Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Genius or Madness? The Jenny Craig Weightloss Center I visited this morning is right next door to a 24 Hour McDonalds. Everytime the glass doors opened, the scent of Big Macs & fries wafted into a waiting room filled with large thighed women. I love the smell of irony in the morning.
For a long time I have suffered from my own special kind of eating disorder. They don't have a name for it yet--but it is the opposite of anorexia. Unlike an anorexic whose warped body image makes them believe they are fat, I believe I look JUST FINE. Sturdy-which rhymes with purdy... Zoftig... Robust. Get me half a clam shell and I will rise proudly from the oceans. And the generosity of clothing manufacturers have only contributed to my delusions. If I am having a Chiccos kind of day; I am only a 3. A CHICCOS SIZE 3, people. If that isn't brilliant I don't know what is. Oh wait..yes I do: Talbot's Petite Woman...a lovely, lovely way to avoid saying short & fat.
Now that Bananna is going to turn five next year, the excuse that I'm still carrying the baby weight is wearing thin. So I have decided to eat pre-packaged food and take the Wii fit OUT of the box. Maybe I will get a jazzy pedometer and tell everyone who asks that it's an alcohol monitoring bracelet.
Everyone who works at this Jenny Craig is named Mindy or Cindy. They are skinny bitches in their twenties who are uber enthusiastic and Cannot Say Enough Good Things About The Chocolate Nut Bars!!! I kind of felt like I was joining a cult when they snapped my polaroid "BEFORE" shot, and actually stroked my hand when they revealed my BMI. Mindy assured me I could call her ANYTIME. Because she cares. She Really, Really, Really Cares. That will be a couple of hundred dollars please.
Then I told Mindy that I was willing to sacrifice the cookies and cream snack bits and the tomato florentine soup if she would work into my personalized meal plan a way to have 2 glasses of wine. She was accommodating at first and explained that if I gave up all salad dressing, on a weekend night I could certainly do that. But when I explained I was talking about working some Pinot into the meal plan EVERY SINGLE DAY she drew her mouth into a thin little line and primly snapped her Mind Body Soul Food Journal shut. Apparently wine has FAT CALORIES. Who knew? I am still reeling from the news.
It totally explains why I've actually gained weight on this liquid diet of mine.