Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Irrational Fears

I have several. In no particular order, they include:

1. PAN FIRES. You're happily cooking something in bacon grease, then woosh, a fireball appears. Inexplicably, I have had this fear since about the age of 14. I try to avoid frying at all costs, because in addition to fearing pan fires, I fear that if a pan fire actually DID occur that I would try to put it out with water--even though I know you are supposed to smother it. This fear causes me to keep a bag of flour close by anytime I am working on the stovetop. I need paxil before making the kids a burger.

2. GEL TRAYS. This is an irrational fear of someone trying to make a model of my underbite. Think huge, gag inducing plastic tray filled with something vile and gooey. I think this actually happened to me around age eleven when I got braces--but the memory is hazy and I'm not planning hypnotherapy anytime soon.

3. MY CHILDREN WILL CHOKE ON POPCORN. "Dad-can you rewind? Mom is standing in front of the t.v. telling us to eat one piece at a time again. And will ya make her move that Heimlich Maneuver poster out of the way too, please?"

4. SEA SNAKES. I don't actually know what type of water these things swim in, but MY GOD I am always hoping it is seaweed brushing up against my thigh.

5. THROAT CULTURES. I know they aren't so bad; so it's not really the wooden swab that causes my heart to pound and palms to sweat. It's the fear of vomiting all over the person who is going to stick that stick down my throat. Why can't we come up with a way for testing for strep that involves spitting into a cup or something? That's a walkathon I would pledge to.

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