Friday, March 27, 2009

STeaL THiS MeMe



Happy Friday Chickens!

Thystle created her own meme, which you may steal on her blog, or from here if your Mother in Law reads your blog too, and you need to edit all the porn references.

1. Three items you would take to a desert island and why. Don't be a loser and say "a boat" either, ok?
* Maryanne's recipe for Coconut Cream Pie, preferably tucked into the back pocket of the Professor's chinos.
* Time-Life's DO IT YOURSELF library including: Do It Yourself Dentistry and Do It Yourself Raft Building.
*A sweater. I've heard it gets cold there at night.

2. If you could only save three people from zombies who they would be?
*I have three people in my immediate family, so duh, of course I would save Johnny Depp.
* I would NOT save Anne Coulter, Howard Stern or Lindsay Lohan. I know many would be grateful.
* I don't care if that was not the question.


3. If you had to smell like a food, which three foods would you prefer?
* I get a migraine smelling strong smells, so I'm gonna have to go with blue food coloring. Currently I smell like some type of super secret dog food that only canines can smell, and for some reason it seems to gather in my lap.

4. Three books you wish you'd never read?
* American Psycho. Good Lord that man is twisted.
* Map of the World, Jane Hamilton. Several hundred pages of misery and sadness, I don't need a book for that.
* The Shack-I've said this before: if your young daughter goes missing and you had an opportunity to meet and speak to God how many days would you spend discussing theology instead of asking where she is?

5. Three biggest lies your parents told you?
* I don't think my parents ever really lied to me about much, so I will change this to the three biggest lies we are currently telling our Spawn:
* That nice camp in Upstate New York was full and had no spots left.
* Chirpie died of natural causes
* We are holding your allowance in a special account somewhere.

6. Three favorite band names (real, or "If we had a band we should call it...")?
*Above Average Weight Band
*The Band Formerly Known as Sausage
* Are These My Pants?

7. Three things that make you go "ew"?
* slugs. Especially if you step on them at night time in your bare feet while you are walking around the beach house and they squoosh up between your naked toes and....omg I need to go vomit.

8. What are your three biggest addictions?
* Tea with Milk and Sweet and Low made with deli water. About 16 cups a day.
* Black cardigans. Once wore one everyday for three years in a row. This season, broke out into sage green.
* Google Analytics.

9. Chicken and waffles are ever so tasty; three food combos so wrong they're right?
* Peanut butter and jelly sandwich with crushed freetos.
* Saltines and green grapes
* Burger King Whopper and a Chocolate Slim Fast.

10. Three bloggers you would make out with?
In deference to Nonnee, and despite the fact that I know Ashton Kutcher twitters a lot, I'm gonna change this to Three Things Bloggers do that sometimes Annoy Me.
* Answer their commentors in their comments section MULTIPLE TIMES. So it looks like they have gotten 68 responses to a post, but it's really because they write a response to Every Single Comment.
* Write monthly newsletters to their daughters
* Fill in memes. Ooops: that would be me. Maybe I should have just said I would do Thystle.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

WoRDLeSS WeDNeSDaY WiTH SoMe WoRDS

So this is how the week started out for me on Monday:


Then, here's Tuesday


And finally--here's how today went:


But I am not complaining-o no-not me


BECAUSE


And I'm not just saying that because they give me dental, either.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

ADViCe FoR My FeLLoW BLoGGeSSeS


Hello Chickens! I am sorry I have not been around lately: it is very hard to type on a keyboard and run on the hamster wheel at the same time. I PROMISE I will be by Your blog to visit soon and catch up, but in the meantime wanted to make sure you were not getting into trouble. So here are some friendly reminders of ...

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER WRITE ON YOUR BLOG

Sorry I haven’t blogged for a few days I had to hide the murder weapon and body down at the old cabin by the lake.

I changed my Paypal password to my birthday so it’s easy to remember.

I think most of the people who work for Homeland Security are lilly livered pansies.

Does anyone know how to set up emails for future delivery in AOL? I’ll be leaving work early, but want to send a few emails to make it look like I’m still there.

The girl we hired last week to work the receptionist desk has a really large Adams apple.

My broker just called me with a great insider tip to buy some stock. I'll post it in a sec.

I think the marijuana should be out of my blood system by next Tuesday for my drug test.

I love reading spam comments in my blog. They are fascinating: sometimes I even visit the sites and I am always looking for a cheap source for viagra.

My company's year end financial statments will be out next week, I’ll post them on my blog tommorow.

Here’s how to get a fake social security number for your cat so you can claim it as a dependent on your taxes. I've done this for the past six years: those IRS guys are such dummies.

The user name and password to my blog are …

Your turn, chickens...

Friday, March 20, 2009

EnD O THe WeeK


Image: The Mountain Swallows Sadness

It's Friday, Chickens.

This week brought such sadness with the news of Natasha Richardson's untimely and sudden death. My heart breaks for her two young sons, and for her husband & family, who so obviously adored her.

It is interesting to me how the deaths of celebrities can effect us so deeply. I know exactly where I was when I learned of Princess Diana's death, have friends that could not function after John Lennon was killed, and others who still tear up when they see reruns of SNL with Phil Hartman, or old footage of JFK Jr. In today's age of media madness, strangers can feel like family.

This is yet another reminder of how fleeting life can be: we must value each moment.

"And nothing can we call our own but death
And that small model of the barren earth
Which serves as paste and cover to our bones.
For God's sake, let us sit upon the ground
And tell sad stories of the death of kings."
William Shakespeare

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

BoTToM O THe MoRNiN To Ya




As you all know, St. Patrick's Day was yesterday. Go here to find out your leprechaun name: mine is Greenie Bottlesipper.



St. Patrick's Day in NYC can be quite loverly. The air is filled with the sound of bagpipes and jolly people in funny hats stand outside of Irish pubs drinking green beer. It is magically delicious.



Once upon a time, we lived on the Upper East Side. (For those of you unfamiliar with Manhattan, that is where George and Wheezy mooo-ooved on up to.) The Upper East Side is traditionally where many of New York's finest police and firemen gather after the big St. Patty's parade to get their drunk on and sing Danny Boy. One St. Pat's, some time ago, Sexyhusbandomine and I were returning from work in our car and turned a corner, nearly colliding with a drunken man who had stumbled into the crosswalk against the light. He looked at us for a moment, reached into his waistband and pulled out a gun, and aimed it right at our windshield. He then continued to stumble across the street, made it to a corner mailbox and threw up in it.


Ah, St. Patty's Day in The Citay: almost as good as New Year's Eve.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

ON THe SeVeNTH DaY

BANANNA SAYS:

Today is Sunday and the WHOLE WORLD does not have to work! Everybody is off work! Except for Chinese People. Because they have to cook dinner.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Happy Birthday Complicated Boy!

video

Eight Years of Jesse

THRee WiNNeRS

Good Afternoon Chickens. I've got some Winners to announce:

Now, I'll bet you all thought Kreg had every CAPTION THIS contest in the bag. That man is so talented & uber creative with the one liners--he's like the Darren Stevens of the Blogosphere. But Kreg HATES Starbucks, chickens-so last time he won I had to give his gift card to a homeless man who was standing outside the store. What Kreg really wants to win is a Swedish Hooker, and I just don't have any spares to give away. So, with his kind permission, we will enjoy his biting wit but he will not be eligible for prizes he has no interest in winning. (At some point maybe we can all take up a collection and buy him five minutes on the phone with a gal named Inga.)

So without The Master in the running, the winner of the previous CAPTION THIS contest is:


LITTLE JACK HAS TO DO EVERYTHING BASS ACKWARDS, By Rachel @ Just Another Day in Paradise.

The winner of the YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME CLOCK

Chosen at random by Just Some Guy is.... MAMBINKI from Mambinki.blogspot

And the winner of this week's CAPTION THIS contest is...

And this is when we realized we shouldn't have read Twilight to little Billy. Submitted by Deb from Suburb Sanity

Hot Diggity Dog--Congratulations to the weiners. Eme with your addresses so I can stalk send you your prizes.

And remember, the rest of you: you are allllllllll winners in my book.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

BaBieS aND KiTTeNS



When I was six, I went over to Kimberly Johnson's house to see her NEW KITTENS. Mr. Johnson popped his head in while I was visiting, and told me that house rules required that I take a kitten home with me when I left. I was six and had not yet mastered the fine art of sarcasm. Kimberly helped me smuggle the brown striped one out in my pink windbreaker.

My mother was not a happy camper when she discovered the reason our dog had been barking for half an hour at the shoe box hidden in my closet. I told her Mr. Johnson MADE me take the kitten home, and she gave him the cold shoulder at the next annual neighborhood block party. But she let me keep it, and I named it Tigger, and loved it for the next twelve years until my mother called me between classes in college to tell me that she had had to put her down, and I wept like a baby through all of American History and Existential Literature.

That's today's story Chickens. Just a friendly reminder that next time a neighborhood kid comes over for a visit that you should watch what you say. Cause one smart ass remark can change the course of history.

Caption this photo to win a $5.00 Starbucks Gift Card! (Photo sent in by Carrie at Pearls Of Something.)

Monday, March 09, 2009

WHaT SaViNGS?



Good Morning, Chickens!

Traditionally, this is the blog where each year I write how very much I Hate Really Really Hate Absolutely Cannot Stand dislike "Spring Ahead" Daylight Savings Time, and you comment en masse about how great it is to have an extra hour of sunshine at the end of the day, and tell me to "Lighten Up" (that one really gets me because blondes have more puns) ,

So I am going to spare you my usual diatribe and try to put all my energy into turning back The Spawn's internal clocks so that they are less aware that as a result of this time change, they have to go to bed an hour earlier and wake up an hour earlier. Time, time, time...see what's become of me....


So: laughing as I build sandcastles in the old Hour Glass of Time, may i present a Daylight Savings Giveaway:



From the OUR NAME IS MUD clock collection, it's the THIS CLOCK IS NOT THE BOSS OF ME desk clock, hand painted and made from the finest dolomite around. Yours for the having if you follow these simple rules:

-Enter by blogging about Daylight Savings Time on your own blog and linking back to this one. It can be a simple sentence at the end of another blog post, or a whole essay about how we play with fire when we mess with the whole time-space continumum.
-Leave me a comment below with a link to your post.
-Winner picked at random from entries Wednesday night and announced here Thursday morning.

Have a great day chickens.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

THiS ONe'S FoR NoNNee

So my Fabulousmotherinlaw, Nonnee, thinks my blog postings as of late have been a wee bit bitter whiney gloomy lacking in the usual sunshine department-so I thought I'd Build You Up, Buttercups, with a different kind of post for today.

I'm going to talk about how very Happy & Grateful I am for five random things. Not the big, obvious things-like my wonderful family, friends, job, health, etc. etc. etc (did I mention my Wonderful Mother in Law?) but here's a tribute to some little Under Appreciated Things.

I AM VERY GRATEFUL FOR THINSULATE
I love the genius who invented the stuff that could keep you warm without making you look like The Michelin Man.


Now I can only hope that this particular Einstein would consider lending his/her talents to the redesign of the skirted swimsuit.

I AM VERY GRATEFUL FOR RUBBER BANDS
Did you know you could hook these beauties around the top button of your jeans and thread them through the button hole and gain a whole inch? Not that, erm, I've ever actually had to do that; but still, nice to know that thanks to these little elastic wonders that YOU CAN.

I am also so grateful that the memories of the time when I had rubber bands connecting my upper and lower jaws have dimmed to the point where I no longer wince when I recall the image of leaning in for a kiss with Jimmy Johnson behind the bleachers after school and having one of those suckers pop right out and hit him in the eye. That night I cried myself to sleep and rusted my headgear.



I AM VERY GRATEFUL FOR ZICAM

It's helped me fight off many a potential cold. Course, my Sister in Law, who is a doctor, says it's gonna give me Alzheimers when I am older, but that doesn't stop me from swabbing the old nasal passages with this wonder drug. I also swab the passages of my children. And I am grateful that I have never had the pleasure of administering medicine to my children into any orifice that wasn't located above the neck.



I also heart the person who invented these beauties--because now, even I take my vitamins. (But only the grape ones. Cuz that's how I roll.)


I AM VERY GRATEFUL FOR MILEY CYRUS
Because not only will typing her name like I just did move my blog up four pages in Google, but because she offers an alternative to The Jonas Brothers. Miley's also got Billy "Achey Brakey Heart" Ray to take a mind off of any unintentional suffering her Disney show may cause a parent who is forced to watch along with their children. The Joe Bros, on the other hand, always sound like they are really not getting enough roughage in their diets when they sing.


I AM VERY GRATEFUL FOR YOU INTERWEB PEEPS
I have been very busy on the hamster wheel of late and have not been by for a visit, but hope to come and see you soon. Thanks for sticking with me while I was on vacation and for continuing to leave comments that are often WAY funnier than my posts. I am coming up to my 500th Blog post very soon and have been discussing possibly stopping blogging. You know-the whole go out while you're on top thing:

But then I was like WHO AM I KIDDING? I can't stop blogging any more than Tina Turner can stop touring. She'll be 95 and still singing Thunderdome, and this will be me one day...


Except I might soak my dentures in a glass of Chard.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

THiS I SNoW

Yesterday was the first SNOW DAY in five years for New York City. I think we had a whole six inches, but The Winter Warlock could have been lying, and it might have just been four.

This was my walk to work yesterday.



The Spawn took their sleds to a parking lot and sat on them, wearing snow boots from last year that no longer fit. Today, the city is one big pool of grey slush.

Officially Spring begins in 18 days. Someone please send a memo to Mother Nature.