FaN MaiL

You like me. You really, really like me. But please, no more hanging around my office and breaking into my apartment to steal my underwear, ok?

September 11, 2009

A repeat from last year....we have not forgotten.

ARt & SoLD

While other Mommies were instructing their spawn about how to tie their shoes or sound out their letters, I was busy teaching the Fruit of my Loins the difference between Raw Sienna and Burnt Umber. At 18 mos. if you asked the Banana what her favorite color was, she would answer "Magenta." I literally started their artistic instruction when they were both in diapers.

Which explains why sometimes they pooped cerulean blue.

This past weekend we went to the HOWL festival in the East Village.


HOWL is a crazy wackadoo art festival with huge murals created in front of your eyes by New York City artists, bands, puppet shows, and the occasional cross dresser. Very fun for The Spawn, very fun for Sexyhusbandomine and me, ( if we can ignore being asked "Mommy, why is that man wearing a bra?" the 1500th time it is asked. )

At HOWL I found what I think is one of the Coolest Things Evah. For $20, you can purchase a six by six canvas from The Six By Six Gallery. After you return your finished artwork, you get a one month gallery exhibition (complete with hoity toity wine and cheese Friday night opening), a 3 month on-line gallery exhibition, and an unprecedented 80/20 split of the sale (you name your price.)




HOW AWESOME IS THAT?!? Mommy can BUY you an art career! Which of course, I did. And I could not wait to see what the Spawn did with their canvases. Banana was called away to help Scooby Doo solve an urgent case that involved the haunting of a deserted mine, but CBoy got out the acrylics and got right to work.

What would my little Rembrant make? What fabulous masterpiece would be produced by my petite Picasso? My mind could ONLY IMAGINE....

It never imagined this.



Either I have a highly disturbed child, or he is a GENIUS who realizes at age eight that there is a huge market for really bizarre clown art.

Do a DeaR..AGaiN

Dear Cheap Bra from Target-
OK OK UNCLE I give up.... I'll do ANYTHING. Just please Stop. The Torture.
From
Lorrie It itches and pinches Veasey.

Dear Homeland Security:
I know how to make terrorists talk. See above.
Love,
The girl who forgot her passport TWO times in a row.

Dear Followers who left because of my post about drugs
I give my kids WHITE BREAD too.
So shoot me.
Love,
Themycarbonfootprintisfreekinghuge Girl

Dear Readers who wrote such lovely supportive comments on my blog,
I heart you.
For Reals.
Even if so many of you did not send me fabulous cards, like this great one that Jen sent.


But PS-you can still send me one.
Love, me


Dear Greek Restaraunt on the corner,
That was MY BOSS i brought in to lunch the other day. I don't think the fact that she later spent the evening driving the porcelain bus is going to get me a raise. No tip for you!

Love.
Glad I just had hummus

Dear HBO
I lerves Sookie and Bu-hill. But he's a little too serious sometimes--like he's got a big stake up his butt. Please give Mr. Compton a little sense of humor.
Love,
I should write TV

dear Ex Husband o mine
What were you trying to tell me when you sent me this picture of you and some of your freindfs?

Put some pants on. I mean it.
Love me.
WRITE YOUR OWN DEAR... in comments

My CHiLD aND DRuGS

Sexyhusbandomine and I went to a very crunchy birthing class, and at one meeting, while we sat around in a circle over which hung a cloud of patrouli, we were asked to describe our birthing plans. The first woman talked about how she wanted to have a home birth, the second wanted a natural water birth,and the third wanted to just squat right down in the woods. When it was finally my turn I put my non-Berkenstock wearing foot in my mouth and said that what I most wanted was... DRUGS. DRUGS DRUGS and oh... LOTS OF DRUGS. And so CBoy began life with Mommy tripped out, and humming Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds in the delivery room. For a brief moment, I considered naming him Chet, after my dear, dear friend perco-chet. I still miss him.

When Cboy was a baby and had colic, we discovered after we got it home that we had bought a homeopathic remedy that contained Belladonna--a known posion. Like a good Mommy and Daddy, we tossed it into the trash bin...where six hours later, Sexyhusbandomine dug around trying to find it while I screamed over the screaming baby: BRING. ME. THE. POISON. NOW.

I have been known to hang out in the bathroom offering free samples of Benedryl during cold season to runny nosed children. "Just a toot to get you through the night" I say to The Spawn. "it's not like you'll end up doing Robutussin..."

Bananna was born with carsickness and let me tell you: when your child pukes EVERY SINGLE TIME you start a road trip and your pediatrician tells you you can't give Dramamine until they are two years old--you would celebrate that birthday at CVS pharmacy too.

Last week CBoy was diagnosed with ADHD. When we originally went in for testing, we were all: There is No Way we would EVAH consider medication. I went so far as to google "glutin free diet"before I came to my senses.

A LOT of people will have A LOT of opinions about medicating a child. As for me: I am so grateful that medication exists that may help ComplicatedBoy become..well... a little less complicated.

You'Ve GoT MaiL

The response to the recent call for readers to send handmade cards to celebrate my 500th Blog Posting was....well....I'm happy to know that three of you love me enough to get out the scissors and glue.

First of all, there was this beauty sent by the awesome and lovely Miss Thystle.


THANK YOU KIKI!!! This darling card, made from pilfered office supplies was sent along with two reams of xerox paper and a carton of toner. Ooops, maybe I wasn't supposed to mention that. Anyhoo, I lerves the Thystle so please visit her blog where last I looked, she was discussing men in leopard print thongs.

Next, we have the fabulous Sheila (and her better half Chris) who gets a handful of gold stars and many thanks for her wonderful use of G L I T T E R!!! FIVE different colors of glitter at that!! I am happier than a bird with a french fry.



Notice the clever reference to my recent appearance on the Late Late Show with Craig Fergusen (scroll through old posts to find the You Tube clip.) Sheila doesn't have a blog despite the fact that I pressure her often to start one. Apparently it would be easier to get her to try crack. She will not bend.

And Last but so definitely Not Least, the incredible Zdub who sent this creation that-- in addition to being a fantastic card and possibly including a soft porn image of her sexy JohnnyDeppkeanureeveshotupsguy husband, doubles as a centerpiece!

Thank You Zakalicious! I believe Zak used a Hot Glue Gun to attach various drinking icons to the palm tree. I am glad she found a use for old Aspen Leaf business cards. Read about the fork in her road on her always funny blog.

Despite their smack talk, nothing has arrived in the mail yet from Kreg or Scrappin Jenny. But one can hope.

Obviously all of these entries are Fabulous and I cannot pick a single winner. So all three of these chiccas shall be given a little something AND FREE LODGING at Blogslur 2010 in New York City.

Keep the cards and letters coming people.

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

Hola Chickens!

I am back-but unfortunately the children and the laundry managed to follow me on the plane ride home. I will blog tomorrow.

The winners of my Automate Your Blog for a Week are:

( Everything from the posts to the winners was pre-set and there was a little glitch on post one/post two because computers can be so dern specific about the numbers you type into them, so i have awarded two prizes for each of those posts to be fair. Also- I really didn't forget to feed the cat but i appreciate how many of you had second thoughts about saying something nasty to me.)

Post 1 -HIT 40 and Hi! I'm Amy
Post 2- Jen X and KLS
Post 3- Miss Thystle
Post 4-3 Carnations
Post 5- Lin
Post 6- BJ

Weiners: please email me at L V Mud (at) a o l (dot) c o m before the end of this month to claim your FABULOUS prizes.

And the rest of you; You are AWESOME. We should go for a drink sometime. Seriously. You Funny.

RANDOM WINNERS

Post 1 - comment #4
Post 2- comment #6
Post 3- comment # 1
Post 4- comment #10
Post 5- comment #2
Post 6- Last comment.

*MWAH* Love to all. Back at my desk in a bit.

POST # 6

I forgot to leave food for the cat, but I blogged.

Discuss. Win Free Stuff.

POST #5

Damn I've run out of hot topics. I could never be on The View.

Discuss, win a prize (read through posts to find out how)

POST #4

TOPIC # 4
Is this getting annoying yet? What do you think I'm doing right now?

Discuss and possibly win a prize. Winners chosen at random on 8/24.

Post #3

TOPIC # 3

Why do people put so many pillows on their beds?

Discuss

FaR aND aWaY

Happy Wednesday Chickens!

I am currently sitting in a beach chair beside the shores of Lake Michigan, but I have pre-set my blog posts to appear in my absence.

While I am away, blog posts will appear sporadically that suggest a topic for discussion. All topics will come from a wonderful site I found that lists TOPICS FOR DEBATE FOR HIGHSCHOOLERS.

These posts will appear several times during the day. On Monday, August 24, a post will appear that lists random numbers and people will win FABULOUS PRIZES. Seriously. Fabulous. SO DISCUSS. DISCUSS SOME MORE.

TOPIC NUMBER ONE:

VAMPIRES. Why can't vampires and werewolves just get along?

POST # 2

TOPIC:

Eyelash Curlers. Necessary or a medieval torture device most likely invented by a man?

Talk amongst yourselves...

Banned

Long time readers of this blog will remember the time I was BANNED FROM BOOKCLUB on the interwebs, because I suggested that reading 16 Janet Evanovich novels in a row did not a bookclub make, and that it was akin to ordering Chinese Take Out for 16 nights in a row and calling it a Sampling of Asian Cuisine. I got my butt kicked by a few Janet Evanovich Book Lovers that time, Chickens.

Well, now I have been BANNED from commenting on the Feminist Review. Which is such a shame because I have such lofty, self righteous opinions to share with others, when I am not leafing through my copy of Mrs. Dalloway and talking to my cats whilst letting my underarm hair grow.

An independent artist who owns the Etsy company Wasaibi Brooklyn which makes beautiful handcrafted jewelry often using real currency, was approached by The Feminist review and an item from her shop was requested FOR FREE to be reviewed. Wasaibi sent the item to the reviewer, and the result was a non favorable review that that stated that the use of currency in the item was offensive.

HELLO. Here is what I THINK is wrong with this picture: if you have a problem with chicken: don't go asking for a free lunch at Kentucky Fried. That is my opinion.

And so I said as much--only to be BANNED, and this posted in the comments:

Feminist Review said...
A comment made by Lorrie Veasey has been removed for its threatening nature. Similar comments will be removed, and if necessary, reported to the proper authorities. Threats are taken seriously and NOT lightly.

I am the Tony Soprano of Blog Comments. I have scared the Big Bad Feminists. I thought those chicks were tougher.

So Chickens--here is the link to the blog posting. If you can get a comment past the author, who I suspect has a downy moustache on her upper lip and the sense of humor of a rock, let me know. You will be a better man than me.
http://feministreview.blogspot.com/2009/08/state-quarter-necklace.html

PS
Because I have become bigger than Paris Hilton in Japan, I have had to turn word verification back on for awhile. Please play WV with me--give the definition of the word you have to type. Example: Fishnelian--WV: what the author of the Feminist Review smells like.

PeT PeeVe

The New Yawk Times published a piece this weekend that stated that the words "NO PROBLEM" were quickly replacing "YOU'RE WELCOME" in our day to day vocabulary.

In the words of Greg Brady: I don't dig this. Not that I am the poster child for civility, but I do like to be polite when I am not picking my nose in public or stealing an old person's seat on the bus.

"NO PROBLEM" means that the person who performed the service was not put out by it in the slightest. It indicates that asking someone to do the job for which they are paid, was not a great inconvenience. At the same time, it implies that there was the POSSIBILITY of difficulty involved with the task.

"YOU'RE WELCOME" on the other hand, indicates that it was a PLEASURE to serve you. It infers: "Y'all come back now" and "Mi Casa Es Su Casa." It's the throwing wide of arms and the smile that denotes that the exchange was mutually satisfactory.

TO REVIEW, CHICKENS....

Not Good:
"THANK YOU."
"DON'T MENTION IT."

Also Not Good:
"THANK YOU."
"SURE THING."

Really Not Good:
"THANK YOU"
Dead silence while clerk checks her acrylic nails.


So please join with me in this important movement and let's bring "YOU'RE WELCOME" back into the vernacular. Who knows--if we are successful at this we could be calling eachother the Bees Knees or the Cat's Pajamas within a year.

Oh and while we're at it....

HAVE A NICE DAY.

THe ReJeCTS

In the spirit of celebrating the 5th Anniversary of my 100th Blog Post, may I present a special edition of BLOGS THAT NEVER WERE.

These are actual drafts, sitting dormant in my blogger account in cyberspace...until now. Here are the first sentences of Blogs Not Published in the past three months:

Since purchasing the complete collection of The Brady Bunch on DVD, we have figured out that going to church is unnecessary... Mike Brady is a Moral Hard Ass.


It's never a good thing when your husband calls you while he's naked in the bathroom and says "Honey, can you come take a look at this?"


I often make the mistake of thinking that if I didn't enjoy the food, that the calories in it are imaginary: for example, the whole bag of rice cakes I just consumed.


The problem with your kids acting up when you have guests over is that you can't beat them in front of the company, and later you're usually too drunk to remember what it was they did that made you want to whip the tar out of them.


I think it's time I shared my birth story with you all, Chickens.


It's DECEMBER and we have been late to school 22 times in the past four months because of ComplicatedBoy's bowels.


Dear Scuzzball who Stole My iPhone and thought it was funny to text me the word BITCH...


On a Scale of 1-10 for Mothers, 1 being NO MORE WIRE HANGERS and 10 being I HOMESCHOOL AND COOK ORGANIC, I consider myself a very firm 6.75 or 7.2.


While Sexyhusbandomine was doing shots at a house party, I was performing topless in an Athol Fugard play.


Chickens, I have been reading many of your blogs lately, and I have some advice for each of you....

YoU DoN'T BRiNG Me FLoWeRS

Hola Chickens.

If you are greedy CURIOUS like my dear friend Kristin , you might be wondering whatever happened to plans to celebrate my FIVE HUNDRETH BLOG POST.

Of course, there was controversy at first as Kreg got out his abacus and questioned the VALIDITY of it being my 500th post...but I set him straight about that AND the whole Kennedy Assassination thing. So now I owe him a drink next time I spot Elvis, and even though this just may be my 505th post, we're gonna say that this is my 496 post because... O MY GAWD THESE NUMBERS ARE HURTING MY HEAD.

So how are we celebrating and who wins that plaque?

I should give the plaque to my dear friend Ruth (RPC in comments) who wrote me and asked what the traditional gift is for a 500th blog anniversary. DIAMONDS I answered (even though I meant cash) So Ruth showed up at my studio yesterday with DIAMONDS.



52 of those babies. CAN THERE BE A GREATER GIFT THAN TO GIVE SOMEONE A PUN? I think not, Chickens. Ruth clearly knows the way to my hearts--in spades. And to further seal the deal she gave me this:



This is Ruth and her gift for me. That is a bottle of fine award winning Strawberry Wine that SHE MADE HERSELF with no help from Mr. Bartle and Mr. James. I lerves me some wine RUTH! Yay Ruth! Woot! Woot! Too bad she doesn't have a blog, so we gave her a wine glass.

You can win the plaque by SENDING ME A PAPER CARD OR POSTCARD YOU HAVE MADE BY YOURSELF. No Hallmark missives for me, chickens--get out your crayons, your markers, your half tubes of lipsticks and scrawl a few words and send them to me here:
Lorrie Veasey
c/o OUR NAME IS MUD
224 WEst 29th Street
5th Floor
NYC NY 10001
MUST BE RECEIVED BY NEXT THURSDAY AUGUST 13.

Extra points if you use G L I T T E R.

Now you have plans for the weekend!

THe BiG SeXY

I know when most of you think of the words SEXY and PONCHO together; quite a few images comes to mind. The most common would probably be this one:

then of course, if you say SEXY and PONCHO together three times fast, you might summon this mental picture:

Some of you who are older than dirt of a certain age, might confuse PONCHO with PUNCH and get a SEXY PUNCH.

Maybe you are thinking you are too sexy for your cat? Are you too sexy for a cat in a poncho? I think not.

But in order to be a TRULY SEXY PONCHO, it's not about the garment. It's not even about who is in the garment.


It's all about HOW YOU WEAR THE GARMENT. Just ask Sexyhusbandomine.

Why is this the ultimate SEXY PONCHO? Because apparently when you decide to wear it like this, rain can trickle down the neck area, completely wetting the entire front of your Tshirt.

What is not sexy: Spending the rest of the day complaining to your wife that you are wet and soaked because you wanted to keep your ears out.

OuR SuMMeR VaCaTioN By THe SPaWN

BANANA:
I am having lots of fun on my summer vacation. Most of the time Mommy tries to stick me in camps that don't end until after cocktail hour, but last week we got to go to NEW HAMPSHIRE. On the way, we stopped at this place called Old Sturbridge Village. It was really old. I thought it was GREAT!


CBOY: I think they should have invented air conditioning A LOT sooner than they did.

BANANA:
I got to get a hat and dress up and churn butter and hear a fascinating story about how brooms are made! It was AWESOME!


CBOY:
WooHoo I think I figured out a way to enjoy the breeze!


BANANA:
When we got to the cabin it rained. It rained and it rained and it rained and it rained. Do you think this poncho makes my butt look like a ku klux klan member?


CBOY:
Dad threw up, there was no tv, and the mosquitos ate us alive. This blogging thing is pretty easy.

BANANA:
Hey give me back the keyboard.

CBOY:
I had it first.

BANANA:
I'm telling.