Monday, June 30, 2008

Scenes From My A Fair

Yesterday we went to the New Jersey State Fair. Ok, actually--we drove out to TARGET, and then just did the Fair as an afterthought. They say New York has everything--but a Real New Yorker knows if you want EVERYTHING you have to hit this shopping mecca on Route 3 in Joisey.

We are TARGET's ideal shoppers because we fool ourselves into thinking that just because it is in a Big Mega Store, that everything is super cheap. We're always shocked when we get to the check out--WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS ENTIRE CART FULL OF THINGS WE DON'T REALLY NEED IS HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS? WHAT KIND OF SUPER STORE ARE YOU ANYWAY?!? Remorse....Shame....Guilt....-the cycle begins, and can only be stopped with ice cream.

We hit The Fair with the few dollars we had left. We had steeled ourselves for Sunday crowds and were pleasantly surprised to find the parking lot almost empty- turns out many people actually listen to/watch weather reports. Not THE VEASEYS. we see a looming storm on the horizon and we just flash back to the cheesy video we watched of The Secret and imagine those clouds blowing right past. We visualize the heavens filled with light, and the entire Brady Clan singing "Sunshine Day."

The Fair is a really great place to buy expensive straw -filled stuffed animals under the guise of playing games of skill. And a place where all that is unholy about American Cuisine is gathered together; fried twinkies shoulder to shoulder with mystery meat on a kabab. It's where it's possible to gain ten pounds in an afternoon and then get your picture photo shopped onto a fake Sports Illustrated Bikini Issue magazine cover.

The kids had fun and rode a variety of rides--including a lap around a parking lot on the back of a camel; although we had suggested they hop on the elephant instead. As the sky grew darker, we had the brilliant idea to take shelter in the adjacent petting zoo tent. The petting zoo had an antelope, a blind kangaroo, fifty hungry and aggressive goats, a few lemurs, two donkeys, a cow, and a miniature pony. All housed behind minimal fencing so that you could pet them. We waited under the tent, safe and dry, as the heaven's opened up and the torrential downpour began.

Unfortunately, the elephant & camel ride and entire petting zoo tent were situated on the bottom of a sloped parking lot with no drainage. Ten minutes into the storm, the water began to rise. It was a mini tsunami under the tent--in fifteen minutes we were all standing ankle deep in hay- filled, brackish rainwater. Everything that had been in the pens with the animals now floated around our feet. We held Bananna up as the water swirled around us. Complicatedboy had a great time watching the water level rise and noting that the log- like objects which were floating past us appeared to be Elephant poo.

We had actually received a portend of these events earlier in the day, when Sexyhusbandomine realized that he had run his entire wallet through the washing machine on a double rinse cycle. Clearly that had been a sign--a warning from our Higher Power to stay home.

We stood knee-deep in what was pretty much a giant toilet bowl used by four legged creatures for approximately 45 minutes while Complicatedboy asked helpful questions like "When Is It Going To Stopppppp Mommmy?" and Sexyhusbandomine made helpful statements like "I wish we always traveled with Purell. You should always keep some Purell in your pocketbook. Purell would be good to have right about now." THEN the rain finally abated and the Fair Workers began pulling out pumps and Sexyhusbandomine commanded us all to jump in what he called "Clean Puddles" and I was like "Honey, this is JOISEY." The smell of wet goat clung to me the rest of the day.

This morning, Sexyhusbandomine said to me: "If you blog about the fair, make sure you write about how I Drowned the Clown." Because indeed, for $6 he threw ten baseballs at the offensive Bozo in a booth and did manage to knock him off his perch, after being called a Loser in front of Complicatedboy. And I am sure his shoulder will not require surgery.

A little dysentery is a small price to pay indeed for a day filled with such fun.


Kip said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kip said...

He actually called me "Looozah". You left out his Joisey accent.

Anonymous said...

WOW! That is really disgusting.

Great job with the clown though, Kip! You showed him who the real "loozah" is.

Miss you guys. I think I'm getting D.T.s


KK said...



don'toverthinkit said...

Hey Lorrie! greetings from Dallas-
had a 'similar' fair incident, when attachedatthehiponlychild said 'look at all that shit' at the Texas State Fair- I leaned down and whispered in her 3 yr old ear about not saying that and then all day she said 'can't say shit, can't say shit' even louder- the carneys offered her a job and a free tatoo

BTW-you are SO funny- thats why I'm here!!