This Week in DALLAS

I get it, I get it. Even Worldsgreatestmotherinlaw Emailed to THANK ME for ending the 120 blogs in a row postings. I think if she could have figured out a way to enclose cash, she would have. The last time people were this effusive about me stopping something, I was singing the full length version of COUNTRY ROADS at karaoke night. It's a crying shame I never got to do my rendition of SUNSHINE ON MY SHOULDERS because I feel confident I could have brought the house down. Especially since I had choreographed my own interpretive dance to go with it.

So let's all just get in the proverbial shower together and realize it was...just a dream.

The "experiment" did show off the great sense of humor Sexyhusbandomine has. If you read back through the comments you'll see just how lucky I am to have a man who is the Wind Beneath My Wings-even if that wind is from last night's chili supper and even if he often blames that same wind on one of our children or the cats.

Perhaps you will be lucky enough to sit beside Sexyhusbandomine on a plane this week. If not--try to stop by and see him this week in the Enesco showroom. He'll be at The World Trade Center in Suite 409 at the Dallas Giftshow. We'll be launching our brand new OUR NAME IS MUD lines including Garden and Partyware. I'll be staying home with the chilluns. Barefoot in the kitchen as usual, practicing my rendition of MUSKRAT LOVE, sans the hand motions.

Meet The Lorries

Blog post 2 of 120 in a row.

I have decided that in addition to posting 120 blog posts in a row, that I will also seek out and meet 120 Lorries on the internet.

Starting with THIS.... the number one image result on GOGGLE. Sadly, in order to communicate with her I had to provide my credit card and proof that I am over 18 years of age.

Our Name IS Blog

I was listening to Matt & Meredith this morning and they did the lead in for A COUPLE WHO DECIDED TO HAVE SEX EVERY DAY FOR 120 DAYS IN A ROW. At which point I shut off the TV...in case Sexyhusbandomine was paying attention. I just hope Sexyhusbandomine realizes that it is A) The Kids B) the Job and 3) Because I am soooo tired from the Kids and the Job, which are the primary reason he is not participating in a similar experiment like: LET'S GIVE HUSBAND A FOOT RUB FOR 120 DAYS IN A ROW or LET'S GO TO BED AND FALL ASLEEP INSTEAD OF PASSING OUT DRUNK FOR 120 DAYS IN A ROW.

Instead- I have decided to BLOG FOR 120 DAYS IN A ROW. Yes- EVERYDAY. I am taking the proverbial newspaper into the proverbial can, and I am going to do my business.

BLOG 1:

Crap.

119 Blogs to go. Writer's Block already setting in. Can this end without me doing something desperate like creating a dream sequence that ends in a shower or eating my companions?

Or writing about........the weather?

Beastly hot. Two words to describe my agony: Thigh Chafe. More tomorrow.....

Banned From Book Club.

Recently, I stumbled across a blog called The Undomestic Diva (http://www.undomesticdiva.typepad.com ) which has the promising tagline: Just Doin the Best I Can When I Feel Like It. The woman who writes it turns a great phrase and seems to have a healthy share of a little something I like to call A SENSE OF HUMOR. I was psyched to see her "NOT A BOOK CLUB BOOKCLUB," which she billed as the mullet of bookclubs: business in the front, party in the back. And then I read the book list:

THE LIST
One for the Money - Janet Evanovich
Two for the Dough - Janet Evanovich
Three to get Deadly - Janet Evanovich
Four to Score - Janet Evanovich
High Five - Janet Evanovich
Hot Six - Janet Evanovich
Seven Up - Janet Evanovich
Hard Eight - Janet Evanovich
To the Nines - Janet Evanovich
Ten Big Ones - Janet Evanovich
Eleven On Top - Janet Evanovich
Twelve Sharp - Janet Evanovich
Lean Mean Thirteen - Janet Evanovich
Fearless Fourteen - Janet Evanovich
Something Borrowed - Emily Giffin
Something Blue - Emily Giffin
Baby Proof - Emily Giffin
Love the One You're With - Emily Giffin
Swapping Lives - Jane Green
Ask Again Later - Jill A. Davis
Remember Me - Sophie Kinsella
Good in Bed - Jennifer Weiner
Welcome to Temptation - Jennifer Cruise
Running With Scissors - Augusten Burroughs
Water for Elephants - Sara Gruen

I pride myself on being somewhat of a voracious reader: I can do PEOPLE cover to cover in one short visit to the powder room. And so I commented on the book selections and here is what I wrote:

I just stumbled across your blog and thought WHAT LUCK! Now I know what Janet Evanovich's publisher is doing with her spare time!

I had SUCH HOPES for this list. After reading your posts I thought-here is someone who will recognize the true genius of Jackie Collins. I've always wanted to explore the literary prowess of Stephen King. And if you threw in that new autobiography by Tori Selling I WOULD BE YOUR FAN FOR LIFE.

May I please spare you and your readers the agony of reading Water For Elephants (HE DIES IN THE END OK) and recommend The Final Confessions of Mabel Stark by Robert Hough? I realize the paragraph above puts my literary taste in question--but this is an awesome book about the original lion tamer for Ringling and involves escapes from mental institutions and animal maulings and DAMN I know you will love it.

For gosh sakes, wouldn't ONE Janet Evanovich be enough? Or is she like the Chinese Food of authors?

NOTE: Water For Elephants starts with a 98 year old author bemoaning that he will die soon--so in terms of spoiling it for everyone it is sort of like saying "The Mystery Gets Solved" when discussing a Nancy Drew book because it is THAT OBVIOUS.

And so it was with SUCH SURPRISE that I read the following comment:
Lorrie-
Hey thanks for ruining the ending of WFE for me.

I have been following this web site for quite a while & never have I read such a rude comment. If you don't like the book choices that we voted on months ago, please feel free to show yourself to the door.

This has been a place to go for comic relief in our day & you know what? WE ALL DIE IN THE END.

and this one in support of that one:
Sing it Beth!


Now to be honest-in between that response I had waxed a little poetic about MY OWN BOOKCLUB which my faithful readers will remember was held at a cocktail bar and involved a visit by Teen Idol Leif Garret. But really; that comment was to further endear people to me because AFTER ALL: I"M WORKING FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT HERE PEOPLE.

That said- it was a shock to find myself totally and completely BANNED from commenting on this website. I was in such denial i wrote lengthy replies TWICE; each carefully crafted to be one part snort wine out of your nose funny one part charming and endearing. BUT THOSE BITCHES WOULD NOT GIVE ME A SECOND CHANCE. Not that I really mind.

Ok, I do. Not that I am suggesting that any one of you 1600 readers (AND YES DAMN IT--BLOGGER STATS SHOW THAT WHILE I GET 1-2 COMMENTS, 1600 OF YOU READ MY INANE MUSINGS REGULARLY) not that I am suggesting that any of you go to her website and write some sort of snarky post. I mean, that would be wrong. Even though you can do it anonymously. But I'm not saying you should do that because I AM THE BIGGER PERSON and maybe, just maybe...Janet Evonovitch books are worth all this fuss.

Libra does not mean a French brassiere

Advice from my horoscope:

Don't make nasty comments about yourself behind your own back.

Do play soccer in bunny slippers at dawn in a supermarket parking lot with a gang of sadomasochistic stockbrokers who've promised to teach you the Balinese monkey chant.

Don't decorate your thigh with a sloppy tattoo of the devil pushing a lawn mower.

Do eat ripe organic strawberries that have been genetically modified and irradiated, and do chain-smoke Marlboros as you peddle your exercise bicycle, and do wander through a garbage dump while listening to Mozart on your iPod.

Don't get hooked on the fantasy that there are only two kinds of people, those who align themselves with the forces of light and those who align themselves with the forces of darkness.

Do start an organization called POMP (Proud Owners of Multiple Personalities), dedicated to erasing negative stereotypes about healthy non-schizophrenics who enjoy being a community of many different selves.

Don't lie on a floor surrounded by wine-stained poetry books, crumpled Matisse prints, abandoned underwear, and half-eaten bowls of corn flakes as you stare up at the ceiling with a mad gaze, muttering gibberish and waving your hands as if swatting away demons.

Do run along the tops of cars during a traffic jam, escaping from bad guys as you make your way to a helicopter that takes you to a spot hovering over an erupting volcano, into which you drop the Buns of Steel video.

Don't put your soul up for auction on the eBay website.

Do write a cookbook filled with recipes you've channeled from dead celebrities.

If you come upon a lamp with a genie in it, don't wish you had a magic wand.

Hmmm. Damn good thing I'm a Libra.
All predictions from www.freewillastrology.com

Friends, Romans, Countrymen...lend me your

ear.

Tonight I had a big chunk of my right ear removed--the price I paid for several years spent slathered in baby oil and iodine and trying to get highlights from lemon juice. The surgery was pretty much painless and (woopee) I got to read an ENTIRE ISSUE of Good Housekeeping which featured seven women who WALKED THEIR WAY TO SKINNY which is all kinds of inspiring (read: I'll start Monday.)

The thing about having your ear cartilage cut away with a scalpel is that YOU CAN HEAR IT and it sounds like the Pacman video game. Like Pacman on Red Bull.

I have seven stitches. I have finally done something that impresses my son. Who knew that the key to his heart was disfigurement? I would have cut off a few toes a long time ago had I known the injury would elevate me to such status.

Sadly, sexyhusband o' mine does not find the ear wound that attractive. In between trying to take pictures of it with his cell phone camera so he can show me HOW DISGUSTING IT IS he described it as rather oozy and wet. And if I weren't absolutely sure that his mother reads this blog (HI NONNEE) I would have something to say about his previous reactions to those two words.

The Constipated Blogger

So, in case you haven't noticed, I have been a little--shall we say "stopped up" --on this blog these past few weeks. Maybe it's because nothing interesting has happened lately in my personal life (skin cancer is really a bummer of a topic) or because I have become newly aware of the need to be hyper vigilant not to offend my current boss, any ethnic or religious group, family members, current friends and former acquaintances, and THE ENTIRE PTA OF PS11. Or maybe it's because in an effort to lose that last pesky 50 lbs I have foregone my usual nightly glass (read: bottle) of pinot grigio and as a result have totally lost my blog mojo.

Whatever the reason: the results are the same and now I fear that all three of my loyal readers are set to desert me for some blog by a mom who COOKS! or KNOWS CELEBRITIES! or DOES A GOOD JOB AS A MOM! It will just be me and my uber supportive Mother In Law (HI NONNEE) out here in cyberspace. So I turned to the most reliable source in times of trouble and I GOOGLED THE HELL out of blog topics.

The number one GOOGLE result is www.chrisbrogan.com/ 100-blog-topics-i-hope-you-write. And he starts off like this:
People often ask me how I come up with things to blog about, and I find the question strange, because my problem is the opposite. I have too much to blog about.

Which made me want to say: "well whoop-de-freeking-do Chris Brogan. You must lead AN INCREDIBLY EXCITING LIFE." But then I looked at the 100 suggested blog topics and here is a sampling:

How I Use Facebook
Should My Town Use Social Media?
Technology That Empowers Me
Twitter Jaiku Pownce Facebook
The Difference Between Fark and Truemors

WHAT THE HELL IS CHRIS BROGAN TALKING ABOUT ANYWAY? Because I have absolutely no idea what a Twitter is (distant cousin of Tweety Bird, maybe?) and Facebook is a place my young nephews hang out on and hope I never figure out. So Fark yourself Mr. Brogan. Where are the inspiring blog topics like: My Recent Trip To Kmart. Because I CAN RUN WITH THAT BALL. And by the way, Jacqueline Smith-not only beautiful, but what a designer.

Luckily-there is always a NUMBER TWO in Google and this was "The World's Largest Blog Niche and Topic Idea List" which sounds Mighty Promising, doesn't it? I was all prepared to SUPERSIZE ME a writing topic. So what a disappointment to find that these were the listed topics:

Adult Education
Your Brain & Learning
Campus Life
Education Reform
Home Schooling

I don't have a helluva lot to say about any of the above except maybe The Campus Life topic, but both my husband and my father are readers so I couldn't be truthful and WHAT FUN IS THAT. So we were back to square one, or Google #3, which pointed me towards www.timschmoyer.com and the "100 blog topics I Hope You Write" which again, SOUNDS SO PROMISING....
But turns out Mr. Schmoyer is a fan of Mr. Brogan and he basically just appropriated Mr. Brogan's list and put a Christian Right spin on it as follows:

How to use Facebook for Ministry
Technology I use in Youth Ministry

BUT THEN I SAW IT! Blog topic #18 on his list! Addressing Porn and Masturbation at Youth Group! Now THERE was a topic I could sink my teeth into! If I were not worried about offending my boss, any ethnic, religious or social group, friends and family and former acquaintances and that damn ENTIRE PTA of PS11.

Lindsay Lohan Has Great Taste

And I'm not just calling this entry that because I want to move up in Google! Behold this week's issue of PEOPLE magazine. That's our MOTHER tile hanging in La Lohan's room! It has a FEATURED ROLE in the opening credits of Dianah Lohan's new reality show on e.

I'm off to make a mug for the Spears girls.

Shameless Promotion

This is a shot from the June issue of Entrepreneur Start Ups magazine. Pick up a copy at your local newstand.

Almost Famous

I just got the news that I will be appearing beside Katherine Heigil in the movie The Ugly Truth which starts filming this week and will be released by Columbia Pictures in 2009. OK- I won't actually be appearing BESIDE her...more like BEHIND HER or ON HER DESK. It is also quite possible that the director will have her DRINK FROM ME. I was up for the part against millions of mugs and they chose me! I can hardly believe it! I may never have to waitress again.

I'll admit for a long time we were jealous of that PRINCESS mug that has been appearing regularly on Law and Order. Ever since she got that gig she has stopped returning phone calls and the only time we see her is if the paps happen to catch her leaving lunch at the Ivy. I've heard there's a possibility she is moving into Phoebe Price's cupboards.

But truthfully....what I really want to do is direct.

CLOWNS

In my previous post I wrote to a circus director that we both knew similar clowns. I need to go on the record that I meant ACTUAL CLOWNS. I was in no way referring to my family, co workers, friends, superiors, local union people or any ethnic or religious group I have had contact with in the past 44 years.

My friend Nancy Schwartz left Drew University, where we both were studying, to attend Clown College in Orlando. Nancy was four foot tall and she felt she could really carve out a future for herself if she could master the unicycle and learn how to cram thirty people into a Volkswagon Bug. I went to visit her on Spring Break and I can tell you that there's no fraternity in existence that can out-party the kids at Clown College. Two words: Naked Juggling.

As fun as that experience was, I admit to not being a fan of those who don the red rubber nose. Maybe it was Stephen King's book IT--in which he wrote graphically about a clown's face appearing in in the space between the sidewalk curb and the sewer grate. Maybe it was the fact that most children's party entertainers I met smelled of a mixture of flop sweat and beer. Or maybe it was Judy Collins singing ISN'T IT RICH, DON'T YOU AGREE. (Until recently I used to think she was singing ISN'T IT RICH, DON'T YOU LOVE TEA.)

Along with all the other odd proclivities and genetically programmed angst that I have passed on to Jesse, FEAR OF CLOWNS definitely ranks in the top 5 (Along with FEAR OF BALLOONS FLYING AWAY and FEAR OF CHOKING ON A PIECE OF POPCORN.) He was two the first time we encountered a band of them, randomly strolling on stilts through a restaurant, wearing clothing with patches and bright red smiles. Ours was the child that had to be physically removed from the setting, screaming hysterically at the top of his lungs, and obviously SCARRED FOR LIFE. Since then we must always be certain that anywhere we go is a CLOWN FREE ZONE.

Just like Pagliacci did
I try to keep my surface hid
Smiling in the crowd I try
But in a lonely room I cry
The tears of a clown

More Real Mail

The following message was sent from ournameismud.com by Al:

I recently received a gift from your company.  It is a desk plaque that reads "Impossible you say?  Nothing is impossible when you work for the circus."
I love it.  Do you know where that quote came from?  Who said it?  I'm more curious than anything else.  I am a circus director for Illinois State University. You see I actually do work for a circus and this motto applies to me very appropriately.  Any help on this issue would be great. 

sincerely,

Al


Hi Al!
Thanks for your Email. I'm so glad you like our plaque. As to who first said: "Impossible you say? Nothing is impossible when you work for the circus." the answer would be: Me. You see, I work for a circus too: except instead of three rings I have two different phone lines and a computer and instead of lions and tigers I have small children and an endless TO-DO LIST. But I think we both know similar clowns.


Kindest Regards,
Lorrie

Happy Mother's Day!

.
One of the ways that I try to balance Motherhood with Everything Else is to LIVE BY THE CALENDAR. It hangs prominently in the kitchen and Our Entire Lives are carefully noted on the Appropriate Dates. In addition to helping us avoid scheduling conflicts, we can be ready anytime Annie asks HOW MANY DAYS IS IT UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY--which is asked and answered at least three times weekly...for approximately eleven months at a time.

Lately, odd entries have appeared on certain dates. Last week, Tuesday May 13th, the entry read in bold letters: NO SCHOOL. I almost fell for it.... but in his eagerness Jesse had added the word "YAY" underneath.

Today is Mother's Day, and oddly enough the next two Thursdays are National Jesse and Annie Days. Apparently the calendar company has decided to add these holidays into May--along with the words "No Yelling Allowed."

Marry Sheree's Brother

(You can see a picture on Sheree's blog at www.musewarepottery.com)

This is my brother, Russell. He's 6'4" and around 210 lbs. He turned 50 on August 15, which makes him a Leo - fire sign - strong willed, opinionated, bossy, charming. He's handsome, wicked funny, a gifted musician and chronically single. While there is nothing actually wrong with him, he does work weird hours & often has to travel to make a living. The last time I counted, he had something like four (five?) cars and seven motorcycles. This alone may explain why he has never married. Who wants to park a block away?

This is a man who can fix just about anything - ok, your car or motorcycle but maybe not your broken furniture. He will make you laugh every day. He might cook you hot dogs or spaghetti but you'll have get the dishes out of the sink first. You'll need to seriously clean the bathroom. He'll write you a song and sing it to you and it will be poetic and romantic. You won't want to mess with his garage. I call it Man Land. And even though he tortured me as a child and I hated his guts, I'm very fond of him now so you'll have to share him. Our family is crazy. You'll need to be, too.

Back to Blog

Forgive me, dear readers, for leaving you hanging these past two weeks. Nothing really noteworthy happened this week with the exception of these two OMG moments:

I caught Jesse at the bathroom sink with a tube of self tanning cream that he mistook for Kip's hair gel.

and

I caught Jesse sitting at the keyboard hitting random keys--one of which happened to be DELETE--while my email was open on the screen. So if you haven't heard back from me, now you know why......

Another Real Email

Back from vacation and digging out of a pile of emails. Like this one....... (Thank you for sending it to me!)


Well now THIS has GOT to be the ODDEST and LONGEST story to add to the Bizarre story of this plate that i can imagine!....i BELIEVE you mailed this a LONG LONG time ago....and i actually KNOW that it ARRIVED here a LONG LONG time ago also!....
HOWEVER...today it's actually REALLY HONESTLY HERE!....
here's what happened....i live in a small very rural town....everybody pretty much knows everyone else....i'm in the process of moving to an even MORE nowhere land in Northern North Dakota where my daughter's entire school only has 65 students (boy is SHE in for a culture shock!)...i've known about the move since my dream came true in January and i started packing then...and i'm STILL packing now (YIKES) and we are moving in 6 weeks....
sorry i just had to give you a background on this GORGEOUS and WONDERFUL plate you sent me (and probably thought i was a total JERK for not letting you know it arrived...which i WOULD have done IF i had KNOWN it arrived!)
so here's the most "Twilight Zone" story behind this.....(play the "da da da daaaa da da da daaa" Twilight Zone music for this! LOL
anyway....it seems that i wasn't home the day it was delivered...it was raining or sleeting or something nasty and my postmistress (who is also my next door neighbor down the road a piece as they say) didn't want to leave it and it didn't fit in my mailbox...ANYWAY whoever it was happened upon ANOTHER neighbor (down the road apiece in the opposite direction) was walking her dog (she AND the dog are about 90 years old ...in people AND in dog years i'm guessing LOL)...well SHE said she'd take the box and bring it to me when she figured i was back home....
that WOULD have been FINE except (now this is where it gets even MORE weird) her SISTER was ill in another state and it was unexpected SO she ended up going there for almost a month....THEN when she got home of course she wasn't thinking of the package that SHOULD have come to me...BUT
eventually she found it AND...
now this gets MORE unbelieveable...i wasn't home again BUT the person (my sort've ex boyfriend who broke the plate in the first place) was at the house moving packing boxes around....he took it AND put it in a box....a "TO BE MOVED" box....and forgot to tell me about it....
OK here is the only GOOD part of this....we were out at Flea Market/ Antique Show last weekend....on one of the tables was one of your Mudd Cat Mugs....it got me thinking about the plate you said you'd send me....i mentioned it to him and he said something like "hhhhmmmmm well there WAS this box about a century of months ago that some old lady dropped off that didn't get to you from a mailing and i don't know what happened to it? are you missing anything you were expecting??...well i said i wasn't EXPECTING ANYTHING but i was HOPING that you had had a chance to make me that plate....HE said he wondered what happened to it?...i said "I wonder what happened to that BOX?!?!" he said he THOUGHT it might have ended up in a PACKED box...and i said (ok NOT that nicely)..."WELL WE BETTER FIND that box!!!"
.....(intermission here)....to let you know that there are OVER 150 boxes all packed floor to ceiling in an empty guest room right now...and MOST of them were packed in the last 2 months which MEANT that the "Probable" box this might have been packed in was at the VERY BACK of the room behind about 120 boxes more RECENTLY packed and stacked...did that make a difference to me?!?! NOT ONE BIT...now don't imagine that i hate men JUST because they are from another planet...not to mention my ex husband's 27 affairs in 17 years of marriage...just believe that THIS man (which is why he's my EX boyfriend) can be a bit dense....he said "well i guess you'll find out what's in the box when you get to ND"...my reply of course was..."H**# NO i won't....i will have it about 6 weeks BEFORE that!....SO)
to make this rediculously long story a BIT shorter as i'm SURE you don't want to hear about the 3 a.m. UNpacking and REpacking frenzy that went on here for the last 4 nights....about BOX #132 opened and VOILA an unopened box WHICH (like the end of pandora's box) held A GORGEOUS Feline Groovy Plate that is WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL AND makes my heart sing!
i'm leaving it displayed until i move as i will pack it last again so i can look at it now and enjoy it SO MUCH!!!...it's got the most PERFECT NEW home in MY new home to be looked at every day...i know JUST where it's going to be on the wall....a place of high honor near to it's Poodle with a Mohawk (they are great friends now)....i can't EVER thank you enough....i wish the BEST to you and your daughter (MY this age is hard!!!!! mine is 12).....you are every explative that's goddess like that i can't think of now but will CERTAINLY continue to think of every time i look at this gorgeous plate!
i don't know what i could ever do to repay you....but you name it and i'll do it....i'm an ex college professor of creative writing and english lit (i'm great at editing writing)...i had to retire because of MS...i make weird and funky glass jewelry and sun catchers....my quilts are more like "Martha Stwart on Drugs" but SOME people like them (ok ok I like them anyway LOL)....and if you're ever in Northern North Dakota i'm an excellent cook and there's a REALLY nice guest room too!
or ALL of the above LOL
thank you thank you thank you
may all your dreams come true too
JL

We're Off Again!

What's with the "test" blog below you ask? (Well, actually--YOU didn't ask, Tash did. YOU never ask me anything. More about that later.)

The Veaseys are heading out of town today to sunny Charleston for a week. We're leaving Yillman and the seven rotweillers in charge as usual. (Hopefully I will not forget to post my address and the location of my silver.) In an effort to find coverage for this blog in my absence, I was testing my capability to snatch images and content from other blogs and post them here. And just like there was a learning curve in the mastery of copying Susan Miller's History exam answers upside down and backward while in High School, it's going to take a while before I can easily cheat the Blogger Man.

Why Worry you ask? (Well, actually--YOU didn't ask. Again. You personify the sound of silence.) A check of this blogs stats shows that I have almost 1600 readers to date! 1600 readers... and only 3 people comment.

Which means you guys like to use me for your pleasure and then not speak to me afterwards.....HEY THIS IS JUST LIKE COLLEGE! (sorry, Dad.)

So I am bringing a laptop with us.

Test

see more crazy cat pics">

Mama's Got a Boo Boo

Scene: 6:30 a.m. at the Veasey household. Last night's dinner dishes line the counter. Kip & Lorrie stand together at the kitchen table, looking at mysterious packets that arrived from their insurance company.

LORRIE: What does it say?
KIP: I'm trying to read it.
LORRIE: What are these things for?
KIP: I'm trying to figure out the directions.
LORRIE: This does not look good. What is this thing?
KIP: STOP MESSING UP THE STUFF.

Kip picks up a small plastic thingamabob and holds it against his middle finger and pushes a hidden button. Instantly blood begins to pour from his self inflicted wound. He holds the injured finger over a piece of cardboard with three circles on it and begins to fill each space with blood.

LORRIE: Did that hurt?
KIP: It hurt like a Mother.
LORRIE: You should do mine then, cause I'm not doing it.
KIP: You have to do it.
LORRIE: No I don't. We eat basically the same thing--our cholesterol should be pretty even.
KIP: You have to do it for the insurance company.
LORRIE: COME ON. I WOULD GIVE YOU MY PEE IF IT WERE RANDOM DRUG TESTING--GIVE ME YOUR BLOOD.
KIP: You gotta do it.
LORRIE: I'm NOT GONNA DO IT!

KIp grabs Lorrie's arm and the two wrestle about the kitchen. There is much sweating and swearing. Finally Kip manages to pin Lorrie's arm down on the table and jams the metal lance into the tiny sensitive pad of her finger. Blood splurts. She collapses, betrayed and defeated, and allows him to drip her lifeblood onto the three tiny circles on the card that he will send to the insurance company.

LORRIE: I can't believe you just did that to me.
KIP: For the record, I'm not going with you when you have to get a colonoscopy.

Off into the Funset

I leave tomorrow to go to Ft. Lauderdale and film an episode of DESIGNING SPACES for The Learning Channel. I'll be appearing on an episode as AN EXPERT ON GIFTS FOR NEW PARENTS which is funny because I am usually the one handing an unwrapped gift card and an apology to a friend when the child is about two years old.

I did all the things I hate in preparation for this appearance: like SHAVE MY LEGS AND PLUCK MY EYEBROWS. Well, actually i shaved my eyebrows because it's a lot quicker and a heckuva lot less painful. The downside is that hair then grows all over your eyelids--but that's a small price to pay to avoid the tweezers.

I also got a fancy Spray On Tan in a booth which took me right back to the days of my childhood-- standing in the backyard with my arms straight out at either side while my mother sprayed me with bug spray. No matter how tight as I locked up my lips I would still taste that stuff in my mouth for hours afterwards. I'd like to say that Spray On Tan tastes a little bit like chicken...but it doesn't.

I also stopped at a trendy little boutique store to possibly buy something that I did not need. As I stood over a display of leggings--wondering if there was anyway I could possibly pull off a pair of footless tights--the 20 something sales clerk strolled right up to me and announced in a voice filled with Excitement Just For Me : WE JUST GOT READING GLASSES IN!

Cripes

How often do you get to open up your email and see the following:


The following message was sent from ournameismud.com by Jesus:

Hello, my name is Jesus <>, and I am writing from Iraq.

What follows is a long email request for a cereal bowl for his girlfriend, which I will make--because I was tickled to say I got an email from Jesus, and happy to let my agnostic friends know that He is alive and well and currently in Iraq.

My Little Chica

We took Annie and Jesse to a new park this weekend. A small group of children were playing together and speaking in Spanish. Annie watched for a moment and then went up to the group.
"HOLA." She said shyly to one child.
"HOLA" She repeated, louder to another.
"HOLA! HOLA! HOLA!" She cried out to the dark haired children who ran in circles around her, but did not acknowledge her greeting.

"You're not Spanish!" one of them finally called to her, before climbing up the slide.
Annie turned to me, crestfallen.
"But I FEEL Spanish" she said.

PART ONE: MEET THE PARENTS

It is always interesting to see yourself through the eyes of your children. In my mind, Annie and Jesse picture me as a stunning blonde, fabulously creative and uber patient--prancing through a field of flowers leaving a trail of homemade chocolate chip cookies and kisses that make everything all better.

So it was a shocking blow to see that Jesse had included my track marks in this portrait he did of me recently.

However...I think I fared better than my better half....

PART TWO: MEET THE PARENTS

(Continued from above)

Who-as you can see--needs to start shaving his neck, and has been smoking so much of the ganja that his eyes are a lovely shade of red.

ACTUAL conversation this weekend

An Honest-to-Gosh conversation, word for word, with Jesse and Annie yesterday:

ME: Do you guys know what that yellow bush is called?
JESSE: Daffodils
ANNIE: Potpourri
ME: Forsythia
ANNIE: Who's Sythia?
JESSE: Mom, when can we go to A capella?
ME: It's a flower; Forsythia
JESSE: No it's not-it's in Mexico.

The Art in My Office- A Series

Many people assume that because I work in a creative field that I have taste outside of my mouth. They imagine me in a room painted in tasteful colors, surrounded by carefully selected objects d'art. What a disappointment it must be to find me in my little office; which is actually decorated with stuff like the unused High School Musical wrapping paper from Jesse's birthday and half eaten packages of rice cakes.

I had some difficulties posting this series. To begin with, my iphone camera lense is like a little electric bellybutton with a major lint problem. I don't know what I got in there: but it was certainly greasy with a hint of sand--so all of these photos will look a bit fuzzy; for that reason I strongly recommend drinking heavily before viewing.

Blogger also took about nine years to upload each image--so by the time you are reading this, I have moved to a corner office in a skyscraper somewhere and I have a glass topped desk and a painting of a naked spanish lady over my leather couch.

More Art in my Office- Cats by Denitza

This is an amazing painting given to me by Denitza, who is an incredibly talented artist with a great website at www.denitza-nyc.com

This is a painting of Lenny & Boots. Boots is the pretty one with the green eyes. They were our studio cats at my old studio which was infested with mice. Boots fell in love with Dan--a sit on your lap mew to be petted constantly kind of love--and he took her home to live with him when we moved to our new space.

Lenny stayed with me, although we really should seek some kind of counseling. Somedays I don't know if he truly loves me or if I am just his catnip dealer. Lately in the middle of a phone conference with My Boss he will sneak onto the table behind me and jump onto my back and shoulders-causing me to drop the phone and swear loudly. My Boss thinks I have Tourettes.

More Art in my Office- Jesse

Here is a recent painting by my (newly turned) 7 year old. I don't know if the incredible detail will show up on this blog: I am waiting for them to invent the iphone with FLASH. Please get right on that, people at apple.

Anyway- we feel there is a good possibility that Jesse will grow up to do something artistic. It's not just the paintings and sculptures he makes...it's that he continues to pursue a line of questioning that often starts with "Mommy, what would happen if I decided that what I wanted to be when I grew up was someone who didn't work?"

More Art in my Office- Denitza's Trees

I do have a window in my office with a lovely view of a brick wall. Denitza gave me this painting as a gift, and when I look at it I can almost feel myself in a lush black and white forest.

The Art In My Office-Last in the Series

This is a portrait done by a former employee named Stephan--who was creative and imaginative and very artistic but was also unfortunately a bit of dyslexic-which tripped him up when he had to do the final proof of our catalog and well...SORRY WE FIRED YOU STEPHAN BUT I STILL LOVE THE PAINTING.

That would be me in the center with flowing locks of hair, and in a stunning kiss-ass move, Stephan has me looking about 25 pounds thinner than I am in real life. Around me are: Judith (works across the street now) Connie (Moved to Florida but still drunk emails me) Andrea (we don't speak) Nasan (Somewhere in the Midwest now-much missed) Dan (Still here. Yep still here. No really-it's been like 11 years and he is still here.) and Denitza (still my girl.) I have always been lucky to be surrounded by the greatest people.

The Plague Comes To VeaseyTown

I read once that nothing fights a nasty virus like a DIET HIGH IN FAT. I embraced that doctrine wholeheartedly (pondering it over a half gallon of Ben & Jerry's) -because type two diabetes and heart attacks aside--I will do anything to avoid a flu bug. However-this particular germ that has been stalking us and has kept my children out of school for two weeks and ruined a perfectly good plan to play hookey at Disneyland--caught up with me yesterday morning and knocked me on my keister just in time to ruin Easter.

The thing about being a Mom and being sick is that there is NOWHERE TO RUN TO, BABY...NOWHERE TO HIDE. If you lay on your bed, curled in a fetal position, a child will find you and ask to cuddle. If you try to escape to the bathroom they will stand outside the door pleading an emergency of their own. So while Kip did his best to run interference for me, I escaped to the one place I thought they might not look for me: in their own room. I fell fast asleep in Annie's toddler bed, my body bent at an impossible angle. Only to be awakened moments later by Jesse, who stood beside me and repetitively thrust the ear thermometer in my ear, checking me for fever, grinding it INTO MY BRAIN, asking "is 104 bad or good Mom?"

Later, I sat beside Annie on the couch watching the thirteenth episode of Sponge Bob and sharing a box of tissues with her. She is still unwell herself, and at one point sneezed loudly. Her exact words were: "Merciful Heavens, this cold has got to end." If I were not so doped up on sudafed, I might ask her where she picked the whole "Merciful Heavens" thing up.

And we'rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre Back: and just in time to help Tibet

We are back. I am doing my best to eradicate several memories associated with this particular vacation--such as hotel waste baskets full of child vomit and 4 am fever wake up calls, but I am unsure as to wether or not ENOUGH WINE EXISTS IN THIS WORLD. So we shall talk no more of it--and if I win the award for Worst Vacation Ever it better not be a trip to Disneyland. Shout out to my girl Christine for sitting in for me as Guest Blogger so that I could continue my slow climb up the Google search engines, as well as keep all 3 of my readers entertained in my absence...although it's really 2 readers since Christine is reader number 3, so I am not sure if she counts.

I do my best to be the COOL WHIP of blogs. And you know if you eat a bowl of it--often served as dinner at Chez Veasey--that while sweet, cool and uber whipped; it is all air and NO SUBSTANCE. So I avoid typing the words Obama and Empty Rhetoric in the same sentence, or crafting a discourse on this Stupid War, or even weighing in on Global Warming except to occassionally mention that Al Gore has just gotten so much better looking with age. I mean, I know everyone is all like George Clooney is The Man-but for me it's All Al. That would be the sound of my ice caps melting.

My friend Sophie is verrrrry smart and verrrry English and sometimes she is both together--like when she wears "wellies with heels." She emailed the following about what's happening in another neck of the woods (not ours)

Dear friends,

After decades of suffering, the Tibetan people have burst onto the streets in protests and riots. The spotlight of the upcoming Olympic Games is now on China, and Tibetan Nobel peace prize winner the Dalai Lama is calling to end all violence through restraint and dialogue--he urgently needs the world's people to support him.

China's leaders are lashing out publicly at the Dalai Lama--but we're told many Chinese officials believe dialogue is the best hope for stability in Tibet. China's leadership is right now considering a crucial choice between crackdown and dialogue that could determine Tibet's--and China's--future.

We can affect this historic choice--China does care about its international reputation, and we can help them choose the right path. China's President Hu Jintao needs to hear that the 'Made in China' brand and the upcoming Olympics in Beijing will succeed only if he makes the right choice. But it will take an avalanche of global people power to get his attention. Click below now to join 250,000 others and sign the petition--and tell absolutely everyone you can right away--our goal is 1 million voices united for Tibet:

http://www.avaaz.org/en/tibet_end_the_violence/20.php

China's economy is dependent on "Made in China" exports that we all buy, and the government is keen to make the Olympics in Beijing this summer a celebration of a new and respected China. China is also a sprawling, diverse country with much brutality in its past. And it has good reasons to be concerned about stability -- some of Tibet's rioters killed innocent people. But President Hu must recognize that the greatest danger to Chinese stability and development today comes from hardliners who advocate escalating repression, not from those Tibetans seeking dialogue and reform.

We will deliver our petition directly to Chinese officials in New York, London and Beijing, but it must be a massive number before we deliver the petition. Please forward this email to your address book with a note explaining to your friends why this is important, or use our tell-a-friend tool to email your address book--it will come up after you sign.

The Tibetan people have suffered quietly for decades. It is finally their moment to speak--we must help them be heard.

With hope and respect,

Ricken, Iain, Graziela, Paul, Galit, Pascal, Milena, Ben and the whole Avaaz team

Here are some links with more information on the Tibetan protests and the Chinese response:

Crackdown in Tibet, but protests spreading:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/mar/19/tibet.china
http://www.theage.com.au/news/world/crackdown-on-protests-widens/2008/03/17/1205602289349.html

Dalai Lama calling for dialogue and restraint, and an end to violence:
http://www.dalailama.com/news.216.htm
http://www.agi.it/world/news/200803191258-pol-ren0032-art.html

Leaders across Europe and Asia starting to back dialogue as the way forward:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/7300157.stm

Chinese Prime Minister attacks "Dalai clique", leaves door open for talks:
http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2008-03/18/content_7813194.htm

Other Chinese signals:
http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/China_looks_at_India_to_talk_to_Dalai_Lama/articleshow/2875142.cms
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ABOUT AVAAZ
Avaaz.org is an independent, not-for-profit global campaigning organization that works to ensure that the views and values of the world's people inform global decision-making. (Avaaz means "voice" in many languages.) Avaaz receives no money from governments or corporations, and is staffed by a global team based in London, Rio de Janeiro, New York, Paris, Washington DC, and Geneva.

Christine's Last & Final Guest Blog

Today is St. Patrick’s Day. Considering I am half Irish (the good half!) I usually celebrate the occasion. I am also half German. This can be a lethal concoction when someone makes me VERY angry. “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry”.. get it? The Hulk? (ooh! and he is green, how perfect!) LOL!

Anyway…unfortunately for me, in the words of our Lovely Lorrie, LIFE SUCKS EGGS! (sometimes), therefore I wasn’t doing any celebrating today. But that is okay, there is a GOOD reason.

Today was the day from 7734 (I know, I can act SO grade skool!). For those of you who aren’t familiar with 7734, get a calculator, type it in, and turn it upside down! LOL. I thought I would use the numerical version of the word so I wouldn’t get myself in trouble and be banned from possibly being a guest blogger in the future if the privilege ever arises again (ahem, hint….hint! *giggle*).

Today SUCKS because I am about to lose my mother to cancer. She has lung cancer and we believe her time has come. When I went to see her, my mother as I know her, wasn’t there. It was truly heartbreaking. She is on oxygen now, and is being made comfortable. My father is just beside himself. We all are. She is a fighter though. Now I know where I get it from. She will continue to fight too. It is unbelievable.

There is strength to be found in situations like this. Strength that you never knew you had. Although this is a very sad time, it is also one of awakening. Yeah, I have my occasional meltdown. And I tell myself that it is OKAY to feel. So today, after said meltdown, I told myself “okay, pick your butt UP, stand TALL, and move forward….and go indulge in some peanut butter and chocolate.” And that I did. Gertie hooked me up LOVELY! Let’s give a shout out to Gertie!

The Queen of Clay will be returning tomorrow! Yaaaaaaaayyy!! So this is Christine, signing off!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! I hope everyone indulged themselves in some green beer(s). If you have any left, have one (or MANY) for me!
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields,
And until we meet again,
May God hold you
In the palm of his hand

Guest Blog #4

Meet the REAL Squirtle!

Hello Mud fans! Yes, Christine is back with her 4th guest blog! I now think that this is becoming an obsession! I love it!

Today I thought I would introduce everyone to the REAL life Squirtle. For those of you who don’t know who the cartoon Squirtle is, he is a turtle who is part of the Pokemon team. I admit, I do not watch Pokemon. I became familiar with Squirtle while watching a Robot Chicken skit on Adult Swim. I never laughed so hard in my life. I almost wet my pants!

For me, Squirtle is not a cartoon nor a turtle. But he is VERY real and a godsend! Squirtle is my spray bottle that has THE only control over Creamy. Creamy hates him, but that is the idea! Sometimes all Squirtle has to do to control Creamy is give a good shake. There are times, however, when it is absolutely necessary for Squirtle to start spewing water all over the place. This does have its drawbacks.

For example, when Creamy is wet, EVERYTHING gets wet. It gets even better when, after battling it out with Squirtle, Creamy decides to roll around in the litter box and then lie on my bed. I SWEAR he plots these evil shenanigans!

Squirtle has been my best friend this morning. This cat is completely out of control today. Perhaps I can slap him up on eBay and throw in Squirtle for free! LOL! Naaaaaah, I love him! He is a Creamy kitten, there are many like him but this one is MINE!

It is obvious that Creamy did NOT drink decatf this morning!

Guest Blog #3

I Want To Be a Cat

Bonjour! Tis me Christine again! Can you tell I am just having the time of my life writing blogs? I think I am going to start my own! What fun! I didn’t realize how much I like to ramble!

I looked at my cat this evening, who is the CUTEST cat in the world in my eyes because I am his mommy, and I thought to myself…man, I want to be a cat! Here are the 10 reasons why I want to be a cat:

You are loved every single moment of every single day!
Someone feeds you. You don’t have to cook, EVER.
You don’t have to clean, do laundry, go grocery shopping, or pay bills.
You can sleep ALLLLL day, anywhere in the house convenient or not, and not get moved because you are just “too cute”.
You are loved every single moment of every single day!
Massages are available, anytime of the day, at your request.
You are given every type of treat made (known here as “num-nums”) no matter HOW you behave.
You still get something to eat when it is dinner time for your parents.
Someone cleans your “bathroom” every single day, throughout the day.
Oh yeah, did I mention you are loved every single moment of every single day?

As you can see my cat Creamy is completely worn out. This is from being B-A-D! He is constantly doing something bad when he isn’t sleeping. But he is just AWESOME! I LOVE him! However, I must admit that I REALLY like it when he sleeps because this means he is not eating my silk plants, opening the refrigerator, chewing on the remote controls, clawing at the glass on my entertainment center, chewing the strings on my guitars, running away with my writing utensils in his mouth, chewing on my text books, knocking everything off my nightstand, chewing on my toes while I am trying to sleep, chewing my laptop or mouse cord, chewing on my shoes, or hacking up hairballs a foot long. I know there is other bad stuff, but this is all I can think up at the immediate moment. Let’s just say I love it when my cat drinks decatf (lol)!

Yeah…I want to be a cat.

Guest Blog #2

Question: What goes GREAT with a cup of Smarty Pants coffee on a Saturday night at 10:00 pm?

Answer: That’s right… satellite radio! Yeah baby! Groovy!

Hello everyone! It’s me again..Christine! This is my second blog for the Queen of Craft, Lorrie. Boy do I have some very prestigious shoes to fill! Whew!

It is Saturday night and I decided that after doing 12 loads of laundry today (equaling 24 laps up and down 2 flights of stairs and a driveway – ye gads!) I deserved to have some fun. Perhaps I worked off some of that peanut butter. So I grabbed my other favorite and treasured mug, my satellite radio, some good java, and my kitties, and kicked back to enjoy some tune-age. Funny story about the radio…

The satellite radio was given to me as a gift, along with the car and home installation kits. When I first opened it, I was totally psyched! Imagine me… having satellite radio when the stereo in my living room still has to be manually tuned (in other words, no push buttons to adjust the stations). For a geek like me, that is just sooooo sad!

I ripped open the radio boxes with uncontrollable excitement and there were the installation manuals AND user guides. Great, something I had to read AND study. Computer geek? Yes. Stereo aficionado, um NO. But hey, no problem, I am an A+ student in school, so if I can write business and marketing plans, do statistical analyses, and all other M.B.A. stuff, I can hook up a satellite radio! Piece of cake! How hard can it be? (ummmmm, yeeeaaahh).

My first feat would be the car kit. I studied the manual all night on a Sunday night, and printed out all of the guides from the website. I made a step by step plan, and on Monday morning I was ready to go after downing 5 cups of coffee (I had a feeling it was going to be a LONG day). The first step was to install the antenna on top of the roof of the car. Being 5’1, and having the shakes from having OD’d on coffee, this posed a challenge. So I went on my porch and grabbed one of those flimsy white plastic patio chairs to stand to reach the roof (“smart” eh?). I thought to myself, “I used to be a ballerina, I can balance on this, no problem.” My little Italian neighbor, Mr. Thomasetti, walked over to check out what I was doing (besides rocking back and forth on the chair). Our conversation went as follows:

Mr. T: Whatta you doin Christina? You falla down and break somethinga!

Me: I’m okay! I’m just installing this antenna for my satellite radio.

Mr. T: Heh? Whatta radio?

Me: Satellite radio.

Mr. T: I hava no idea whatta you do Christina, justa be careful. You no fall!

Me: Okie dokie!

He then walks away shaking his head. Too funny!

The good new is that I didn’t fall AND I did get the radio installed in both my car and my home. I RULE! LOL! I was so proud of myself. Now I tell everyone to get one and I will install it for them! Heh heh heh!

I guess the Smarty Pants mug does, in fact, apply afterall!

Guest Blog #1

Chunky Dunking

(Picture coming)

Greetings everyone! My name is Christine and I will be a guest blogger for Lorrie while she and her family are away playing with Mickey and friends! Before I start to ramble, I want to convey just how privileged I feel to be a guest blogger for Lorrie and Our Name is Mud! Given a choice, I would rather blog for Lorrie than meet Johnny Depp! (Yes, that is the truth. Give me a lie detector test and I’ll prove it!). So, without further adieu, here is my first guest blog for Goddess Veasey, and of course it has to do with my arch enemy, food….with today’s topic being breakfast.

Cracked, 100% whole wheat bread, toasted: GOOOOOD!

Coffee in a Genius mug made by the Princess of Pottery: EXCEEEELLLENT!

Tons of Peanut Butter: BAAAAAAAD!

Yes, this is supposed to be my version of a healthy breakfast! Coffee with Equal and fat free Half & Half (because we have to save those calories!). The mug of course makes my coffee taste a million times better! And then there is the EVIL of all evil, peanut butter. Although I usually go chunky dunking, a.k.a. chunky peanut butter, I was in such a hurry in the store yesterday that I grabbed creamy instead. When I noticed it when I got home, I said to myself “well, at least I will save a few calories without the peanuts”… yeah, right!

According to the jar of peanut butter, a measly 2 tbsp. of this creamy temptation equates to 190 calories and 17g fat. While I am happy with the carbs (6g), and protein (7g), the rest just makes me shutter! Ugh!

I have absolutely no idea how much peanut butter I put on my toast this morning. I just took the knife and dug deep into the world of creaminess and slathered it on nice and thick. Yum! And I sit here and wonder why my elastic waist lines seem to expand gradually!

Could I live without peanut butter? Probably. Do I want to? No way! The problem is that I have absolutely NO self control with it, especially when it is wrapped in chocolate. And don’t even get me started on that! I think a majority of Reese’s and Gertrude Hawk profits come from my pocket! Oh those wretched little peanut butter smidgens!!

But lets face reality here people…

Tons of peanut butter: GOOOOOOD!!
Lorrie – if you happen to see Peter Pan flying around Disney anywhere, give him my warmest regards!!

AND We'rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre Offffffffffff

We head for the Sunshine State today. Kip wants me to mention that we're leaving the usual methods of protection in place at Chez Veasey: two headed dogs, nests of cobras, huge boulders that chase you down hallways-you get the picture.

That well researched Itinerary I swore I would create is now a few scrawled notes on the back of an envelope. Expectations for careful and concise packing went up in smoke as I ran through the apartment at 1 a.m. this morning on a QUEST FOR FLIP FLOPS. And don't even ask about the carry ons--I'm throwing a pack of cheetos and a PEOPLE magazine in the kid's backpack and we're hitting the road.

Neither child of mine is completely well and things have piled up at work BUT COME HELL OR HIGH WATER WE WILL HAVE FUN. Pray for Us.

In my absence, I am going to have GUEST BLOGGERS! Hopefully all 3 of my readers will make a posting! If you would like to be included as a guest blogger-simply send the blog to me at LVMud@aol.com If you'd like to include a picture, please send it in a separate email.

I asked Christine-President of the Our Name Is Blog fanclub-- to do this-and in the 2 years I have been writing this blog this is the first time I have ever gotten such a response to a request to guest post:


OMG!! YES! YES! YES!!! I would LOVE to! I am completely at your beck and call! My schedule is wide open! J

This is just such an honor! This is WAY better than meeting the Queen of England!! WOW!! I am at a total loss for words!

Christine J


I have never met Christine but something makes me sure I would like her. WATCH AND LEARN PEOPLE.

Flemville

Flemville: just to the left of fluville. Life here pretty much sucks eggs. Our entire living room is one giant aerobed. Used tissues, emergency throw up receptacles, and stiff washcloths litter the rug. Spongebob is on 24 hour watch-and a cherry popsicle is what's for dinner tonight.

One of these days I may have to do HARD TIME for truency. In New York City, a child is allowed to miss 18 days of school before they THROW THE PARENTS IN PRISON. Jesse missed 27 days of Pre-K due to my "IT DOESN'T MATTER-IT'S JUST PRE-K" mentality which so easily translated into "IT DOESN'T MATTER IT'S JUST KINDERGARTEN" and has grown to become "IT DOESN'T MATTER--IT'S JUST SCHOOL!!" (Note to Aron: the views expressed here are not necessarily the views of the PTA. The PTA and its members accept no responsibility for the statements made here in this blog nor shall such statements reflect upon the views and opinions held by members of the PTA...The board members of the PTA are fine upstanding citizens who can do no wrong and will never appear in an expose in the NY Times...OKAY ALREADY?)

So here is what happens... We schedule an "unauthorized family vacation" because Kip and I firmly believe that a trip to Disneyland is EDUCATIONAL and therefore worthwhile. We believe in exposing our children to History! Fairies! Rampant Capitalism! Riding the Roaring Rapids is a LIFE EXPERIENCE that you can't get from a book. A tour of Epcot is better than any social studies class. Tink is our greatest teacher.

I don't know what higher power this upsets; most likely one that listens to NPR and only lets their kids eat organic food. But each time we have done this: hording and saving our absences throughout the year ("you'll go in, say 'here', throw up in the waste basket and we're good...") karma has bitten us in the butt with a MAJOR ILLNESS prior to the scheduled trip. Last year it was coxacie (damn the spelling) that kept Jesse out for SIX DAYS before our 4 day getaway to the Contemporary Hotel. THAT WAS SEPTEMBER. I'm lucky I didn't end up in an orange jumpsuit. Now Jesse has gotten the flu that we swore we were going to get the shot for but never quite got around to getting--and as his fever rages 102, 103 and birthday parties get cancelled and absences acrue, I shake my fist at the skies and say "COME HELL OR HIGHWATER WE WILL BE RIDING THE PETER PAN RIDE SATURDAY MORNING NO MATTER WHAT."

Spring Ahead

Dear Powers That Be,

I am writing to officially protest against DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME. If this letter is not 100% coherent it is because I AM TIRED. I knew when I woke up at 6 am this morning that it was REALLY 5 AM. And it was dark. I mean pitch black. So my question to you is: where is the daylight I am supposed to be saving? Because personally: I SLEEP AT NIGHT SO I DON'T GIVE A HOOT ABOUT AN EXTRA HOUR IN THE EVENING. And have you ever tried to put children to sleep while it is light outside?

Sure, sure, I LOVE it when it's October and I am putting the kids to bed at 8 (knowing it is really 9) and sleeping until what I know is seven o'clock even if the clock reads six. So I propose we go THAT way-twice a year. Works for me. Daylight is way over-rated anyway. That's why tanning salons were invented.

Respectfully,
Tired Mom.

Dear Tired Mom-

We would respond to your Email, but we are currently really busy with the Governor of your fine state. He didn't have a great day today, either. We have forwarded your complaint to a Higher Power.

Kindest Regards,
Powers That Be


Dear Higher Power,

Ok-now I am seriously pissed. We were late for school, I had a crappy day at work, and neither of my children wanted dinner at 6 pm BECAUSE THEIR BODIES KNEW IT WAS ONLY FIVE. Everything is totally discombobulated and I don't do well with change. Let me make myself totally clear: THIS SUCKS. Nothing could be worse than this day!

Please respond asap.
Really Freeking Tired Mom


Dear RFTMom,

I have been busy with the whole Governor of New York thing, but did want to stop for a moment and respond to your Email. The stomach flu we sent your child's way is of the 24 hour variety, the repetitive vomiting usually ceases after the seventh hour. Of course, given the time change--it will feel like eight.

All the Best,
HP

The Blog that Never Was

Some topics are just best not blogged about.
P.S. HI DAD

I've Got Friends in Low Places

Behold David Kramer.

You may know him as a WORLD FAMOUS ARTIST. We like to think of him as THE GUY WHO GOT LUCKY ENOUGH TO MARRY SUSAN MITCHELL (Who by the way...is in the Whitney Bi-Annual tomorrow night! Imagine that! Little Susie Mitchell at the WHITNEY! Ummm...what was I writing about again? O yeah...David.)

Behold David Kramer yet again. We also know him as THE GUY WE GET DRUNK WITH QUITE A LOT.

You can get to know him too!! David will be featured on tonight's episode of THE APPRENTICE (That's Celebrity Apprentice!) tonight at 9:00 EST. A team of celebrities will attempt to sell a gallery full of his fabulous artwork. This should have been as easy as selling crack to some of David's former friends--but alas, his team included that dreadful Omarosa--so if this turns out to be THE WORST SLAUGHTER IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF THE APPRENTICE I am just saying it is no fault of the artist--whose work is really great. So when the show is over, if you have a few grand laying around, I think you should buy a painting, or two. Daddy needs a new six pack.

Telling The Tooth

I have given birth to two children. Childbirth was PLEASURABLE compared to what I have endured in terms of having two teeth crowned. This is my dentist. I like to call him The King of Pain. He is a sneaky little bugger. Just this morning, during yet another two hour appointment that involved doing horrible things to my gums and sticking plastic goop filled molds into my mouth, he managed to surprise me mid sentence by sticking what appeared to be a caulk gun into my mouth and getting an impression of how my teeth clicked together while avoiding the complaining and fretting over the procedure which would have occurred if he had said: "Now open your mouth so I can stick this caulk gun into it."

Poor Deprived Children

In New York, sledding has always meant that we bundle up, hop onto an expensive piece of plastic and Mom and Dad PULL YOU AROUND AN EMPTY PARKING LOT. Yipee! This has been Jesse's version of Winter Sports for the past SEVEN YEARS.

This weekend we found ourselves IN THE COUNTRY (wayyyyyyyyyy out in the sticks in a little place on the map called Connecticutt.) And in the Great Wilderness that is Hartford-we found these things called HILLS. Apparently they are like these things called Mountains, only smaller--about the size of a Korean Deli actually, if it is a landmark building and the city has not let someone build thirteen stories on top of it... But I digress.

We put the children into snowsuits that were two sizes too small for them ( very short clothing season here in The cit-ay--you can buy snowsuits in September and in two weeks the selection at stores has gone to cruisewear and usually i count on my Sister in Law, Sigy, to send me her boy's cast offs but once they crossed age 9 she has let them run around in windbreakers all year long BUT I DIGRESS AGAIN). We covered the four inches of skin visible over the tops of Jesse's boots with a pair of Kip's socks and we were off!

Here is the DOWN SIDE to sledding in the country on these things called Hills. Someone has to carry that sled BACK UP THE HILL. Thankfully, God invented Fathers for that purpose.

YOUR child

Walking Home From FAMILY FRIDAY This Morning

KIP: Why does Jesse do That Thing at the end of every presentation for parents?
ME: What thing?
KIP: That semi-epileptic fit thing.
ME: You mean where he flails his arms, makes weird facial expressions and takes 20 bows?
KIP: Yes, That Thing.
ME: I don't know. Maybe he takes after his father and is a Relentless Attention Seeker.
KIP: Or maybe he just likes to mimic his mother after a shot of tequila.

Spoiler

I was recently reading an article about how many of today's parents do everything they can to shield their child from life's natural disappointments. Then I Came to My Senses and re-read last month's issue of PEOPLE, which made me feel much better since I AM NOT LYNN SPEARS.

I am an INDULGENT PARENT. I know this, I accept this, and I spoil my children even MORE in an effort to MAKE UP FOR IT.

The other day Annie greeted me at the door sobbing. It seems that during school, she had been chatting instead of listening during a very Important game of Pre K Bingo, and as a result the entire class was given cupcakes while she was not.

Well this just CHAFFED MY ASS. In my mind, the punishment for not listening during Bingo should be....NOT WINNING BINGO. She is 4. Withholding sugar from a 4 year old is like telling someone like me that the liquor store is closed: IT'S JUST NOT FAIR. And so I did what any self respecting parent who wants their child to learn a lesson does: I offered to buy her CASES OF CUPCAKES. But that didn't stop the tears, the sniffles, the PAIN, THE AGONY, and she only settled down after I agreed to buy her a car. And of course--Talk To The Teacher.

I marched into school with her hand in hand the next day, prepared to tell her teacher What's What and How Dare You Not Give My Baby Girl A Cupcake and What's The Big Deal About Listening In School Anyway. The teacher met us at the door. I could tell she had powered up her light saber and her phasers were set to stun. We both took 10 paces backwards.

"Life is HARD" were the first words she said--spoken to Annie but directed at me; "It is HARD, sometimes you will be DISAPPOINTED." I ducked, faked left--the words "Cupcake Police" poised on the tip of my tongue. Then she got down at Annie's level, took her by the arms and said "But TODAY...TODAY you will EARN a cupcake. I know that Today you will be a really great listener, and will be having a cupcake this afternoon."

At this, Annie had an epiphany of sorts; "IS TODAY TOMORROW???" She asked--as if she COULD NOT BELIEVE THAT THIS BRAND NEW SPANKING DAY WAS FULL OF HOPE AND THE POSSIBILITY OF PINK FROSTING. And she put her tiny hand into the hand of the teacher and they went into the classroom together, into the realm of endless possibilities and what could turn out to be a Really Great Day.

Random Thoughts for a Wednesday

Many of you have asked how I balance a demanding position with a Ginormous company and mothering two small children. One of the ways I do it is by making REALLY SMART CHOICES; like becoming President of the PTA. Because if you just keep piling the stress on, at some point it Holds You Together. I'm sure a good pair of Spanx would do the same thing, but I like to think I am a solid bundle of contracted nerves...with the occasional jiggle.

This morning I had a PTA meeting which means I spend about 40 minutes trying everything on in my closet in an effort to find THE MAGICAL OUTFIT THAT WILL MAKE ME APPEAR LIKE I AM NOT FAT. I keep thinking I have found it everytime I visit Talbots-but in the harsh light of the morning before speaking in front of a group of people, it appears that: NO I HAVE NOT.

I don't blog about the PTA because 1) many of my secret readers are members (Hi Susan! Hi Robin!) and also because 2) if I told you what Really went on, I would have to kill you. So while the story of the bi-polar mom who HECKLED ME LIKE I WAS DOING STANDUP AT CAROLINES would have made a really great blog.....I must move on.

Annie has named all of her stuffed animals. Which is cute, but problematic when she says things to me like: "Where is Kapooch? Please bring me Kapooch." And when I hold up the stuffed penguin and she says "KAPOOCH DAMN YOU MOTHER I SAID KAPOOCH, KAPOOOOOOOOOCH, KAPOOOOOOOOOCH" the only thing I can do is frantically paw through hundreds of beanie babies wondering if Kapooch could be the pink poodle or the silver terrier or the "chi-wow-wa." It gets even harder when she asks me to bring her BOB.

Annie has also taken to watching Boomerang in Spanish for half and hour before bed. Boomerang is a cartoon network that plays retro toons; Flintstones, Jetsons, Tom & Jerry, Scooby Doo. The problem is that she asks me to sit beside her and WATCH WITH ME MOMMY which would be hard enough in English, but when you are listening to Yogi Bear hablo with his amigos, it is almost unbearable. Maybe I am just not smarter than the average bear. I knew I should not have taken French. It's not even helpful when Pepe Le Peu is on BECAUSE SHE IS WATCHING IT IN SPANISH.

Pawing through the stuffed dogs, finding Yogi unbearable: I guess blondes really do have more puns.

The Breast of Times

Also: please go to hungersite.com to click for free mamogrammies for everyone.

Resting In Peace

Actual conversation at our house this morning.

Two children tussle over a wii console.

JESSE: MOM! Annie just ruined my game!
ANNIE: I did not!
JESSE: She clicked on HOME in the middle of my game Mom! I AM NEVER PLAYING WITH YOU AGAIN ANNIE.
ANNIE: I'm sorry. (pause) Do you still love me Jesse?
(Long uncomfortable pause in which I realize I should probably step in)

ME: OF COURSE your brother still loves you Annie-he will ALWAYS love you--that's what sisters and brothers do. THEY LOVE EACH OTHER FOREVER, no matter what. They are your family. In fact--one day when we get very old-Mommy and Daddy will die, but it will be ok because you will still have each other.

ANNIE: And we'll be able to do WHATEVER we want! (Jumps excitedly on couch)
JESSE: Can I have your room then, Mom?

Home again Home again Jiggetty Jig

Because every household needs Mrs. O Leary's cow bell.

OFF TO CHICAGO

Kip says not to let you know that I will be away until Friday,
or to tell you my flight number,
or to cartoon my street address
and let you know when my children will be vulnerable,
as well as inform you of the location
of my good jewelry and
my family silver.

HOWEVER, he says, if you want the cat-
he's here at the offices.
He will make you a good pet
if you don't mind that he scratches the heck
out of any piece of furniture you own,
is a cat nip addict and will meow for hours,
and likes to sleep on a computer keyboard.
His name is Lenny
and if you steal him
we really won't be mad.

More REAL Mail

Got this Email this morning:
The following message was sent from ournameismud.com by Emanuele:
Hi i'm italian boy ,can i have the cup with the picture where there's written PRINCESS??

Dear Emanuele,
I don't know about Italy, but here in Chelsea you MOST CERTAINLY CAN--although I have a few friends who do prefer the word 'Queen." Would you like that in pink?
Ciao
Lorrie

We've Got Mail

It's time to roll out the old mailbag at OUR NAME IS MUD.

This month's theme seems to be SHAMELESS BEGGING. Witness the following REAL Email from JL:

Hello,
i'm desperately seeking your "Feline Groovy" cat platter (the one with all the lavendar paisleys on it)...here's the story...YES i know it's been discontinued however i would call just about anywhere and do just about anything to REPLACE mine....my 12 year old daugther bought that for me 2 years ago for my birthday...it's one of my FAVORITE things on this earth!....NOT ONLY because she picked it out and bought it for me but ALSO because it's just one of the DAMN COOLEST and FUNNIEST things i own (right up there with my "Poodle with a Mohawk" poster).... the other day a friend ran into the wall on which it hung right in the center of my diningroom and broke mine....i have spent AT LEAST 18 hours the last 3 days trying to find it ANYWHERE ....from ebay to phoning all the stores i could find that carry the original "our name is mud" pieces.... i'm not rich, i'm on social security disability after a wonderful life as a college professor...and my daughter and i decorate our house with things that make us laugh and smile every time we see them to keep our spirits up... i am DESPERATE to replace this WONDERFUL and SO HIGHLY ADORED platter!!!! do you have ANY suggestions or ANY help for me???..
my daughter is chipping in her ENTIRE piggy bank to help me replace this funny wonderful piece in our home...
can you help?
thank you SO much for your time and consideration!
i am SO hoping to hear from you!!!
(Name withheld because despite what most people say i am a nice person)


I get an Email like this Every Week. Last week, someone's son accidentally broke a dog bowl and DID NOT SLEEP FOR THREE DAYS because they could not find a replacement. Everyone who writes me USES CAPITAL LETTERS SO I KNOW HOW VERY VERY URGENT IT IS.

What most people don't realize is that when they write me Emails like this: I OBSESS ABOUT THEM! THE GUILT!! THE ANGST!! THE SORROW!! Good Lord, God gave me some minimal talent and I am going to use it to make you folks happy. Except now I have a Boss. And Deadines. But forget about that...someone is DESPERATE FOR POTTERY! I MUST HEED THE CALL.

On the one hand: I am so Blessed, because even though they don't Comment On My Blog--MUD does have some true die hard fans who, for example, hang their pottery on the wall instead of using it. On the other hand, I do sometimes wish people saw the Ephemeral Nature of My Work. Don't they realize that breaking pots is part of the whole Cosmic Deal: Otherwise, WHAT WILL THOSE ARCHEOLOGISTS DIG UP? Those guys love SHARDS.

If you are wondering what I do when i get an email like this--here's the truth--I usually make the item for the person, especially when children are involved. Unless they don't say PLEASE. Pottery Breakers who don't use the Magic Word get a Whole Lot of Nothin. This is not the "Returns Dept." of Lands End, ya know.

Fashion with Annie

At least her tootsies are extra warm.

This is a TRUE story

My Hands were Raw.

Happy Valentines Day 2008

LOVE TO ALL!

Angels in the Snow

We took the children
to the park
to play by moonlight
in the newly
fallen snow
Crunching through
the layers
in pink fur lined boots
Annie asks
"What makes the snow
sparkle Mommy?"
She reaches down to
try to capture
the flecks of silver
in a handful of ice.
I tell her:
"The Angels were making
art,
then God cleared off the table:
Everyone likes glitter
Until you are the one
who has to clean it up."

What's on my TO DO List Today

Such Betrayal

I can paint a Rainbow

I thought briefly about naming my children Sienna and Teal

What is Really Happening in the Corner Office?

Most of the time I can't open it anyway.

Public Service Announcement

There is no Celebrity Rehab for unknown designers

The Fabulous Life of a Designer

I have pressure just like you.

I Also Cannot Create a Resin Santa

Moment of Total Self Doubt. Always happens when the design deadline is just days away.

Jesse's Arm

I've gotten a lot of Email asking how Jesse's arm is doing since THE THIRD SURGERY. The answer is; much better, thanks. He can do many things, including type on a keyboard. Unfortunately, he still cannot turn his arm over-which rules out dancing the Macarena and playing golf. He is going to make some lucky lady a FINE HUSBAND one day.

We went for another doctor's appointment and found that he had some free floating calcium deposits in the elbow despite every bargain I tried to make with the Man Upstairs. The Good News is that these do not appear to be bone spurs, so until we get word that they have attached themselves to the radius, no more surgery for now.

The doctor did say Jesse would have to "Go back into the brace." Which was news to us, as HE HAD NEVER HAD A BRACE IN THE FIRST PLACE. Might have been a little medical "oops" there, but we did not pursue it--being all wrapped up in gratitude in the words "Not Yet" which were given in response to "Does He Need Another Surgery?"

So Brace Guy came in and fit Jesse for a custom made cast like thing which will slowly rotate the arm and also attract a lot of attention from the chicks at the same time. Life is Good.

More New Product

I would tell you a really funny story about the inspiration for this frame.........ummmmm............ummmmmm.......shoot, what was it now?

New Product

Personally, I'm not big on desk clutter. It might be that I don't have a lot of room for it on my own desk--what with the jars of peanut butter, empty yogurt cups and dirty spoons. But I am a fan of personal expression at the workplace-so I made these desk signs for like minded people. When we first printed the Enesco version of our catalog, they labeled the picture Desk "Plagues" which of course hurt their initial sales--the average person not wanting to place a little Bubonic beside their Mac.

I myself have several signs in my office including the "Work With Me People" pictured here. My others are:

Go To Your Studio and Make Stuff.

No Matter How Hard You Try You Can't Baptize Cats.

Easy to Please....Sometimes

and

Nobody Likes A Smartass.