Wednesday, December 17, 2008

MR. PiNK,BLaSTeR OLLie, aNTS & TRoPHieS

I'd like to take a moment to vent about my recent Holiday Guests.

First: Mr. Pink. Mr. Pink is a powder pink stuffed kitten that Banana has had since she was born. (Because Cat People are like that. We convert them at birth.)



Mr. Pink has been living the past year quite happily in the shoe bags I have nailed to the wall to hold Banana's menagerie-and by menagerie, I mean piles and piles of stuffed animals--each with its own name and catalogued in that steal trap of a five year old brain she has. This means that if I try to sneak the straw-stuffed lobster she won at a carnival last summer into the Goodwill bag, she will all of a sudden start screaming: WHERE OH WHERE IS LARRY LOBSTER MY GAWD MAMA MY LOBSTER HAS GONE MISSING as if the thing was a child she'd lost on a mall excursion.

I don't know what brought about Mr. Pink's sudden popularity, but as of the past two days he has been everywhere. If you're making brownies, Mr. Pink has to stir the batter. If you're taking a bath, Mr. Pink insists on bubbles. This morning Mr. Pink decided to be the voice of Banana as in : "Mr. Pink says Banana would like Leggomyeggos this morning for breakfast" and "Mr. Pink says Banana would prefer to wear the pink tshirt as this green one is scratchy." I would be fine with this-except it reminds me of a Tales From the Crypt episode and I keep thinking any minute I'll be chased into the bathroom where a paw weilding a steak knife will slash at my bare feet under the door...but maybe that's just me. And I am sure I am imagining his little eyes following me around the room.

And speaking of eyes....



Our second guest, Blaster Ollie, is our house elf. Banana had christened him "Ollie" but ComplicatedBoy insisted on adding the "Blaster," which makes him sound like a midget ex-pornstar. Every night he flies back to the North pole to report on the behaviors of The Spawn, and each morning he's found hiding in a new place. Except the nights Mommy and Daddy have cocktails--then he tends to stay right where he is. Lately, he's been exceptionally lazy.



This is our third guest--or guests. We got this ant farm from the Discovery Store-and it is awesome-I totally recommend it to anyone with kids for a Holiday present. We were skeptical; having had to flush the last batch of Grow -Your- Own -Animals down the toilet when the tadpoles refused to turn into frogs and even after six months remained mutant slimy green things that smelled. But the ants are great and very industrious. Only down side I see is that watching them work and communicate with each other will put you off things like frying them under a magnifying glass or crushing them underfoot: it's obvious they are intelligent, sensitive creatures and as long as they are not in my sugar bowl, I say Live and let Live. I guess I am lucky they haven't come out with Casa Cockroach.

And finally: you all wrote wonderful, heart wrenching, gut churning, and side splitting posts on your worst gifts.




There were so many good posts that I CAN'T DECIDE! So Mr. Pink will say it for me: EVERYONE WINS. Literally. If you posted, email me your address at L V Mud at aol dot com and everyone who played gets a little sumpin sumpin. Cuz you are all wonderful people and I heart you, and it's the least I can do if you were given a burlap sack, an Applebees tray or two weeks without pay--I'm just sayin.

25 comments:

sheila said...

See Lorriem you just taunt me with your gifts and prizes. You will coerce me into a blog by next year, won't you?!

Congrats to the winners! They were all really funny. I have to admit,I thought the Applebee's tray was hysterical!!

Miss Thystle said...

when I first read that I thought you were going to GIVE us an Applebees tray or a burlap sack or two weeks with out pay and I'm like WTF? Then, I used my excellent reading comprehension skills and can I just say I'd like a bottle of wine?

KLS said...

YIPPEEE!!!!!

KLS said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
zakary said...

LOL! This post is hilarious! I know exactly what you are talking about as far as the girls and their stuffed animals. Zoe will see me bagging up stuff for Goodwill and all of a sudden scream, "YOU CAN'T GIVE AWAY FRANK! I WON HIM FROM THE TOY CRANE AT DENNY'S ON FEBRUARY 3, 2004!" Annoying!

I'm going to find the Applebee's tray and send you a picture of it! It's really the gift that keeps on giving.

zakary said...

Oh, and my favorite? The person that got the wine bottle full of popcorn kernels.

That's just mental abuse.

Spatula said...

So why is the elf so worried about his fam'ly jewels? Just what goes on in that Christmas tree of yours?

Blue said...

i love ant farms. i told my dh if i were on extended bed rest that i'd want an ant farm to entertain me when i was sick of tv and reading. they're mesmerizing.

congrats to all the people who played by the rules! i'm making due with my red lego ♥ and 39 Forever poster.

Have yourself a merry little Wednesday everyone!

Jennifer said...

BOOYAH! I knew I'd get something out of that crappy sweatshirt.

And you are brave to have the ant farm in the house. I would be afraid those little buggers would get out and wreak havoc in my house.

Shonda Little said...

That ant house rocks. And as I type that I have visions of my boys scattered the pesky bugs all over the house. Little toots.

Rachel@just another day in paradise said...

that is the creepiest elf I have ever seen. . .

Rachel@just another day in paradise said...

but I love the guilt, um, accoutability that goes with it. . .

kwr221 said...

Wow! You have a LOT of holiday spirit!

(Must be the effect of that cute sweater!)

MY DD won't let ANYTHING go either. Even Happy Meal toys and things my MIL got her from a garage sale. Ugh. (and I LOVE garage sales)

Until recently - now she has her whole room torn apart and I have to check each trash bag that leaves to make sure there are no family treasures (not to be confused with family jewels) or dead animals being tossed out.

And I think I already got my little sumpin sumpin. :-) Thank you! I <3 you.

I still think we should email the link to your blog to the Greek cutie.

Jane! said...

Well, that runs totally paralell to the way my luck's been going lately.
I think it's obvious that Banana finally realized that she needs a spokesanimal. She must have held interviews and selected Mr. Pink. Maybe he'll rep her into becoming the newest VS supermodel for the Pinky line of little girl thongs. Bad Mr. Pinky! Could buy LOTS of wine for Banana's mommy, though.

Natasha said...

It's so great to be back here...I'be missed ya!! Ollie Blaster the midget pornstar had me on the floor...umm, that didn't sound right did it? I laughed so hard...and I am SO going back to hear about the bad gifts..I'm intrigued by the tray

rpc said...

I'm still happy with my last prize, so no need to send me a little sumpin.

It is very sad to think just how bad some gifts are. If it is the thought that counts WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?

Debbie said...

I gave my middle son that ant farm last year and I loved the thing. Like you, I was skeptical at first. But those ants are addictive. And they made me a little mad because they are so industrious. I don't normally condone that sort of behavior around here.

Bj in Dallas said...

I love this story, M2 is the original packrat and she has every piece of FUZZ she has ever been given, glued, or found in a pocket. And names everything. I just tried to throw out the green silk roses in her room (gak) and she said NO, THOSE ARE SPECIAL..

Our Scottie Abner chewed off one of her dolls arms one day and she was hysterical and when I got home she had "Hailey" wrapped in an ace bandage and she was crying and rocking her back and forth. That $11 doll cost me $60 bucks to get an arm put back on...
But we had to.

Ant farms rock. Had several growing up, maybe I'll look into that as our next pets. Do they shed????????

KLS said...

ok, the elf is really starting to creep me out!

M.Thew said...

I second KLS. That elf looks like trouble.

Rachael said...

Your Banana and the Mr. Pink? Completely laughing over here, because I happen to have the 11 year old version of your 5 year old daughter. A few years ago, I tried to put the stuffed animals in a bin in the closet and she freaked because: IT'S DARK IN THERE AND THEY MIGHT BE SCARED! Also, once we dropped a Beanie Bear while out on a walk (we'd gone to the library) and she was so heartbroken. I told her "Erin" must have wanted to live at the library because she REALLY loved to read and not to take it personally. I still haven't been able to sneak any out on purpose though! :)

danaetc said...

Figures. I couldn't come up with a bad present in time and it would be the time where everyone wins!

I guess I should just count myself lucky to have gotten all good gifts in the first place.

You amaze me.

KAS said...

My mom has what I would literally refer to as an "ass-load" of those little elf things. I don't know if she has that specific red one, but she has a couple of others - all dressed in similar clothes. I remember one specifically that was green and white striped. They were all ugly, though. I think most of them got trashed by the dogs when they were puppies and the elves still got put out on the tree, or set out on relatively low shelves to tempt said puppies. I'm sure they could have become family relics if only their arms and legs hadn't been violently torn from their fluff-filled bodies.

Mama said...

you are completely right about cat people, we must be convert our children into loving cats at a very young age. I was an early cat lover and so is my son.... even though now I am starting to love puppies a little (might be because I have 1 demon cat and 1 angel cat that hate each other)

Racie Lover said...

I didn't post about my worst gift either given or received because quite possibly either my gifts are all incredibly tasteful or I actually don't give or get any. I think it's the latter.

I am going to post about gift bags, nativity scenes, etc. First I have to announce a winner of my Christmas glass and pick a Monday Music selection. So much responsibility when one has a blog...

Btw, Paco and I are hosting a Boxing Day party so maybe I will post a few pictures (after putting those little fuzzy opaque oval shapes over the guest's faces. You know, to protect the innocent, etc.