Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Where Angelina Jolie gets her Superpowers From

The middle of the night began like any other. Jesse arrived beside our bed at approximately 2:30 AM and announced, as usual, that he had to pee. Kip grumbled his standard response which alluded to the fact that the bathroom is ON THE WAY to our bedroom, and helpful facts like: " no self respecting boogeyman would hide in a toilet anyway-they prefer dry places like under your bed or in your closet", blah blah, blah while he accompanied Jesse on business, and we began our nightly game of Musical Beds.

I am starting to think that maybe Jesse doesn't have the major sleep issues we have always believed he has. I am starting to suspect IT IS ALL ABOUT THE MATTRESS. Last year, Kip and I did some major wheeling and dealing with a friend of a friend who is Heir to a Mattress Empire, who made a single phone call and got us an INCREDIBLE DEAL on a mattress that is worth a gazillion dollars. We don't own a house; but we proudly invested in one hell of a mattress. Reminds me we need to make a will. There could be a lot of fighting over that thing.

So as I took Jesse's place in his crappy Ikea bed while he snuggled down in my bed on my warm spot no less, it occurred to me that maybe if we got the kid a better mattress he might stay in his own bed most nights. Or-at least I would sleep more comfortably. And with this thought, I began to drift off to dreamland...

Only to be awakened by Annie; who is usually such a sound sleeper we have to hold a mirror under her nose to make sure she is breathing. Nothing will get your heart going faster than a high pitched whine that BUILDS and BUILDS til it is a BLOOD CURDLING SHRIEK. So I jumped over to her bed in the darkness--where she lay screaming and kicking her feet and whaling her arms. I attempted to pick her up-and if you want to know what this feels like, open a blender one day while it's on PUREE and put your face into it. The conversation goes something like this:

ME; Annie-what's wrong honey?
ANNIE: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
ME: Do you not feel well? Are you sick?
ANNIE: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
ME: Annie, can you please stop kicking me in the nose and tell me what is wrong?
ANNIE: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
ME: Do you want a teddy bear (Waaa/Kick combo) Do you have an earache? (Waaaaa/ Head butt into chin) Do you want a blanket? (Particularly offensive--response is a double kick to clavicle) DO YOU WANT ME TO BEND STEEL WITH MY MIND???
(At this point I am thinking; Emergency Room. Because I would love to explain to a group of doctors at 3:20 am that I had to come in because I DON"T SPEAK WAA.)
ANNIE: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
ME: (Head in hands. Bad flashback of Nights 2001-2003.)Annie.....Please. Let Mommy Help You.
ANNIE: Waaa Waaa Waaaa
ME: Wait---did you mean (Hallelujah music plays here) Waaaaaaaa-ter? Water? Is that it? DO YOU NEED WATER? BECAUSE MY GOD---I CAN DO THAT!!!
ANNIE: In my Hello Kitty Cup with ice to the top.

So I ran to the kitchen and Kip met me there and we worked as a team to locate the Hello Kitty Sippy Cup and fill it with the appropriate amount of ice and bring it to her, at which point she insisted we fetch a flashlight so that she could SEE REALLY SEE that we had not been stingy with the ice and that it was, indeed, FILLED TO THE TOP.

Two sips and she was out like a light.

I went to bed thinking that the next day I would work on solving problems that were a little easier: like how to bring about world peace or what to do about global warming.

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