SeeMS To Be THe HaRDeST WoRD....

Because I am passive aggressive by nature a lover of formality, I sometimes resolve the occasional sibling battle at Chez Veasey by requesting that a Written Peace Treaty be drawn up by the warring factions.

After a particularly bad altercation between The Banana and Complicated Boy, I had them write notes of apology to each other.

Annie starts off by naming the parties involved. Here she is:


And here is her brother:


Here is her heartfelt apology:


I mean, REALLY REALLY REALLY Heartfelt apology:


Don't ever doubt The Banana's Sincerity:


And what does CBoy reply with? In typical male fashion....


Because nothing says "I'm sorry" like a partial band aid taped to a sheet of paper.
But I am glad that SOME PROOF exists that the two of them are related. I was there for the whole birth thing, and even so, sometimes I wonder....

WeDNeSDaY WiSDoM

A NEW FEATURE ON OUR NAME IS BLOG!


Every WEDNESDAY I will suggest three things you should do to CHANGE YOUR LIFE.
While bills are better, Change Is Good...start TODAY Grasshoppers, with these three things:

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

1. TODAY IS ADDICTION-FREE DAY.
Your body can be your temple or, in my case, it's a saloon with a sawdust floor. Cut out one addictive substance for the day to see how much purer you feel. Don't go for anything easy like caffeine, chocolate, or alcohol, because we all know there's a difference between REALLY REALLY ENJOYING something and addiction. Also: note to crack cocaine users; you may not feel purer immediately, you might need to stick with that one for a couple of months.


2. INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW BUT NEVER SPEAK TO, TODAY.
Talk to a neighbor about the weather, other neighbors, or the fence you want to build.
Talk to a colleague about the coffee machine, the boss or other colleagues.
Talk to a shopkeeper about local news, the freshness of produce, other shopkeepers.
Talk to a local hooker about prices, possible discounts, other hookers.
Talk to your local government leaders about your neighbors and their hooker friends.



3. FLATTER SOMEONE TODAY and see if indeed it does get you everywhere....
Here are some compliment suggestions:
- What a fine hat!
- This is the best memo I've ever read!
-That toupee really suits you, officer!
- They never told me you were beautiful as well as intelligent!
- Oh, it's not the size of the boat it's the motion of the ocean!



Now go forth Chickens and do as instructed. Life is Good except when it's crappy. Make me Proud.

HoW BoYS aND GiRLS aRe DiFFeReNT

CBOY; My mom asked me to take all my winter clothes out of my dresser and put them on my bed and then put my summer clothes into my drawer. Which I took to mean See how many Funny Things I can do with a Swim Cap. I can out it on my head like this, I can put it on my butt, I can snap it like a towel at my little sister and make her cry, I can chase the cat around the house with it, I can...hey...is that my comic book?



BANANA: My mom asked me to take all my winter clothes out of my dresser and put them on my bed and then put my summer clothes into my drawer. Which I took to mean Try On Every Outfit I have Every Owned. Is this my color? Technically, if it has long sleeves does it really qualify for just winter? What if it's a chilly night and I need to cover my arms? Do these pants make my butt look big? MOM! JESSE JUST HIT ME WITH A BATHING CAP! WAAAAAA.

CBOY: (TWO MINUTES LATER) Alright Mom, stop yelling at me. I'm done. I took ALL THE CLOTHES OUT OF MY DRESSER. Okay? Geeze. MOM I CAN'T FIND MY SWIM CAP.




BANANA: (TWO HOURS LATER) Honestly, Mother...stop rushing me.

Happy Friday, Chickens.

MeeT THe FLoCKeRS PaRT DeuX

Good morning, Chickens! It's time to meet another FABULOUS reader & commentor; and have them answer questions about My Favorite Topics. Today, I am pleased to introduce you to one of The Best Bloggers I know- Deb from Suburb Sanity.


Deb currently has 381 382 383 followers and her posts receive an average of 100 101 102 comments. Here now are my 6 and a half Questions for this Goddess of the Blogosphere.

1. I'm not asking this because I want to steal your followers and monetize my blog and become the next Dooce but What is your secret to your blogging success?

I assume by blogging success that you are referring to the fact that I have made $26 in only 8 short months. My husband was thrilled. He calculated that not only can he retire 15 minutes earlier than he had planned but that I have been blogging for .00000000045 cents an hour. Incredible. Look out Dooce, here I come.

Of course, as in all other avenues of life, one cannot measure success by fame and fortune alone. (And have we ever questioned why no one rich or famous ever says that?) I am fortunate to have such wonderful and loyal followers who drop by on a regular basis and leave fabulous comments for me. If those comments could be measured in money...I still wouldn't claim them on my income tax.

2. What's your favorite thing about Me?

My favorite thing about Lorrie is that she has excellent taste in people to interview. Jay Leno could learn so much from her. Plus, she makes some killer pottery, some of which I use on a daily basis. And, since I know her pottery has been spotted on television shows being used by famous people, it is almost like Lorrie is helping me feel famous. Which I like. A lot.

3. If you could ask one person living or dead 3 questions who would the person be and what would be the questions?

When an opportunity like this comes along, you want to make the most of it. I have spent days thinking of the perfect person and I think finally I have decided. Michelle Obama. Think of the knowledge and inside information this woman has! So, here are my questions:
A. How do you get your arms to look that good? Is there a way I can get mine to look that good without much effort?
B. Can I have your hand-me-down clothes? It would be like that whole trickle down theory that was so popular a few administrations ago.
C. Why didn't Oprah let you be on the cover by yourself and will she be audited annually in retaliation? (Please say yes because she is starting to get on my nerves.)



4. Is hair starting to sprout where it does not belong?

On you? I'm not sure. In the last photo I saw of you, you were cleverly concealed behind a piece of pottery. Or did you mean on that sexy husband of yours? I'd have to say it has to be on him. Men just seem to have a real knack for the hair growing in unfortunate places.
So, what I'd like to know about this hair thing is why I am not making any money off of the hair business. Think about it. Women want to curl it if it is straight, straighten it if it is curly, color it, fluff it, dry it, spray it, and extend it. Then, men and women both want rid of it everywhere except the head. And, had I been on the ball, I could have invented some of those medieval torture devices they market as hair removal. Hello? Waxing? You know that wouldn't fly under the Geneva Convention. Another lost opportunity.

5. What is your favorite Neil Diamond song and why? How does it remind you of Me?

How did you know I was a huge Neil Diamond fan? But then again, what well-educated person isn't? I have to admit, I was initially getting him and Tom Jones confused when you asked me this question. But, a quick trip to Wikipedia has educated me in all things Neil and I am a better woman for it. For instance, in 1977, he sang "Song Sung Blues" with Helen Reddy and Henry "The Fonz" Winkler. Now that is some talent.
So many of his great hits remind me of Lorrie including "You Don't Bring me Flowers" because Lorrie hasn't ever given me flowers. Sad, but true. I'm also reminded of her whenever I hear "I've Been this Way Before" because I know she's often stumbling around drunk and not knowing where she is. But obviously, "Girl, You'll be a Woman Soon" is the one that immediately brings Lorrie to mind. As for my favorite, I'll take "And the Grass Won't Pay No Mind" because what could it possibly mean - plus I love the grammar.
My reply: Deb, you are a Store Bought Woman but you make me sing like a guitar hummin.


6. What happened to you during your last alien abduction?
I'm frankly a little upset that Lorrie asked about my last alien abduction. I had confided in her that it was a traumatic experience and I really didn't expect her to announce it all over the internet. I'm legally prohibited from going into all the details here but I think I can say that it involved Dick Cheney, a roll of cherry Lifesavers, and several expired cans of Spam. I'm sorry but that is as much detail as my attorney will let me give.

1/2 Who is your
favorite Cougar victim? That would be Orlando Bloom. Thanks for asking.

Please visit Deb's Blog and make her followers come here leave a comment. Happy Wednesday Chickens!!

HaPPy BeLaTeD MoTHeR'S DaY

Happy Monday Chickens and a Happy Belated Mother's Day to you all!

Every Mother's Day, I like to RENEW MY VOWS. Kinda like Heidi Klum and Seal do, only without the wedding dress and the groom.

This year, I am going to try to be more like Carolyn Ingalls.


She was always kind, always patient, and she took that mean old Mrs. Olsen with a grain of salt. She was a master of multi-tasking: capable of milking the cow, gathering the eggs, and sewing a fetching calico hat all while putting home cooked cornbread on the table and seeing to Pa's needs. Plus, later on I remember she opened her own hotel in town--Carolyn's I think it was called, and she made a bazillion dollars and didn't even care when Charles went off and had that affair with that Marla Maples woman because she was totally resilient and could work a french twist. Then, of course, she died and left all her money to her dog. But anyway, this year I am totally going to try to be more like her as a mother, because my role model for last year just didn't work out.




Which famous mom are YOU going to strive to be more like this year?

MuG WReCKs

Not all the things I make are good. In fact, many suck eggs. I've decided to share some recent failures with you here.

This was part of a series I was doing using famous quotes.



I guess I should have been more Thoreau in checking my spelling. Just so you know; I do belif in majic.

Here is a mug I was making for next year's Christmas collection.



I don't think Mrs. Claus would be amused.

Finally-here's a mug I just did for Sur La Table.



If you can't figure out why this one is a reject, step back from the computer.

Happy Wednesday Chickens!

oNe SeNTeNCe BooK ReVieWS

Happy Monday in May Chickens! It's time for ONE SENTENCE BOOK REVIEWS, which is officially now a REGULAR FEATURE. So pour yourself a cuppa something hot & yummy, put one of your ten cats on your lap, and let's begin....


THE HOST By Stephanie Meyer
PUBLISHER'S WEEKLY REVIEW:
In this tantalizing SF thriller, planet-hopping parasites are inserting their silvery centipede selves into human brains, curing cancer, eliminating war and turning Earth into paradise. But some people want Earth back, warts and all, especially Melanie Stryder, who refuses to surrender, even after being captured in Chicago and becoming a host for a soul called Wanderer. Melanie uses her surviving brain cells to persuade Wanderer to help search for her loved ones in the Arizona desert. When the pair find Melanie's brother and her boyfriend in a hidden rebel cell led by her uncle, Wanderer is at first hated. Once the rebels accept Wanderer, whom they dub Wanda, Wanda's whole perspective on humanity changes. While the straightforward narrative is short on detail about the invasion and its stunning aftermath, it shines with romantic intrigue, especially when a love triangle (or quadrangle?!) develops for Wanda/Melanie.
ONE SENTENCE REVIEW:
I used to be a sucker for the Cullens, but now I am 100% TEAM ALIEN, and I didn't even need a beach chair to enjoy this one.




WORLD MADE BY HAND By Stephen Kuntsler
PUBLISHER'S WEEKLY REVIEW:
According to the author's premise, when the oil wells start to run dry, the world economy will collapse and society as we know it will cease. Robert Earle has lost his job (he was a software executive) and family in the chaos following the breakdown. Elected mayor of Union Grove, N.Y., in the wake of a town crisis, Earle must rebuild civil society out of squabbling factions, including a cultish community of newcomers, an established group of Congregationalists and a plantation kept by the wealthy Stephen Bullock. Re-establishing basic infrastructure is a big enough challenge, but major tension comes from a crew of neighboring rednecks led by warlord Wayne Karp. Kunstler is most engaged when discussing the fate of the status quo and in divulging the particulars of daily life. Kunstler's world is convincing if didactic: Union Grove exists solely to illustrate Kunstler's doomsday vision. Readers willing to go for the ride will see a frightening and bleak future.

ONE SENTENCE REVIEW:
Mad Max meets Green Acres, meets Little House on the Prairie, meets Deliverance, meets a Zane Grey novel; me likey.



DIETING FOR DUMMIES By Jane Kirby, R.D>
PUBLISHER'S WEEKLY REVIEW:
The official website tells us that if you purchase the Dieting for Dummies book it will help you learn to understand what a healthy weight is and how to discover what your ideal weight is. The Dieting for Dummies book will help you formulate a plan for healthy eating. If you feel unable to lose weight without having the support of professionals the book will guide you to finding and working with the right health professional. The website tells us that the book Dieting for Dummies will also give you information on how to shop, cook and eat out while, at the same time, eating healthily and sticking to your planned diet.
ONE SENTENCE REVIEW:
I couldn't concentrate on this one--I kept feeling like tearing the pages out and eating them so in the end I had to put it aside and go make a Dagwood sandwich with Miracle Whip.





OUT STEALING HORSES By Per Petterson
PUBLISHER'S WEEKLY REVIEW:
Award-winning Norwegian novelist Petterson renders the meditations of Trond Sander, a man nearing 70, dwelling in self-imposed exile at the eastern edge of Norway in a primitive cabin. Trond's peaceful existence is interrupted by a meeting with his only neighbor, who seems familiar. The meeting pries loose a memory from a summer day in 1948 when Trond's friend Jon suggests they go out and steal horses. That distant summer is transformative for Trond as he reflects on the fragility of life while discovering secrets about his father's wartime activities.
ONE SENTENCE REVIEW:
I hated this book so much I stopped reading it half way--too much melancholy, and too slow moving, and too close to those black and white swedish movies starring Liv Ullman that I also couldn't stand.

Include your own one sentence reviews of whatever you read last month, here.....

JeWeLRY GiVeaWaY WiNNeR aNNouNCeD

I have been so busy trying to avoid catching the swine flu watching Bravo television making sexyhusbandomine pay for going to a Bruce Springsteen concert this week WORKING that I almost forgot to post The Winner for the Sima G great giveaway.

So I printed out all of your lovely comments, added in extra slips for those of you who blogged and tweeted, pulled out the extra comments that didn't count, shoved the whole batch into an old winter hat, and took them down to the street where two random tourists from Finland who were staying at the Holiday Inn down the block graciously picked a winner.

AND THE WINNER IS.........

Well, first of all, ALL OF YOU ARE WINNERS. And not just because I want to preserve your delicate self esteem, but because Sima sent me an email and said that she will give ALL OF YOU GUYS a discount if you order from her site before mothers day and contact her to let her know you learned of her via this blog. (that's much better than entering the promo code Mud Losers isn't it?)

That said, Sven and Heidi did not pick all of your names out of my winter hat. The winner of the Mother's necklace is.....

LO from oddities.blogspot.com (Thunderous applause heard here.)

Lo- go to Sima's shop and hit the contact button to give her all your deets.

Happy Friday Chickens.