I Just Wanna Be Friends, New York

We are planning to move in June and frankly it can't come soon enough now that the terror alert is back up to sky high and it seems you can always hear the drone of a siren in the distance.

There are many things I will miss about New York--my friends, the culture, the hustle and bustle, the fact that I can pick up the phone and have scrambled eggs and a toasted bagel delivered to my doorstep in a matter of minutes...

But I will not miss this worry and tension.

Nor will I miss waterbugs. Waterbugs are what Satan keeps as a pet. They are ginormous roaches that are twitchy and very, very scary. They usually come out late at night. When you're alone. And they skitter right towards you as if they are going to grab your ankle.



Which reminds me of this TRUE STORY:

Every night, my friend Harold would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, and left.

The next night, after he finished his 3th beer, the doorbell rang.

He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Harold didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Harold and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Harold went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "

" What can I do? " he pleaded.

" Not much " he doctor replied. " There's just a nasty bug going around."