Under My Skin

So I have finally had my first removal of a "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT--DOES THIS LOOK WEIRD TO YOU" type of skin thing.

The first bit o' flesh they removed was beneath my left eye. When it first appeared on my face two months ago, I chalked it up to being yet another thing that GROWS ON YOUR FACE AFTER AGE 40. (Note to any of you among my 6 loyal readers who are still whippersnappers: IT'S NOT PRETTY...literally. We're talking hair growing out of your chin and other unbelievable places along with recurrent acne that will remind you of the Night Before The Prom in your Sophomore year. )

Anybody who knows me and knows that I proudly wore THE SAME SWEATER for five years running until it literally disintegrated, knows that I am the poster child for Anti-Vanity. How could I find time to dab a little concealer on The Thing On My Face when all efforts were concentrated in finding the t-shirt that covers my hips and makes my huge ass look a tiny bit smaller. It was only when the Weird Thing on My Arm started to grow and change, and become all red and brash and practically scream at me: I KNOW YOU USED TO SUNBATHE WEARING BABY OIL (which is, unjustifiably stupid because if you have ever seen my skin you will know that it is absolutely impossible for me to get a tan unless it comes out of a bottle) that I listened to Kip when he said for the 440th time: Maybe You Should Go See Someone About That.

And so I did, and the first thing they did was cut The Thing on My Face off with a laser. This was my first experience with a laser--and in my mind I was prepared for a burst of red light and perhaps a gentle buzzing sound, not the pain of a thousand bee stings and the smell of my charred flesh. From the corner of my eye I believe I saw SMOKE.

Then they took a melon scoop to my right arm and removed that Nasty Angry Spot and placed both tiny parts of me into little specimen jars which will be sent off to some lab and examined.

So please people: Wear Your Sunscreen. I know a very nice lady named Inga who will turn you a beautiful shade of kumquat with an airbrush for $40 bucks.

I don't know what has made me feel older today: The fact that I had these things removed, or the fact that I am telling you about it now.....