Friday, October 30, 2009


You know what's really scary about Halloween? When your ADHD child announces two hours before a party that he wants you to MAKE him a Jango Fett costume:

And you say, "No honey, I'm sorry- I can't make Jango Fett. But wouldn't it be REALLY REALLY COOL if you were..."

And after he asks if you have LOST YOUR MIND, you realize there is no shortage of cardboard boxes so you suggest

And so you talk to him from the other side of the bedroom door where he lays sobbing because there is NO WAY that little brown haired girl is going to look twice at him if he goes to the party wearing his dad's dirty underwear on his head and you suggest


And you cannot agree on anything, and any hope of impressing the little brown haired girl and entering the costume contest seems lost..
When your daughter suddenly appears dressed as Hannah Montanna

and Jiminey Crickets you have an IDEA that you can both agree on!

And a quick trip to Kmart for some black leggings and a tank top, a look through your jewelry box where miraculously you find that every rubber bracelet you kept from 1980 is still there, a little cutting action on a tablecloth, some facepaint and VOILA

I was made for lovin you baby and you were made for lovin me. And he won the trophy. I Rock.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

RoCK o LoVe

So I am walking along the street yesterday, lost in thought, pushing one of those smallish shopping carts (which is how busy New York Moms get their grocery shopping done on the way home from work) when it starts to dawn on me that the avenue appears to be deserted. I look to my right--NO ONE. I look to my left--NO ONE. Wait....except for Brett Michaels from the band Poison and VH1 Reality show fame, walking down the street beside me about an arm's length away. Looking very tan, wearing a white cowboy hat and signature bandanna and some low slung bell bottom jeans. We finish walking the deserted block together and as we approach the end of it I realize that I am walking straight into a large group of camera people and young interns with laminated badges around their necks. One approaches me with a clipboard and asks me to sign a release. It seems that I somehow got past the three Assistant Directors they had stationed a block back, and that I will now be appearing in the show that they are filming. I look down at the release, and realize that the young girl with the walkie talkie has filled the form in above my signature and she has written: MIDDLE AGED WOMAN WITH SHOPPING CART.

I Could. Not. Be. Prouder.

Who knows--perhaps I'll do a cameo on Charm School in the future.

P.S. Another Kreg sighting!! This one in Boston! From Scrappin Jenny

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


Hello Chickens. Let me first state for the record that I am typing this on a keyboard that was recently baptized by an entire box of Motts Apple Juice. Which makes blogging a sticky business for reals.

When Sexyhusbandomine left for China 10 days ago I had The Very Best of Intentions. As evidence I would point to my Behavior Modification chart on the kitchen bulletin board and the handful of stickers that are sprinkled on it. I believe that for the first 3 days all I lacked was a cape: I had beds made, teeth brushed, homework done, vegetables eaten and books read. And then The Gods Laughed.

The sleeping arrangements for Camp Mommy have us all sharing a room together; The Banana on an aerobed and Complicated Boy taking 9/10th of my queen sized bed so that he can fully extend each one of his appendages. FULLY. On the third night of our Special Time Together, conversation at bedtime went like this:

CBOY: Mommy-what's that noise?
ME: That's just a garbage truck.
CBOY: No I mean THAT noise.
ME: That's just our drunk neighbors.
At which point I am like: hmm, what the heck IS that noise? And my heart starts pounding and I venture out into the kitchen and start turning the lights on and looking through the apartment, and find nothing. All is quiet. So I get back in bed. 5 Minutes later:
CBOY: Mopmmy--what's that noise?
And so it continues for an hour or so, at which point CBoy decides he maybe can sleep if I will simply HOLD HIS EARS.

Please try this tonight in your own bed with a loved one, chickens. Holding even a single ear is difficult, but holding two ears and being able to go to sleep yourself is Mission Impossible. And of course, everytime I thought he had drifted off to sleep and I sloooooooowly, carefully, so gennnnnntly lifted my hand off of an ear, he would pop up and say

So it was no wonder that bleary eyed and sleep deprived, I contracted the worst case of food poisoning in my life the next night. Made worse, perhaps, by the little voices outside the bathroom door calling: MOM WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE? ARE YOU COMING TO BED MOM? I CAN'T SLEEP WITHOUT YOU MOM! MOM I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE SICK MOM! And The Crying. And The Whining. And not all of it by me.

The next day I rallied in order to make handmade Halloween Costumes, take children to soccer parks, fold laundry and do a bunch of housework that I only vaguely recollect. At some point I know I went grocery shopping because a random bag of pistachio nuts appeared later in my cabinet. Other than that, it's a blur. I do know that every piece of technical equipment in my household--from phone to television to ear thermometer began a slow and steady revolution and refused to perform for me. The TV in the living room has been on for 2 days--just a blue screen- because I am afraid if I turn it all the way off it will Never Turn On Again.

When Banana came down with the sniffles I just thought it was the beginning of a little seasonal cold. So I kept her home from school and took her to work with me--which is why everytime I touch the letter H my finger sticks and my office smells like a preschool classroom. I got LOTS of work done with Banana here. If you count playing every Elmo game available on the computer as work, which believe you me, I Do.

Last night Banana's fever shot to 104.5 and I had to wrassle with her to get the Motrin in her and then physically force her into a tepid bath to try to lower her fever. The whole household was up til 4:30 am. I wanted to let The Spawn sleep in this morning, but was foiled by a tiny travel alarm clock which I could not figure out how to turn off, and which beeped like The Telltale Heart-- loud enough that we could still hear it even after I shoved it in a sweater drawer in another room.

Banana has a doctor's appointment at 1:00 to see if she has The Swine Flu. And Sexyhusbandomine got his flight changed and will be heading back a day early--which is, of course, Not a Day Too Soon. So props to you gals who do this Single Mom thing on a regular basis--you are far better women than me.

Monday, October 26, 2009


Happy Monday Chickens!

The Banana (who is home sick today with a fever of 103 degrees) cried out the number "26" as she lay on her pillow, sweating and moaning. She followed that up with "Mom, I have decided I want to be Hong Kong Fooey for Halloween" so clearly she was in the throws of delerium--but 26 is the winner!! Email me with your name & shipping address.

But everybody wins today Chickens! Because we have our first Kreg sighting! Seems he was spotted in Salt Lake City
Beaux & Lo showed him a good time. I just hope they didn't leave their daughters alone with him.

Friday, October 23, 2009

HaLLoWeeN GiVeAWaY!!

Happy Friday Chickens! It's been awhile since we've done a MUD giveaway-so here ya go. This is a little candy jar perfect for the Halloween season:

And you can win him just by commenting below and letting me know what your favorite Halloween candy is. Enter as many times as you would like--A random number will be picked Monday October 26. Happy Halloween!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


Happy Tuesday Chickens!

Gosh, perhaps it's time to rethink the whole "blackout" thing.

1. Got A VERY DELICIOUS 500th blog post card from Deb from Four Angels Momma

Those are custom, baby--and written in wee letters on them are sayings like: Lorrie's 500th and Our Name Is Blog. Thanks Deb!! Please visit her blog today to read an ironic post because it is partially about a visit from....

2. BLUE! Who visited me while in the city with girlfriends and came to paint a bowl and have my children hang all over her.

And I know you are wondering who that hunk is in the background and of course, that would be...

3. KREG! who I decided to cut up into tiny little pieces and mail all across the country. I am looking forward to linking to all sorts of posts about Kreg's body parts.

4. The FALL FESTIVAL was a big success despite a formidable weather forecast. We had 80 street vendors, 3 large bouncey castles, food, live entertainment, arts & crafts, facepainting, cupcake decorating and when they rolled the Llama in it counts as one of the top 50 great moments of my life. And now I can relax! Except for that Halloween brunch for 50 I have to plan to assuage the guilt my kids have laid on me.

5. Oh, and Sexyhusbandomine is in China for two weeks, leaving me alone with The Spawn (I hate when I am outnumbered) and the two bodyguards and the five attack dogs (got that stalkers?). So blogging? WAYYYY up there on the list of priorities. Like, at least number 34.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009



If you want a blog, you will just have to get in line behind The Spawn who are crying for annoying things like food and clean clothes, my boss who is really putting me out by asking for work, Sexyhusbandomine who thinks I should be able to remember his name and stop referring to him as "He who Must Do The Grocery Shopping" , and the cats...omg...has anyone seen the cats lately?

Because I have a sickness. A terrible sickness. I am compelled to VOLUNTEER. I. Cannot. Say. No.

If you were to organize an intervention it would be swell, but I may not be able to attend because I HAVE TO MAKE CUPCAKES.

I am currently working on a BIG EVENT for The Spawn's school that will happen this Saturday, October 17th and involves bouncey castles, arts & crafts, games, magic shows, face painting, a crafts fair & A PETTING ZOO.

Right now I am walking the tightrope between feeling wonderfully excited and fearing that the whole event will be a Disaster of Huge Proportions. Should my head explode at some point, I hope someone will mention in my eulogy how very nice my posters were, and how they always had sparkly shiny glitter.

When I come back next week (yes, i said next week. Unless someone wants to VOLUNTEER a guest blog. I WILL! I WILL! wait..what was I saying?) I will write about Blue's visit, about Deb's fabulous and tasty card, and how I sent Kreg on to other people. Stay Tuned Chickens.

Friday, October 09, 2009


Dear Chickens-

Where do I begin? What a week I've had with Kreg in the cit-ay!

When Kreg first arrived, I was a little short on cash. We needed some fun money to paint the town red. So I put him right to work.

It was clear when the day's take was a cigarette butt and a Canadian nickle, that I needed to find some other way to generate income. Plus, Kreg was grumpy. "I am a Serious Musician, damnit" he said to me "Surely you can find some way for me to use my God given talents." So I found him a gig in Times Square.

But his earnings decreased as the temperature dropped. So I had him pretend to be deaf and ask for money on the subway.

But everytime a person would go to donate he would mix up the hand sign for THANK YOU with the Vulcan hand greeting and blow the whole deal. Next morning when we hung around Rockefeller Center, I got another idea.

We decided he should pose as an obscure and forgotten child actor and come forth with shocking revelations that involved a stint in rehab and an affiliation with Scientology. This plan worked right away.

He killed it on Conan and Letterman.

Dave said he thought Kreg was cute. So anyway, we were rolling in dough so we could finally go out and do some of the New York stuff that Kreg had been asking to do since he arrived.

And we had fun. Serious fun. Right up until here:

Once I save the bail money, I'm sending him to someone else for a visit. I am EXHAUSTED.

Monday, October 05, 2009

THe KReGMaN CoMeTH (f i n a l l y)

Kreg is obviously a man who thinks BIG. I mean REALLY REALLY REALLY BIG. This card arrived from him today:

What better way to show some love for a Mommy Blogger than to send her some big love? This card is over 7 feet long (I am sure Kreg will post the exact dimensions in comments--you know how confused I can sometimes get about exact lengths) and has the words "glitter, glitter, glitter" across his fly-which I know is making my father SO PROUD at this moment. I am posting a link to Kreg's blog here, but please note that it is totally raunchy for mature audiences only and could possibly get you in trouble at work.

So Chickens, here's the deal. I officially declare all this week KREG week. We will take this larger than life Kreg with us to all sorts of exciting places this week. Email me with your suggestions for what to do with Kreg at L V Mud (at) a ol

Best suggestion wins a fabulous ONIM Halloween Item. Suggestions accepted through Wednesday 10/7. Remember to email 'em to me so the surprise isn't ruined if we pick yours.

P.S. No Thystle, I will not do that.

Thursday, October 01, 2009


Top three reasons for not blogging or visiting YOUR blog this week:

1. The Banana has a cold--the kind of cold that makes the space between her upper lip and her nostrils an angry and perpetually wet shade of red. The kind of cold that has you waking up in the middle of the night wondering if an errant basset hound has found its way into your apartment and is making that annoying barking-cough noise. The kind of cold that makes the following ACTUAL & TRUE exchange we had in the bathroom yesterday morning that much more horrific:

BANANA: Mommy, do you use (cough, sniffle, cough) your tongue cleaner on your toothbrush much?
ME: No, not really.

At which point it dawns on me that her shocking pink electric Barbie toothbrush doesn't come with a tongue cleaner, and as I look down at my own brush clutched in my hand, I realize she means MY TOOTHBRUSH. When a disgusted look passes over my face, she shrugs and says "What? You said when I was in your tummy we shared everything."

I must make time to buy a new toothbrush, chickens.

2. I use AOL. It is a version of aol that arrived to me via pony express in a tin can, FOR FREE about ten years ago. It is THE BEST email program ever invented--they even stuck a guy into it that tells you that "You've Got Mail". Well, this weekend nine years worth of email addresses and contact info just POOF disappeared from my address book and file cabinet. One minute they were there and all my stalking info was at my fingertips, next minute blank screen. The AOL man should have said "You've Been F@#$Cked." So we had to call the kind customer service people in India and run virus scans, etc. and long story short a nice AOL rep named Dan retrieved my data for me, but I had to RE ENTER IT BY HAND. 702 email contacts alone.

And chickens, some of that info was so out dated that I had dead people in my address book, I am not kidding. Apparently there IS a virus that can get into your mail even if you have a MAC. I don't know how I caught it-I did not share my tongue cleaner with anyone on the internets. I just know that going forward when I see those MAC/PC commercials, I am always going to be imagining the cute MAC guy has crabs.

3. It is 57 degrees here in New Yawk and I just sent the Spawn to school--again--in shorts & crocs because I cannot find the box of Fall/Winter clothing that I know I put away so carefully last year. You will find me this weekend at Tar-jay.

Perhaps next week shall be better.