From my iphone

We are in a cabin in the backwoods of new Hampshire on day two of what looks like will be four days of rain. Sexuhusbandomine has the stomach flu and I do not know how to drive and cannot get to the walmart I know must be around here in order to buy food. The Mosquitos are as big as bumblebees and are attacking the children. More later if my phone battery doesn't die.

I WouLDN'T MiND HiS LiPS oN Me

Happy Monday Chickens!

One of my mugs makes a huge guest appearance on this segment of Craig Ferguson. Our part starts at 2:12.



I will be on vacation this week. Who wants to guest blog? Let me know what your subject would be in the comments below.

BRiNGiNG HoMe THe BaCoN

Banana LOVES Bacon. She wants to grow up and marry bacon, and have little sausage links. Bananna will be turning the Big Six in September, and I have already started shopping for her birthday-because you know how hard it is to buy for little girls. Especially little girls who like Meat Candy.

I headed right for the search engine at ETSY. First, I bought her this fabulous Happy Bacon Necklace

For only Eight Bucks at a great etsy shop called sacredflesh.. It is all kinds of awesome, given that bacon is one of the most BEAUTIFUL THINGS ON EARTH. And of course, if you're gonna have the necklace, you gotta have this bacon bracelet...it's to fry for.

This is from a little shop called Diffraction. which is full of great photographic jewelry and prints. The bacon looks so real it will make your mouth water, imagine the sound of it frying which sounds oddly like applause...YAY BACON.
Then I got her something warm and delicious to sleep with at night....

From a funtastic store called Larksmoon. This item is awesome--a substantial piece of plush bacon--and that's great because you know how in real life, you fry up a pound of the stuff and end up with a bookmark.

That's what I have purchased for her so far--very crispy, dontcha think? Here are other items I am considering:
Here are some Bacon Magnets

$4.99 at DesignDude.

How about wrapping yourself in some bacon? It's what chefs do to make other foods taste better, after all. It's not like we would gobble down waterchestnuts without it.

$29.95 at PoorCollegeStudent.

A piece of POCKET BACON. Don't leave home without it.

A Bargain at $3.50 from a shop called Spidercamp
How about some bacon and egg soap?

A good way to get clean if you sweat like a pig--Only $5.50 from LoveLeeSoaps
Dress up your pig pen with some bacon wall art

$40.00 from beepart
And finally-this little pin

Just $1.75 fom sweetmeats.

Vert tasteful. dontcha think? You know the thing about bacon is...after you have it you just want MORE BACON. I'm off to find a breakfast buffet.....

A DaY iN My LiFe

A Typical Day in the Glamorous Life of Mrs. Veasey



- Wake up at 7 am: possibly not in my own bed, next to a male who is not my husband. Flashback to the eighties, then realize it is because ComplicatedBoy had another bad dream. Sexyhusbandomine is bright eyed and bushy tailed after going for a run at 6 am. I make him work a full 15 minutes at Getting Me out of Bed.

- Have the first of what are usually 10-12 cups of tea during the course of the day. Because CAFFEINE IS CREATIVE LIGHTER FLUID.

- Won't bore you with the sordid details of getting CBoy and Banana ready for camp except to say that if I ever won the lottery the first thing I would buy is a place with TWO FULL BATHROOMS. Sexyhusbandomine packs the lunches. I am in charge of the MOST IMPORTANT THING in the lunch: The Note. Which creatively, is SUCKING ME DRY. How many different ways can you write: "I hope you are having a good day at camp, I love you, see you later?" NEED MORE LIGHTER FLUID.


- Make it to the bus stop by 8 am, largely because Sexyhusbandomine drives the family out the door like he's competing in a dog sled race. Say a prayer to the Gods of Car Sickness that Banana won't throw up, and that if she does, she will be able to fit her head into the 2 gallon zip lock baggie provided for that purpose. Last week was Mythical Creatures Day, and she went dressed as a fairy, and must have been a sight puking all over the sidewalk in her purple wings and tutu, holding her wand up in the air.

- Work: Dance, Monkey, Dance. By the way: Artists Make Terrible Slaves. I kid. Sorta.

- Pick the children up at the bus stop, which is conveniently located next to a fruit stand. The man who owns the stand missed his calling selling crack. He had my children hooked on free mangos the very first day. Now every afternoon we're shelling out hard earned money for exotic treats like white cherries and plumots.

- Go home and begin THE PILES OF HOMEWORK that have been assigned for the summer by sadistic teachers who are laughing into their umbrella drinks as they think of us struggling to get CBoy to begin work on His Novel-which is just ONE of numerous assignments which include finding a cure for cancer and building your own computer.




CBoy is re-writing Peter Pan. His version (AND I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP) features Wendy from the Burger Chain, Michael Jackson, and John McCain. I think he's got a future at MAD magazine.

- Dinner cooked by Sexyhusbandomine. Whatever it is, it usually tastes like chicken.

- A rousing Game of UNO, anyone?


- Bath, Books , Bed. I am going to gloss over this part too, as some of you might be reading this at work.

- So many choices-so little free time. Conversation? Computer? Collages? Probably TV. Cause nothing makes you feel like you're doing something valuable with your life like getting sucked into some reality programming on VH1 or Bravo.

And this people, is why blogging has been so sporadic as of late. So please write your own notes in your own lunches, chickens, mama's tired.

HaVe SoMe LauNCH

Happy Friday, Chickens.

I realize I didn't finish showing you highlights of my June launch for OUR NAME IS MUD, and since there have not been any Blog-Worthy moments at Chez Veasey this week, it's a good time to score brownie points with my boss show you some more introductions.

First up- I designed some COIN PURSES. These are large enough to hold a credit card and a small container of mace. Some are for "Pet Lovers":

And then another set is for Shpaholics.


I also made some new products for the office, including these desk pads.

and


I also published my first book and made my first stuffed animal!!

It's a book and plush combo.


And the last thing I have to share is this little guy--perfect for any blogger you know.


This is a great way to make a friend feel loved next Valentines Day. Totally. Completely. Obsessively.

Those are the highlights! Coming in the fall to a fine retailer near you.

GaY PaReeee

The words we used as children to hurt each other on the playground have not really changed much since the days when I wore braids. Just yesterday, ComplicatedBoy came home upset from a day at camp because another child had called him GAY all day.

Cboy thought this was meant as an Insult, even though CBoy doesn't think there is anything wrong with being Gay.

Cboy has two special Godmothers: one named Robert, and one named Ed. CBoy knows that Uncle Robert loves Uncle Ed because they nag each other in the Exact Same Way Sexyhusbandomine and I do. Because nothing says True Love like criticizing the way someone does the housework.

We have discussed how we think Uncle Robert and Uncle Ed should be allowed to get married so that they can be miserable like the rest of us can have the same rights and privileges that other couples do. Cboy knows that sometimes men can fall in love with other men, women can fall in love with other women, and skunks with french accents can fall in love with cats.

But I had left out CRUCIAL information in prior discussions with my spawn. Yesterday I broke the news.

"Did you know GAY can also mean HAPPY?" I asked. He screeched to a halt in the middle of the sidewalk and his jaw dropped. "Really," I went on to say, "Many people use the expression: Happy and Gay. It means Joyful."

Cboy shook his head In Wonder. Who knew that Gay could mean anything but a shared love of Liza Minelli and meticulous grooming?

I probably should tell him that there are two meanings for the word GLAAD at some point, too.

Six Posts Away

Happy Tuesday Chickens!

This is post 494. In six posts, I will hit the big 5-oh-oh. What shall we do to celebrate? Should we mark the occasion in some auspicious way or should I just have you send me presents?

In the comments section below, write your idea for how we should celebrate this blogging milestone on ONIBlog. The winning suggestion gets the plaque pictured above, from here.

And remember: if you think too much outside of the box, you could get stuck in a circle. So for gosh sakes, be careful.

UNPRooFiNG

The Spawn are now aged 8 and 5 ( FIVE AND THREE QUARTERS DON'T FORGET MOMMY) and it is time to reevaluate the measures of protection installed for their safety in the fortress that is Chez Veasey.

About seven months before the birth of Complicated Boy, I began the process of childproofing our apartment. I did as much of the work as I could myself: which meant I got rid of major threats like The Coffee Table and The Blinds With Cords. I forbade Sexyhusbandomine from keeping matches in the bathroom anymore.

Then I hired the guy who had childproofed Michael Douglas & Katherine Zeta Jone's house and paid him a small fortune to make my two bedroom completely safe. At the time I felt sure I had hired that VERY BEST childproofing company available in the city; knowing Katherine and Michael would go to great lengths to keep Their Spawn safe. This was, of course, about two months before the pictures were released of Katherine smoking Marlborough Reds while eight months preggers with child...but I digress.


Mr. Babyproofer to the Stars was THOROUGH. No corner was left unpadded, no cabinet or drawer left accessible. The man put a lock on pretty much EVERYTHING in my house, including the toilet and the fridge. Nothing makes a man feel the impending responsibilities of Fatherhood like locking up the Beer and The Can, let me tell you.

Side note: despite all these precautions, when ComplicatedBoy was two, he tripped on the bathroom mat, hit his chin against the edge of the bathtub and his tooth went through his lip. The Gods laughed at my locked toilet.

Flash forward lo these many years.....Much of the original childproofing remains unchanged. For example: every cabinet and drawer in the bathroom has a high tech lock that you must open using a magnet. This has worked out well when we have had guests so that no one can snoop in Sexyhusbandomine's medicine cabinet, which is filled with immodium, breath right strips, and jock itch spray. This has not worked out well if you run out of toilet paper and cannot get into the cabinet where it is stored, and have to go into the kitchen to find the magnet thingamajoggy with your pants around your ankles.

Well, it's a banner day at Casa De Veasey because I took a phillips screwdriver out and I removed all those suckers from my drawers and cabinets.

Later I may let The Spawn eat grapes that I have not cut in half.

BeDTiMe SToRY

I walked into the boudoire at Chez Veasey the other night, to find Sexyhusbandomine propped up amongst the pillows with a copy of LADIES HOME JOURNAL that I had picked up at some airport on previous travels.

Let me start by saying that SHOM does not usually read magazines before bed. He prefers to peruse his printed glossies in the powder room. Usually for A LONG TIME, when we are late or trying to go someplace.

He was previously reading snatches of THE SECRETbefore drifting off to LaLaLand, but ComplicatedBoy stole his bedside copy three days ago, convinced that it contained some Naughty Adult Secret.

But back to Sexyhusbandomine, flipping pages in the glow of our bedside lamp.

ME: What are you reading?
SHOM: Ladies Home Journal. It's actually pretty good.
ME; Oh yeah?
SHOM: Yeah. Like I just read about a former model who got Cushings Disease. It caused her to gain seventy pounds and sprout hair on her chin.
ME: Hmmm. I could have that. What are the symptoms?
SHOM: You gain 70 pounds and grow hair on your chin. (Awkward Pause) It goes on to say she dedicated her life to helping animals.
ME: What else did you read?
SHOM: Here's a woman in her 40s who lost 50 pounds. (Holds up magazine.) Hey-where are you going?
ME; I am signing you up for a subscription to Popular Mechanics.

YoU BeT YouR GlaSS

Happy Wednesday Chickens!

It is still Show Season, but in order to maintain my google analytics shamelessly promote myself prove to my bosses that blogging is a valid marketing tool entertain you, I will be posting many of my new introductions that will be shown in Dallas, Atlanta, Las Vegas, Philly, and New York. You get FIRST LOOK-these products will not be in stores until late Fall.

Recession? Bah. I spit on your recession. Go buy gifts, people. How about these new goblets?







in comments below, share your favorite wines--like Riunite on ice. Or Boones Strawberry. You can tell I have Klassy taste. I was also a fan of the Bartle and James wine cooler.

DeaTH oF A KiNG

Dear Spawn,

ABC as easy as 1,2,3 as simple as Do Re Mi, there are many lessons to be learned from the life and death of Mr. Michael Jackson:

I'M TALKING TO THE MAN IN THE MIRROR. You were given a face. It's a nice one. Please don't change it. I hope that you will grow up and learn to love yourself exactly the way that you are.

IT'S BLACK IT'S WHITE. Life doesn't have to be lived off the wall. Try to find the grey area--often you will find that's where happiness lives. Don't create drama for the sake of creating drama.

THAT GIRL IS MINE. Value true friendships over any amount of money. A business decision will not visit you when you are sick, or lift you up when you are sad. Do the right thing; your friends might be the WINGS above your wind.

CAUSE THIS IS THRILLER. Celebrities are people who have interesting jobs. The fact that they have interesting jobs does not make them good, smart, or decent human beings. Often celebrities are extremely damaged in every other area of their life. Admire and appreciate their talents, but know that they can be very flawed people with screwed up lives. Save your hero worship for yourself.

I'M BAD. One glove in the wintertime is NEVER stylish. Take care of your things.

THE WAY YOU MAKE ME FEEL. Listen to what my friends have to say in the comment section below.

Love, Mommy

WeT PaNTS & BeeR STeiNS

Hola Chickens.

The other day my friend BJ emailed me to ask if I was not blogging as often because I was knee deep in all things MUD. I told her I was knee deep in something of roughly the same color and consistency.

It's the start of my Trade Show Cycle which means blogging will be sporadic. The only reason I am writing this morning is that I have No Pants On. My pants, soaked through in a torrential rain storm in which I walked ten blocks carrying a broken Elmo umbrella, are laying as we speak on top of a kiln I fired last night that is currently at about 750 degrees. I am sitting at my desk, at work, wearing a beach towel.

Some of you will wonder why I did not just wear my wet pants and let them dry whilst on my body. I think I know you well enough to let you in on a little personal medical secret; I am ALLERGIC TO COLD. I have a condition known as Cold Urticaria and what it basically means is that if I get wet and cold, I develop huge welts that sting and burn like I'm on fire. So all rain is "acid rain" to me. I really should keep a change of clothing at the office, or invest in one of those Gorton Fisherman outfits.

And before you ask in comments: Yes, I Am, and they are pink with purple flowers, and say Thursday in script on the right hip. Because my Wonder Woman Underoos were in the wash.

So here is a preview of some of the BRAND NEW AND EXCITING STUFF I will be showing starting in Dallas next week (sorry Texas, not going--but Hello Atlanta-see you in two weeks). Today, I want to show you my BRAND NEW GLASS. Get a gander at these beer steins which will be coming to a fine retailer near you soon.





and finally


Now, let's go see if those pants are dry...

EXPLoiT YouR CHiLDReN WeLL

Yesterday was Sexyhusbandomine & my 13 Year Anniversary! I came home to what I thought would be a lovely anniversary card from Complicated Boy. Instead-I got this:


With the following contents which I have edited. That's right Chickens: I edited this communication FBI Alien Investigation style. So that when CBoy is laying on a couch talking to his therapist years from now, a simple Google search should reveal that I was not SUCH a bad mom. I may drink too much and feed them Chinese Take Out too many times a week, but my heart is in the right place:


And that little piece of poo sitting on top of the school building? Budding Artistic Genius. He got that from Me.


Perhaps I need to spend less time on the computer, and more time teaching CBoy the correct spelling of CRAPPY.

PoST # 486

Helllllllllllllllllloooooooooooooooooooooooo Chickkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnns.
That is me calling out from the ginormous hole I am in. And you know that the first thing you need to do when you find yourself deep in a hole is to STOP DIGGING.

And so here is a guest post by BJ from Don't Overthink It.:






I was recently told to read "Who Moved My Cheese" because apparently, I am again, behind the entire population of the reading industry. No, I had not read it, I know, what a 'reading' loser, but I have had 'thangs to do' and it had not magically appeared on my nightstand.

So, I have purchased and started reading it. But I keep thinking, I have plenty of cheese, who moved my Chardonnay? I am not one to complain, you may not agree when you realize who is writing this, but give me a break, I have had all of the major life situations happen to me in the last 10 months. Lets review:
1. Divorce
2. Death
3. Loss of job

Yup, thats me. And I still can write this blog without spell check or mascara. Woo Hoo! I tell my friends when they call to check on me that I am vertical and have makeup on, so I think that is a good day. If I can teach my daughter and anyone else, resilience, I am the poster child that will keep on keepin on.

Now, my BFF that I've never laid eyes on, someone that I have a picture of in my kitchen and may or may not recognize in a dark bar, said I could write a blog for her for five bucks and 700 words or less, is either really desperate or really busy with her mudd issues and needs another guest blogger. So since I'm a team player, and would like floor space when I show up unannounced at her door, I decided I would send her this note..........

Here's a quote from Who Moved My Cheese: read on, and please keep in mind we never know what any day will bring.

Life is no straight and easy corridor along
which we travel free and unhampered, but a maze of passages, through which
we must seek our way, lost and confused, now and again, checked in a blind alley.

But always, if we have faith, a door will open for us,
not perhaps one that we ourselves would ever have thought of,
but one that will ultimately,
prove good for us

I think I like that alot....

LYGitcheeGoomieGutsLorrie,
Bj

Please go give guestblogger BJ some love here. BJ is available to guest blog for a small fee, made payable to me. Because I am the Huggy Bear of Blogger.

ToP SeCReT BloG

TIPPY TOP SECRET UBER CONFIDENTIAL POST

The Sky Is Falling, Chickens.

I have heard on good authority that a huge meteorite is about to hit Earth, blasting our planet into smithereens. The government left weeks ago for a secret hide out on Mars, leaving lookalikes in their place (really--I know you noticed something seemed a little different about Obama lately.) Only people who read this blog are allowed to be in the know, so please keep this information to yourself.

You now have three choices in terms of reacting to the news above:

1. GO ON A RAMPAGE
Now that you know the rules of society are meaningless, you need not worry about punishment. Let loose and go sow some oats. Steal, fight, pillage and destroy. For many of you this will mean basically sticking to your routine but kicking it up a notch.

2. PREPARE FOR THE AFTERLIFE
Find the nearest church, temple, synagogue or mosque and give it your all in an attempt at last minute salvation. Buy the Cliff Notes for the Bible, the Koran, or a Martha Stewart Cookbook. Ask a Higher Power for Redemption. Note-this option is not compatible with Option Number One.

3. SIT IN FRONT OF YOUR TELEVISION
Stare at the screen in numbed disbelief. You may not even notice much change from everyday life.

THIS JUST IN: Scratch all of the above. Turns out it's just Monday.

Jane! Is In Da NeST

Guest Post by RETIRED (snort) BLOGGER Jane! Proof enough that blogging really is like the mafia.

Hidey ho, Mud-hens!


Chief chicken-keeper Lorrie, is off doing some very important, mother/wife/potter things today.

Okay, I actually have no clue what’s going on. I don’t ask questions, I just jump on the chance to freelance blog.

Emphasis on the FREE part so please remember that you get what you pay for.

No, no, don’t leave! She’ll be back and I’m sure she’ll be giving away something fabulous just for commenting on this post.

Okaynotreally, but stay with me anyway, ‘kay? I’m kind of nervous.

I’ve never done this before.

I am a guest blogging virgin.

Woops.

Is the word ‘virgin’ Nonnee approved? I promised Lorrie I'd behave.

I may also be a bit rusty because a while back I gave up blogging so I could catch up on some of the neglected pieces of my life - like cleaning out the glove and mitten tub and replacing my broken shoelaces. Oh and grocery shopping, because all things edible evaporate like cheap perfume at my house.

Now before you all start pushing and shoving your way onto the blogditching bus, I better tell you it hasn’t been ALL romp and frolic. I have actually learned some things.

Firstly, I discovered that our home has probably been robbed by a large band of one-handed thieves with cold hands.

Secondly, that shoelace manufacturers totally LIE to you about how many eyelets their product will accommodate. And let me tell you, Miss Snotty Shoe-Clerk, if I had the whole shoelace to measure for replacement, I wouldn’t NEED a replacement! I am completely capable of tying knots, but not in phantom laces.

Perhaps the hardest puzzle fo my pea brain to process has been how to determine the price of things I would like to buy. Well, not really LIKE to buy because I never really LIKE to spend my money, especially on things I buy, bring home and never see again. I think our freezer has a leak.

Even though I do numbers for a living, retail is seriously causing a tumor to grow over my good nature. I’ve put up with the 99-cent lie forever because I can understand that perhaps $16.99 may sound a whole lot cheaper than $17 to someone who, say, can’t count. Or think.

One of the reasons I used to adore my beloved Tarzsay was their plain pricing. Items were $2 or $17 or $156! Not $99.99! They didn’t try to mess with my head. But these days, although I still loves the Big Red Bullseye, I have to think they have let the freaky pricing wonks infiltrate their staff - excuse me, their team membership.

Not only does $2 peanut butter share an ad page with $1.99 deodorant, but now they are selling fart fiber bars for 2 for $5. Not $2.50 or even $2.49, but 2 for $5! I imagine this is their way of getting me to buy more than one box.

Two for $5! Well, of course I must by TWO!

And once I’m hooked, it’ll be 3 for $8! And not only will I buy THREE, but I probably won’t even notice that the price has gone up because the purchasing lobe in my brain and my bowels will no longer be my own!

Okay, then please explain why the lunch-thingables are going for $1.25 while the pimped-up ramen is selling 4 for $5? Is there a reason I shouldn’t buy more than one thingable? Is this a conspiracy? Are you saying I’m fat?!?!

That’s it, I bet! Only dry noodles for Ms. Mega-thighs in You-tah!

I wonder if GM has considered using this creative pricing thing to pull itself out of bankruptcy. They already tried the 99 method, which was not highly successful because, now tell me, when you dicker the price of a car, would you EVER say to the salesman 'I give you $24,999 for that F950'? No, you would probably just say ‘I give you $19 thou, my old Bronco and a date with my slutty sister if you toss in the gun rack’.

You wouldn’t? Oh.

Well, I think GM should try selling by the seat. For instance, instead of listing a Yukon for $39,999* they should advertise it at the low, low price of just $5137 per passenger*. Sounds like a better deal, huh? And the average car buyer probably doesn’t have enough fingers to figure out that that multiplies out to $41,056 for the 8-seater and suddenly we have an extra $1000 back in the bailout fund!

Sounds nothing but win/win to me.

I do have to hope that they don’t try the 3 for $100,000 thing because my family is going to need a new auto soon and there is NOT room for THREE in my driveway.

‘Cause, if they’re 3fer…. I have to buy 3…. right?



Peace, love, Mud!


*On approved credit, other restrictions may apply. See dealer for complete details on how to spend more than you can probably afford.

BBQ PLaTTeR WiNNeR aNNouNCeD

Better late than never, Chickens. I had REAL LIFE ACTUAL photos of our REAL LIFE ACTUAL crossing guard, but after thinking about posting them on this blog feared a REAL LIFE ACTUAL law suit...so use those imaginations of yours.

The winner of the BBQ platter is...

SWEET CUDDLE CAKES!

YAY!

Here's a consolation price for you Chickens! The lovely & amazing Jane!has agreed to guest blog for me: look for her post tomorrow.

MoNDaY GiVeaWaY: DaD'S BBQ

Happy Monday, Chickens! Before Nine AM this morning I purchased snack for the Kindergarten, met about the budget for the Fall Festival, Organized 100 gifts for the Teacher Appreciation Luncheon, and designed a yearbook ad. But of course, that was the easy stuff, and now I am at work. Later this evening I hope to focus on solving World Hunger and drafting a plan for Peace in the Middle East, and also maybe clean my bathroom..so forgive me for not entertaining you with a proper blog post.


Here's today's MUD giveaway! A BBQ platter that reads : My Dad Can Cook Better Than Your Dad. This is, of course, a revsion of the "My Dad Has Better Tattoos than Your Dad and Can Drink your Dad Under the Table and Later Kick Your Dad's Ass" platter that was rejected by corporate for some reason.

Enter a comment below to win. One entry per person. Tell me what YOU are doing this monday. Winner drawn at random by the Crossing Guard who works on 21st street on Wednesday morning.

SeeMS To Be THe HaRDeST WoRD....

Because I am passive aggressive by nature a lover of formality, I sometimes resolve the occasional sibling battle at Chez Veasey by requesting that a Written Peace Treaty be drawn up by the warring factions.

After a particularly bad altercation between The Banana and Complicated Boy, I had them write notes of apology to each other.

Annie starts off by naming the parties involved. Here she is:


And here is her brother:


Here is her heartfelt apology:


I mean, REALLY REALLY REALLY Heartfelt apology:


Don't ever doubt The Banana's Sincerity:


And what does CBoy reply with? In typical male fashion....


Because nothing says "I'm sorry" like a partial band aid taped to a sheet of paper.
But I am glad that SOME PROOF exists that the two of them are related. I was there for the whole birth thing, and even so, sometimes I wonder....