One Halloween I had the PRETTIEST PRINCESS DRESS EVAH. There was a cold snap, and I still remember the crushing humiliation of having to wear my red puffy down filled coat over my costume.
ME: Trick or Treat!
PERSON HOLDING CANDY BOWL: Oh look! It's a....It's a.......Ummm...what are you?
It went on like this for a bit until finally I came up with the answer: "A TOMATO FAIRY" and it got me extra chocolate... and that, my friends, is when I decided WITTY BEATS PRETTY anyday.
In college, the trend in costumes was SEXY. My friends were Sexy witches, Sexy nurses, Sexy football players...there was not a costume existed that they couldn't shorten, rip, hoist and totally Slutify in some amazing way. As for me, Freshman and Sophomore years, I wore my old Burger King uniform.
(Why, yes, whilst in college I did work at that fine establishment.. I microwaved patties for about 6 months. I always hoped they would promote me to the register, but sadly it was not to be: I was fired for lack of burger wrapping skills. I could never figure out how to neatly fold that paper tissue so it wouldn't unwrap. I got into an argument with management about my suggestion for utilizing scotch tape in the process. It ended badly. I can't look at oragami to this day. But I digress...)
The point is: I found the wearing of a brown corduroy pantsuit (yes, that's what it used to be back in the day. With a spiffy plastic visor in coral) to be IRONIC. And MEN STILL DATED ME, just for the record. It's not like I was the ugly girl in the Burger King costume at the party--I was making out with total strangers Just Like Everyone Else. MAYBE EVEN MORE SO; when the guys realized the mileage they could get out of lines like " Do You Really Hold The Pickle?"
But Junior year, my roommate suggested lending me a killer harem girl costume that was basically a bra and a pair of silk Hammer-time pants. And the bra was totally Bedazzled so it was a Bra of 1000 Diamonds. It was like Super Sexy I Dream of Genie. I could not resist.
Later that night, when the temperature dipped below 40 and I had to walk a mile from the Pub back to my dorm, I longed for nothing more than the Halloween of my youth and my red puffy down filled coat. I still believe witty beats pretty, but more than that: Warmth beats Freezing Your Ass off anyday.
Next week: More About Comfortable Shoes.
17 comments:
You worked at the BK Lounge. Sweet...
I'm with you...pretty does in fact beat the crap out of witty and it's always better to be warm than cold. I love it when I see teenagers in the winter walking around with nary a stitch on and they act like adults are morons. Good times...good times.
hey, wherez the sexy flight attendant? i mean, we're about as stereotyped as nurses...why the slight?!
growing up in newport beach ca, i never really had to worry about weather. sometimes it got *cool*, but i didn't actually own a coat till i left for college.
so imagine my wake up call when i had my own buckeroos and we moved to the FRIGID ACRTIC NORTH known as Vermont. when Bunch declared her intent to be a fairy princess, scuba diver, balerina, etc. i had to do some quick thinking to come up with workarounds. then when the kids in the neighborhood just showed up in regular warm clothes with their pillow cases i nearly shut the door in their faces. they were old enough that it just ticked me off, and it was all i could do to not drop a nasty or two into their bags. i mean, if you're not going to make ANY effort whatsoever, why should i?
so the question is, deary lorrie, what's it gonna be this year???
♥
"Witty Beats Pretty" should be our new Mantra. For our club. Our secret, cool kids club. With wine.
That's what makes Halloween costumes so tricky - striking the balance between slutty and warm.
Blu: you know flight attendants don't need Halloween for an excuse to look sexy-dern the lot of you to heck-- you skinny girls.
Jenny: When you wrote "pretty does beat the crap out of witty"--you mistyped, right? That's not like any kind of Freudian slipper is it? Let me know now if you were ever Homecoming Queen. It will change our relationship, but if you disclose early on I think we can survive.
Thystle: What will the handshake be like? I'm thinking it might involve one special finger in particular.
Spatz- That's why this year I am going as a Jenny Craig consultant. They seem to walk that balance everyday.
OKsy, I'm not witty enough, but if I bring wine, can I join the club?
And I think I'm in BIG trouble. Darling Daughter has informed me that *she wants to be the harem girl this year. She's only 10!
Last week she wanted to be a witch. What happened?
hey! here's the trick I use for non costumed teen age kids that grabbed their pillowcases- I keep a bowl of candy for the real T or T ers, and I keep a bowl of the soy sauce packages and parmesan cheese and red pepper packages from the take out shit that you (I) keep in the fridge but never use. I feel very green and recycley when I drop those in their knapsacks....
LV
do you tell kip that special orders don't upset you?????????
after a nice dinner out and some good PINOT, maybe-!!! and some jewelry really gets you some special orders, if you know what I'm sayin.....
i need a date....
I'm looking at that Police outfit and that FBI outfit and thinking that if I put this old, wrinkled body in one of those, they could truly arrest me. Plus, no silicone here.
I sure do feel like we are missing out at present - no bug H down under ...
The last time I dressed as anything other than me was as a gospel singer for a 70s party - complete with big wig - might go post the pci on my blog just for fun and will get right up MICS nose - he is not a mnan who 'dresses up'
Prior to that for MICs 40th I did the private viewing french made thing - it was pre baby time and I was volumptous as opposed to petite - he seemed appreciative as he only had to dress up as the horny old dude .... hugs and enjoy your dress ups - I want photos too - now get clicking - le xoxo
Don't believe Thystle and her 'club' thing. She'll just take your wine and vote you out!
And, oh my hell, bj in dallas I love you! I finally have a use for all that ketchup in my glove compartment. And here I've been wasting 2-year-old tootsie rolls on the teen beggars.
Um - sexy is ALWAYS the trend in women's Halloween costumes. That's stupid cause I'm all about the creepy. I can't do raunchy because that hits too close to home. ;) I think you pulled it (creepy) off with good ole microwaved bk patties and brown cords. :D (you know, I worked at KFC & we had to wear POLYESTER...I'd have given my right arm for cords.)
I would have spit whatever I had in my mouth when you mentioned the thing about "holding the pickle"!
Awesome post!
Oh yeah - I'm here & you have to come back now. :D
Lorrie - I have awarded you - come on over for the champers - hugs le
Wow! I have awarded you too! There's only beer in my fridge though.... sorry! xxxx
I like the word "slutify" - it's a good one. I usually say "skank it up" but "slutify" is WAY classier. I'm totally switching over.
Great post btw. It makes me a little homesick for Halloween.
Oh geez, don't tell me that those boys, along with asking about holding the pickle, mentioned special sauce? Because that's SICK, if they did.... Wait, I appear to be confusing my fast food joints. Still!
I agree, this post is fantastic!
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