Tuesday, December 30, 2008

My SoN: THe PeRV


Dear ComplicatedBoy,

I don't know how it happened. One minute you were wearing a different Wiggles's shirt Every Single Day for an entire year, the next you were asking me what s-c-a-n-t-i-l-y-c-l-a-d spelled. One day we were cuddling together reading Clifford The Big Red Dog, the next you were in the bathroom for half an hour with the Victoria Secret catalog. You used to draw superheros. Last month we found that you had filled an entire notebook with boobs.

You are Seven. Which is like three, in Mommy years.

I complained to my friends who told me the problem was--as it usually is--Me and the Parenting Decisions I Have Made. Apparently, all the other boys in your class have known about the Birds and the Bees for at least a year now, while I was leading you to believe that babies came from hospitals.

Once my friends clued me in to the fact that everyone else in your class knew the Facts of Life, I became worried that you would learn an incorrect version of them from one of your buddies on the playground--I could just picture Dominic telling you that girls got pregnant from eating meatballs-- so I took the next opportunity-which happened to be a 45 minute car ride-to tell you EVERYTHING. I just blurted it all out in a matter-of-fact way from the front seat, and let you know it was ok to ask any questions, anytime. And you asked: CAN WE WATCH THE SCOOBY DOO DVD, ALREADY?

Maybe I told you TOO much, because the other day you announced that you were the "Go To S-E-X Guy." A Seven Year Old Dr. Ruth. Classmates were lining up for playdates with you.

"That's enough," I said firmly: " It's ok to ask questions, but you need to stop being the Sex Guru with your friends. It's not appropriate. You need to stop. WE NEED TO NIP THIS IN THE BUD."

You turned to me, eyes wide and said
"Mom... did you just say NIPPLE?"

I'm still hopeful that you'll turn out ok.

XO
Love,
mommy

32 comments:

Jennifer said...

That picture might be the funniest thing I've seen in a long, long time.

Shonda Little said...

Is that your son in the photo or just one you found to post for this because it is SOOOO awesome. Did you say nipple? He's a child after my heart.

Tracy said...

Ohhh... such fond memories of explaining the birds and bees to my then 7-year-old daughter! At least you didn't try to explain it by referring to what happened when our dog was in heat. I've scarred her for life, which I guess could be a good thing. :)

jenx67 said...

The other day while watching Deal or No Deal, my 3 year old announced, "They have boobs!" (Talking about the chicks with briefcases.) As they say, they're starting younger and younger.

Jane! said...

I think the truth is way overrated. I was glad to have the meatball version as kind of a buffer between innocence and the horror of the real story. I mean is any kid not totally freaked out to hear what goes on?
Everybody's all 'I don't want them to get the wrong story on the playground'. Why? Because they don't want their 8-year-old to be sexually ignorant????
Now I realize that it's a good way to give them a leg up on moving into Dr. Phil's job.
Love the peekture... I mean picture.
Oh, the 'menopause' story you told me? That's been an accurate description of my life for like 20 years.

Alan said...

Funny, great pic too. Hey, if she is showing them like that...
I think they all go through a stage like that. Have fun!
Be sure to visit tomorrow and play the Robot Nine Picture Puzzle.
Alan

Spatula said...

"I'm still hopeful that you'll turn out ok."

Bwaha, that ship has left the space station! The only thing left to do is to teach him to CHARGE MONEY for sharing the intel.

Braja said...

My that's young :)

KLS said...

I dread the moment I have to be a part of that talk with my children. My husband has already called "not me", but I told him you can't do that until you actually have the children. It's like calling shotgun before you see the car, you just can't do it!

Le @ third on the right and cold peas said...

Happy new year perv maker mommy :) le xoxox

Racie Lover said...

I learned about the facts of life from my friend Cindy's copy of "Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask" because I WAS afraid to ask and too embarrassed. That was a big no no in our household, as was bathroom humor, not excusing ourselves from the table or folding our napkin properly. No wonder I have an aversion to "all things scatalogical". Better you told him from the front seat of your car than he learn it from the back seat of his and then it's no longer "Hey Mommy" but "Hey Meemaw", "Granny" or "Mamaw" for you!

Hi, I'm Amy! said...

My wee boy is 2 and I'm scared for the day when this stuff comes up! We already had to stop doing mommy/son bath time because he thought flicking my nipples and laughing was fun. I think I might leave the birds and the bees stuff up to his dad. I hope the next 5 years go by SLOW... but i know they won't. Ugh.

Sheila said...

Oh wow! Between the picture & the Love Guru reference, I was snorting Raisin Bran over the computer. As a girl, I never asked. Like Racie, I was embarassed & it seemed like a big no-no in our good, Catholic house. So one day, home from school with chicken pox at age 10, my mom handed me a book. Then we had a 'talk' -- any questions she asked? I think the only thing I asked was along the lines of C-Boy...can I go watch Zoom now?

Miss Thystle said...

Oh Poodle, didn't I teach you ANYTHING? The trick to "the talk" is to GROSS THEM OUT with things like "someday someone will want you to lick them WHERE THEY PEE"

My M is convinced sex is the worst idea ever. I offered to let her watch porn to see that SOME people like it, but she just screamed and left the room...

powerrail said...

This is a true classic - I guess you got your mojo back!!

OHN said...

I am sitting here embarrased to say that I was MARRIED before I knew that there were more ways to have sex than "regular" sex. I asked my husband how gay men could possibly have sex when neither one has a vajayjay. He thought I was kidding. I wasn't. Wow, was I surprised.

Guess mom should have locked me in a car with her and talked a bit.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

We gave our son a book and said "Read this and if you have questions, ask us." The next time I saw the book, it was under his bed. I think it might have traumatized him. Then, the other day, the Evil Twin thought it would be fun to watch the "Transformers" movie with him (he's 10) and there was a big 10 minute bit on masturbation. Good times.

blairspage said...

Is that your son? Wow... I'm glad I have girls... I think! I just think it will be easier to talk to them. I hope anyway!

Hugs - Tiffany

zakary said...

Oh my, I'm cracking up! I think you handled it fine. Why do they have to grow up?

We aren't going to be able to go to Hot-lanta this year. We will be going to the Denver Show (I wish we weren't, they are such buttholes there).

Happy New Year!

Chandra said...

Oh that is sooo funny! Our boys are the same age and by gosh the day he starts showing interest in "boobs" I think I may cry!

Now, my 2 1/2 year old, he grabbed some Christmas bulbs from the tree a couple of weeks ago while I was in the kitchen cooking supper...he said "mommy, look...boobs"...as he's holding two christmas ornaments in either hand. I said.."I think you mean bulbs". He shook his head adimately then said "yea, boobs". So it begins...

Alan said...

Well at least give the Robot Nine Picture Puzzle a try!

Bj in Dallas said...

yeah well, we are approaching 12 years old here and haven't had the talk yet......she says no not yet...maybe she KNOWS and doesn't want to hear my version!!!!!!!!
I'm not going to demonstrate the Liberator or anything like that...
but I'll use better words than Super D did, thats for sure!!

ps. gotta love a boob man, I'm just saying

kip said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
kwr221 said...

We *just pulled in to the parking lot of our vacation condo, and a very pretty young thing asked if we had a key card to open the elevator doors....my chivalrous 13 year old hopped out of the car and ran to her assistance.

And then blushed when Dad asked him what floor she was going to.

Happy New Year!

KAS said...

I absolutely dread the day my little boy has to be told about sex. I know that he's going to start needing bits and pieces of the talk soon - like in a year or so when he's asking why he has a penis - but I don't want to think about what happens when I have to fully acknowledge that he's still my baby, but in a lot of ways, he's an adult.
Better you first than me! :D

Nadine Hightower said...

That's just too funny!!
"But I'm Hungry Mama!"

The Kitchen said...

Happy New Year!!
Lovin' my mugs - and your blog!

SOMETHING HAPPENED SOMEWHERE TURNING said...

Does that boys shirt say lick?

Andria said...

awesome post!

Debbie said...

Oh yeah. That was a real pick-me-upper post. I am just imagining him on the playground holding little info sessions.

LuckyMe said...

I'm with Thystle. Freaking them out is half the fun. I blurted it all out from the front seat of the car when the older two were about 9 and 6. Kept thinking it would get easier as they get older. WRONG! The earlier the better.

After that, at least I was more comfortable broaching things even if it still made them SQUIRM. hee hee.

kwr221 said...

When my son was wearing shorts last week (we were in FL) I noticed he had HAIR on his legs. A lot of it. I made him blush when I sort of hinted at asking him if he had hair in "other" places.

Hey, torture is half the fun.