Sunday, August 10, 2008
The Short End of the Stick
Yesterday we packed our bags and took a leisurely stroll down Memory Lane.
Complicatedboy, The Original Narcissist, got a hankering to see what he looked like when he was a baby, so we dug out the dusty videotapes that we haven't seen in years. In total there are about five tapes filled with exciting footage like FORTY MINUTES OF BABY EATING CREAMED PEAS and DADDY FOLLOWING BABY IN WALKER FOR HALF AN HOUR.
Sexyhusbandomine does not physically appear on a single tape (because I Did Not Know How To Work The Camera--refer to post below) but he does star as the MASCULINE VOICE TALKING BABY TALK. For some reason I appear in PAJAMAS in Every Single Shot except the few minutes of Thanksgiving 2001 where I am wearing a Tent With Flowers.
Complicatedboy enjoyed the family filmfest, and when it was over, left through the backdoor to avoid the paparazzi. Sweet, patient, mellow Bananna asked us then if she could see HER baby films.
At which point we realize WE CANNOT FIND A SINGLE VIDEO OF THE BANANNA.
In utter denial, we buy time doing what we always do when we can't find something The Spawn really, really, really wants or needs: we blame The Nanny. The Spawn believe that The Nanny moves everything that is important. Telling them "Nanny must have moved it-we'll ask her where she put it first thing in the morning" usually allows us enough time to tear apart the house and present the missing object first thing in the morning--making Nanny A HERO. Or, if it is something that I threw out in one of my fits after reading the copy of Real Simple we keep in the bathroom, The Spawn can be counted on overnight to forget their original need or request.
But with dawning horror it occurs to Sexyhusbandomine and me that these videos may not actually exist. On average, Complicatedboy was up eleven times each night during 2002-2004. I became pregnant with Bananna while on The Pill, having pity sex with Sexyhusbandomine ONE TIME on New Years Eve (which I thought would hold him for the next six months)....and I think we were too damn tired to even realize what a miracle her conception was. So when she came along in 2003 I think it was a kinder, G-rated version of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD.
We continue to pray for a "Missing Tape" to appear. We will contact all relatives far and near to search their own archives. We may string together the stills we have into a montage and score it with "Isn't She Lovely." Or, we may put a call out on this blog for any of you who have little baby girls with blonde hair...if you could shoot a few minutes of your infant in low light and call her "Annie" we'd pay big bucks for the footage.........