Wednesday, August 29, 2007

That's Entertainment!


1. Take your spare change to the bank down the block. It's a very short walk, and if you are lucky, they will be giving away lollipops and free pens. You will have killed 38 minutes of a realllllllllllly lonnnnnnnng day, and turned your silver and copper into crisp green bills.

2. Teach him to play the video games you and your husband took an oath in blood you would never allow into the house in the first place.

3. High School Musical 1.

4. Call every friend and frenemy you and your child have ever known, and beg for playdates. Use the words "desperate" and "bouncing off the walls" at least twice in your request.

5. High School Musical 2.

6. Decide to look in the folder sitting on your desk marked "Summer Homework." Have a mild panic attack. Wonder if he gets extra credit for mastering the video games, as they are sure to improve his fine motor.

7. Take a trip to Whole Foods (also down the block) to look at dead fish in the seafood display and see how many eyeballs you can poke out before store manager asks you to leave.

8. High School Musical: Behind The Scenes.

9. Build the Empire State Building out of a cardboard box and a broken Swiffer Mop. You will have a great piece of art for your living room and managed to kill 23 minutes of a realllllllly lonnnnnnnng day.


Saturday, August 25, 2007

Hearts & Bones

One day I will blog about the events of this week; the fall, the ambulance ride, the two subsequent surgeries. I will write about The Guilt, exacerbated by Jesse's first words upon waking-which were somewhere along the lines of WHY DID YOU LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME MOM. I will write about my instant dislike of The Toy Lady. I will write about Nonnee's calm assurances, and Kip's stellar performance as the Pee Bottle & Vomit Bucket Holder.

I often joke about my 3-6 faithful readers of this blog. But in reality these words I write are often read by many people; some just once as they stop here at this site to buy a mug or bowl, others occassionally when killing time at work, some, like my father, to find out what is keeping me so busy I can't find time to return a phone call. This week I heard from family, friends, ex employees, old boyfriends, and some kind hearted strangers who sent Emails full of good wishes and happy thoughts. Thank you all. (Oh, and by the way, lead is not an issue in our products--I'm just saying, since this week I got a lot of Emails about that, too.)

Today when you read this blog, Practice Gratitude. There is always so much, every day, to be thankful for.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

This Weekend

Three paragraphs sum up this past weekend...............

She lost her sense of humor in the time it took her six year old to fall from the lifeguard chair to the hard surface below-his arm bent at an unnatural angle. She donned a hat of regret and sadness that shaded her from the sun, and realized as the ambulance sirens sounded, that summer had come to a premature end.

The stress of the arrival of all 21 of the summer house's arrivals was exacerbated by her Sister in Law's decision to hand out fireworks to all eleven of the children present.


The deal she made with God regarding how much Pinot Grigio she would imbibe each week was a flexible agreement in her opinion. She figured He was used to Mothers negotiating in the backs of ambulances, and that he would forgive her transgressions.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Under My Skin

So I have finally had my first removal of a "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT--DOES THIS LOOK WEIRD TO YOU" type of skin thing.

The first bit o' flesh they removed was beneath my left eye. When it first appeared on my face two months ago, I chalked it up to being yet another thing that GROWS ON YOUR FACE AFTER AGE 40. (Note to any of you among my 6 loyal readers who are still whippersnappers: IT'S NOT PRETTY...literally. We're talking hair growing out of your chin and other unbelievable places along with recurrent acne that will remind you of the Night Before The Prom in your Sophomore year. )

Anybody who knows me and knows that I proudly wore THE SAME SWEATER for five years running until it literally disintegrated, knows that I am the poster child for Anti-Vanity. How could I find time to dab a little concealer on The Thing On My Face when all efforts were concentrated in finding the t-shirt that covers my hips and makes my huge ass look a tiny bit smaller. It was only when the Weird Thing on My Arm started to grow and change, and become all red and brash and practically scream at me: I KNOW YOU USED TO SUNBATHE WEARING BABY OIL (which is, unjustifiably stupid because if you have ever seen my skin you will know that it is absolutely impossible for me to get a tan unless it comes out of a bottle) that I listened to Kip when he said for the 440th time: Maybe You Should Go See Someone About That.

And so I did, and the first thing they did was cut The Thing on My Face off with a laser. This was my first experience with a laser--and in my mind I was prepared for a burst of red light and perhaps a gentle buzzing sound, not the pain of a thousand bee stings and the smell of my charred flesh. From the corner of my eye I believe I saw SMOKE.

Then they took a melon scoop to my right arm and removed that Nasty Angry Spot and placed both tiny parts of me into little specimen jars which will be sent off to some lab and examined.

So please people: Wear Your Sunscreen. I know a very nice lady named Inga who will turn you a beautiful shade of kumquat with an airbrush for $40 bucks.

I don't know what has made me feel older today: The fact that I had these things removed, or the fact that I am telling you about it now.....

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Fish and chips and vingegar vinegar vinegar

ANNIE: Wow-this sure is a big fish. Do you think Mommy will cook it for dinner?
JESSE: Are you kidding? Mommy thinks fish comes out of the freezer in breaded sticks made by a guy in a yellow raincoat.
ANNIE: I'm gonna poke it.
JESSE: Better not.
ANNIE: I am so gonna poke it.
ANNIE: Did not!
JESSE: Did to!
ANNIE: Did Not Did Not Did Not. It felt kind of slimy.
JESSE: I can't hear you-I am busy admiring my hands. Plus, have you noticed I have taken to wearing TWO tshirts at a time? It's my very own fashion statement.

Monday, August 06, 2007


JESSE: So, I bet when you and Daddy were younger, you used to have to crank your DVD player.
ME: What?
JESSE: You know--with a handle. You'd have to crank the handle to play your DVD.