Vacation-all I ever Wanted, Vacation Happy to Get Away

So, since Jesse has a gazillion absences--enough to possibly keep him back next year and force him to repeat Kindergarten, we are taking a few more "mental health days" and going on vacation. How bad can truancy really be if it has the word TRU in it--for me--that means if I TELL them we are taking a vacation then those nice women in the office really aren't going to do anything bad. (Ok-so I lied about Disney in September and God punished me by smiting the children with coxackie which caused them to miss an additional week of school but WE HAVE THE MEMORIES). At the end of the day, I'll be proud to split a beer with my high school dropouts and regale them with "The Time Mommy told the Principal you had Strep Throat but we Really Went to Charleston Because Mommy Said if she didn't go Someplace with a Pool she wasn't going to be Responsible for What she did to Daddy."

I am looking forward to the trip. I kind of know the routine by now:

-I will spend five days packing but will forget something essential. One year it was bottles. The next it was underwear for everyone. The highlight of every vacation is when Kip turns to me and says: "You didn't forget to pack the (fill in essential here) did you?" And I will shoot him a look that says "I'll show you something REALLY ESSENTIAL if you continue looking at me that way- as if I am not perfect- and if you thought the kids needed bathing suits to swim then maybe you should have helped with the packing Mister" and then we both load the kids into the car and go find a TARGET anywhere we happen to be. We will spend an obscene amount of money on a bunch of stuff we obviously need and a bunch more that we needed but didn't know we needed. Everyone leaves happy-with VACATION MEMORIES. And stuff. Lots of stuff.

- I will look at my children with adoration for the first few hours after we arrive at our destination. Then I will start looking for the playdates that will keep them from tugging at my skirted swimsuit bottom and asking me to do stuff, like pretend to be Boots on an Adventure with Dora. If I can't find a strange child in the vicinity to play with my children, I start looking for people to pay. If I can't find either, I hit the sauce hard. I'm told I do a mean Spongebob when I'm half in the bag-and the children look so nice when they are a bit fuzzy around the edges.

- The spray on tan which looks SO GREAT four hours after I get it at the salon will start to fade within hours of arrival at our destination. I will attempt to prolong its life by refusing to swim, bath or shower for as long as possible. This will make family members avoid me. Except the children, still tugging at the bottom of my skirted swimsuit...

-I will be relieved to be away from the office for about 12 hours. After that, I will have Kip set up the lap top. I will keep my Email open and every half hour walk by it and if nothing new appears, will keep desperately clicking the "mail" icon--as if all it needs is to be refreshed and the missives will pour in. I will devour spam. Then I will start drunk Emailing people and Googeling odd aquaintances. I will hit bottom when I actually Google myself.


- Did I actually say that I spent 5 days packing? Because in reality--it will be that I spent 5 days THINKING ABOUT packing. Over a chilled glass of pinot. I have aplan for vacation, oh yes, I do.

Off to CHARLESTON tomorrow.