Monday, June 23, 2008

Uno... Dooce....


First of all, I am not Heather B. Armstrong, and this is not her web site. If you are a fan of the GREATEST BLOG EVER WRITTEN BY A REFORMED MORMON ON PROSAC and have stumbled across my musings through the ad placed on www.dooce.com, I want to say "Welcome" and apologize for all this garish purple... and the complete lack of flicker photos... and the fact that I am a Cat Person. I am to Heather B. Armstrong what Britney Spears is to Audrey Hepburn.

Then I want to tell you to immediately LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS. Because under pressure I am about as funny as an Avocado. (See? Heather would have used something like Mango. Or CROUTON.) Frankly, I suggest to get Full Enjoyment of this blog that you do a shot EVERY TIME I TYPE IN CAPITALS.

And then, for gosh sakes, please COMMENT. Because Dooce readers are fearless about their responses, while MUD readers--such as my fellow PTA Executive Board Members-- traditionally just send me discreet private Emails that say things like "May I Respectfully Suggest that you Refrain from telling the Board of Education to SUCK IT."

Heather & I share a few similarities. We are both blonde--although I have to admit I question sometimes if her carpet matches her drapes. We have both had skin cancers removed. We both have big, dark haired lumbering husbands that fix things for us. (Jon fixes Heather's computer issues. Sexyhusbandomine fixes cocktails.)

But mostly we are a study in contrasts. She lives in a beautiful house where there are mountains and they complain about the cold all the time. I live in New York in a loft apartment that looks like someone smoked crack before hitting Ikea. Her child was born with a few special needs. I screwed mine up all by myself. She faithfully records each developmental milestone and writes beautiful tributes to her daughter every month. I may ocassionally blog about Complicatedboy or Thebananna but most of the time I am yelling at them to LOWER THE VOLUME ON THOSE G-DAMN BACKYARDIGANS FOR CRIPES SAKE MAMAS GOT A BLOG TO WRITE.

I once sent Heather B. Armstrong a mug I made. One side said DOOCE JUICE and the other said I AM HEATHER B. ARMSTRONG AND THIS IS MY MUG. Then I made myself a mug that said STOP BEING ALL CREEPY STALKERISH.

Anyway, if you found your way to me through her--again--WELCOME. If you are lucky, you can follow the breadcrumbs back.

12 comments:

Sandyk199 said...

Breadcrumbs not necessary darl, I like you. You're my new bookmark, and I promise you that when I'm reading I'll try not to think about Heather too much. I'll resort to "ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod" so that I don't call out the wrong name ....

Shelley said...

I thought you were plenty funny, especially the part about the discreet email requesting that you not tell the board of education to SUCK IT. Which is something I've always wanted to do, especially when I was employed by one as a very unhappy, underpaid and underappreciated English teacher.

Will your husband make all visitors a cocktail? I operate on the principle of it's being five o'clock somewhere and I could go for a rum and Coke right about now.

Watson said...

I did find you by clicking the ad on Dooce, and don't sell yourself short -- Girl, YOU FUNNY!

Incidentally, I also clicked through to a site all about hemp diapers and BPA-free bottles, but then got totally stressed out about how I'm poisoning my babies with various plastics and toxins and screwing Mother Earth will all our disposable diapers and thought:

ACK! Let's just click back on over to Our Name is Blog and focus on something light and distracting...and I mean that in the BEST possible way!

I'll be baaaaaack...

Lorrie Veasey said...

sandyk199--that's fine, as long as you leave me cab fare on the dresser on your way out.

LeftyMama said...

I, too, came here from Dooceville. Now I'll have to add another blog to my guilty pleasure list of classy, boozy, wiseacre ladies who help me feel normalish. See you tomorrow!

Adria Sha said...

I remember the mug. I thought it was clever!

Tash said...

Heather B. is funny and all but you are a hilarious biznatch! There's so clearly room on the cyberspace playground for you both...AND your awesome sounding mug. And I agree with Shelley...I'm into cocktails...is it 5 somewhere yet?

Lisa L said...

Love your blog. Got you on my 'favorites'...

His Girl said...

thanks for the welcome- glad I tumbled over here- you are a hoot!

Fweetieb said...

I found you through Dooce, and I'll be sticking around. OMFG - you are hilarious. Just what this pregnant mom who is slowly losing her mind as her weight gain increases, needs. But enough about me...I need to read up on your doin's.

Rowena said...

I think you're as funny as my 3yo thinks Little Bear's shenanigans are funny. That's a lot of laughs.
I found you through Nachos.

I always wanted to make one of those Mud mugs, but never got around to it. And now I moved out of NYC. :(

Blue said...

onceuponatime, about a year into her blogging life, I stayed up all night and read every last post of Heather's blog. Reading it all at once, vs. a day at a time, is a different experience than most people have. And I noticed something. But first let me digress and bring up the Coke vs. Pepsi thing.

In blind taste tests, when given a tiny little slurp of each, Pepsi won out...which was the rationalle behind their national ad campaign in the 80s. But still Coke was more popular. Why? Turns out small sips are fine, but when you're drinking the whole can, Pepsi didn't go down as well as Coke. So what does this have to do with Dooce?

Reading the entire blog in one sitting was like drinking the can of Pepsi vs. a can of Coke. It didn't go down as well. I can see the popularity of her site for people who want a daily dose. But it's not a good place to quench thirst.

After a while the pattern was so predictable as to become monotonous. Going after the low-lying fruit in life, it reminded me of a comedian who resorts to the shock value of crass language to get a rise out of his audience. It's hard to come up with fresh material every day without resorting to this. I lost my stomach for it after just one night, and it never lured me back.

But you have! Here's to Diet Coke!