Many of you have written to me and asked "WHO IS THIS HYSTERICAL KREG PERSON?" after reading some of the comments he has left on this, and other blogs. Sometimes you even asked that without intending to alert the authorities. So I decided to go all Baba Wa Wa on his furry buttocks (I don't know that for a fact-just guessing.) and get you girls the true scoop. So here is my interview with Kraig, Kreg, Kregg or Craig......
1. First of all, how old are you and what does that make you in dog years?
Well, only about an inch or two when flaccid, but a good five or six inches when fully engorged with blood... Oh wait... For a second there, I thought you WOULDN'T want to waste one of your ten questions on something you could learn from just clicking on my profile. Well, fine. I am the cube root of 42570.697773213 years old. Or I will be sometime during the next week (There is probably some "slippage" in the numbers, due to my converting [365 minus days till my birthday] days into a percentage and then dropping every number four or more places past the decimal). By the way, that's the square root of 59740.647561 in dog years.
Rejected answer: Old enough to know better.
2. Where do you live and how close is the nearest HOOTERS to your house?
Hooters? Seriously? The food is atrocious and they won't knowingly let customers fondle the mams. When I conceptualize hell, I think of a Hooters with no alcohol that blares Barry Manilow's music.
Rejected answer: I live at Hooter's.
3. We know you are a musician, but what pays the bills when you aren't stripping or selling cocaine?
Gross violations of state and federal anti-child-labor laws. Although I can't ignore my late-flowering revenue streams from pyramid schemes, federal bailout fraud, and pimping.
Rejected answer: Fluffer.
4. Why did your first marriage end in ten words or less. (<---Question mark?) Hey-who made you the grammar police?
Misery. Love. Apathy. Complacency. Infidelity. Disappointment. Confusion. Resentment. Frustration. Time.
Rejected answer: Because we got divorced. Duh!
5. What was the last book you read and did you read it in the bathroom?
Hemingway's A Farewell To Arms was a gift from a stranger. Frankly, it is slow-going and boring as hell. I've always found him overly descriptive, to the point where plot development suffers. I've been reading it in a chair in my living room. I'd read it while on the can, if I wasn't regularly using both of my hands to hold my enormous genitalia up out of the water.
Rejected answer: Technically, you don't "read" coloring books.
6. If you were forced to make a choice, would you be blinded or castrated?
No, I wouldn't. In fact, I make choices all the time without being blinded or castrated.
At first, I thought maybe you were asking me to choose between my libido or my vision, but then I couldn't figure out a viable scenario in which that would transpire...
"Sir? Can you hear me? Sir? Sir? You've been in an auto accident. Sir? The firemen are coming with the jaws of life to pry you out of there. And... Sir? Can you hear me? Good. You appear to be pinned in the vehicle by your eyes and nutsack. Sir?" Nope. That doesn't wash.
"Ok, so that's one Burrito Gigante and two chorizo tacos. Will that be cash, eyeballs, or testicles?" Also a no-go.
Hmm... Perhaps a scenario in which I needed to pay for my as-of-yet non-existent child's college tuition? Or some Greek Tragedy re-enactment gone horribly awry?
Rejected answer: Couldn't you just hit me in the head with a hammer until my IQ reached double or single digits? Then I could finally enjoy NASCAR.
7. If you had to put a bumpersticker on your car what would it say?
"Some asshole made me put this bumper sticker on my car."
Rejected answer: "Penis for lease."
8. Who would you like our readers to set you up on a blind date with?
Well, technically if I have a say in the matter, I think by definition it is no longer a blind date. Perhaps instead you meant to ask ,"What are you looking for in a future partner/mate/friend/sexual dynamo?" Well, a sense of humor obviously is required. Intelligence is a must. Someone that challenges me to use every day to make myself a better person would be ideal. Interest in a variety of music would be an asset. Someone who takes care of themselves mentally and physically. Oh, and not having sex with other men behind my back would be a nice change.
Rejected answer: Courtney Love
9. What is your facination (sp) with Mommy Bloggers?
Nothing, per se. They seem not to get too bent out of shape at my off-color jokes, and their blogs are in English and make more sense than this one: Also, sometimes they send me free stuff.
To flip that one back onto you, what is Mommy Bloggers' fascination with me? I mean, other than the irresistible raw musk of my unbridled machismo.
Rejected answer: Got Milk?
10. Who is the hottest Mommy Blogger?
Rejected answer: Which ever Mommy Blogger is currently experiencing severe symptoms of menopause. But don't worry, in five minutes she'll be freezing. [RIMSHOT]
EDITOR'S NOTE: He obviously meant to write ME.
WAnt more KAIGG? Visit him here.