GeRM WaRFaRe

So two weeks ago, The Banana officially had Swine Flu, and ComplicatedBoy bravely battled Regular Plain Old Flu. Which means that this week, the featured disease at Chez Veasey is STOMACH FLU. I am not going to bore you Chickens with tales of vomit and high fevers.
No- I am going to let you know a Really Big Secret:

I am not sick.

Why am I not sick?

BECAUSE FAT FIGHTS VIRUSES.

It's absolutely true. Because this random internet article that I half read says it is.

So what I am proposing is that we have Less Vaccinations and More Ben & Jerry's this winter.

Pile it on People. Your first defense against Swine is eating like a pig.

HaPPY BiRTHDaY Sexy Husband O Mine!

What do you get a man like Sexyhusband O Mine that has EVERYTHING?

Well if you are lazy creative like me, you let your CHILDREN pick out his birthday gift. And so after an hour of shopping in the finest drugstores and discount outlets retail locations, The Banana found THE PERFECT gift for The King of Chez Veasey...




As Banana explained to me: "This is a revolutionary appliance! You can pour, flip and fill to make an endless variety of gourmet pancakes!" Except it kind of sounded like "Get this Mommy 'cause I saw it on TV and can I have some gum?"

Happy Birthday to my better half. I lerves you more than chocolate cream filled gourmet pancakes. Please make me some.

HaLLoWeeN WaS HaPPY

I know I am tardy to the pardy, and that most of you have already begun to dig your artificial trees out of storage and deck your halls, but what kind of a Mommy Blogger would I be if I did not share memories of Halloween 2009 with all my chickens?

Here is The Banana as Little Red Riding Hood.


Here is ComplicatedBoy as a Scary Jester


And here is a very funny blog post (thanks ZDub.)

RoCK aND RoLL aLL NiGHT

You know what's really scary about Halloween? When your ADHD child announces two hours before a party that he wants you to MAKE him a Jango Fett costume:


And you say, "No honey, I'm sorry- I can't make Jango Fett. But wouldn't it be REALLY REALLY COOL if you were..."


And after he asks if you have LOST YOUR MIND, you realize there is no shortage of cardboard boxes so you suggest


And so you talk to him from the other side of the bedroom door where he lays sobbing because there is NO WAY that little brown haired girl is going to look twice at him if he goes to the party wearing his dad's dirty underwear on his head and you suggest


or


And you cannot agree on anything, and any hope of impressing the little brown haired girl and entering the costume contest seems lost..
When your daughter suddenly appears dressed as Hannah Montanna

and Jiminey Crickets you have an IDEA that you can both agree on!

And a quick trip to Kmart for some black leggings and a tank top, a look through your jewelry box where miraculously you find that every rubber bracelet you kept from 1980 is still there, a little cutting action on a tablecloth, some facepaint and VOILA


I was made for lovin you baby and you were made for lovin me. And he won the trophy. I Rock.

RoCK o LoVe

So I am walking along the street yesterday, lost in thought, pushing one of those smallish shopping carts (which is how busy New York Moms get their grocery shopping done on the way home from work) when it starts to dawn on me that the avenue appears to be deserted. I look to my right--NO ONE. I look to my left--NO ONE. Wait....except for Brett Michaels from the band Poison and VH1 Reality show fame, walking down the street beside me about an arm's length away. Looking very tan, wearing a white cowboy hat and signature bandanna and some low slung bell bottom jeans. We finish walking the deserted block together and as we approach the end of it I realize that I am walking straight into a large group of camera people and young interns with laminated badges around their necks. One approaches me with a clipboard and asks me to sign a release. It seems that I somehow got past the three Assistant Directors they had stationed a block back, and that I will now be appearing in the show that they are filming. I look down at the release, and realize that the young girl with the walkie talkie has filled the form in above my signature and she has written: MIDDLE AGED WOMAN WITH SHOPPING CART.



I Could. Not. Be. Prouder.

Who knows--perhaps I'll do a cameo on Charm School in the future.


P.S. Another Kreg sighting!! This one in Boston! From Scrappin Jenny

A PeRFeCT StoRM

Hello Chickens. Let me first state for the record that I am typing this on a keyboard that was recently baptized by an entire box of Motts Apple Juice. Which makes blogging a sticky business for reals.

When Sexyhusbandomine left for China 10 days ago I had The Very Best of Intentions. As evidence I would point to my Behavior Modification chart on the kitchen bulletin board and the handful of stickers that are sprinkled on it. I believe that for the first 3 days all I lacked was a cape: I had beds made, teeth brushed, homework done, vegetables eaten and books read. And then The Gods Laughed.



The sleeping arrangements for Camp Mommy have us all sharing a room together; The Banana on an aerobed and Complicated Boy taking 9/10th of my queen sized bed so that he can fully extend each one of his appendages. FULLY. On the third night of our Special Time Together, conversation at bedtime went like this:

CBOY: Mommy-what's that noise?
ME: That's just a garbage truck.
CBOY: No I mean THAT noise.
ME: That's just our drunk neighbors.
CBOY: MOM! I mean THAT NOISE! LISTEN!
At which point I am like: hmm, what the heck IS that noise? And my heart starts pounding and I venture out into the kitchen and start turning the lights on and looking through the apartment, and find nothing. All is quiet. So I get back in bed. 5 Minutes later:
CBOY: Mopmmy--what's that noise?
And so it continues for an hour or so, at which point CBoy decides he maybe can sleep if I will simply HOLD HIS EARS.

Please try this tonight in your own bed with a loved one, chickens. Holding even a single ear is difficult, but holding two ears and being able to go to sleep yourself is Mission Impossible. And of course, everytime I thought he had drifted off to sleep and I sloooooooowly, carefully, so gennnnnntly lifted my hand off of an ear, he would pop up and say
MOM! HOLD MY EARS!

So it was no wonder that bleary eyed and sleep deprived, I contracted the worst case of food poisoning in my life the next night. Made worse, perhaps, by the little voices outside the bathroom door calling: MOM WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE? ARE YOU COMING TO BED MOM? I CAN'T SLEEP WITHOUT YOU MOM! MOM I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE SICK MOM! And The Crying. And The Whining. And not all of it by me.

The next day I rallied in order to make handmade Halloween Costumes, take children to soccer parks, fold laundry and do a bunch of housework that I only vaguely recollect. At some point I know I went grocery shopping because a random bag of pistachio nuts appeared later in my cabinet. Other than that, it's a blur. I do know that every piece of technical equipment in my household--from phone to television to ear thermometer began a slow and steady revolution and refused to perform for me. The TV in the living room has been on for 2 days--just a blue screen- because I am afraid if I turn it all the way off it will Never Turn On Again.



When Banana came down with the sniffles I just thought it was the beginning of a little seasonal cold. So I kept her home from school and took her to work with me--which is why everytime I touch the letter H my finger sticks and my office smells like a preschool classroom. I got LOTS of work done with Banana here. If you count playing every Elmo game available on the computer as work, which believe you me, I Do.

Last night Banana's fever shot to 104.5 and I had to wrassle with her to get the Motrin in her and then physically force her into a tepid bath to try to lower her fever. The whole household was up til 4:30 am. I wanted to let The Spawn sleep in this morning, but was foiled by a tiny travel alarm clock which I could not figure out how to turn off, and which beeped like The Telltale Heart-- loud enough that we could still hear it even after I shoved it in a sweater drawer in another room.

Banana has a doctor's appointment at 1:00 to see if she has The Swine Flu. And Sexyhusbandomine got his flight changed and will be heading back a day early--which is, of course, Not a Day Too Soon. So props to you gals who do this Single Mom thing on a regular basis--you are far better women than me.

Le WiNNeR

Happy Monday Chickens!

The Banana (who is home sick today with a fever of 103 degrees) cried out the number "26" as she lay on her pillow, sweating and moaning. She followed that up with "Mom, I have decided I want to be Hong Kong Fooey for Halloween" so clearly she was in the throws of delerium--but 26 is the winner!! Email me with your name & shipping address.

But everybody wins today Chickens! Because we have our first Kreg sighting! Seems he was spotted in Salt Lake City
http://beaux24.blogspot.com/2009/10/kregarious.html
Beaux & Lo showed him a good time. I just hope they didn't leave their daughters alone with him.

HaLLoWeeN GiVeAWaY!!

Happy Friday Chickens! It's been awhile since we've done a MUD giveaway-so here ya go. This is a little candy jar perfect for the Halloween season:



And you can win him just by commenting below and letting me know what your favorite Halloween candy is. Enter as many times as you would like--A random number will be picked Monday October 26. Happy Halloween!

BaCK iN THe SaDDLe

Happy Tuesday Chickens!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S WEDNESDAY?

Gosh, perhaps it's time to rethink the whole "blackout" thing.

1. Got A VERY DELICIOUS 500th blog post card from Deb from Four Angels Momma

Those are custom, baby--and written in wee letters on them are sayings like: Lorrie's 500th and Our Name Is Blog. Thanks Deb!! Please visit her blog today to read an ironic post because it is partially about a visit from....

2. BLUE! Who visited me while in the city with girlfriends and came to paint a bowl and have my children hang all over her.

And I know you are wondering who that hunk is in the background and of course, that would be...

3. KREG! who I decided to cut up into tiny little pieces and mail all across the country. I am looking forward to linking to all sorts of posts about Kreg's body parts.

4. The FALL FESTIVAL was a big success despite a formidable weather forecast. We had 80 street vendors, 3 large bouncey castles, food, live entertainment, arts & crafts, facepainting, cupcake decorating and when they rolled the Llama in it counts as one of the top 50 great moments of my life. And now I can relax! Except for that Halloween brunch for 50 I have to plan to assuage the guilt my kids have laid on me.

5. Oh, and Sexyhusbandomine is in China for two weeks, leaving me alone with The Spawn (I hate when I am outnumbered) and the two bodyguards and the five attack dogs (got that stalkers?). So blogging? WAYYYY up there on the list of priorities. Like, at least number 34.

TaKiN CaRe oF BiDNeSS

I AM IGNORING YOU CHICKENS.

If you want a blog, you will just have to get in line behind The Spawn who are crying for annoying things like food and clean clothes, my boss who is really putting me out by asking for work, Sexyhusbandomine who thinks I should be able to remember his name and stop referring to him as "He who Must Do The Grocery Shopping" , and the cats...omg...has anyone seen the cats lately?

Because I have a sickness. A terrible sickness. I am compelled to VOLUNTEER. I. Cannot. Say. No.

If you were to organize an intervention it would be swell, but I may not be able to attend because I HAVE TO MAKE CUPCAKES.

I am currently working on a BIG EVENT for The Spawn's school that will happen this Saturday, October 17th and involves bouncey castles, arts & crafts, games, magic shows, face painting, a crafts fair & A PETTING ZOO.

Right now I am walking the tightrope between feeling wonderfully excited and fearing that the whole event will be a Disaster of Huge Proportions. Should my head explode at some point, I hope someone will mention in my eulogy how very nice my posters were, and how they always had sparkly shiny glitter.

When I come back next week (yes, i said next week. Unless someone wants to VOLUNTEER a guest blog. I WILL! I WILL! wait..what was I saying?) I will write about Blue's visit, about Deb's fabulous and tasty card, and how I sent Kreg on to other people. Stay Tuned Chickens.

My WeeK WiTH KReG

Dear Chickens-

Where do I begin? What a week I've had with Kreg in the cit-ay!

When Kreg first arrived, I was a little short on cash. We needed some fun money to paint the town red. So I put him right to work.



It was clear when the day's take was a cigarette butt and a Canadian nickle, that I needed to find some other way to generate income. Plus, Kreg was grumpy. "I am a Serious Musician, damnit" he said to me "Surely you can find some way for me to use my God given talents." So I found him a gig in Times Square.



But his earnings decreased as the temperature dropped. So I had him pretend to be deaf and ask for money on the subway.


But everytime a person would go to donate he would mix up the hand sign for THANK YOU with the Vulcan hand greeting and blow the whole deal. Next morning when we hung around Rockefeller Center, I got another idea.


We decided he should pose as an obscure and forgotten child actor and come forth with shocking revelations that involved a stint in rehab and an affiliation with Scientology. This plan worked right away.


He killed it on Conan and Letterman.


Dave said he thought Kreg was cute. So anyway, we were rolling in dough so we could finally go out and do some of the New York stuff that Kreg had been asking to do since he arrived.



And we had fun. Serious fun. Right up until here:


Once I save the bail money, I'm sending him to someone else for a visit. I am EXHAUSTED.

THe KReGMaN CoMeTH (f i n a l l y)

Kreg is obviously a man who thinks BIG. I mean REALLY REALLY REALLY BIG. This card arrived from him today:


What better way to show some love for a Mommy Blogger than to send her some big love? This card is over 7 feet long (I am sure Kreg will post the exact dimensions in comments--you know how confused I can sometimes get about exact lengths) and has the words "glitter, glitter, glitter" across his fly-which I know is making my father SO PROUD at this moment. I am posting a link to Kreg's blog here, but please note that it is totally raunchy for mature audiences only and could possibly get you in trouble at work.

So Chickens, here's the deal. I officially declare all this week KREG week. We will take this larger than life Kreg with us to all sorts of exciting places this week. Email me with your suggestions for what to do with Kreg at L V Mud (at) a ol

Best suggestion wins a fabulous ONIM Halloween Item. Suggestions accepted through Wednesday 10/7. Remember to email 'em to me so the surprise isn't ruined if we pick yours.

P.S. No Thystle, I will not do that.

THe ToP THRee

Top three reasons for not blogging or visiting YOUR blog this week:

1. The Banana has a cold--the kind of cold that makes the space between her upper lip and her nostrils an angry and perpetually wet shade of red. The kind of cold that has you waking up in the middle of the night wondering if an errant basset hound has found its way into your apartment and is making that annoying barking-cough noise. The kind of cold that makes the following ACTUAL & TRUE exchange we had in the bathroom yesterday morning that much more horrific:

BANANA: Mommy, do you use (cough, sniffle, cough) your tongue cleaner on your toothbrush much?
ME: No, not really.
BANANA: I Do. ALL THE TIME.

At which point it dawns on me that her shocking pink electric Barbie toothbrush doesn't come with a tongue cleaner, and as I look down at my own brush clutched in my hand, I realize she means MY TOOTHBRUSH. When a disgusted look passes over my face, she shrugs and says "What? You said when I was in your tummy we shared everything."

I must make time to buy a new toothbrush, chickens.







2. I use AOL. It is a version of aol that arrived to me via pony express in a tin can, FOR FREE about ten years ago. It is THE BEST email program ever invented--they even stuck a guy into it that tells you that "You've Got Mail". Well, this weekend nine years worth of email addresses and contact info just POOF disappeared from my address book and file cabinet. One minute they were there and all my stalking info was at my fingertips, next minute blank screen. The AOL man should have said "You've Been F@#$Cked." So we had to call the kind customer service people in India and run virus scans, etc. and long story short a nice AOL rep named Dan retrieved my data for me, but I had to RE ENTER IT BY HAND. 702 email contacts alone.

And chickens, some of that info was so out dated that I had dead people in my address book, I am not kidding. Apparently there IS a virus that can get into your mail even if you have a MAC. I don't know how I caught it-I did not share my tongue cleaner with anyone on the internets. I just know that going forward when I see those MAC/PC commercials, I am always going to be imagining the cute MAC guy has crabs.







3. It is 57 degrees here in New Yawk and I just sent the Spawn to school--again--in shorts & crocs because I cannot find the box of Fall/Winter clothing that I know I put away so carefully last year. You will find me this weekend at Tar-jay.

Perhaps next week shall be better.

FaNTaSTiC MaiL

The Fabulous Blue sent me this card to celebrate my 500th blog post. Thank You Blue!!!!

This, chickens, is a GINORMOUS PIECE OF HOMEMADE TOFFEE. Just the right combo of salty and sweet, I began to refer to it as My Precious. At night I dreamt of the way it crumbled into my mouth and melted slowly on my tongue. It was a big box of evil.... Sweet, Delicious Evil.

And yes: I ATE THE WHOLE BLOOMING THING.

THe MaGiC

Thanks for your patience as I return to the regular Circus Act of juggling bowling balls, otherwise known as my Real Life. Bowling balls that are ON FIRE.

We had The Best Trip EVAH to Disneyland-which was practically empty because all the kids with Responsible Parents were in school. Miss Thystle will probably be bragging about her jaunt to the Bahamas on her blog--but I'll bet SHE didn't get Buzz Lightyear's autograph or eat a waffle that was shaped like a mouse. Good times, Chickens, good times.

There are some who scoff at the wonder that is Walt's World. They use big words like "consumerism" and "fakety fake fake." Not I. I LOVE THE KINGDOM. I buy into the whole Disney Mystique-I mean, according to my credit card receipts, I REALLY buy into it.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but in addition to almond shaped eyes and large front teeth, ComplicatedBoy inherited his Anxiety Disorder from me. Our first day at the Magic Kingdom, he was a bundle of nerves-vowing he would not go NEAR a ride that moved any faster than Cinderella's Merry Go Round. He expressed a fear of drowning on IT'S A SMALL WORLD, and of catching rabies after getting a hug from Chip and Dale. The kid was a nervous wreck.

UNTIL



We walked by THE SWORD IN THE STONE--which was a bronze statue of a sword in a stone, with the appropriate plaque about being true of heart and brave of spirit and yada yada. CBoy pulled at it. Nothing happened. The Banana pulled and pulled. Nothing happened. Sexyhusbandomine grunted and sweated and that sword stayed in that stone. And just as we were all set to leave and head towards Adventureland, CBoy took a deep breath and made one final attempt and MY GAWD THE SWORD RAISED RIGHT UP OUT OF THAT STONE! All chrystal and shining and amazing and jeepers cripes honey hand me the freeking camera and then before we could catch a second breath, the sword sunk back into that stone.



And so we spent the next half an hour and two subsequent returns trying to get that dern sword to rise from the stone again-which it Never Did. We searched for hidden buttons, secret cameras, sneaky Disney employees--we still Do Not Know How in The Heck CBoy pulled that sword out.

But CBoy knew.

" It was because I found my Courage inside" I SWEAR TO GAWD he actually said, cue violins, cue misty eyes.

O Walt Disney i wish i could kiss you on your cryogenically frozen lips.

And then my friends, CBoy lead us to Pirates of the Caribbean and even THE HAUNTED MANSION. Never in the past eight years did I think we would end up spinning through a cemetery together, laughing happily at fears that were now laid to rest.

It was ..well..it was magic.

RaNDoM WiNNeRS

Thanks for playing folks! Random winners are:
3, 10, 17, 24, 38, 46, 50 and 100.

PLaY aND WiN

Hola Chickens!

I am writing this while I should be getting a spray tan as we are jetting off to the Fannypack Paradise known as Disneyworld in just an hour. I'll have LOTS of stories to tell on Monday, but in the meantime let's play ONE WORD ASSOCIATION.

Type a single word into comments that is in response to the word above you. Play as many times as you wish, but you must respond to someone ELSE'S one word response.

On Sunday, random numbers will appear. People who's comments match the number win FABULOUS PRIZES. I mean Fabulous. Trust me on this.

I will start you kids off.

the word is:

BACON.

SiX YeaRS oF BaNaNaS

Happy 6th Birthday Annie! We Love You!

FaN MaiL

You like me. You really, really like me. But please, no more hanging around my office and breaking into my apartment to steal my underwear, ok?

September 11, 2009

A repeat from last year....we have not forgotten.

ARt & SoLD

While other Mommies were instructing their spawn about how to tie their shoes or sound out their letters, I was busy teaching the Fruit of my Loins the difference between Raw Sienna and Burnt Umber. At 18 mos. if you asked the Banana what her favorite color was, she would answer "Magenta." I literally started their artistic instruction when they were both in diapers.

Which explains why sometimes they pooped cerulean blue.

This past weekend we went to the HOWL festival in the East Village.


HOWL is a crazy wackadoo art festival with huge murals created in front of your eyes by New York City artists, bands, puppet shows, and the occasional cross dresser. Very fun for The Spawn, very fun for Sexyhusbandomine and me, ( if we can ignore being asked "Mommy, why is that man wearing a bra?" the 1500th time it is asked. )

At HOWL I found what I think is one of the Coolest Things Evah. For $20, you can purchase a six by six canvas from The Six By Six Gallery. After you return your finished artwork, you get a one month gallery exhibition (complete with hoity toity wine and cheese Friday night opening), a 3 month on-line gallery exhibition, and an unprecedented 80/20 split of the sale (you name your price.)




HOW AWESOME IS THAT?!? Mommy can BUY you an art career! Which of course, I did. And I could not wait to see what the Spawn did with their canvases. Banana was called away to help Scooby Doo solve an urgent case that involved the haunting of a deserted mine, but CBoy got out the acrylics and got right to work.

What would my little Rembrant make? What fabulous masterpiece would be produced by my petite Picasso? My mind could ONLY IMAGINE....

It never imagined this.



Either I have a highly disturbed child, or he is a GENIUS who realizes at age eight that there is a huge market for really bizarre clown art.

Do a DeaR..AGaiN

Dear Cheap Bra from Target-
OK OK UNCLE I give up.... I'll do ANYTHING. Just please Stop. The Torture.
From
Lorrie It itches and pinches Veasey.

Dear Homeland Security:
I know how to make terrorists talk. See above.
Love,
The girl who forgot her passport TWO times in a row.

Dear Followers who left because of my post about drugs
I give my kids WHITE BREAD too.
So shoot me.
Love,
Themycarbonfootprintisfreekinghuge Girl

Dear Readers who wrote such lovely supportive comments on my blog,
I heart you.
For Reals.
Even if so many of you did not send me fabulous cards, like this great one that Jen sent.


But PS-you can still send me one.
Love, me


Dear Greek Restaraunt on the corner,
That was MY BOSS i brought in to lunch the other day. I don't think the fact that she later spent the evening driving the porcelain bus is going to get me a raise. No tip for you!

Love.
Glad I just had hummus

Dear HBO
I lerves Sookie and Bu-hill. But he's a little too serious sometimes--like he's got a big stake up his butt. Please give Mr. Compton a little sense of humor.
Love,
I should write TV

dear Ex Husband o mine
What were you trying to tell me when you sent me this picture of you and some of your freindfs?

Put some pants on. I mean it.
Love me.
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