Tuesday, August 11, 2009


In the spirit of celebrating the 5th Anniversary of my 100th Blog Post, may I present a special edition of BLOGS THAT NEVER WERE.

These are actual drafts, sitting dormant in my blogger account in cyberspace...until now. Here are the first sentences of Blogs Not Published in the past three months:

Since purchasing the complete collection of The Brady Bunch on DVD, we have figured out that going to church is unnecessary... Mike Brady is a Moral Hard Ass.

It's never a good thing when your husband calls you while he's naked in the bathroom and says "Honey, can you come take a look at this?"

I often make the mistake of thinking that if I didn't enjoy the food, that the calories in it are imaginary: for example, the whole bag of rice cakes I just consumed.

The problem with your kids acting up when you have guests over is that you can't beat them in front of the company, and later you're usually too drunk to remember what it was they did that made you want to whip the tar out of them.

I think it's time I shared my birth story with you all, Chickens.

It's DECEMBER and we have been late to school 22 times in the past four months because of ComplicatedBoy's bowels.

Dear Scuzzball who Stole My iPhone and thought it was funny to text me the word BITCH...

On a Scale of 1-10 for Mothers, 1 being NO MORE WIRE HANGERS and 10 being I HOMESCHOOL AND COOK ORGANIC, I consider myself a very firm 6.75 or 7.2.

While Sexyhusbandomine was doing shots at a house party, I was performing topless in an Athol Fugard play.

Chickens, I have been reading many of your blogs lately, and I have some advice for each of you....


Jen said...

I've always thought calories didn't count if you didn't enjoy the food. That just makes sense.

Krëg said...

I've been trying to figure out what to do with my dead posts. Cool idea.

Miss Thystle said...

you actually bought all the Brady Bunch episodes? Can I come over? I'll bring tequila and every times Cindy lisps, we'll do a shot. It'll be AWETHOME

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

Yeah, and what about everytime Bobbys voice cracks. Wait a minute...I can't do shots.
I am nearing my 100th post, but ever since Kreg made his little remark here I have looked at my dead post and started deleting them. So ofcourse that dropped my numbers. (sigh...)

Racie Lover said...

Was that an actual photo of SHOM's chest or a Google image. Depending on the answer, I would like to comment.

I, too, have a unpublished blogs, but obviously they did not pass my incredibly high literary standards in order to actually be posted. Perhaps we have both set the bar too high.

Ruby said...

Am I the only one who is concerned/interested in the birth story one?! OR THAT PICTURE?!

I need to know.

Like now.

Jane! said...

Were yours the bite-size caramel ones, too? Because anything that's bite-sized doesn't have calories like the multi-bite size does. Even when you consume... 12 servings in one sitting.

Um, what exactly did SHOY have to show you? Can we get pictures?

Natasha said...

Hot DAMN I've missed you...I love these dead posts...and yes...I think we need to know more about that birth story fo' shure

Anonymous said...


Bj in Dallas said...

damn, Michael Jackson had alot to say tonight.

Bj in Dallas said...

Thystle, I'm doing shots each time Alice mentions Sam the Butcher. I'll just have a good buzz, you and LV are gonna be drunk.

Virginia said...

f-u-n-n-y stuff, holy cow!

Debbie said...

Your unpublished first lines are better than my entire posts. No fair!

Debbie said...

Your unpublished first lines are better than my entire posts. No fair!

kip said...

that is not my chest

Blue said...

kip, we all knew that wasn't your chest. cause that chest isn't sexy, and we all know you are.

no worries, mate.

and in anticipation of your thank you: the pleasure, i can assure you, is all mine.