Thursday, June 26, 2008

I Can't Quit You



I HEART my new readers & commentators. Of course, I realize that we are in the early stages of our relationship, and that at some point down the road I could discover that you are rude to waitstaff, enjoyed the movie English Patient, or don't clip your toenails.. and it could be SOOOO OVER, but for now let's just enjoy this moment that has me singing every song I ever heard on AM radio. You are smart, funny, and KNOW THE PERFECT THING TO SAY. You are like typed Crack Cocaine, and worth every damn penny I spent to get some time with you. Should I reply to your replies? Should I go another week? Can you move in permanently next month? I know that you will tell me the truth...except when I ask if this blog makes my butt look big, which is your cue to suggest we order in Chinese Food. Just so ya know.

Let me down easy---cause I'm thinking this could lead to LINKS. Ah, *sigh* Love....

Yesterday when I went to pick up Thebananna and Complicatedboy at school on our scenic New York City block, which includes two porn shops and a Men's bar by the name of SADDLESOAP ( where all those NYC Cowboys gather), the crossing guard called upon me to act in my former role of PTA President and address complaints that one of the porn shops on the block was showing porn on the TV in their window.

Sexyhusbandomine waited outside the porn shop with the two Fruits of our Loins while I went in to speak to the manager. And for the record, if you ever want to make people in a porn shop nervous, just walk through the joint asking loudly "You work here? Hey buddy-you in charge here?" Because it was like I channeled a character from Law & Order SUV.

The Manager seemed like a nice enough fellow. He moved the toothpick from one side of his mouth to another to indicate interest, as I told him that I was the former PRESIDENT OF THE PTA and that I had received complaints about porn movies playing in the front window at 8:30 a.m. as our children made their way to school. And then he took me by the arm and walked me outside of the shop to stand in front of the window beside him.

"You watch" he said. And from the corner of my eye I spied Complicatedboy beginning to freak on Sexyhusbandomine 1/2 down the block, and screaming: "What is he DOING TO MOMMMMMMY? What is that BAD MAN doing to Mommmmmmmy?" And sexyhusbandomine was all like "He's making her watch TV, ok?" But I could tell he was worried for me. And for the record--Sexyhusbandomine had originally insisted that HE go in to speak to the Porn Shop Manager, but I overruled him-which right there tells ya that I was the Gal For The Job. Because if anybody is going to put the Kibosh on the Sausage, Sexyhusbandomine knows it is me. I HAVE EXPERIENCE.

So I stood in front of the TV with the Porn Shop Manager and watched the scene on the window TV as a dark haired young man ordered pizza by phone... And then got bored waiting for the pizza to come, and so decided to pour olive oil all over the upper half of his chiseled torso... And so was glistening and well oiled when the blonde pizza boy finally did arrive...And they did not so much as embrace as kind of slip beside each other...at which point the film spooled and dark haired young man was hungry for pizza yet again...

At that, Porn Shop Manager asked me "You see any intercourse? You tell me if you see intercourse. YOU SHOW ME THE INTERCOURSE..." And while I was going to say that technically, the two actor's conversation about the pepperoni counted as such, I didn't want to spend all afternoon talking with Porn Shop Manager while my own spawn and better half waited. So I said:

"I see no intercourse. I have no problem with this video. In fact, young dark haired stallion with the olive oil on his chest is a visual treat. And I am sure olive oil is a great moisturizer. In fact, I am going to suggest Sexyhusbandomine deals with his occassional excema in this manner. HOWEVER...8:30 am is a little early for a pizza delivery, dontcha think? And while i promise you I will stop EVERY SINGLE MORNING and watch the video start to finish--I cannot promise every other parent walking by will stop to see what the content is...SO...I am thinking in order to avoid a pitch fork and lantern situation you might want to keep the TV off at arrival and dismissal times."

Porn Shop Manager paused for a moment and say "Lady, you talk a lot, huh? I feel for your husband."

And with that he returned to his position behind the counter and I went to join my family and declared VICTORY! And Complicatedboy wanted to know what the deal was and I explained that we only allow 2-3 hours of tv a day and he TOTALLY GOT IT.

12 comments:

Kip said...

For the record, I do not get exzema.

Lorrie Veasey said...

O geeze, honey, what's the reason behind all that itching then?

Kip said...

That is just a nervous tick.

Tash said...

Do you think if it was Jake Gyllenhaal or Heath Ledger who'd been pouring oil on their bodies anyone would have minded Porn man's TV movie?

Marinka said...

I love the image of him leading you by the arm and asking if you see intercourse. So New York!

Anonymous said...

Pay as much as you want for as long as you'd like on Dooce but it still won't make you funny - Morgan

Anonymous said...

wow..I laughed at this. Just found you through dooce...i'll be back.

funny.

Lorrie Veasey said...

Morgan: I could tell by the linkback you provided to your own blog--Douchebagcity--that you are AN EXPERT on what is funny and what is not--so I am both honored and humbled that you chose to comment on my blog. Thank you for popping my cherry in terms of negative comments. (I hope I did not pass on Sexyhusbandomine's rash-erm, nervous tick.) And for the record, I am not advertising on dooce in the hopes that it will make me funny; everybody knows baloney doesn't change magically into roast beef just because you slap a little mayo on it.

jana from okc said...

I think you are too funny. I found you through dooce also. Who doesn't like pizza for breakfast?

The Recovering Lethargic said...

I think I would have minded if it was Heath and Jake. But as a man I have a different perspective.

Lorrie, you're funny! Much better than my crappy blog.

Sandyk199 said...

Hey Lorrie

I laughed out loud at your response to Morgan, well said! Hell, a bunch of us new readers popped our cherry by reading your website for the first time, but it's okay, we'll still all respect you in the morning.

As for your earlier reply to me about leaving a cab fare, I'm in Australia ... but what the hell. The exchange rate isn't bad, so I'll even leave you a little extra so you can get yerself something purdy ...

Miss Thystle said...

All *I* see on my morning trip is an old man flinging dog matter from his yard into the middle of the four lane street. While cars pass. Yesterday he hit a cop car.

Want to trade?