Friends, Romans, Countrymen...lend me your

ear.

Tonight I had a big chunk of my right ear removed--the price I paid for several years spent slathered in baby oil and iodine and trying to get highlights from lemon juice. The surgery was pretty much painless and (woopee) I got to read an ENTIRE ISSUE of Good Housekeeping which featured seven women who WALKED THEIR WAY TO SKINNY which is all kinds of inspiring (read: I'll start Monday.)

The thing about having your ear cartilage cut away with a scalpel is that YOU CAN HEAR IT and it sounds like the Pacman video game. Like Pacman on Red Bull.

I have seven stitches. I have finally done something that impresses my son. Who knew that the key to his heart was disfigurement? I would have cut off a few toes a long time ago had I known the injury would elevate me to such status.

Sadly, sexyhusband o' mine does not find the ear wound that attractive. In between trying to take pictures of it with his cell phone camera so he can show me HOW DISGUSTING IT IS he described it as rather oozy and wet. And if I weren't absolutely sure that his mother reads this blog (HI NONNEE) I would have something to say about his previous reactions to those two words.

The Constipated Blogger

So, in case you haven't noticed, I have been a little--shall we say "stopped up" --on this blog these past few weeks. Maybe it's because nothing interesting has happened lately in my personal life (skin cancer is really a bummer of a topic) or because I have become newly aware of the need to be hyper vigilant not to offend my current boss, any ethnic or religious group, family members, current friends and former acquaintances, and THE ENTIRE PTA OF PS11. Or maybe it's because in an effort to lose that last pesky 50 lbs I have foregone my usual nightly glass (read: bottle) of pinot grigio and as a result have totally lost my blog mojo.

Whatever the reason: the results are the same and now I fear that all three of my loyal readers are set to desert me for some blog by a mom who COOKS! or KNOWS CELEBRITIES! or DOES A GOOD JOB AS A MOM! It will just be me and my uber supportive Mother In Law (HI NONNEE) out here in cyberspace. So I turned to the most reliable source in times of trouble and I GOOGLED THE HELL out of blog topics.

The number one GOOGLE result is www.chrisbrogan.com/ 100-blog-topics-i-hope-you-write. And he starts off like this:
People often ask me how I come up with things to blog about, and I find the question strange, because my problem is the opposite. I have too much to blog about.

Which made me want to say: "well whoop-de-freeking-do Chris Brogan. You must lead AN INCREDIBLY EXCITING LIFE." But then I looked at the 100 suggested blog topics and here is a sampling:

How I Use Facebook
Should My Town Use Social Media?
Technology That Empowers Me
Twitter Jaiku Pownce Facebook
The Difference Between Fark and Truemors

WHAT THE HELL IS CHRIS BROGAN TALKING ABOUT ANYWAY? Because I have absolutely no idea what a Twitter is (distant cousin of Tweety Bird, maybe?) and Facebook is a place my young nephews hang out on and hope I never figure out. So Fark yourself Mr. Brogan. Where are the inspiring blog topics like: My Recent Trip To Kmart. Because I CAN RUN WITH THAT BALL. And by the way, Jacqueline Smith-not only beautiful, but what a designer.

Luckily-there is always a NUMBER TWO in Google and this was "The World's Largest Blog Niche and Topic Idea List" which sounds Mighty Promising, doesn't it? I was all prepared to SUPERSIZE ME a writing topic. So what a disappointment to find that these were the listed topics:

Adult Education
Your Brain & Learning
Campus Life
Education Reform
Home Schooling

I don't have a helluva lot to say about any of the above except maybe The Campus Life topic, but both my husband and my father are readers so I couldn't be truthful and WHAT FUN IS THAT. So we were back to square one, or Google #3, which pointed me towards www.timschmoyer.com and the "100 blog topics I Hope You Write" which again, SOUNDS SO PROMISING....
But turns out Mr. Schmoyer is a fan of Mr. Brogan and he basically just appropriated Mr. Brogan's list and put a Christian Right spin on it as follows:

How to use Facebook for Ministry
Technology I use in Youth Ministry

BUT THEN I SAW IT! Blog topic #18 on his list! Addressing Porn and Masturbation at Youth Group! Now THERE was a topic I could sink my teeth into! If I were not worried about offending my boss, any ethnic, religious or social group, friends and family and former acquaintances and that damn ENTIRE PTA of PS11.

Lindsay Lohan Has Great Taste

And I'm not just calling this entry that because I want to move up in Google! Behold this week's issue of PEOPLE magazine. That's our MOTHER tile hanging in La Lohan's room! It has a FEATURED ROLE in the opening credits of Dianah Lohan's new reality show on e.

I'm off to make a mug for the Spears girls.

Shameless Promotion

This is a shot from the June issue of Entrepreneur Start Ups magazine. Pick up a copy at your local newstand.

Almost Famous

I just got the news that I will be appearing beside Katherine Heigil in the movie The Ugly Truth which starts filming this week and will be released by Columbia Pictures in 2009. OK- I won't actually be appearing BESIDE her...more like BEHIND HER or ON HER DESK. It is also quite possible that the director will have her DRINK FROM ME. I was up for the part against millions of mugs and they chose me! I can hardly believe it! I may never have to waitress again.

I'll admit for a long time we were jealous of that PRINCESS mug that has been appearing regularly on Law and Order. Ever since she got that gig she has stopped returning phone calls and the only time we see her is if the paps happen to catch her leaving lunch at the Ivy. I've heard there's a possibility she is moving into Phoebe Price's cupboards.

But truthfully....what I really want to do is direct.

CLOWNS

In my previous post I wrote to a circus director that we both knew similar clowns. I need to go on the record that I meant ACTUAL CLOWNS. I was in no way referring to my family, co workers, friends, superiors, local union people or any ethnic or religious group I have had contact with in the past 44 years.

My friend Nancy Schwartz left Drew University, where we both were studying, to attend Clown College in Orlando. Nancy was four foot tall and she felt she could really carve out a future for herself if she could master the unicycle and learn how to cram thirty people into a Volkswagon Bug. I went to visit her on Spring Break and I can tell you that there's no fraternity in existence that can out-party the kids at Clown College. Two words: Naked Juggling.

As fun as that experience was, I admit to not being a fan of those who don the red rubber nose. Maybe it was Stephen King's book IT--in which he wrote graphically about a clown's face appearing in in the space between the sidewalk curb and the sewer grate. Maybe it was the fact that most children's party entertainers I met smelled of a mixture of flop sweat and beer. Or maybe it was Judy Collins singing ISN'T IT RICH, DON'T YOU AGREE. (Until recently I used to think she was singing ISN'T IT RICH, DON'T YOU LOVE TEA.)

Along with all the other odd proclivities and genetically programmed angst that I have passed on to Jesse, FEAR OF CLOWNS definitely ranks in the top 5 (Along with FEAR OF BALLOONS FLYING AWAY and FEAR OF CHOKING ON A PIECE OF POPCORN.) He was two the first time we encountered a band of them, randomly strolling on stilts through a restaurant, wearing clothing with patches and bright red smiles. Ours was the child that had to be physically removed from the setting, screaming hysterically at the top of his lungs, and obviously SCARRED FOR LIFE. Since then we must always be certain that anywhere we go is a CLOWN FREE ZONE.

Just like Pagliacci did
I try to keep my surface hid
Smiling in the crowd I try
But in a lonely room I cry
The tears of a clown

More Real Mail

The following message was sent from ournameismud.com by Al:

I recently received a gift from your company.  It is a desk plaque that reads "Impossible you say?  Nothing is impossible when you work for the circus."
I love it.  Do you know where that quote came from?  Who said it?  I'm more curious than anything else.  I am a circus director for Illinois State University. You see I actually do work for a circus and this motto applies to me very appropriately.  Any help on this issue would be great. 

sincerely,

Al


Hi Al!
Thanks for your Email. I'm so glad you like our plaque. As to who first said: "Impossible you say? Nothing is impossible when you work for the circus." the answer would be: Me. You see, I work for a circus too: except instead of three rings I have two different phone lines and a computer and instead of lions and tigers I have small children and an endless TO-DO LIST. But I think we both know similar clowns.


Kindest Regards,
Lorrie

Happy Mother's Day!

.
One of the ways that I try to balance Motherhood with Everything Else is to LIVE BY THE CALENDAR. It hangs prominently in the kitchen and Our Entire Lives are carefully noted on the Appropriate Dates. In addition to helping us avoid scheduling conflicts, we can be ready anytime Annie asks HOW MANY DAYS IS IT UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY--which is asked and answered at least three times weekly...for approximately eleven months at a time.

Lately, odd entries have appeared on certain dates. Last week, Tuesday May 13th, the entry read in bold letters: NO SCHOOL. I almost fell for it.... but in his eagerness Jesse had added the word "YAY" underneath.

Today is Mother's Day, and oddly enough the next two Thursdays are National Jesse and Annie Days. Apparently the calendar company has decided to add these holidays into May--along with the words "No Yelling Allowed."

Marry Sheree's Brother

(You can see a picture on Sheree's blog at www.musewarepottery.com)

This is my brother, Russell. He's 6'4" and around 210 lbs. He turned 50 on August 15, which makes him a Leo - fire sign - strong willed, opinionated, bossy, charming. He's handsome, wicked funny, a gifted musician and chronically single. While there is nothing actually wrong with him, he does work weird hours & often has to travel to make a living. The last time I counted, he had something like four (five?) cars and seven motorcycles. This alone may explain why he has never married. Who wants to park a block away?

This is a man who can fix just about anything - ok, your car or motorcycle but maybe not your broken furniture. He will make you laugh every day. He might cook you hot dogs or spaghetti but you'll have get the dishes out of the sink first. You'll need to seriously clean the bathroom. He'll write you a song and sing it to you and it will be poetic and romantic. You won't want to mess with his garage. I call it Man Land. And even though he tortured me as a child and I hated his guts, I'm very fond of him now so you'll have to share him. Our family is crazy. You'll need to be, too.

Back to Blog

Forgive me, dear readers, for leaving you hanging these past two weeks. Nothing really noteworthy happened this week with the exception of these two OMG moments:

I caught Jesse at the bathroom sink with a tube of self tanning cream that he mistook for Kip's hair gel.

and

I caught Jesse sitting at the keyboard hitting random keys--one of which happened to be DELETE--while my email was open on the screen. So if you haven't heard back from me, now you know why......