what's on my mantlepiece now, would ya:



Mega Giveaway Winners Announced




THANK YOU to those of you who voted and moved my blog up to the top of the list for best hobby blog at www.bloggerschoiceawards.com I wish I had something for each of you...so come a little closer to the monitor...closer...closer.... *MWAH* Big wet sloppy kiss for everyone!

We held a VERY SCIENTIFIC DRAWING at Chez Veasey tonight. We were unable to film it, but please trust that it involved super advanced giveaway equipment like A HAT and A SMALL CHILD'S HAND.

The big winner is:
Rpc54

The two runners up (who get a little sumpin sumpin) are
Eviltwinswife
Creative_Momma

Please email me at LVMud@aol.com with your address to claim your prize.

Also: big shout out to Deb at www.suburbsanity.blogspot.com who has a fabulous post about practicing gratitude and who ran a giveaway on a MUD platter. If you'd like an item to offer your readers in a giveaway (and you have the google stats to prove that people other than your mom read your blog) please email me and let me know. We like to share the MUD, share the LOVE.

And don't forget: there will be ANOTHER giveaway tomorrow.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Sunshine on My Shoulders Makes Me Sunburned


We're back from a wonderful mini-vacation in Florida. We loved seeing our friends and soaking up the sun. Highlights of our trip included....

- Seeing the house used by drug dealers in Miami Vice. The pool extends into the living room. CBoy has his heart set on it for Christmas. I knew I should have never let that boy watch Miracle on 34th Street.

- Watching a man wrestle an alligator. The man said he wrestled alligators for conservation purposes ("could you please leave a little something in the bucket to SAVE THE ALLIGATORS"). BUT RIDDLE ME THIS BATMAN: the pit was right beside a booth where they sold tiny alligator heads and tiny alligator feet.

- Great morning in the Ft. Lauderdale museum of Science...but starting to wonder if eventually museums will be mostly filled with computers instead of actual exhibits. COMPUTERS I CAN NOT FIGURE OUT HOW TO WORK I might mention. Looks like we'll be spending more time at Chuck E. Cheese going forward; that's technology I can master.

- Beach. Beach. Beach. Lots of frolicking in the waves. So much frolicking that Banana and CBoy had an accident--Cboy's head met Banana's nose causing a bright red gusher that went on endlessly and had the surf looking like a scene in JAWS. A bit later we realized that maybe keeping the small bloody child in the Florida ocean to rinse her off was not one of our better ideas.

- Three words we dread to hear the night before flying back: MY. TUMMY. HURTS. Immediately a million questions flew through my rum soaked brain: why do they make hotel wastebaskets so damn small... should we really have eaten at Bubba Gump Shrimp because CBoy wanted a light up glass... can we smuggle a vomiting child back on the plane in the morning.... And of course this type of thinking lead me to thoughts such as MY GAWD WHAT IF SHE HAS APPENDICITIS. At which point she was soundly asleep, having sucked on a tic tac that we told her was medicine, while I lay awake, heart thumping in the bed, until all the dark clouds that I imagined were swept away by another morning full of sunshine.

Friday, November 07, 2008

MEGA MUD FRIDAY GIVEAWAY


I am gonna ROCK YOUR THANKSGIVING with today's MUD giveaway. Win this baby and you get:
-A fabulous apron that reads: Holiday Meal Director
-Two: Too Blessed To Be Stressed Mugs
-Secret Sauce gravy boat
-Gobble Til You Wobble platter
-We are Thankful Platter
-I Yam So Thankful for all Our Stuffing/ Eat More Side dishes bowl.

TO ENTER:

- Go to www.bloggerschoiceawards.com and enter the name of this blog ournameisblog.blogspot.com into the search feature and vote for me for BEST HOBBY BLOG. I know it is a PITA to register to vote-- sorry!!! If you've already voted you are already entered!

-Winner will be selected from the voters only at www.bloggerschoiceawards.com - NOT FROM COMMENTS. Winners selected Thursday November 13 . Two second prize winners will receive something too!

- Yes: I HAVE NO SHAME. Obviously.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Not another post about Voting-sheesh!

My site was nominated for Best Hobby Blog!

I figure if Obama can win...well... so can I! HOW MANY AWARDS DOES DOOCE REALLY NEED ANYWAY?!?

Please head on over to www.bloggerschoiceawards.com and register to vote. Then put the name of this blog (ournameisblog.blogspot) into the search field and please vote for me for BEST HOBBY BLOG.

Expect me to rerun this shameless plea for self promotion several times over the next few months. Thank you advance for your support and I promise if I ever get to be a big blogess I will not forget those commentors who made me what I am....you know, erm, what's her face and whosit.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Letter From Mom 11/5/2008


Dear Jesse and Annie,

Many years from now, your therapist might suggest you unearth the past as it exists in cyberspace and read the ramblings of your mother. First- let me apologize for the damage that knowing I once got hot and sweaty for Barry Gibb may cause you. Second- it was Daddy's decision to put the cat down: not me. And finally: yes-this is what I was doing on the computer every time I told you I had VERY IMPORTANT work to do, and ok...that stuff in my glass was not apple juice that had turned.

Today is a big day in history.

Last night, Barack Obama was elected the 44th President of These United States.

Jesse-you came into our bed in the middle of the night as you do every night, and you sleepily asked who had won, and when Daddy told you you were all like: "WOO-HOO, first the Phillies and now THIS. I can pretty much get anything I wish for!" And then you asked where I had put your Christmas list because you wanted to add a BB gun.

Annie- I told you this morning that Obama had won, and added that YOU could grow up and be President too! You said you would really rather be that lady that takes care of the kittens at PetCo.

I fell asleep last night flipping channels between election results and whatever else was on. Which happened to be a show on the food channel about eating ant larvae. They say it is crunchy and gooshy at the same time: a textural delicacy.

This is a happy day on so many levels. It is a day I feel like I could hug complete strangers. It is a day I believe that the electorial system in our country actually can serve the people--if the people turn out. It is a day when I am happy for all people of color-especially those whose ancestors built this country on the backs of their slave labor. It is a day ripe with HOPE. It is a day when many of us got in line behind a good man who promised us that together we could create change.

I celebrate this day because I think this man will help make this world a better place for YOU. I hope when you read this note that there is peace, and polar bears, universal health care, and that Uncle Robert got to marry his boyfriend.

I am at a loss to fully describe what this day means. I will let my cyber friends say it better in the comments section below.

I promise I will write again in four or eight years, when a woman is elected.

Love you with all my heart,
Mommy

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Now on to IMPORTANT THINGS



I'm so glad this election is almost over if for no other reason that we can finally chat about THE IMPORTANT STUFF THAT EFFECTS US ALL.

I am, of course, talking about Joaquin Phoenix saying BYE! GOOD to Hollywood. He made the announcement official this past weekend, but we were all a leeetle busy so you might have missed it.

Maybe it's my abandonment issues, but it pains me to see him leave. Especially without taking a shower and combing that hair first. Mister, you would not be walking out of my house looking like THAT.

I am one of the four people that loved SIGNS.

Now THE VILLAGE, eh..not so much... but he was still great in it: especially when he gets STABBED. I don't know about you, but nothing makes me weak in the knees like a leading man getting hurt in some way. *sigh* Instantly, I am eleven and Johnny Gage is bitten by a rattlesnake on a very special episode of EMERGENCY... Or Keith Partridge throws his back out or Peter Brady's voice cracks......I am hot and sweaty just thinking about it. So many men..so many accidents waiting to happen.

V O T E



"What the naysayers don't understand is that this election has never been about me. It's been about you."
-Barack Obama

Monday, November 03, 2008

MoNDaY'S WiNNeRS



Happy Monday Everybody!

Kristin of www.kwr221.blogspot Give Me A Minute I'll Come Up With Something was correct when she guessed the inside of this box says: YoU WiLL NeVeR FiND TiMe...YoU MuST MaKe TiMe.

Clever Girl. She is the winner of this little trinket box BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!

I got so distracted watching the clock on Friday and wondering when cocktail hour was going to roll around, that I don't think I clearly explained how winners would be selected: through a VERY SCIENTIFIC PROCESS that involves me asking Jack (random guy who works here) to pick a number 1-27. So, to be fair... we have another winner! Dayna, from www.lookthroughoureyes.blogspot.com Even though she obviously doesn't need it; we're giving Dayna this INVISIBLE LUCK DUST BOX.


BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE! You all left such GREAT COMMENTS. I pulled out a few of my favorites here (please don't feel badly if I didn't pick yours this time.) . Vote for your favorite comment below and the TWO comments with the most votes will win this:


Vote for your favorite comment in response to: what does it say inside the box labeled ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD by Wednesday November 5.

BJ: I was wondering where I put it.
Steve: Don't spend it all in one place.
Judy: Love
Debbie: You were expecting more?