Our Name Is Blog

SoMeoNe'S iN THe KiTCHeN WiTH LoRRie

2012-01-26T11:37:00.007-05:00

I promised pictures of our new digs and here they are. Let's start the tour of Chez Veasey with the heart of our home...the kitchen. Here's what it looked like when we bought the house.

Perfectly usable kitchen, BUT Lots of Beige. And I am not a big fan of beige because it makes me look washed out. The floor was a lovely terra cotta tile and you could actually stand at the stove and practically reach into the fridge- which is convenient if you are trying to keep the wine chilled while you set the microwave to stun.

Here's another shot including our fabulous realtor. She looks a little washed out against all that beige, no?

Hmmm...what to do, what to do? Change the paint color? Buy new drapes? OR PERHAPS WE SHOULD......

That's what we did- took the room down to its studs. We can rebuild it. We can make it faster. We can make it stronger. (Insert theme from Six Million Dollar Man here.)
We put in a floor of dark cherry wood (not knowing what that would be like to clean later on), moved appliances, and made our own backsplash from 4 x 4 handmade tiles in several shades of blue and green. TA DA
We bought our table and chairs at Target and later jazzed them up with white vinyls from Etsy (shown in final picture). But that wall behind the table was so BIG. And our artwork (and budget) was so very very small.

The solution? We hit a bunch of tag sales and I made a bunch of paintings. We pulled everything together by using mostly black frames. And here is the result.
Really fun way to fill a big wall space.

OCCuPy OuR STReeT

2012-01-23T09:00:00.000-05:00

DISCLAIMER: This is not a political post. Seriously. I haven't cared about politics since Tina Fey ran for president awhile ago. It is certainly not political satire. Because I would have to understand an issue before I poked fun at it--all I know about Occupy Wall Street is that there are A LOT of people and too few bathrooms. Hey.... wait a second...

Recently, a new movement found its way from Wall Street to the Walls of Chez Veasey. OCCUPY OUR STREET is a movement of 1% of The Spawn in protest of the 99% of the elitist, capitalistic parental units who head up the household. The protest was started by The Banana in response to events in which Household Leaders could not locate several hundred miscellaneous toys that were said to have been Quote: "In a box we haven't unpacked yet from our move 8 months ago" Unquote.

One source was reported as saying that one toy in particular, a very large FUR REAL horse that went by the name of Butterscotch, was unceremoniously chopped into small furry pieces in the dead of night and then whisked away Pre Dawn by NYC sanitation. "We Dextered that thing" the Source (who may or may not have been drunk at the time, and may or may not have been Sexyhusbandomine) is reported as saying. "Put the body parts out in several black plastic trash bags. Butterscotch sleeps with the fishes now."

Protesters, which include The Banana and two cats, also voiced extreme displeasure at the disappearance of a dozen toys that were once included in a Happy Meal. "Those were really special," sobbed the only protester capable of human speech. "I can't remember what they were and they might have been broken, but they were the most important thing in the world to me. Along with my collection of tags that I made Mom cut out of my shirts because they itched and....heyyyyy....wait a second....where is my tag collection?"

Other demands on the part of the two legged protester include:
- A ban of all cheese in the household
- Later bedtime if something good is on Teen Nick
- Socks that do not have the line in them at the toes

All three protesters agree and call for MORE BACON.

We do not know how long OCCUPY OUR STREET will last, but we have a feeling once it becomes boring, that Banana will be back to occupying Sesame Street. Where 99% of the cookies are consumed by 1% of the monsters, the few prosper while others live in a garbage can, and wages at Mr. Hooper's store have been frozen since 1982.

ArTsY SMaRTsY

2012-01-19T14:34:00.007-05:00

I recently stepped out of my comfort zone and submitted three works of art to the local gallery for a show they were doing featuring local artists. I brought The Spawn to the opening night where they sipped sparkling cider in plastic cups while we walked around admiring the portraiture on the walls, and saying things like: ~~"what the hell is that supposed to be?"~~ and ~~"are you kidding me? I wouldn't pay that much for a car!"~~ and "That's evocative."

The experience rubbed off on The Banana, because I returned from work the other day and she greeted me in a little black dress and presented me with tickets to her own art opening--conveniently located on the second floor hallway of Chez Veasey.

THE BEACH : AVALON Annie Veasey $4,000,000

The hallway was filled with various works of art, all carefully hung with scotch tape and labeled with their clever titles and reasonable asking prices.

THE PEACE TREE By Annie Veasey $350,000,000

RANDOM SHAPE By Annie Veasey $45,000,099

I was glad to see that the art exhibition had been so educational for The Banana. She showed an understanding of even the most complicated gallery verbiage:

BLAH BLAH BLAH.

O I am so proud of my budding Freda Kohl. Or I will be. You know, after I scrape the scotch tape off of the newly painted white walls done in a flat white latex which shows every single fingerprint and hand print made by an artist who did not want to interrupt her creative flow by washing her hands between paintings.

Gosh, I sure hope Random Shape sells so we can afford the clean up.

The WiNNeR iS....

2012-01-12T21:36:00.001-05:00

VERY HARD TO PICK A WINNER--so many great submissions and I wish I had seventeen tea for ones to give away!!

The winner is.....MEGS
Because girls just wanna have puns. I heart you and your witty turns of phrasing Megsy. Email me at LVMud (at) aol (dot) com with your address.

But nobody loses! There were so many great entries that ALL OF YOU get a prize. Email me at the email address above with your address--put CONSOLATION PRIZE in the subject line, and I will send you a little sumpin sumpin.

Thanks for playing you lovely creative people you. I am off to make an appearance in Atlanta this weekend. If you are at the Gift Show please stop by and see me in the Enesco showroom where I will be from 4-7pm on Saturday night. Hope to see you there!

FuNNy PRoDuCTs...NoT By Me

2012-01-10T09:50:00.010-05:00

'Tis the season for Trade Shows Chickens, so soon I will reveal the ONIM January Launch--but before I do I'd like to take a moment and celebrate some other very fine products.

I love this axe keyholder! It sure would come in handy for all those times I lock myself in the house. Entire episodes of CSI could be written differently if every household had one of these.

Cat Refridgerator Magnet. Fridge got your tongue?

Sexyhusbandomine is getting this tie for Father's Day.

How about this fork with a built in pizza cutter for the snobby people that won't pick the slice up with their hands? Pretty cool idea. And if you were to give yourself a cut that required stitches you might not even notice until you were done with dinner and realized that wasn't tomato sauce.

This is a very clever way to thwart those people who try to use your mug at the office. What will they think up next? A way to protect my stapler? My tape dispenser? My daughter's virtue?

I'll have a ham on rye. TO GO. Seriously, I am a big believer in always packing a snack.

Now you can actually WIN one of these cool tea for ones! Do you have a creative/ridiculous/funny idea for a teapot? Just leave a 1-5 sentence description in the comments below describing it. A panel of judges (that would be me, my two cats and perhaps my 8 year old during a commercial break) will pick a winner on Thursday, January 12th. Winner will be notified by email, but winner's name will be published here. Entry may actually turn into a real product, in which case clever winner receives additional prize! One entry per person please. Runners Up may be awarded consolation prizes. Thinking caps on people. Extra points for correct use of grammar.

24/7 on HBO- STaRRiNG OVaL

2012-01-09T08:40:00.003-05:00

Sexyhusbandomine was watching HBO the other night and caught this appearance of our Hockey Oval Platter on the show about the Rangers & Flyers rivalry.

The oval platter has since gotten an agent, booked its own reality show, and is currently still at a party with Lindsey Lohan.

PS I am a Philly girl now, so go Flyers.

OuR HouSe is A FiNe FiNe FiNe HouSe

2012-01-06T09:15:00.000-05:00

What is the difference between an apartment and a house? I would have to say the biggest shock is going from a kitchen like this

To a kitchen like this

Which should make me feel like

But instead has me feeling like this

Thank Gawd we bought a barbeque and I can force The Spawn and Sexyhusbandomine to eat all meals outside from April-October. On paper plates. While I lay on my polished wood floors and stroke them lovingly and call them "My Precious."

Another difference between a house and an apartment? In New York we dealt with

The New Jersey Suburbian equivalent is this creature

Which, for those of you chickens who only have to contend with things like scorpions or black widows, is a bug called a STINKBUG.

The locals have made sure to tell us where the best grocery store is, how to get a pizza delivered, who to take The Spawn to for teeth cleanings, and then they lean in close, eyes darting furtively from side to side and in an ominous tone warn "AND DON'T EVER CRUSH A STINKBUG."

Sometimes this warning is accompanied by banjo music.

The thing is, you don't see these skittering across your laundry room floor attempting to grab your ankle like you do the bugs in New York City. No. You find these as little dead carcasses on windowsills or under chairs, in the corners of stairwell, or conveniently placed next to a trash can as if they were making a last ill fated attempt to reach the mound of magazines on the back of the toilet including the Victoria Secret catalog that Sexyhusbandomine has stated he wants to keep just so he can buy me presents and for No Other Reason.

And you know what the first thing I want to do when I see one of those guys laying on its back with their tiny little legs stuck up in the air?

But I fight that impulse the same way I fight the urge to laugh in church or make small talk in elevators or buy clothing from Forever 21. I tenderly pick up those little stinkers in a wad of soft tissue and carry them to their watery grave. But all the time, I just wanna....

Some compadres thought the biggest challenge in the move from Sodom to the Land of Big Kitchens would involve moving from a place where the hooch was readily available--liquor stores on every block--to a Quaker town which is "dry." Racie Lover told me I better have extra bathtubs put into the house for the amount of gin I was going to need to make. Turns out that one of the things I miss The Most about my old life is the ability to spot a creepy crawly, look around, and throw anything really heavy in the vicinity at it. Like a brick. Or a dictionary. Or Sexyhusbandomine's laptop. And then just leave it, sitting in the middle of the floor, for Sexyhusbandomine to come home and deal with. All the while trying to ignore the pathetic twitching of the visible antenna and blocking out the sounds of a small insect heart beating beneath my floorboards.

WHeRe DiD YoU Go?

2012-01-02T10:28:00.001-05:00

So where have I been all this time Chickens? I moved from the heart of New York City to a wonderful little town called (stalkers get your pencils ready) "15 MINUTES OUTSIDE OF PHILLY." (Come on now, I'm not stupid - I watched that Dr. Phil episode where the blogger revealed her address and people sent her flowers. And gifts. And Money. WHAT AM I SAYING??? EMAIL ME AND I'LL SEND YOU MY BANK ACCOUNT NUMBERS IMMEDIATELY. Yes, I'm talking to you, my faithful readers from Nigeria.)

Anyhoo- it's a beautiful town with a lot of history. It is a "walkable town" which would be great if I remembered how to do that. But apparently the first thing that goes when you move out to burbs is your ability to travel any distance on foot. There was a time when I would walk 20 city blocks and think nothing of it, now I send one of The Spawn to the mailbox. Which is a slot in the front door. Gawd, I'm exhausted just typing about it.

But the thing is: we've been here 6 months and I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE. I just recently learned how to work our dishwasher. (Apparently I was pushing the button that said cancel instead of the button that said start. It only took a few episodes of e coli to figure that tricky thing out.) So I am lucky there is an apartment over the garage because I am hoping Sexyhusbandofmine might get me one of these:

Although the whole "Go on Whoopie-Strike for two years to see if he'll get you a pool boy" thing didn't work out so well in the past. I have yet to even see a pool. But I have caught up on some sleep.

So I have a Plan B. It involves

I figure if I can just learn how to take those curves at 120 mph I should be ok for a trip to the grocery store. And I might even figure out which one is the gas pedal--the big one or the small one. Until then, I'll just have to get around town any way I can:

We'Re BAAAAAAAAACCCCKKKKKK

2012-01-01T09:59:00.005-05:00

Hello Chickens. My goodness that was a long hiatus!! Perhaps I should not have pricked my finger on that spinning wheel I discovered up in the castle tower.

Nevertheless, here I am- back in the blogosphere. And after so much time...I still pretty much have absolutely nothing of interest to say. But it's a New Year!!!

Writing again on this blog is one of my RESOLUTIONS. I also resolve this year to...

A gal's gotta start somewhere. So happy new year. (please note that I typed that without any capital letters or exclamation marks- I am well on my way to tempering my enthusiasm. kicking the meth might be harder.)

MOVING

2011-06-16T09:00:00.004-04:00

We are moving to New Jersey at the end of this month, so all blogging will be suspended for awhile. If you are looking for other reading material to procrastinate with on the internet, please check out my blog roll which hopefully is still somewhere on the sidebar.

See You Soon!

PiLLoW

2011-06-10T09:59:00.000-04:00

Do THiS aT STaRBuCKS

2011-06-09T09:58:00.000-04:00

DooR

2011-06-08T13:00:00.000-04:00

NaNCY SiNaTRa

2011-06-08T09:56:00.000-04:00

OpTiMiSM

2011-06-07T13:00:00.000-04:00

LeMoNS

2011-06-07T09:53:00.001-04:00

Something to think about Today

2011-05-27T09:28:00.000-04:00

Paul of Navarone on Etsy

2011-05-26T09:16:00.000-04:00

I LOVE this artist's work--which is a quirky mix of fantastic writing and clean graphics. Paul of Navarone's witty and irreverent framed prints are created in Glasgow, United Kingdom and range in price from $36- $75 for a framed print. Click on the pictures to make them big enough to read if you don't have your glasses handy.

Visit this fantastic store HERE.

Tina Fey's Prayer For her Daughter

2011-05-25T09:12:00.001-04:00

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches. May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty. When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer. Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age. Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit. May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers. Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait. O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed. And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it. And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes. Amen.” -Tina Fey

When a Guy Does Something Wrong...

2011-05-24T16:10:00.000-04:00

Better Late Than Nevah

2011-05-24T11:55:00.000-04:00

In honor of Princess Bea's homage to ovaries headgear that sold yesterday for more money than Fergie could have gotten pimping out the whole royal family twice over, here are some humorous looks at the Royal Wedding.

I Will Go Up To The Mountain...

2011-05-24T09:04:00.000-04:00

Blogger Problems

2011-05-17T10:37:00.001-04:00

Blogger has been having some major issues as of late--posting on this blog is suspended until all the problems have been fixed. Hope to be back soon!

YoU DoN't BriNg Me FloWeRs....

2011-05-12T09:53:00.000-04:00

Remember when saying "I'm sorry" was best accomplished with a box of chocolates and a small bouquet of daisies?

What will she write her thesis on?

2011-05-12T09:45:00.000-04:00

The Banana's second grade class was recently instructed to pick a research topic and write a report on that subject. They were told to choose a theme that was of great interest to them and to delve deep into the facts--learn as much about their topic as possible! Banana's friends decided to research subjects of interest to many seven year old girls--like horses or kittens or anything else that is soft and furry.

Here is what my daughter chose as her subject: (Click on the image to make it bigger)

She is obviously the product of ~~itchy~~ superior genes.

Apropos Branding?

2011-05-11T15:26:00.000-04:00

In the course of packing for our big move out of the city in June, I found many of our older items that I created for Our Name Is Mud. At one point, we decided to abbreviate that to initials so the branding that appeared on the bottom of smaller pieces looked like this:

Which I just noticed, from another angle looks like this:

Works For Me.

Curious George

2011-05-10T09:29:00.000-04:00

Do you remember this? Here is the plot summary:
The book picks up where the first book ends. George is living in the zoo, but escapes. He enters a restaurant and eats a pot of spaghetti. The cook makes him wash the dishes. He does a splendid job and the cook takes him to a friend who gives him a job as a window washer at an apartment building. George discovers a room being painted and gives it a jungle theme but the painters chase him and he breaks his leg falling from a fire escape. He recovers in the hospital, but tampers with a bottle of ether and is overcome by the fumes. The man with the yellow hat and a nurse waken him with a cold shower. George's story is made into a movie and the book ends with George watching the film in a theater with his friends.

Reading it now, I realize that book was just Wrong. It's no children's book - it's the screenplay for the PG version of The Hangover.

Modern Art

2011-05-09T14:00:00.000-04:00

I Really Am Old

2011-05-09T09:27:00.000-04:00

Workin Out

2011-05-06T13:00:00.000-04:00

Rawr

2011-05-06T09:00:00.000-04:00

And you thought George and Brad were Hot!

2011-05-05T16:00:00.000-04:00

True Fears

2011-05-05T11:30:00.000-04:00

Cats During Emergencies

2011-05-05T09:19:00.001-04:00

Rock, paper, scissors

2011-05-04T13:00:00.000-04:00

And don't even get me started on Eeeny Meany Miny Mo....

Remember when MTV was a channel with Music?

2011-05-04T09:00:00.000-04:00

I Just Wanna Be Friends, New York

2011-05-03T09:00:00.000-04:00

We are planning to move in June and frankly it can't come soon enough now that the terror alert is back up to sky high and it seems you can always hear the drone of a siren in the distance.

There are many things I will miss about New York--my friends, the culture, the hustle and bustle, the fact that I can pick up the phone and have scrambled eggs and a toasted bagel delivered to my doorstep in a matter of minutes...

But I will not miss this worry and tension.

Nor will I miss waterbugs. Waterbugs are what Satan keeps as a pet. They are ginormous roaches that are twitchy and very, very scary. They usually come out late at night. When you're alone. And they skitter right towards you as if they are going to grab your ankle.

Which reminds me of this TRUE STORY:

Every night, my friend Harold would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, and left.

The next night, after he finished his 3th beer, the doorbell rang.

He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Harold didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Harold and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Harold went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "

" What can I do? " he pleaded.

" Not much " he doctor replied. " There's just a nasty bug going around."

Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead

2011-05-02T09:24:00.002-04:00

This morning Complicated Boy was full of questions at breakfast. "Were the special forces actually ninjas?" "Can we now have a Holiday (and no school) because Bin Laden is dead?" and finally: "Did you ever notice how his name sounds like he could have been a llama?"

I am so glad that I have my family around me this morning. Many, many families are missing someone today and every day. God Bless us, every one.

Book Club Wars

2011-04-29T13:00:00.000-04:00

J'Accuse!

2011-04-29T09:00:00.000-04:00

What, me worry?

2011-04-28T13:00:00.000-04:00

In My House...

2011-04-28T10:00:00.000-04:00

Manners

2011-04-27T13:00:00.000-04:00

Wash N Wear

2011-04-27T11:09:00.000-04:00

Woman Talk

2011-04-26T13:00:00.000-04:00

Doesn't matter if you aced your Spanish final in college or now speak Arabic and Chinese. There is one language you should know to have a happy life...

What NOT to get Mom

2011-04-26T11:02:00.004-04:00

Got a crafty mom? I would suggest regular scissors, not these. However, for your brother who recently dropped out of art school these might be a big hit.

My Mother Was a Potter

2011-04-18T13:22:00.000-04:00

Ten years ago this month my Mother passed away. Complicated Boy was newly born and every year that goes by, I can't help but think how much she would have enjoyed knowing him and The Banana. I know that A's natural love of gardening and J's passion for art are her legacy.

My mother was a potter. Here are some picture of her work that my brother recently sent me.

The lyf so short,the crafte so long to lerne.
- Geoffrey Chaucer on pottery.

DRuG oF CHoiCe

2011-03-30T09:40:00.002-04:00

Society frowns upon giving your four year old a beer, or allowing your twelve year old to bring hash brownies in for snack, but we missed an epidemic which is far worse than crack and heroin, IMO.

I am talking, of course, about Girl Scout Cookies.

One day you're ordering 44 extra boxes so that your kid can get their badge because you were too lazy to take her around door to door, next minute you find yourself staring into the freezer at 3 am looking for a sleeve of frozen Thin Mints.

You hide your Samoas in your closet, and then give your children stale pretzels in their lunchboxes because you can't bare to share your stash.

Your husband finds you curled up one evening stroking a box of TagALongs and calling it "My Precious."

You hit bottom when you have Lemon Chalet Cremes for breakfast and actually enjoy them. Everybody has to get together in a room with a guy who will tell you "I see a lot of people here today who love you a bunch" while your weeping child says "Will you accept the help that is offered to you today?' But you can't answer. Because your mouth is full.

I can stop anytime. Really.

Prayers for Japan

2011-03-22T09:35:00.000-04:00

Full proceeds from the sale of this poster by FIELDTRIP on Etsy will go to disaster relief.

Wake of disaster,
Lost souls of the Japanese
Petals on water

Easter will Soon be here!

2011-03-21T22:09:00.005-04:00

Cutest Salad Servers ever-- $16 at girlzlyfe

Erin Go Bra-less

2011-03-17T09:32:00.000-04:00

I really hate living in New York City two days out of every year. The first is on New Years Eve, and the second is Saint Patrick's Day. You'd think I'd be a huge fan of these holidays and their accompanying drunken debauchery, but instead I like to pull the shades and wait for them to pass like a bad storm. A bad storm that sings Danny Boy at the top of their lungs until about 2 AM in the morning.

One Saint Patrick's Day long ago when Sexy Husband O Mine and I lived on the Upper East Side, we were returning from someplace in the evening in our little car and turned the corner onto 85th street just as a drunken figure stumbled out into the crosswalk and into our path. As SHOM hit the brakes, the swaying figure reached behind him and pulled out a revolver and aimed it at our windshield. It was an off duty policeman, and we were driving through a vortex of Irish bars on the Upper East Side, where many an Irish cop went to celebrate after marching in the parade.

We didn't die. I think he stumbled to the other side of the street and threw up in the corner mailbox.

Anyway, Happy Drink Green Beer Til You Get Stupid Day.

Complicated Boy is TEN

2011-03-15T09:00:00.000-04:00

My Darling Boy- you are TEN today. ( Hmmmm... maybe it's about time Mommy lost the baby weight.)

Ten Things about You, at Age Ten...

1. As you get older, I see more of your handsome father in you every day. You are slender and tall and coltish, and often mistaken for Justin Beiber. You are very particular about what you wear, and you spend a lot of time in front of the mirror. According to you, the one hair you have out of place absolutely "ruined" your class picture this year. You are obsessed with sneakers.

2. You are an amazing artist with an ironic sense of humor. For example, you just recently did a portrait of the rapper Lil Wayne as Bruce Lil Wayne. You are really, really, really talented and I would say that even if I were not your mother, but since I am, I added the extra really.

3. You have made your Father's greatest dreams come true by asking him to play catch with you and watching sports with him. One day he will teach you to play golf and his cup will overfloweth. And speaking of cups--when you got your first athletic cup for baseball last summer, you wanted to sleep in it that night. And wear it to school the next day. In fact, I had to take that cup and hide it from you because I thought you were becoming too attached to it. (I have no idea where I hid it but will find it before your next game.)

4. You can be really mean to your sister sometimes, and like to correct her behavior and boss her around--but the minute you hear someone has teased her you rush to her defense, and the second she gets hurt you never fail to put your arms around her and offer comfort.

5. You still believe in Santa.

6. You can do the moonwalk. You are an incredible dancer. When the school hired a special NYC professional dance company to come in and teach Salsa, you led the entire class and were their star pupil. In the last talent show you performed a solo combination of intricate moves that brought the house down. Then your report card came home and your school dance teacher gave you a D in dance because you had trouble paying attention in class. I hope you will still keep dancing.

7. You are great at math. Despite the fact that they have taught you to do it in the most complicated way possible, and when I try to show you things like stacking you often flounce from the table and have to be gently talked around to trying it a new way. You are in fourth grade now. I'm worried I won't be able to keep up with you that much longer. I'm pretty much done after long division.

8. This year you like a shy little girl who wears glasses and likes to read. You learned the hard lesson that when you tell a confidant that you have a Secret Crush on a girl - and not to tell anyone - that sometimes that friend won't be able to keep that secret. Really, the only person you can trust is me. But I can't promise I won't sell your darkest secrets out to your Grandparents after a few glasses of wine...or blog about it to a couple of hundred strangers.

9. You used to be afraid of sleeping away from us. Then you went camping with your class in the woods upstate for two days and had the time of your life. This year we will have 16 of your classmates over for a slumber party. I think I liked it better when you had a fear of clowns and we addressed it by hiring Silly Billy to make hats out of balloons one afternoon.

10. You are honest, kind, caring, and tender hearted. You still put your hand into mine when we cross the street, although lately your method of giving kisses is to tilt your head in towards me--so that you bump me with your forehead and no lips are involved. You tell us that you want to live with us forever. You get angry if I leave and don't hug you goodbye.You are still complicated, but we wouldn't have it any other way. You have filled the last ten years of our lives with so much joy my precious boy. You are my heart.

Happy Birthday

UVWXYZ

2011-03-11T10:59:00.000-05:00

Yes Chickens--it DOES take almost 365 days to blog 26 little letters. But here we have arrived at the end at last. O sure--we could draw this out-- we all know that U and V stand for some pretty fun things usually kept in the bedside table, but why prolong this torture? Let's just End It Now. Like Old Yeller. I am putting this alphabet down.

U is for UNDERWEAR. I hate the saying "Put your Big Girl panties on and deal with it." I have never NOT had my Big Girl Panties on, and I don't remember them being particularly helpful when faced with a life challenge. Now if I could find an XXL set of Wonder Woman Underoos--THAT might help me in my day to day struggles with evil geniuses, etc. But my Big Girl panties don't do much for me other than bunch up at inconvenient times.

V is for VIOLIN. Santa brought Banana a violin last Christmas. Santa should be fired. Water boarding is not torture. Torture is hearing a seven year old play Twinkle Twinkle thirty times in a row, one note at a time, draggggging the bowwww slowwwwwwwly across the strings...twinnnnnnnnnkkkkkkkkkklllllllllllleeeeeeee, twinnnnnnkkkkkkkllllllleeeee. Mama is asking for a refill for her Xanax prescription next Christmas.

W is Wednesday. It took me forever to learn how to spell that dern day when I was in Elementary school. It was like Wednesday and February were specifically invented to screw you up.

X is for Xanax. You know...so you can smile while Twinkle Twinkle starts again in the other room.

Y is for Yodels. I never really could decide if I liked them better than Ring Dings. But I do know they both used to come wrapped in shiny silver paper and you could make a fine looking ring if you licked all the chocolate out of them and folded it just right. In the 2nd grade, I traded a Ring Ding to get a look at Gregory Nelson's Yodel. He was a small African American boy and I remember never looking at a Tootsie Roll the same way after.

Z is for Zzzzzzzz. Although Lord knows why the heck it's not for Xanax. The world just doesn't make sense some days.

And now you know my ABCs. Next time- won't you blog with me?

T is For....

2011-03-10T10:00:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you just have to step away from the computer and reconnect with old friends. And by old friends, I mean the television.

I don't watch a lot of television. But I do have great appreciation for it as an electronic babysitter. I will be forever grateful to those folks at Nickelodian and Disney who have freed me from entertaining The Spawn so that I could ~~get drunk~~ work.

Sometimes if I am facing a really challenging personal crisis I like to think: "What would I do in this situation if I was on Reality TV?" It makes the subsequent hissy fit extra dramatic.

This summer we took several road trips that lead us to the land of rocking chairs, retail, and delicious food--otherwise known as Cracker Barrel. I love Cracker Barrel. Seriously. Love. Them. Because if you eat too much at lunch you can just pop right out into the storefront and buy a bigger pair of pants.

They also sell vintage television programs on DVD. And when they are trapped in the car, The Spawn are at the mercy of whatever disc I pop into the DVD player-which is how I forced them to sit through Season One of Gilligans Island. Which lead to questions like "Why does Ginger have so many gowns when the tour was only three hours?", and " If they're so rich, how come the Thurston Howells didn't have a private yacht?", and "If they could figure out how to make a radio from a coconut how come they couldn't figure out how to build a boat." Same questions we asked ourselves way back when. You know, when you were thinking about something other than the Professor and Mary Anne possibly hooking up.

So far, The Spawn has become well versed in the lore of
- I Dream of Jeannie
- Bewitched
- Adams Family
- Mork and Mindy
- Brady Bunch
- Partridge Family
- Andy Griffith
- Donny and Marie
- Sonny and Cher
- Happy Days
We tried Little House on the Prairie but but Complicated Boy could not handle the level of rustic angst so we shelved that one for now.

I like the older television shows with a lesson. It almost makes me feel like I have sent the kids to church when I hear them repeat a major ethical statement like; "DON'T PLAY BALL IN THE HOUSE." I am letting Mike Brady morally guide my children.

My kids are gonna grow up SMART. One of these days, they may even figure out that the monster that Scooby and the Gang encounter each and every episode is really a hoax. Right now they seem genuinely surprised each time the mask is pulled off and it turns out to be the museum owner or the carnival operator. But that might be because they have still to question the fact that Scooby can talk. Like, Zoinks Scoob. Wait til they find out that later he gets a nephew.

S is for Sara's SALE

2011-03-04T09:16:00.005-05:00

While I enjoy shopping for others, it is rare that I treat myself to anything special. I buy shoes once every three years, for example, winter coats every five, boots every decade. Sometimes I wait so long to buy something new that the old one comes back in style again. But this winter I totally spoiled myself with an essential piece of winter wardrobe: a really warm, wonderful hat. I purchased my hat from Etsy sellers Rocks and Salt. I met these two fabulous Brooklyn based hat makers- Sara and Phil- at the Union Square Christmas Market and would have purchased said hat even if Phil, who looks a bit like a thinner Harry Hamlin, hadn't told me I looked pretty in it. Actually, now that I think of it, he didn't. Hmmm. If he had I might have bought two. But I digress.

These handmade hats are the warmest, most comfortable, hats you will ever own. Made with fabulous fabrics they are lightweight but so toasty with absolutely zero itch factor.

Another great thing about these is that even if you are old like me, you can feel that you are younger and hipper! Yes--these hats do everything that wine does on a Saturday night but with zero hangover.

Here's the big news: Today- March 4- there is a 40% sale going on in honor of Sara's birthday. So let your fingers do the running right over to their shop to pick up an incredible chapeau or super cool skirt. Your head will thank you!

R

2011-02-28T13:00:00.000-05:00

Raise Your Glass.. By P!NK

Q

2011-02-25T13:00:00.000-05:00

Q is for....QUESTIONS

Why is it that when someone tells you that there’s billions of stars in the universe, you believe them. But if they tell you there’s wet paintsomewhere you have to touch it?

How can there be self-help “groups”?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

How did a fool and his money get together?

Why do we say "heads up" when we actually duck?

Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?

Say I freeze meat in January. The package has an expiration date of February. When I thaw it in June, why doesn't it remember immediately that it should have gone bad four months ago?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Image from Nrapture on Etsy

P is for...

2011-02-23T13:00:00.000-05:00

Pants I will never wear:

I would also like to perform this public service message:
TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS.

And don't even get me started on how shirts are not dresses.

Oooooooooooooooo it's O

2011-02-21T13:00:00.001-05:00

O is for OPTIMISM. I HOPE you will like this post. I pre-wrote it before skipping town and heading to Florida where I HOPE the weather is perfect and where I BELIEVE we will have a fantastic time. My sunglasses are half full people. Because if you change your mind you can change your life! (Although sometimes just a change of underwear is all you need to truly find happiness.)

Image from gabrielutasi.com

Image from savagechickens

image from motifake.com

image from whyismarko.com

Image from brainstuck.com

image from splendidandsound on Etsy

image from beanforest on etsy

So drink up Chickens. Because it really doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty. What matters is what time closing is and how much beer is on tap.

N is for.....

2011-02-17T12:30:00.000-05:00

NESTS. I just love them. Perhaps I was a bird in another life, still working out the karma from being forced from my comfy home. Here are some nests that I love:

Birds Nest Shoe Sculpture $225 from Mudgoddess

Empty Nest Photograph by Lucy Snowe Photography

Birds Nest headband by Nessie Designs

Bird Nest Locket Ring by Babyjewlz

Robins Nest Paperweight by TheSHabbychicCottage

Assemblage in Frame by The Vintage Dresser

Nest watercolor by JodyvanB

Birds Nest necklace by Grey Frog Designs

Mom's Nest by sjengraving

Ni is also for Nonnee. Nonnee is the mother bird to our family. Without her our nest would be a woven sphere of twigs and sticks, but with her it is a circle of love.

M is For...

2011-02-14T10:55:00.008-05:00

MANY. Things that I Love. That start with M.

Like...METALICIOUS. My friend Stephanie makes the most incredible jewelry. Visit her shop and spend another of my favorite M things: Money.

Mumford and Sons. Love their Music. This whole album is awesome.

Milk. Without it, cereal would be inedible.

Marionettes. Actually, no. They creep me out. And you couldn't make them do the same sorts of things you had Barbie and Ken do without getting all their strings tangled.

M is for Mimes. When a mime gets arrested, do the police tell him he has the right to remain silent?

M is for Macrame. 2011 is the year that macrame makes a big comeback as people's craft of choice. Because who would not want to learn to make awesomeness like this:

I like meat, milkshakes and marching bands. I like macaroni, mice and markers.

New M word for you to use today: MAHOOSIVE: really, really big.

Happy Monday Chickens. What's your favorite M word?

L is for .....

2011-02-11T08:11:00.002-05:00

LOVE! Valentines Day is just 3 days away, folks. Here are some of my picks for the 14th:

The Love Rat

EVERYONE likes flowers and jewelry, so you know the reaction you're gonna get. But what do you learn from it? Nothing at all. But give them something like a LOVE RAT, and you'll find out if they love you back in a split second. Just get down on one knee, say "Honey, I love you this much." And pull out a Love Rat. Watch her facial expressions. See if her mouth twitches. If she smiles and gives you a big hug, you'll know she loves you despite your awful taste in gifts. (If she vomits, that's usually a bad sign.) We know they're not your "normal" gift. But if she wanted a "normal" boyfriend, she'd be dating someone else. $6.50 at Stupid.com

Sexy Pillowcases

I don't know about you but I'd feel kind of weird having these on the bed when the six year old crawls in beside you because of a bad dream. $19.95 at Amazon.

His and Hers Tongue Scrapers

I'm not really sure I want to know more about tongue fur. $4.99 at perpetualkid.com

Best Smelling Cologne (Next to Old Spice)

Help your man smell like Pee Wee Herman in a darkened movie theater! $19.99 at perpetualkid.com

A sweet treat without the calories of chocolate

I'd like to add fruit to this. Or maybe some bacon. $5.99 at perpetualkid.com

Or, what every woman needs:

Their own personal stalker -- he comes with a restraining order! $8.50 at Our Name Is Mud

Happy VD Day everybody!

K is for Krëg

2011-01-28T20:58:00.008-05:00

K is for Krëg, and it is as plain as the face surrounding your nose.

Though not likely, it is possible that K is for Krëg only because Lorrie forgot that back in September she made him an authorized poster on her blog, hoping he'd write something tasteful for her as a guest blogger while she was on vacation. A mistake I'm sure she'll soon remedy.

Above: The embodiment of 'tasteful'.

In the meantime, she asked me to consent to an "Interview" to fill out her alphabet posts. Initially I said no, then I said yes, then I said no again, followed by a maybe and another yes. Then I remembered that computer monitors are don't work like telephones, so I quit talking to mine, and started typing instead.

... ... ...

LORRIE: Please tell folks a little bit about yourself. Actually, wait, no--tell folks a little bit about what you like about me. Less you, more me.
Krëg: I like the way you never dispute how unequivocally and amazingly fantastic Krëg is. You have never questioned the grace and grandeur that Krëg's presence bestows upon us all; how we all shine more brightly in Krëg's reflected light.

LORRIE: Why are you single?
Krëg: Who said I'm single?

LORRIE: What's great about me again?

Krëg: Whenever someone feebly attempts to besmirch Krëg's good name, you never hesitate to point out how their breath is reminiscent of the naughty bits of equine farm animals. You are classy that way.

LORRIE: Besides being vehemently opposed to placing TVs above fireplaces, what other things do you hate?

Krëg: * People that hang those dreamcatcher things from their rear-view mirror.
* The word 'proactive'. It doesn't make sense in the 'active - reactive' hierarchy; how can you act before you act? Also, that word is a red-flag (along with 'dynamic' and 'sustainable' and many others) to easily earmark people who have substituted vocabulary for actual knowledge and wisdom. That word can go screw itself. It can go screw itself before it screws itself.
* Leprechauns.
* Entropy, and all its contributions to the second law of thermodynamics.
* Villagers wielding pitchforks and torches.

LORRIE: And what do you love, besides me I mean?
Krëg: Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Also my wife and son. Quite probably I love them more than anything or anyone. In fact, I'm going to take a bold position here and say that yes, yes I love them above all else. That's not to sell short whiskers on kittens or any of that shit. They just aren't the priority that my wife and son are.

LORRIE: Have you ever been burned by bacon?

Krëg: Every time I give my heart to bacon, every time I share something of myself, every time I trust those thin slices of cooked pig, each strip of bacon eventually cools to me before ultimately disappearing forever. This leaves me emotionally scarred and romantically wounded. So yes, I've been burned by bacon more times than I care to count. Haven't we all?
Also, I've been scalded by hot bacon grease a few times before, once on my thigh. That also sucks.

LORRIE: Do you think Megan Fox is pretty?

Krëg: My mother taught me that beauty comes from the inside. So until I've seen the video footage of her latest colonoscopy, I can't really judge.

LORRIE: But not prettier than me, right?

Krëg: Stop it! Please put those away! I don't want to see your scrapbook of flexible endoscope images.

LORRIE: Favorite Movie:

Krëg: That's not really a question .... wait ... are we playing by Jeopardy Interview rules now? Cool! What is Big Trouble In Little China, Alex?

LORRIE: Favorite Bands:
Krëg: Again, that's not technically a question. Further, I think the double use of colons violates some central tenet of grammar.
Here are but three of the many, many bands and artists I enjoy....
Joe Purdy - One of the most prolific artists to ever dodge a major label. Produces and releases all his own music.
Rolling Stones - Multiple volumes have already been written about the Stones. I really don't have anything new to add.
Lil' Wayne (here mashed with Modest Mouse) What can I say about Weezy? So bad, he's good. Don't burn yourself.

LORRIE: Please compose a tribute to me set to music, load it up to You Tube and somehow embed it in the blog post.

Krëg: No, I don't have time to do that. Sorry. But here's this instead. I think that pig at the end says it all.

J is For.....

2011-01-25T09:53:00.005-05:00

J is for Jesse, AKA ComplicatedBoy. He is nine and wants to grow up to be a professional baseball player- scientist- artist- skate boarder- sneaker designer- dentist all at the same time. And the reason that is ridiculous is because THE KID DOES NOT LIKE TO BRUSH HIS TEETH. Ever. He runs his toothbrush under the faucet in case we check it to see if it is wet. So I tell him: "NO, you CANNOT grow up and be a probaseballplayingscientistartistskateboardersneakerdesignerdentist. But you CAN grow up to be a probaseballplayingscientistartistskateboardersneakerdesignerdentistWithNoTeeth." Because as a mother it's my job to make sure he sets realistic goals for life.

We discovered CBoy had ADD almost two years ago now. Which was great. Not just because the diagnosis helped him, but because it gave us a pass. Up until then, it was assumed that at the heart of the problem was permissive parenting -- which is silly really when you consider how much I have paid other people to raise my children. So in a way, part of me did a little Happy Dance when we discovered that the reason life at Chez Veasey was ripe with chaos had more to do with CBoy's unique brain construction and less to do with my fitness to raise a small human being. Or my constant drinking.

But part of me also worried. The part that likes to do her best work between the hours of 3 am and 5:30 am. The part of me that dreads teacher conferences, or state mandated testing, or afternoon homework. The part of me that wishes he would fall into books the way that I did as a child and lose afternoons turning their pages, or attack a writing assignment with gusto and a sharpened pencil.

And when I worry most is when I take a look around and realize how much CBoy is able to accomplish because I facilitate for him: I organize, I cajole, I negotiate, I clear rocks out of his path, I champion him-- I push him onwards and upwards with the sheer force of my love like a cyclone at his back. And then I realize I CAN NEVER DIE. Which is an awesome responsibility that will keep you up between 3 am and 5:30.

So I do worry what the future holds for my boy who loves to tell jokes and design sneakers and play catch with his father for hours but will not read a chapter or write a paragraph. I worry because I worked at Burger King in the 80s and can only guess that they've made that application harder then it was then. I worry and I worry...but then I see something like this picture that he drew the other day and it gives me HOPE.

Because my child is nine and can pun!! Not to mention draw a mean cup of coffee!

And when I look at a drawing he's made like this and see past it into the years ahead, I know there will be a place for him where he can do what he loves to do and do it well: if you can keep a sense of humor, everything will work out. Every little thing gonna be all right. And after all, he may grow up an design mugs like his mother.

I is for INTERIORS

2011-01-19T10:41:00.008-05:00

Happy Wednesday Chickens! Time to show you what is INSIDE the house we recently bought. These are the "before" pictures. The "After" pictures may have to wait until we reach R for Renovations, because K is for "Keep Forgetting the Kamera." Anyhoo-here is the inside of the house we bought....

BEFORE: Walking in from the front door.

We kept the fireplace, but everything else went to white.

The Old Kitchen:

The only thing we kept in this room were the stove, the fridge and a few remaining threads of our sanity as we took this room down to the studs. Wait til you see how different it looks now!

The Original Mudroom

We kept nothing here but the walls and a skylight- stripped the wall paper, laid down a new floor, put in a new light fixture.

Former Family Room

We have discovered that one of the biggest challenges most new home owners face is WHERE TO PUT THE TV. How many marriages have been wrecked I wonder when the husband refuses to capitulate to the wife and put it over the fireplace?

Their Dining Room

Everything is gone now except the light fixture. One wall is a soft green and will have birch trees on it. If it ever gets FINISHED. Note to Sexyhusbandomine: Less time arguing with your wife over where the TV goes, more time putting up vinyl wall art please.

Kid's Bathroom:

While a bidet might do much to improve Complicated Boy's personal hygiene, we chose to remove it and replace it with a washer and dryer. His bottom may be less than pristine, but darn it, he will have on clean underwear.

There are other rooms in this wonderful old house that we bought. Rooms where you can do things we have never been able to do in an apartment--like Store Large Christmas Decorations or Have Family Sleep Over and Not Want To Kill Them (Just kidding Dad. We Loved having You. Seriously. A week was not long enough.) There is this thing called a garage where I will be able to put all of Sexyhusbandomine's tools and not have to look at them! And a basement where the cat box can go. But the greatest thing of all is: MY OWN BATHROOM. (Well, really, it's supposed to be Sexyhusbandomine's and mine together but I figure he will use the one out in the garage. Where he will be sleeping if he doesn't stop arguing about where the tv goes.)

H is for HOUSE

2011-01-11T10:58:00.011-05:00

H is for HOUSE

Houses by Lennymud on Etsy.

So at the ripe old age of...well let's just say much later than expected... Sexyhusbandomine and I are the proud owners of our FIRST HOME. Instead of Mooovin on Up To The East Side, we are Mooovin on out to THE BURBS. To a lovely little town called (stalkers please ready your pencils now) Haddonfield, New Jersey. Which looks like THIS at Christmas:

Instead of THIS covered with a light dusting of grey colored snow:

I consider myself a native of this Island. I have been here since I was 1985 (obviously abandoned as an infant by my parents and forced to fend for my 10 year old self. Do the math people.) and dammit, I LOVE NEW YORK.

New York has been great to me. But It's time to tell New York that we must go our separate ways.

My children want THIS

Sexyhusbandomine wants THIS

And I want THIS

Apron by Craftster

We will move in June. Right now there are renovations to do (it's hard to take a Victorian House and make it look like a loft in Chelsea but dammit if anyone can do it WE can) and I need to learn to drive (my only experience is bumper cars) and packing etc. etc. etc. Not to mention...DECORATING!!

Sampler from Steotch on Etsy.

G is For...

2011-01-06T11:45:00.002-05:00

GONE! Which I have been for lo these many weeks! Let's mark my return to blogging with a list of reasons why I have not been blogging.

1. December: Nonnee's 75th Birthday Bash!

2. Sick kid

3. New website-still needs work, we know!

4. O my gosh it's December: House Guests!

5. Renovating a new house--wait for H people.

6. Jeebuz Cripes it is flipping December: special school projects!

7. Work, work, work, work, work, work

8. OMG it's STILL December: Do we really have to go to ToysRUs again?

9. Sick cat.

10. OMG when will December be over?

But we (which i use in the Royal sense here just to be annoying) are officially back and will be posting the rest of the alphabet in the next two weeks while trying to regain my readership and lose the 10 pounds i gained from medicating my December stress with peppermint bark.

XO

BLoGGiNG THe ALPHaBeT: THe LeTTeR F...

2010-11-08T13:00:00.000-05:00

F is for..... FELTED. Felting is: A method for creating fabric by using heat, moisture, and pressure, rather than weaving or knitting. I dare you to look at this collection of Felted Furry Friends and not utter a single "AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW." I don't think it can be done. Because there is cute, and then there is:

Bullterrier sculpture by Moroszka

And there is adorable, and then there is:

Mother and Baby White Polar Bear by Softforest

And there is sweet and then there is:

Dog fuzzies by FeltedFuzzies

And

Tiny Otter Necklace by Motleymutton

And

Little Lamb by Tracyemueller

I mean, how could you not "AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW" at this:

Tiny Possum necklace by Motleymutton

And if you did...well....I know how you FELT. I also stand in Awwww.

THe LeTTeR E

2010-11-03T10:05:00.004-04:00

E is for:

ELECTRICITY
I don't understand it. I don't want to understand it. I did once try to detach a plug that was tightly jammed into an extension cord with my teeth. True Story. Not a pretty one (hence the nickname Sizzle Lips.)

EMERGENCY
I have blogged before about my love for Johnny Gage, but I don't know if I also mentioned that if I could create the ideal gynecologist, It would have been this guy:

ENVIRONMENT
I started talking to The Spawn about global warming the other day, but upon seeing the growing anxiety on Complicated Boy's face, told them that by the time it became any sort of end-of-the-world problem we would have invented flying cars and would patch the ozone with duct tape.

EXISTENTIALISM
An existential map has "You Are Here" written all over it.

E ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
I can't speak in depth about this whole Tea party thing, but ask me a question about Lindsay Lohan. Come on, ask!

ELEPHANTS
Really got the short end of the stick in DAKTARI episodes.

And also in JUNGLE BOOK--Part I and Part II. Perhaps there is a Hollywood conspiracy?

ENCHILADAS
Did you know they just recently discovered and ACTUAL GENE that makes cilantro taste like soap to some people? Thank goodness scientists worked on this. I feel so much safer at my local Mexican restaurant.

EXCELLENT
Remember when we would get big red E's on a paper or test and it meant something good? Now I think most kids will think it is the equivalent of an F plus.

EGGS
There is a person in this office who has a thing for egg sandwiches. Almost every time he comes to work, he has an egg sandwich. I can only tell you that the space reeks like people who have eaten too many enchiladas.

EFFORT
jeebuz but I am Exhausted by thinking up these E words. I would not like to buy a vowel, please. What did I miss? Write your own E word below in comments and EXPLAIN.

BLoGGiNG THe ALPHaBeT: THe LeTTeR D....

2010-11-01T09:32:00.003-04:00

D is for DRESSING.

How bad is it that it's November 1st and 50 degrees outside and my child is still wearing crocs?

Last night, when we were all dressed for Halloween, my son looked at my legs and said: "Mom, what are those things? LEG COVERS?" He is nine years old and had never seen pantyhose before.

Here we all are on the streets of NYC last night ready to Trick or Treat.

If I were at H I would be writing about our Halloween Hangover.....

C iS FoR.....

2010-10-27T11:17:00.000-04:00

C is for COSTUME. Here's a post from Halloween in year's past....

Sexyhusbandomine and I met in March a GAZILLION years ago. That year, for Halloween, here was his costume:

And let me just say girls, that I had my pie with sausage that night.

The next year, we were still a relatively new couple--so we did the "cute couple" costume

Followed by MORE cute couple costumes

Until we got married, at which point cute couples costumes ceased to revolve around sexual innuendo and became indicators of our domestic bliss:

Then we got pregnant and our respective costumes were

AND

And when I got pregnant again, we went as this

ELEVEN YEARS of marriage later...
And my pizza delivery boy with the six pack abs is going as this:

O the times, they are a changin.......

BLoGGiNG THe ALPHaBeT: THe LeTTeR B is for...

2010-10-25T08:59:00.008-04:00

Working Mother's Guilt is a Beyotch. Particularly if you are like me, and LOVE your job: because then it can start to feel selfish to work. Over the years, because I enjoy what I do so much, I started to equate "work" time with "me" time and as a result, all those things that a woman is supposed to do for general maintenance fell by the wayside. I had myself thoroughly convinced, for example, that I didn't need to see the inside of a hair salon for a year at a time because my few strands of gray were working for me as natural highlights (they glittered in the bathroom lights anyway.) There was Work/Me Time and there was Home/Kids/Husband time and that was enough to fill 26 hours a day. And so I put off shoe shopping for years, never had my pores properly cleaned, and the only excercize I did regularly was stretching the truth or jumping to conclusions.

A series of excuses, a long list of things to do that lay stagnant on my desk, a packed schedule: that is how I let 2.5 years go by without a mammogram.

Boobalicious Scarf by Couturecrotchetbykt

I would not call myself a stupid woman, but ignoring the fact that every October the world turns pink in addition to black and orange is a dumb thing. So this year I finally got off my butt and scheduled the appointment and went to get my girls squished flatter than a pancake in the x-ray machine.

Celebrate the Boobies Necklace by Meganbauerie

The biggest change in the 2.5 years since I had last been was that instead of announcing the "all clear" at the end of the photo shoot, the diagnostic center has you fill in your own self addressed stamped envelope, so that they can mail you your results. I was tempted to give myself a nickname like Tatas McBoobish, but I went with my own name and a smiley face in the corner.

And when a week later, that same envelope arrived at my work, the smiley face fairly winked at me as I tore it open, humming "Thanks for the Mammories" and fully expecting to see an ALL CLEAR.

Boob Jar Set by mongo54

So I was shocked when I read that I required further testing because something had been detected. Forget about jumping from point A to point B--when you get a letter like that you jump right to Point C. And I thought about a lot of things including:

- My young children.
- My husband.
- My short life.
- My Victoria's Secret Uber Bra.
- How very much it would suck to find out you had a small lump that had grown to the size of an orange because you didn't take an hour to go get checked.
- How very much it would suck to find out you had cancer from a self addressed stamped envelope with a smiley face on it.

Sterling Silver Cufflinks By Clevergirl

Anyway Chickens, many women have had this happen and the majority of them find out that nothing is wrong, as I did. A quick sonogram and a final "all clear" and all is well. But important lessons are learned.

Boob Slippers by Kellyznaughtycrotchet

Taking care of our health is something that we do not just for ourselves, but for the people who love and need us. So if you have been like me, and not had your gums cleaned lately, or your pelvic plumbing tested, or had a man gaze into your baby blues looking for signs of glaucoma: MAKE AN APPOINTMENT TODAY.

Oh, and click HERE to give a free mammogram to someone today!

BloGGiNG THe aLPHaBeT

2010-10-21T09:03:00.003-04:00

Happy Thursday Chickens! I have decided that in order to get out of my current blogging rut, that I shall blog the letters of the alphabet. So hang on to your hats for the next 26 posts!! (I know many of you will just be holding your breath, waiting to see what I will do for the Letter X. Hi Nonnee.)

Today's post is brought to you by the letter A.

A is for....ARTIST. Did you know I have a twin brother who is a famous artist? His name is Jeffrey Decoster and his illustrations can be found in places like The New York Times and Rolling Stone. He has won many prestigious Illustration awards, and when he does he comes and stays at our apartment where he sleeps all day and parties all night.

What was it like growing up with a twin? Well, for certain it was not so fun when we had to have a combined birthday party, and a neighborhood kid brought a G.I. Joe doll that we were supposed to "share." (Anothony Marciano, I'm talking to you here. Even if we are friends on facebook, this memory still smarts.)

People wonder if my brother and I are alike. He lives in California, I live in New York. He is single and I am married. He is skinny, I am...well, let's just say we aren't two peas in a pod and leave it at that.

Anyway, A is for Artist, so meet my twin brother Jeffrey. I really could not come up with another word for the letter A......

Please leave a suggestion below for the letter B.

CoMPuTeR MuSiNGS

2010-10-19T10:11:00.005-04:00

Random Thoughts while being chained to the keyboard:

* The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase 'Regards' again.

* There is a great need for sarcasm font.

* Was learning cursive really necessary?

* I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

* Bad decisions make good blog stories.

* I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me f I want to save any changes to my ten page document that I swear I did not make any changes to.

* Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

* It really ticks me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

* I have downloaded my CD collection onto my Itunes account. Many of my CDs were scratched. I may be the only person I know who has an Ipod with songs that skip.

* I don't really understand Facebook. Like: if you want to tell me something, why not just email me personally? Why do you need to write it ON THE WALL? Then again: if you are someone I am cyber stalking and your profile is public, I do enjoy looking through your pictures to see if you've gotten fat.

* There should be a support group for people who use too many exclaimation points in their emails!!!!!!!!

* I think calling a program that is hard for me to figure out "Excell" was just another way for those Geeks in software to undermine my confidence.

EXCuSe Of THe WeeK

2010-10-12T10:32:00.003-04:00

Happy Tuesday Chickens. I have been thinking that maybe I will just make this whole blog be about all the reasons that I cannot blog, why blogging is a pain in the butt, and why I have nothing to blog about BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE SPEND TOO MUCH TIME ON THE INTERNET. Seriously. Don't you have housework you could be doing?

I kid. Sorta.

But the reason why I have not been writing lately is that I am organizing a fantastic event in New York City scheduled to happen this weekend...CRAFTS IN CHELSEA. Over 130 local artisans and craftspeople will gather on 21 st street between 8-9 avenues on Saturday, October 16 to sell their handmade pottery, glass, jewelry, housewares, clothing, children's items, fine art, photography and other delights. Booth fees benefit arts programming in PS 11. The event is co sponsored by Etsy, the largest online retailer of handmade goods.

And let me tell you chickens, those crafters seem all mellow in their birkenstock sandles and patchuli cologne, but you should see what happens to them when they are not pleased with their booth assignment. Seriously: who knew you could threaten someone with a crotchet hook?

In conjunction with this event, a very awesome GIVEAWAY is being offered HERE. Look at some of the goodies you can win just by leaving a comment! And I know how much ~~you like to hear yourself type~~ you like to support local events, so head on over to the NewNew blog and enter today!

The lucky winner of the giveway will get:

Clockwise from left to right 1. Copper Bangles from Nemesis Jewelry, 2. Reversible Flannel and Polar Fleece Cloche from Ellis Design, 3. Silver Earrings from Irene C. Studio, 4. Crystal Flower Earrings from Haru Creations, 5. Pillowcase Tunic from BShorr Handmade Designs, 6. Pink Cupcake Amigurumi Bear from Amigurumi Kingdom, 7. The Janice Headband from MollyMade, 8. Silver and Suede Tag Bracelet from Charms of Faith, 9. Amigurumi Keychain with Trinket Box from AmiTown Creatures, 10. Magnet and Bookmark Set from LuCrafts, 11. Set of Pinup Coasters from Cards in Stitches, 12. I-Phone Case from D.S. Lookin, 13. Copper Lace Earrings from SdVDesigns.

Hurry on over there and enter!!!
For those of you who are local, who I do not have a restraining order against, I hope you will stop by and see me at the event on Saturday!

SHaBBy aPPLe

2010-10-05T22:33:00.006-04:00

Well Chickens, to date I have lost TWENTY POUNDS. Twenty whole pounds! Why, that's the same weight as a car tire, or a really big turkey, or a small kareoke machine!

Needless to say, I have been looking a little...ummmm "urban" as of late...what with the pants falling down around the hips and all. So I set off to buy some smaller clothing and discovered a great online shop called Shabby Apple.

One of the first things that attracted me was this:

If they had only included the words FAT BUTTS I would have sent them my first born. You know-the one who helped make the butt fat. Anyhoo, answer three questions (one that asks where the chocolate cake is most likely to go) and find out your body type. It was actually no surprise to find out I was

Fine, fine. I am a cucumber stuck in a pear's body. Here are some dresses Shabby Apple suggested for my figure type:

I love that one-and this one too:

But I ended up getting this:

Which I absolutely love! Soft and comfortable! A dress that looks as good out at the wine bar with friends as it does cleaning up the cat box or doing another menial chore around the house. Basic. Dependable. Comfortable. But the reason I want to tell you chickens about Shabby Apple is because they do something amazing.

When you purchase an item from Shabby Apple, you help to change the lives of women around the world. Shabby Apple shares a percentage of its profits with Unitus, an organization working to bring life-changing micro loans to the world's working poor.

How. Awesome. Is. That!?! My dress arrived with a beautiful tag that described the woman who my purchase had helped, her family, and what her business was (goat milk and mangos). For me, knowing that my purchase did something good made me feel even GOODER!! Then I put my dress on, swirled around and went off to ~~clean the cat box~~ save the world... Feeling like a cucumber.

aLL aBouT Me

2010-09-24T15:22:00.010-04:00

My Birthday Meme
25 Things About Me

1. I usually have the best of intentions.

2. I find it hard to talk about my children without getting teary. What is within my heart bubbles up and gathers in the corners of my eyes. I don't know what to say about the fact that my nose runs too.

3. Sometimes after a day of making things I am too excited to sleep, and I lay with my head on the pillow thinking about all the things I am going to make the next day.

4. I wish I had more patience. With Everything.

5. I am blessed. I am lucky. But I have also worked hard for what I have. Some people think things have come to me a lot easier than they actually have.

6. I prefer to use mens' deodorant.

7. My husband is my heart, my soul, my greatest love.

8. I cannot cook vegetables. Last time I tried to make broccoli there was audible gagging at the dinner table. Apparently it was mushy.

9. When someone hurts me deeply, I have a bad habit of apologizing to them. Then I never want to see them again. Ever.

10. I feel twenty years younger than I am.

11. I wish I had more opportunities to go dancing or to sing. I wish I was better at both. I wish I could sing like Stevie Nicks.

12. I have learned some of my greatest lessons in life through my extended family.

13. I fight actual despair sometimes. I battle deep anxiety. I can be overwhelmed with rage and anger. I feel I am usually able to triumph over all three about 3 weeks out of every month.

14. I love SURVIVOR. Every season I swear I won't watch it again and then I get sucked right back in.

15. I used to write poetry. Now I only write poems in my head.

16. Sometimes I wish my children were smarter so that I didn't have to work so hard on their homework.

17. I have a hard time thinking in a place that is messy. I wish I had more time to just clean things.

18. Sometimes I do so much for others that I do not have time to get my hair cut.

19. I hate matching up socks.

20. I have a hard time letting go of things. My son is the exact same way. I worry about this, and have a hard time letting go of it.

21. Sometimes blogging is a huge pain in the ass and an absolute chore, but I feel like the people I have met in cyberspace are soul mates of a kind, and I genuinely care about them. (this means you. you know who you are.)

22. I hate the fact that I am judgemental. Damn me.

23. It kills me to pay a lot of money for shoes. I wear sandals 6 mos. of every year.

24. I think some country songs are brilliantly written. Brilliantly.

25. I hope that I can always try to find the humor in any situation, and that when I cannot at that moment, that I can find it on hindsight.

SMaLL ReGReTS

2010-09-22T11:09:00.005-04:00

In no particular order: some minor regrets. Because really: what good is having a blog if you don't use it to whine and complain every now and then? I know what you're thinking: That's Why We Have Husbands. But sometimes a girl just wants to moan about something and not have someone present a workable solution. So here's the short list of THINGS I REGRET TODAY:

1. Allowing Banana to hear the song "You put De Lime in De Coconut."

2. Banana choosing "You Put De Lime in De Coconut as an anthem of sorts.

3. Hearing "You Put De Lime in De Coconut" 27 times in a row.

4. That I am not tall enough to carry off a poncho or a shawl. I put a poncho on, I look like a tee pee with a head sticking out.

5. The 2.5 hours we spent watching COUPLES RETREAT because we assumed anything with Vince Vaughn would be at the least mildly entertaining.

6. Doing a Google image search with two kids standing over my shoulder for "Winnie The Pooh." Seriously: DO NOT DO THIS.

7. Buying the Princess Lea hair extensions on Etsy because they looked so good on the model in the picture. I am not Bjork. I don't know why I ever thought two braided muffins of hair would be appropriate to wear to a PTA meeting.

8. Not flossing more.

9. Not making my children floss more.

10. That I can't get You Put De Lime in De Coconut out of my head.

Happy Wednesday Chickens!

BaNaNa iS SeVeN...LuCKY Me

2010-09-20T10:11:00.007-04:00

Dear Banana,

I should have a fabulous blog ready to post that you can discover floating around in cyberspace one day when you have a little girl of your own, but unfortunately I do not. Your birthday party--a Luau theme, which included 16 other little girls and 3 boys, just Kicked. My. Butt. Seriously: I have felt better after a week long bender.

It began with getting ready for the party. When you discovered that every floral dress that you owned all of a sudden did not look tropical enough, and then it progressed to ~~the deepest recess of Hades~~ the bathroom mirror where I attempted to do your hair. I tried 4 different styles, trying to keep hold of your pony tail holder while you bounced up an down and whined that IT DIDN'T LOOK THE WAY YOU WANTED IT TO LOOK until I finally put the hairbrush down on the counter and you flounced out of the room in tears. After taking a few moments myself to ~~try to stop my head from exploding~~ calm down, I went to talk to you where you sat sobbing on your bed and you said: I CAN'T HELP HOW I AM ACTING THIS IS JUST HOW MY BRAIN WORKS.

And then you told me that you didn't want to get older and how you were worried that if you got older that nobody would ever be able to pick you up in their arms again. And so I sat you on my lap and tried to think of all the good things that came with getting older...and I drew a blank. Instead, I told you about how when you were younger you were the sunniest little girl and how you smiled at everything and loved everyone and how you were rarely unhappy. I told you how if everyone in the room was given a shiny diamond and you were given just a rock, that you would have smiled and been grateful and said something like: "I LOVE HOW BUMPY AND GREY THIS IS". I told you how your disposition was a gift to our family, a warm safe spot in the storm that sometimes surrounded your complicated brother, and how much we loved and valued your positive attitude.

And then I made you promise to never become a teenager.
And then you asked for a pony.

Daddy and I should have made a new slideshow for your birthday, but between making the cupcakes, creating tissue paper flowers and figuring out a limo route we were not able to--maybe later this week. Here you are again from last year.

We love you Banana- Happy Birthday. You will always be my baby girl.

Love Mommy

This Is What Happens When Lorrie Goes Away...

2010-09-09T16:45:00.007-04:00

I’m not a blogger, or even a writer. I’m just a sucker for Lorrie. I’ll do anything that she asks. Within reason. In this case, all it took was the offer of her first-born child. Honestly, how could I say no to guest blogging for her if I get CBoy?

But that does beg the question: does CBoy read his mom’s blog? Are we yet aware of the possible long-term consequences of the damage doing so would incur? Does CPS know about this? Oh well, we can cover that on another day.

Anywho, a bit about me just so you know what you’re dealing with: My name is Sheila, I am 40-something, I am married to a fabulous guy who happens to be English, and we are the not-always proud owner of a hooligan dog name Murphy. Oh, and I live in Texas.

I was having a panic attack after I agreed to do this for Lorrie, because as I mentioned earlier – I DON”T WRITE. What would I write about? Who cares about what I have to say? I barely care about what I have to say.

Should I write about the horrible heat wave we went through in August, when while sitting on our back patio having a cigarette (yes, yes…I know, I KNOW…) a squirrel dropped dead out of one of our trees? Literally died of a heat stroke and fell into my backyard. It was Day 4 of a 17-day stretch of 100+ degree days. Honestly, I’m surprised it was only the one.

Murphy thought it was Manna from Heaven, as his main purpose in life is to chase them.

No, I can’t write about that - it would be awful for ZDub, as she is a lover of all things squirrel. Plus, I felt really bad for the squirrel. I love them too. And talking about weather is boring.

Maybe instead I should I write about the current home improvement project we are undertaking. New hardwood floors in two rooms, painting and the possible purchase of grown-up dining room furniture. I want this really cool table & chairs I saw in a particular catalog because it seats 10. And it’s reasonably priced.

But the table doesn’t go with the new floors. At all. I don’t think. It might go with the new paint, and the rug, but the floors? I don’t know. I have no eye for this kind of thing.

But home improvement is also boring. If you wanted to read about that, you’d go to the DIY sites, right?

So more panic.

And then, the two topics - Weather and Home Improvement - collided in such a way that it would have been wrong to avoid discussing:

Last night after work, I got onto the ladder to begin painting the crown molding in the dining room. Dinner is on the stove, the TV is on, and the house is a general tip. Oh, and the remnants of Tropical Storm Hermine have been winding their way through the state. We had biblical rain all day, about 7-8 inches. So of course, we’re tuned in to The Weatherman.

And then, the sirens start. The TORNADO sirens. But I don't worry since we’re watching the weather and the tornado is in the downtown area, and we are a good 12-15 miles from there. Plus it’s Dallas – why should we worry?

So I continue to paint. The Weatherman is talking about the tornado, showing pictures of the tornado. The traffic helicopter is up in the air, showing the track of the tornado. So how bad could it be? The tornado will fall apart, we’ll get some wind, and I can finish my painting.

And then The Weatherman says: the tornado has crossed I-635 & is near the Galleria. Well, that is where I buy my makeup. And it’s about 3 miles from my house. So I panic. Again.

We put Murphy on his leash and head to the bathroom. Per the Tornado Safety Manual, you hide in an internal room with no outside walls, no windows, no skylights. Of course, we can’t fit in THAT room – the water heater is there. So we go to the next best thing – a bathroom with a giant mirror. Hey, nothing is perfect.

We hunker down (because that is also what you do) with the dog & the essentials: my purse, our car keys, two iPhones, hubby's wallet, and the laptop. And we sit on the bathroom floor and watch The Weatherman on WiFi.

And that begs the next question: how on earth did we make it through crises like this in the olden days? With no internet or anything? How did we know when it was OK to leave the bathroom?

Thank Heavens for wireless routers and Steve Jobs.

After ten minutes, The Weatherman gives us the all-clear. We headed straight outside and the skies were a gorgeous blue. It was sunny.

And I start painting again. The crown molding looks awesome.

(many thanks to Racie Lover for the artwork)

In Which We Have A Night Out & Go Bowling

2010-09-07T10:07:00.001-04:00

Hi, my name is Jen (aka Scrappin Jenny). Lorrie was ~~brave~~ kind enough to ask me to do a guest host here on her blog. I was more than happy to fill in for her while she's off having some adventure that I'm sure involves wine, turkey legs and possibly pottery. I'm sure we'll find out when she comes back...

I don't know how many of you have kids here (if you don't have any, please play along), but those of you who do have ~~rugrats~~ kids know how rare a night out for you and your spouse/partner/significant other is. When you get one you almost feel like you've won the lottery. Except you're not getting millions of dollars.

You know what I mean.

This past Saturday night my in-laws took our daughter out for the evening. This left my husband and me with a few free hours to do whatever we wanted (minds out of the gutter people).

We hemmed and hawed about what to do...dinner out? A movie? As we were pondering the possibilities my husband said "Want to go bowling?"

Now, let me say up front, neither of us are "athletic". The last time I remember going bowling was before I got pregnant with my daughter (in other words...long time ago). But something in the back of my mind said "Bowling could be a lot of fun, if not deliciously white trash."

So off we went.

We went to a new bowling alley not too far from us called Kings.

Okay..cool sign. Lot of promise here...

This was written on the window...

I think we're about to find out.

Before bowling, we decided to grab some dinner and drinks to build our stamina.

Naturally, the first thing I look at on the menu is martinis.

I got a pink lemonade concoction with vodka. This is one of those dangerous drinks that tastes just like lemonade so you suck it down quickly then when you go to stand up you find yourself sitting on the floor thinking "How did I get down here?"

That good.

We did have some food as well...

Burgers and fries. Always an excellent choice.

Once we finished our meal, we headed down to the lanes.

God, it sounds like we do this all the time, doesn't it?

I loved the interior of this place. It was very dark and red and I felt like I was on the set of Swingers the entire time.

This was the lighted sign above the register. Seriously...forget about the Real Housewives of Where Ever, these are the ones I want to hang with.

Once we got our shoes, we headed over to the lane we were given.

It was at this point in time that I just started using whatever ball was on the ball return because it'd been so long since I bowled that I forgot you had to pick a ball out before you headed to your lane. Let's just say that I needed a 7 to 8 pound ball, but the holes on them were made for the Olsen Twins so I had to use a 10 pounds ball because it was the only one I could get my normal sized fingers in.

Let's just say it was not good.

Here is an action shot of me. It looks like I know what I'm doing, right? Form is good, ball looks like it's going to head down the middle of the lane. Well, it didn't. My final score was somewhere around 57. Not PBA material, that's for sure.

My husband was on a bowling league once, so you'd think he'd know what he was doing. Not so. I think he scored one point higher than me in the first game.

In the end we bowled two games. I considered the first game a warm up because I scored not one but two strikes at the beginning of the second game. Alas, the heavier-than-I-could-handle ball got to me and by the 5th frame I thought my arm was going to fall off and die. We decided to quit while we were ahead (and in one piece).

All in all, we had a fun time. We had dinner, talked, high-fived each other while bowling and laughed like idiots.

Having beers while bowling did help...

GoiNG MeDieVaL

2010-09-02T10:00:00.000-04:00

Last weekend we went to The New York Renaissance Fair. We went for all the things we love about a Renaissance Fair: the costumes, the crafts, the games and the turkey legs. Which we told The Spawn was actually mutton. Because it is so funny to watch The Banana sink her teeth into a leg that is twice the size of her head and say "This Mutton Tastes Great."

We did many fun things that we meant to photograph but didn't. Which is a shame because The Banana's summer homework was to read seven books on Medieval Times and write a report on it, but in June I got the idea that maybe we could skip all that and just hit The Renaissance Fair-take some photos and write a report based on those... Because it is never too early to teach your young children how to pull meaningless homework assignments out of their butts at the very last minute.

It was Pirate Invasion day at The Renaissance Fair, so there were more pirates than princesses...but we did get this shot with the King and Queen.

Everybody is all happy and smiley, and nobody's face paint is smudged with tears cried when mommy wouldn't spring for the $25.00 dragon puppet that someone would probably play with once and then never again, and no one had thigh chaffe from sweaty legs rubbing together under this...my costume....

Because no one had bothered to tell me that the official dress for women at The Renaissance Fair was a top that showed as much corseted boob as possible. (But this dress? $29 at Holy Clothing. A bargain considering the use I know I will get out of it. It makes me feel like a younger, prettier Mrs. Roper.)

But then, the day wore on as days do, and the heat soared and we all started to feel like this

So as we got back in the car, I asked The Spawn what they had learned from this educational Day Trip.

"Mutton is Good." Said the Banana.
"People had jiggely boobs back then" said my son.

UuNaTTeNDeD CHiLDReN

2010-08-24T11:05:00.013-04:00

Real things The Spawn said this week:

ME: What are you doing getting a juice box out of the fridge before dinner? You know we don't have juice before dinner.
BANANA: It's not juice mom. It's a cocktail.

ME: Why won't you eat your Falafel?
CBOY: Because you said it was made from chicken pee, and I don't eat chicken pee.

Speaking of childen, on another google image troll for work I found a series of these signs:

Now...where did I put those children.....

THe SeCReT To HaPPiNeSS SWaLLoWed

2010-08-19T15:39:00.002-04:00

So chickens, many of you will remember my attempts at losing weight with Jenny Craig which were thwarted when Miffy, the Jenny Craig consultant, refused to work two glasses of wine into my meal plan. So ultimately I joined Kirstie Alley at the Dunkin Donuts counter, and any pounds I had managed to lose on that plan came home and brought a few friends with them.

I am about to embark on yet another attempt to fit into skinny jeans and tuck my t shirts in and I think this time I have found a weight loss plan that is going to work for me.

Because it includes magic pills.

And not just pills- the other day the doctor handed me a syringe and told me to put the needle in my thigh and shoot myself full of B12. And our conversation went a little bit like this:
ME: "I don't think I can do this."
DR.: You can do this.
ME: Ummm, no...I don't think I can do this.
DR.: Yes, you can do this.
ME: Why don't you do it first and then if it's not so bad I'll do the next one.
DR.: No. You can do this.
ME: Seriously..I cannot stick a needle in my leg.
DR.: Yes you can.
And this is why doctors make a bajillion dollars because after about 15 minutes of that back and forth I actually stuck that needle in my own thigh. YAY ME. Who knew that shooting up could feel like such an accomplishment.

And then I got three envelopes of pills and they are called: THE YELLOW PILL, THE PURPLE PILL and THE WHITE PILL. And let me tell you chickens that I have not felt this good since the 80s and I could just throw my hair up in a scrunchie and go dancing. One of the listed side effects of THE YELLOW PILL is euphoria. FDA approved, it actually says Possible Side Effects: Euphoria. And I have it! I have that side effect! And it is so much better than the dry mouth I got from my last batch of antibiotics. Now chickens, the other side effect they list is DRUG ABUSE and ADDICTION, which is why they only allow you to take THE YELLOW PILL for 3-4 weeks tops but in the meantime, I am going to train for a marathon, write my autobiography and alphabetize my kitchen cabinets. This afternoon.

STaSH

2010-08-17T14:08:00.003-04:00

I spent last weekend ~~surfing the internet and eating bon bons~~ cleaning Chez Veasey from top to bottom because over the course of the summer, our abode has come to look a bit like an out-take from HOARDERS. It's all that packing and unpacking and packing and unpacking and packing and before you know it, THIS:

Turns into THIS:

Only mine is ten times worse. And involved a cat box. SexyHusbandoMine tries to be a help. Sometimes he takes my folded laundry and places it on top of my dresser and then tells me sweetly that he would have put it away except HE DIDN'T KNOW WHERE IT WENT. And everytime I ~~cry and throw pans at his head~~ bemoan the amount of work cleaning up after he and The Spawn involves, he suggest we get a HOUSECLEANER. At which point I always say no, because I know he is thinking:

And I'm thinking: no way is anybody getting into my house with the bathroom looking like that. Everyone knows that you have to clean up BEFORE you can get a cleaning lady. Sheesh. So I spent a romantic weekend with this guy:

And while dancing around the house to the music my children don't like when I play, I came across an alarming discovery in Complicated Boy's room. Faithful readers of this blog will remember that it was only last year when I stumbled upon my Maidenform bra tags carefully tucked away in his sock drawer. This time, I cleaned out a canvas bucket full of baseball cards, action figures, a thousand silly bands, and found this....

And I was all like WHAT THE HECK IS THIS IN MY CHILD'S ROOM AND WHY DOES IT SMELL FUNNY and I stood tapping my foot at the doorway until Sexyhusbandomine arrived home and I thrust it into his face and demanded he tell me WHAT IT WAS.

At which point Sexyhusbandomine very helpfully said that he didn't know what it was, but that if it was pot it was a real bummer because it had so many sticks in it.

Which is about as helpful as stacking the clothes on top of a dresser and saying you don't know where they go.

Anyhoo, turns out it is catnip. And part of a mad scientist experiment. Phew. Apparently catnip still gives a good buzz...even if there are a lot of sticks in it.

HiGHWaY To HeLL

2010-08-10T09:59:00.003-04:00

TRAVEL TIPS FROM LORRIE based on last week's ~~journey to Hades~~ trip.

1. Do not assume that just because your six year old has not thrown up for the past four months that it is safe to remove all plastic bags, baby wipes, and changes of clothing from the car. This is basically giving the middle finger to the Gods of Car Sickness. Also: Dramamine has an expiration date. Who Knew.

2. If you have two children, make absolutely sure you do not have only ONE pack of chocolate covered pretzels in the snack bag or there will be conflict that makes the whole Israel-Palestine thing look like a "discussion."

3. Do not purchase Mel Brook's DRACULA: DEAD AND LOVING IT starring Leslie Nielsen and assume you have now furnished some form of entertainment for the five hour trip.

4. When the six year old throws up unexpectedly do not turn around, unbuckle your seat belt and attempt to catch it with your hands. Doing so will cause the vomit to run down your wrists and up under your arms, saturating your bra with partially digested chocolate covered pretzels.

5. If your wife attempts to catch your six year old's throw up in her outstretched hands (see number 4) do not then yell at her if she begins to gag and tell her you will kill her if she throws up too. Just shut off the bell that keeps ringing from her unbuckled seat belt, quiet the sibling that is screaming how gross it is, AND O MY GAWD JUST FIND THE NEAREST EXIT, OK?

6. Never travel a route where there are stretches of highway where you can't find an exit or place to stop for 20-25 minutes. AND O MY GAWD JUST FIND A FLIPPING EXIT ALREADY.

7. If you finally find a place to stop, it would be better to throw the clothing into the woods where it will ultimately decompose and become compost than to place it into a bag you find in the trunk and forget about it for a week.

8. It is ok to never roll the windows up in your car ever again. (see number 7)

Happy Travels!

On VaCaTioN

2010-08-03T16:52:00.002-04:00

Hello Chickens,
I will be out o town the rest of this week and not able to blog but I will be back on Monday and I will Have Stories. Even if I have to make them up. Or steal someone else's. In the meantime, I leave you with another NEW product launch coming to a fine retailer near you soon. Our new website is still slated to go live in September: have you marked your calendar? In the comments below, let me know what YOU love.

ONe SeNTeNCe BooK ReVieWS

2010-07-29T09:39:00.003-04:00

Hola Chickens. Welcome to July's installment of One Sentence Book Reviews.

First Book: The Help by Katheryn Stockett.

This story of racial conflict in Mississippi in the 60's is far more dramatic than the struggles for bathroom privileges at Chez Veasey in 2010, although those can get pretty hairy when I bring fresh plums into the house let me tell you. This book? 4 Thumbs up and a Thank You to Oprah.

The Passage by Justin Cronin

Yes. Another Vampire Book. But in this one it's the result of a government experiment gone awry, and the setting is a post apocalyptic world where MANY PEOPLE DIE and that's your warning people. don't get too attached to your favorite characters, I'm just saying. You are welcome.

The Strain by Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan

I actually quit this book 3/4 of the way through because it started reading like a possible movie script for David Caruso and My Gawd people it's just not believable that EVERYONE who hears a slither/rattle/rumble from a dark basement, crawlspace or garage goes to check it out. Some of us would run like hell. The smart ones.

I also quit this book, Say You Are One of Them by Uwem Akpan

Because I like my pure evil to be something that can be destroyed with a cross and a stake, not something that hurts children and is so painful to read that you fall asleep sobbing. I think books should have a SAD warning.

Then I read My name Is Mary Sutter by Robin Oliveria

Can a determined young woman who wants to become a surgeon find love on the battlefields of The Civil War amidst the dysentery and piles of amputated limbs? When she strokes the cheek of the handsome older doctor with her gifted hand you may want to cry out I HOPE YOU WASHED THAT THING, but then you get distracted by the fact that Lincoln appears as a character in this book. Two (clean) thumbs up.

And right now I am reading what the rest of the world is reading:

But unlike the first one, I am reading this in soft cover instead of the Kindle so that I can flip to the end and make sure everyone survives.

What's on your nightstand? (keep it clean, Kreg.)

NoBoDY'S FooD

2010-07-27T09:32:00.003-04:00

I sent my daughter off to camp this morning with a packed lunch that consisted of a plastic bag full of cheerios and a half a bag of rice cakes. Because The Banana has decided she DOES NOT LIKE ANYTHING. The list of her dislikes is too lengthy to publish here but includes staples like tuna and turkey as well as trusted favorites like PB & J, Fluff, or anything with cheese. Yesterday I attempted to give her a cucumber sandwich but made the mistake of using those exotic ingredients called BUTTER AND SALT.

Tomorrow I am planning on sending her with just a slice of white bread and a water bottle. I'll include a nice note though.

JaR JaR BLiNKS

2010-07-23T13:00:00.000-04:00

What can you turn an ordinary glass jar into?

Pfft- who needs frames when you can just wash out a pickle jar?

Perfect to display pictures of your hipster boyfriend.

You can make your own snowglobe!

Or Terrariums!

You could actually do this on one quick and easy step by just not putting the mayo away for a week.

You could wrap them up in a warm sweater.

Use them to set aside much needed preserves. Winter will be here before you know it.

C'eST Ne PaS FoLK aRT

2010-07-21T13:15:00.000-04:00

So while in the process of looking for ~~ideas to copy~~ inspiration on the internet, I searched GOOGLE using the words PRIMITIVE FOLK ART. Let me tell you chickens, some people need some educashun.

THIS IS PRIMITIVE FOLK ART.

Painting by Tascha

THIS IS NOT PRIMITIVE FOLK ART.

THIS IS PRIMITIVE FOLK ART

Painting by Danita

THIS IS NOT PRIMITIVE FOLK ART

THIS IS PRIMITIVE FOLK ART

Painting by Suzanne Urban

THIS IS NOT PRIMITIVE FOLK ART

Live it, Learn it, Love it.

P.S. Not a good idea to do a Google image search for steaming hot sausage either. Just Sayin.

You KNoW It'S BaD

2010-07-19T11:52:00.000-04:00

When you google your own name and this comes up:

Sponsored links
Lorrie Veasey: Cheap
Everyone Wants to Pay a Low Price.
Best Value for Lorrie Veasey!

Thank you Goggle. My parents are very proud.

MoRe STuFF

2010-07-15T13:59:00.016-04:00

Jeepers, where you guys been? It's like you don't even care to write anymore. I hope this lackluster attitude of yours is short lived people. In the meantime, the Atlanta gift show opened yesterday and here are some more new products for Our name Is Mud that are coming to a fine retailer near you soon. Maybe even nearer than you think because the brand new MUD website is coming along and may be up as soon as the end of August.

Here's the line inspired by BLUE, a faithful reader of this blog. (So pfft to the two followers who dropped me this week. You lost your chance to be a muse. )

Sweet,right? Stay tuned for more!

HaPPY 4th oF JuLY

2010-07-03T08:53:00.001-04:00

HoT TiMeS SuMMeR iN THe CiTY

2010-06-30T12:24:00.003-04:00

School FINALLY ended for The Spawn on Monday, so now it is officially ~~time to send them away~~ Summer.

This year, we let Complicated Boy choose which camp he wished to attend. He chose Baseball Camp, because he is currently obsessed with the sport. While it is quite probable that his intense passion will wain with time, right now SexyHusbandOMine is thrilled that CBoy's combo of ADHD plus mild obsessive/compulsive tendencies have led him to be fixated on something worthwhile...The Phillies.

CBoy's favorite thing about Baseball Camp is.... THE CUP. He has been wearing it around the house for days now and I often catch him Talking To The Man in the Mirror while Michael Jacksoning his crotch area. Had I known how much he would become enamored of this piece of sports equipment, that Renaissance Portrait we tried to take last month would have been so much easier... I could have just got him a codpiece and called it a day.

The Banana chose Drama Camp. She is currently playing the role of the six and a half year old who acts like a thirteen year old girl with issues: the last two mornings have been a blur of tears, arguments, door slamming (that was me), I CAN SO HAVE TUNA FISH EVERY DAY, I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR, I DON'T LIKE MY HAIR BRUSHED, NO I WON'T ,YOU CAN'T MAKE ME (that was me again.)

Evenings are spent like this: MOM WATCH ME SING ALL THE SONGS FROM A CHORUS LINE. MOM, YOU'RE NOT WATCHING NOW I HAVE TO START ALL OVER. MOM PUT THE BOTTLE DOWN AND LISTEN TO ME SING RAZZEL DAZZEL 'EM AGAIN.

I envy those people who ship their children off to sleepaway camp and just send care packages. You know those Friday the 13th horror movies? I'm thinking the reason the mom went crazy is because Jason was around June-August. Just sayin.
How are you spending your summer?

TRuE

2010-06-27T20:55:00.002-04:00

THe BiG DaY!!

2010-06-21T17:29:00.003-04:00

The big plan for Father's Day weekend was to whisk Sexyhusbandomine away to someplace ~~with a lot of shopping~~ romantic. We have not had a vacation without the children in nine years. Which is 63 years in cat years. Which is what it feels like.

But I made the fatal error of telling ComplicatedBoy that we would be gone for one night. At which point he Gauged his Eyes Out. O wait--that's Oedipus. I often get my own life and the play so mixed up.

I fell asleep Friday night gently turning over in my mind the idea of possibly ~~lying to the children and just not coming home~~ working something out. In my dreams, it was me, Sexyhusbandomine, and Johnny Depp, who was sweating so much that he had to take his shirt off--and as he did, he turned those big brown eyes to me and said

"Mommy I think I'm going to throw up"

Because I can sleep through practically ANYTHING but if The Banana stands beside my bed for two minutes, no matter how deep in REM I am, the full force of her stare will wake me up everytime. And nothing is worse than being woken up by THE STARE OF A CHILD WHO IS ABOUT TO VOMIT.

And so the next day was spent taking care of The Banana while Sexyhusbandomine and Cboy went off on an adventure. At one point I asked her if she needed anything and she replied "I NEED A BELL. A BELL TO RING SO THAT YOU WILL BRING ME THINGS." I realized then that I had taught her everything she needed in life.

I told The Banana that we did not have a bell, but she cleverly remembered that SANTA had brought a SET of bells this Christmas and so it is no wonder that when I finally got to whisk Sexyhusbandomine away for Father's Day brunch that I had A MIGRAINE THE SIZE OF THE STATE OF TEXAS. And for the record, I really wasn't going to actually kill the waitress if she didn't bring the bread basket in the next three minutes. Probably Not.

If this were not a Family Blog (Hi Nonnee) I might write more about the three hours that I did manage to whisk Sexyhusband away for...hours that involved several bloody marys and perhaps a Priceline negotiation. But I can say no more except for the fact that Sexyhusbandomine is one of the best Dad's in the world, and I love him tons.

Now...how many days until Mother's Day again?

THuRSDaY THouGHT

2010-06-17T12:30:00.003-04:00

Click on the picture below, I could not resize the image. I'm working on a fortune teller line of products for next January and found this great sign. The Future Looks Bright.

BiG CHaNGeS AHeaD

2010-06-15T10:00:00.012-04:00

Hola Chickens!

I am pleased to officially announce that in mid-SEPTEMBER 2010 we will be rolling out a BRAND SPANKIN NEW WEBSITE for fans of Our Name Is Mud! Kip & I will have creative control of the site and will be able to bring you all of our brand new products as they are released! Here's a preview of a new line I am launching this June called JUST YOUR TYPE. Here are just a few products in this new line-which is a fun, whimsical mix of vintage imagery with sentiment.

I am as excited as excited can be to be able to share the new stuff I have been making with my close personal friends on the internet. So please stay tuned! More to come!! Tell me in comments what your favorite item is above and win a surPRIZE! Just comment to enter.

EmPTy WiNe BoTTLeS

2010-06-01T11:46:00.002-04:00

Happy Tuesday Chickens! If you are like me, this past weekend was spent ~~getting drunk~~ enjoying a libation or two- and chances are you may have a few empty bottles rolling around in the old recycle can. Well now, you can do amazing things with those empties!! Take a gander:

Wine bottle wind chimes $25.00 by C2 Design. Nothing I like better than the tinkle tinkle of wind through some windchimes..well except for the sound of another bottle being opened.

Wine Bottle Neck Necklace $15.00 also from C2 Design. This is pretty. I wonder if it is available scented.

Hummingbird Feeder (for some VERY HAPPY BIRDS) $29.95 at Sterling Wine. You provide the empty bottle. I personally could create a veritable hummingbird sanctuary. If I had a backyard. I wonder if this would work for pigeons?

Wine bottle lantern $45.95 also from Sterling Wine. A beautiful light to hold high in the air as you stumble through the dark alleys on your way home.

If you want to stay home and get your drink on, Pottery Barn has these great wine bottle chandeliers. I think the workers in China were very happy to gather the materials needed for this one.

There are many other great uses for your empties. Look: My Plants are having a Party!

And rolling pins will soon be used only to punish unfaithful husbands with--because who needs 'em when you have an empty bottle of Pinot Grigio nearby?

The possibilities are endless! So reduce, reuse, recycle people. And remember: a bottle of wine is a terrible thing to waste!