DeaTH oF A KiNG

Dear Spawn,

ABC as easy as 1,2,3 as simple as Do Re Mi, there are many lessons to be learned from the life and death of Mr. Michael Jackson:

I'M TALKING TO THE MAN IN THE MIRROR. You were given a face. It's a nice one. Please don't change it. I hope that you will grow up and learn to love yourself exactly the way that you are.

IT'S BLACK IT'S WHITE. Life doesn't have to be lived off the wall. Try to find the grey area--often you will find that's where happiness lives. Don't create drama for the sake of creating drama.

THAT GIRL IS MINE. Value true friendships over any amount of money. A business decision will not visit you when you are sick, or lift you up when you are sad. Do the right thing; your friends might be the WINGS above your wind.

CAUSE THIS IS THRILLER. Celebrities are people who have interesting jobs. The fact that they have interesting jobs does not make them good, smart, or decent human beings. Often celebrities are extremely damaged in every other area of their life. Admire and appreciate their talents, but know that they can be very flawed people with screwed up lives. Save your hero worship for yourself.

I'M BAD. One glove in the wintertime is NEVER stylish. Take care of your things.

THE WAY YOU MAKE ME FEEL. Listen to what my friends have to say in the comment section below.

Love, Mommy

WeT PaNTS & BeeR STeiNS

Hola Chickens.

The other day my friend BJ emailed me to ask if I was not blogging as often because I was knee deep in all things MUD. I told her I was knee deep in something of roughly the same color and consistency.

It's the start of my Trade Show Cycle which means blogging will be sporadic. The only reason I am writing this morning is that I have No Pants On. My pants, soaked through in a torrential rain storm in which I walked ten blocks carrying a broken Elmo umbrella, are laying as we speak on top of a kiln I fired last night that is currently at about 750 degrees. I am sitting at my desk, at work, wearing a beach towel.

Some of you will wonder why I did not just wear my wet pants and let them dry whilst on my body. I think I know you well enough to let you in on a little personal medical secret; I am ALLERGIC TO COLD. I have a condition known as Cold Urticaria and what it basically means is that if I get wet and cold, I develop huge welts that sting and burn like I'm on fire. So all rain is "acid rain" to me. I really should keep a change of clothing at the office, or invest in one of those Gorton Fisherman outfits.

And before you ask in comments: Yes, I Am, and they are pink with purple flowers, and say Thursday in script on the right hip. Because my Wonder Woman Underoos were in the wash.

So here is a preview of some of the BRAND NEW AND EXCITING STUFF I will be showing starting in Dallas next week (sorry Texas, not going--but Hello Atlanta-see you in two weeks). Today, I want to show you my BRAND NEW GLASS. Get a gander at these beer steins which will be coming to a fine retailer near you soon.





and finally


Now, let's go see if those pants are dry...

EXPLoiT YouR CHiLDReN WeLL

Yesterday was Sexyhusbandomine & my 13 Year Anniversary! I came home to what I thought would be a lovely anniversary card from Complicated Boy. Instead-I got this:


With the following contents which I have edited. That's right Chickens: I edited this communication FBI Alien Investigation style. So that when CBoy is laying on a couch talking to his therapist years from now, a simple Google search should reveal that I was not SUCH a bad mom. I may drink too much and feed them Chinese Take Out too many times a week, but my heart is in the right place:


And that little piece of poo sitting on top of the school building? Budding Artistic Genius. He got that from Me.


Perhaps I need to spend less time on the computer, and more time teaching CBoy the correct spelling of CRAPPY.

PoST # 486

Helllllllllllllllllloooooooooooooooooooooooo Chickkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnns.
That is me calling out from the ginormous hole I am in. And you know that the first thing you need to do when you find yourself deep in a hole is to STOP DIGGING.

And so here is a guest post by BJ from Don't Overthink It.:






I was recently told to read "Who Moved My Cheese" because apparently, I am again, behind the entire population of the reading industry. No, I had not read it, I know, what a 'reading' loser, but I have had 'thangs to do' and it had not magically appeared on my nightstand.

So, I have purchased and started reading it. But I keep thinking, I have plenty of cheese, who moved my Chardonnay? I am not one to complain, you may not agree when you realize who is writing this, but give me a break, I have had all of the major life situations happen to me in the last 10 months. Lets review:
1. Divorce
2. Death
3. Loss of job

Yup, thats me. And I still can write this blog without spell check or mascara. Woo Hoo! I tell my friends when they call to check on me that I am vertical and have makeup on, so I think that is a good day. If I can teach my daughter and anyone else, resilience, I am the poster child that will keep on keepin on.

Now, my BFF that I've never laid eyes on, someone that I have a picture of in my kitchen and may or may not recognize in a dark bar, said I could write a blog for her for five bucks and 700 words or less, is either really desperate or really busy with her mudd issues and needs another guest blogger. So since I'm a team player, and would like floor space when I show up unannounced at her door, I decided I would send her this note..........

Here's a quote from Who Moved My Cheese: read on, and please keep in mind we never know what any day will bring.

Life is no straight and easy corridor along
which we travel free and unhampered, but a maze of passages, through which
we must seek our way, lost and confused, now and again, checked in a blind alley.

But always, if we have faith, a door will open for us,
not perhaps one that we ourselves would ever have thought of,
but one that will ultimately,
prove good for us

I think I like that alot....

LYGitcheeGoomieGutsLorrie,
Bj

Please go give guestblogger BJ some love here. BJ is available to guest blog for a small fee, made payable to me. Because I am the Huggy Bear of Blogger.

ToP SeCReT BloG

TIPPY TOP SECRET UBER CONFIDENTIAL POST

The Sky Is Falling, Chickens.

I have heard on good authority that a huge meteorite is about to hit Earth, blasting our planet into smithereens. The government left weeks ago for a secret hide out on Mars, leaving lookalikes in their place (really--I know you noticed something seemed a little different about Obama lately.) Only people who read this blog are allowed to be in the know, so please keep this information to yourself.

You now have three choices in terms of reacting to the news above:

1. GO ON A RAMPAGE
Now that you know the rules of society are meaningless, you need not worry about punishment. Let loose and go sow some oats. Steal, fight, pillage and destroy. For many of you this will mean basically sticking to your routine but kicking it up a notch.

2. PREPARE FOR THE AFTERLIFE
Find the nearest church, temple, synagogue or mosque and give it your all in an attempt at last minute salvation. Buy the Cliff Notes for the Bible, the Koran, or a Martha Stewart Cookbook. Ask a Higher Power for Redemption. Note-this option is not compatible with Option Number One.

3. SIT IN FRONT OF YOUR TELEVISION
Stare at the screen in numbed disbelief. You may not even notice much change from everyday life.

THIS JUST IN: Scratch all of the above. Turns out it's just Monday.

Jane! Is In Da NeST

Guest Post by RETIRED (snort) BLOGGER Jane! Proof enough that blogging really is like the mafia.

Hidey ho, Mud-hens!


Chief chicken-keeper Lorrie, is off doing some very important, mother/wife/potter things today.

Okay, I actually have no clue what’s going on. I don’t ask questions, I just jump on the chance to freelance blog.

Emphasis on the FREE part so please remember that you get what you pay for.

No, no, don’t leave! She’ll be back and I’m sure she’ll be giving away something fabulous just for commenting on this post.

Okaynotreally, but stay with me anyway, ‘kay? I’m kind of nervous.

I’ve never done this before.

I am a guest blogging virgin.

Woops.

Is the word ‘virgin’ Nonnee approved? I promised Lorrie I'd behave.

I may also be a bit rusty because a while back I gave up blogging so I could catch up on some of the neglected pieces of my life - like cleaning out the glove and mitten tub and replacing my broken shoelaces. Oh and grocery shopping, because all things edible evaporate like cheap perfume at my house.

Now before you all start pushing and shoving your way onto the blogditching bus, I better tell you it hasn’t been ALL romp and frolic. I have actually learned some things.

Firstly, I discovered that our home has probably been robbed by a large band of one-handed thieves with cold hands.

Secondly, that shoelace manufacturers totally LIE to you about how many eyelets their product will accommodate. And let me tell you, Miss Snotty Shoe-Clerk, if I had the whole shoelace to measure for replacement, I wouldn’t NEED a replacement! I am completely capable of tying knots, but not in phantom laces.

Perhaps the hardest puzzle fo my pea brain to process has been how to determine the price of things I would like to buy. Well, not really LIKE to buy because I never really LIKE to spend my money, especially on things I buy, bring home and never see again. I think our freezer has a leak.

Even though I do numbers for a living, retail is seriously causing a tumor to grow over my good nature. I’ve put up with the 99-cent lie forever because I can understand that perhaps $16.99 may sound a whole lot cheaper than $17 to someone who, say, can’t count. Or think.

One of the reasons I used to adore my beloved Tarzsay was their plain pricing. Items were $2 or $17 or $156! Not $99.99! They didn’t try to mess with my head. But these days, although I still loves the Big Red Bullseye, I have to think they have let the freaky pricing wonks infiltrate their staff - excuse me, their team membership.

Not only does $2 peanut butter share an ad page with $1.99 deodorant, but now they are selling fart fiber bars for 2 for $5. Not $2.50 or even $2.49, but 2 for $5! I imagine this is their way of getting me to buy more than one box.

Two for $5! Well, of course I must by TWO!

And once I’m hooked, it’ll be 3 for $8! And not only will I buy THREE, but I probably won’t even notice that the price has gone up because the purchasing lobe in my brain and my bowels will no longer be my own!

Okay, then please explain why the lunch-thingables are going for $1.25 while the pimped-up ramen is selling 4 for $5? Is there a reason I shouldn’t buy more than one thingable? Is this a conspiracy? Are you saying I’m fat?!?!

That’s it, I bet! Only dry noodles for Ms. Mega-thighs in You-tah!

I wonder if GM has considered using this creative pricing thing to pull itself out of bankruptcy. They already tried the 99 method, which was not highly successful because, now tell me, when you dicker the price of a car, would you EVER say to the salesman 'I give you $24,999 for that F950'? No, you would probably just say ‘I give you $19 thou, my old Bronco and a date with my slutty sister if you toss in the gun rack’.

You wouldn’t? Oh.

Well, I think GM should try selling by the seat. For instance, instead of listing a Yukon for $39,999* they should advertise it at the low, low price of just $5137 per passenger*. Sounds like a better deal, huh? And the average car buyer probably doesn’t have enough fingers to figure out that that multiplies out to $41,056 for the 8-seater and suddenly we have an extra $1000 back in the bailout fund!

Sounds nothing but win/win to me.

I do have to hope that they don’t try the 3 for $100,000 thing because my family is going to need a new auto soon and there is NOT room for THREE in my driveway.

‘Cause, if they’re 3fer…. I have to buy 3…. right?



Peace, love, Mud!


*On approved credit, other restrictions may apply. See dealer for complete details on how to spend more than you can probably afford.

BBQ PLaTTeR WiNNeR aNNouNCeD

Better late than never, Chickens. I had REAL LIFE ACTUAL photos of our REAL LIFE ACTUAL crossing guard, but after thinking about posting them on this blog feared a REAL LIFE ACTUAL law suit...so use those imaginations of yours.

The winner of the BBQ platter is...

SWEET CUDDLE CAKES!

YAY!

Here's a consolation price for you Chickens! The lovely & amazing Jane!has agreed to guest blog for me: look for her post tomorrow.

MoNDaY GiVeaWaY: DaD'S BBQ

Happy Monday, Chickens! Before Nine AM this morning I purchased snack for the Kindergarten, met about the budget for the Fall Festival, Organized 100 gifts for the Teacher Appreciation Luncheon, and designed a yearbook ad. But of course, that was the easy stuff, and now I am at work. Later this evening I hope to focus on solving World Hunger and drafting a plan for Peace in the Middle East, and also maybe clean my bathroom..so forgive me for not entertaining you with a proper blog post.


Here's today's MUD giveaway! A BBQ platter that reads : My Dad Can Cook Better Than Your Dad. This is, of course, a revsion of the "My Dad Has Better Tattoos than Your Dad and Can Drink your Dad Under the Table and Later Kick Your Dad's Ass" platter that was rejected by corporate for some reason.

Enter a comment below to win. One entry per person. Tell me what YOU are doing this monday. Winner drawn at random by the Crossing Guard who works on 21st street on Wednesday morning.