Sunday, August 10, 2008

The Short End of the Stick


Yesterday we packed our bags and took a leisurely stroll down Memory Lane.

Complicatedboy, The Original Narcissist, got a hankering to see what he looked like when he was a baby, so we dug out the dusty videotapes that we haven't seen in years. In total there are about five tapes filled with exciting footage like FORTY MINUTES OF BABY EATING CREAMED PEAS and DADDY FOLLOWING BABY IN WALKER FOR HALF AN HOUR.

Sexyhusbandomine does not physically appear on a single tape (because I Did Not Know How To Work The Camera--refer to post below) but he does star as the MASCULINE VOICE TALKING BABY TALK. For some reason I appear in PAJAMAS in Every Single Shot except the few minutes of Thanksgiving 2001 where I am wearing a Tent With Flowers.

Complicatedboy enjoyed the family filmfest, and when it was over, left through the backdoor to avoid the paparazzi. Sweet, patient, mellow Bananna asked us then if she could see HER baby films.

At which point we realize WE CANNOT FIND A SINGLE VIDEO OF THE BANANNA.

In utter denial, we buy time doing what we always do when we can't find something The Spawn really, really, really wants or needs: we blame The Nanny. The Spawn believe that The Nanny moves everything that is important. Telling them "Nanny must have moved it-we'll ask her where she put it first thing in the morning" usually allows us enough time to tear apart the house and present the missing object first thing in the morning--making Nanny A HERO. Or, if it is something that I threw out in one of my fits after reading the copy of Real Simple we keep in the bathroom, The Spawn can be counted on overnight to forget their original need or request.

But with dawning horror it occurs to Sexyhusbandomine and me that these videos may not actually exist. On average, Complicatedboy was up eleven times each night during 2002-2004. I became pregnant with Bananna while on The Pill, having pity sex with Sexyhusbandomine ONE TIME on New Years Eve (which I thought would hold him for the next six months)....and I think we were too damn tired to even realize what a miracle her conception was. So when she came along in 2003 I think it was a kinder, G-rated version of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD.

We continue to pray for a "Missing Tape" to appear. We will contact all relatives far and near to search their own archives. We may string together the stills we have into a montage and score it with "Isn't She Lovely." Or, we may put a call out on this blog for any of you who have little baby girls with blonde hair...if you could shoot a few minutes of your infant in low light and call her "Annie" we'd pay big bucks for the footage.........

10 comments:

Bj in Dallas said...

L
I am the THIRD of three! Sisters A & B were only two years apart, so they enjoy the equivalent of a Cannes Film Festival, while I might as well be the kid in the frame you are about to buy at Target-
That has stored alot of $$ in the Bank of Guilt I sometimes used on my mom-
Sorry, too, M2 has dark hair-
please let us know if the Nanny becomes a hero or a zero

TJ said...

We went through the same thing this week, only in my case, it was my sweet little Roxy, 2nd child who wanted to watch herself.
Unfortunately we found 3 full video tapes of #1, and 15 minutes of tape for Roxy.
I'd let you borrow it but includes 13 minutes of me pushing.

kwr221 said...

"having pity sex with Sexyhusbandomine ONE TIME on New Years Eve (which I thought would hold him for the next six months).."

Is it really bad that I laughed the loudest at this part? because I can relate to it the best - we all have those periods...

JenX67 said...

pity sex. my, i don't think i know what that is.(Finger inserted in dimple.) LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Miss Thystle said...

My parents were lucky that all us girls looked alike as babies - so alike that thanks to handme downs, there is an entire album of baby photo's for each girl. Maybe the pictures are of the right baby, maybe not. We choose not to look to closely.

I'd totally sell you pictures of M as a baby, but you know, um, I didn't really take many....good thing that SHE looks just like the rest of the baby girls, too! LOL.

kip said...

I feel bad about the lack of footage. But she'll survive. I was #3 and my nickname was "the other one." It just made me stronger. Oh, and it really was just one time.

Mrs. B. Roth said...

I could loan you some of current baby girl's footage, she's not blond, but she's dang cute and if I shoot in dim light, who would ever know?

You crack me up!

Downbeat said...

I feel like I read some study on how second children always get the short end of the stick when it comes to commemorating their childhood. Or maybe that was just something I dreamt when I was younger and spouted to my parents to convince them to not procreate again. Being an only child was far too much fun.

Megan said...

This post makes me laugh and laugh!

I do have footage of a baby, but alas she has brown hair and we were not calling her Annie... Dang it!