Tuesday, May 22, 2007
1. Fall in love with a man who has only had dogs his whole life.
2. Make it clear right from the start: Love Me-Love My Cats.
3. Force him to interact with the cats. Encourage the cats to walk across his lap while the two of you are snuggling on the couch, and make sure the cat sticks its butt directly into your boyfriend's face on more than one occasion. Let your new boyfriend see the advantages to having cats: allow him to blame his gas on them.
4. Say things like "He must really like you! He never humped MY sweater!" Encourage the boyfriend and cats to bond by leaving them alone together often. You will know boyfriend has reached optimum level of acceptance when cat vomits up a large hairball on the bed while you are in the middle of sex, and he does not skip a beat. (Note: Not that I ever actually had that experience, being a VIRGIN until my marriage to Kip and all. Hi Dad! Thanks for reading my blog!)
5. Marry the boyfriend. Take the cats to the vet as a couple. Spend large amounts of money trying to cure the older cat of whatever ailment is causing her to poop on the bed. Spend large amounts of money getting cat's teeth cleaned, switching to special cat food, and laundry bills for the comforter. Figure out thousands of dollars later that the reason the cat is pooping on the bed is because she is eating the houseplants. Be patient with husband when he says "NEXT TIME THAT DAMN CAT GOES TO THE VET IT WILL BE THE LAST TIME."
6. Get pregnant. Show husband the paragraph in "What To Expect When You Are Expecting" that says pregnant women cannot empty the litter box. Don't let on that once he takes on this chore, IT WILL BE HIS TO DO FOREVER. If he starts to backslide or whine, just get pregnant again.
7. Realize for the first time; O MY GOD-- your cats are not your children... now that you have actual children. Begin to see them as two more mouths to feed and two warm bodies THAT WANT SOMETHING FROM YOU. Try to remind yourself of the advantages of having cats by allowing the baby to grab onto one's tail and put it into her mouth, while the toddler mounts the back of the other one and rides him like a pony. Put them between you and husband in bed when he comes home from a night out of drinking with the boys. Cry into their soft fur at times when you cannot easily see an end to 3 A.M. feedings and complete exhaustion.
8. Realize your children love the cats when they start to include them in their crayon drawings of the family. Realize your husband loves the cats when he comes home from the grocery store with treats for the kids, and a jar of liver flavored POUNCE TREATS.
9. Wake up one day and discover cats are about 120 years old in cat years. Allow husband to take the one who is infirm and unable to eat, to the vet...for the last time. Fall in love with husband all over again when he cries afterwards.
10. Listen to your daughter continue to say to complete strangers "My cat died two weeks ago" after 8 or 9 months have passed, and realize she is going to grow up, fall in love, and convert some dog lover herself someday.