Friday, July 11, 2008

Home Again Home Again Jiggety Jizz


I arrived home from Hotlanta late this afternoon. I will write more about my fabulous trip next week as well as slander and besmirch the fine reputation I know Delta Airlines has.

In addition to the hugs and joyous cries of "Mommy! You're Home! WHAT DID YOU BRING US?!?" I got "a report."

Let me just digress for a minute and say that that if anyone has a few million to invest ( an I know at least ONE of you who actually does) then a fine business concept would be a franchise of airport stores named something like "YOU CAN'T GO HOME EMPTY HANDED" or " GIFTS THAT ALLEVIATE GUILT." Because in the three hours that Delta delayed my flight home it amazed me that even as I shuttled from terminal to terminal all I was able to find was a cheap ass snowglobe and an Atlanta Braves baseball which Sexyhusbandomine is going to call blasphemous and probably throw into the trash while giving me the "We are Phillies Fans" lecture; which goes basically "Blah blah Phillies blah blah Eagles blah blah Dominic McNabb blah blah."

But back to the "report." Our Nanny, Shewhocannotlearnenglish, gestured in the usual sign language we use to communicate and pulled me into The Bananna's room. The solemn look on her face and her grave manner had me afraid that maybe the spawn had been SO AWFUL that she was giving notice. AND THEN I MIGHT HAVE TO WATCH MY OWN CHILDREN so you can imagine the horror.

But it turns out that it was not Complicatedboy or Bananna who had been in the doghouse whilst I was away. Ironically, it was Lenny the Hypercat.

In broken English and using descriptive hand gestures she explained that she had caught Lenny ON NUMEROUS OCCASIONS having sex with the stuffed animals that cover Bananna's bed. Apparently, Crocky the Crocodile had been grossly abused, along with Bunny the Bunny and Horsey the Pony. Fans of this blog will remember that my office chair used to suffer the same indignities when Lenny was at work with me. Maybe we should have sent him away to one of those Christian camps before we brought him home.

What perplexes me further is that I have a dim memory of having something essential to this act snipped when Lenny was a kitten- although- come to think of it- that action hasn't made Sexyhusbandomine a bigger fan of "Just a Backrub" either.

Shewhocannotlearnenglish washed all the victims and placed them high up on shelves that Lenny cannot possibly access. She stood there, arms crossed indignantly across her chest after pointing with disdain at Lenny who lay, smoking an invisible cigarette, across Bananna's bedspread. She waited to see what I would do.

If you think Sophie had a hard choice; try going through a shoe bag full of beanie babies searching for a sacrificial lamb. Except it wasn't a lamb. Lenny's designated girlfriend is a Webkinz Elephant. They make a great couple.

6 comments:

Mrs. B. Roth said...

I bet those were some interesting hand gestures ...

Kip said...

I was not neutered, I got a vasectomy (which I cannot recommend enough). Also his name is Donovan McNabb.

Electra said...

You are hilarious! Hope Hotlanta was fun. I have your "Because I said so" mug and I use it almost every day. You go, Mompreneur! I am one myself, so I can empathize- http://www.electrasmonograms.com/

Sandyk199 said...

ahhh memories ... I remember the shrieks of "yay! you'rehomewhatdidyougetme" ... (I was the shrieker, not the shriekee). Well done on the shopping girl, and welcome home.

Miss Thystle said...

LOL....oh, the joys of pets. My OldMan rottie did something unprintable to TinkyWinky the Teletubbie. But TinkyWinky seemed to like it.

Miss Thystle said...

and the "what did you BRING ME?" doesn't end when they're teenagers either.