Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Skinny



Genius or Madness? The Jenny Craig Weightloss Center I visited this morning is right next door to a 24 Hour McDonalds. Everytime the glass doors opened, the scent of Big Macs & fries wafted into a waiting room filled with large thighed women. I love the smell of irony in the morning.

For a long time I have suffered from my own special kind of eating disorder. They don't have a name for it yet--but it is the opposite of anorexia. Unlike an anorexic whose warped body image makes them believe they are fat, I believe I look JUST FINE. Sturdy-which rhymes with purdy... Zoftig... Robust. Get me half a clam shell and I will rise proudly from the oceans. And the generosity of clothing manufacturers have only contributed to my delusions. If I am having a Chiccos kind of day; I am only a 3. A CHICCOS SIZE 3, people. If that isn't brilliant I don't know what is. Oh wait..yes I do: Talbot's Petite Woman...a lovely, lovely way to avoid saying short & fat.

Now that Bananna is going to turn five next year, the excuse that I'm still carrying the baby weight is wearing thin. So I have decided to eat pre-packaged food and take the Wii fit OUT of the box. Maybe I will get a jazzy pedometer and tell everyone who asks that it's an alcohol monitoring bracelet.

Everyone who works at this Jenny Craig is named Mindy or Cindy. They are skinny bitches in their twenties who are uber enthusiastic and Cannot Say Enough Good Things About The Chocolate Nut Bars!!! I kind of felt like I was joining a cult when they snapped my polaroid "BEFORE" shot, and actually stroked my hand when they revealed my BMI. Mindy assured me I could call her ANYTIME. Because she cares. She Really, Really, Really Cares. That will be a couple of hundred dollars please.

Then I told Mindy that I was willing to sacrifice the cookies and cream snack bits and the tomato florentine soup if she would work into my personalized meal plan a way to have 2 glasses of wine. She was accommodating at first and explained that if I gave up all salad dressing, on a weekend night I could certainly do that. But when I explained I was talking about working some Pinot into the meal plan EVERY SINGLE DAY she drew her mouth into a thin little line and primly snapped her Mind Body Soul Food Journal shut. Apparently wine has FAT CALORIES. Who knew? I am still reeling from the news.

It totally explains why I've actually gained weight on this liquid diet of mine.

23 comments:

Scrappin Jenny said...

I saw your post over at my blog so I came to check yours out...

I gotta tell you...this post made me laugh. If you give up salad dressing you can have A glass of wine on the weekend? That is really unfathomable, isn't it?

kwr221 said...

#1 skinny young bitches should NOT work at weight loss centers
#2 if there were no drive thru fast food places, I would be thin. Becasue not only am I too lazy to cook a healthy meal, I am too lazy to park the car and walk in to order.
#3 my baby is now 10. I think I officially have wine and snack fat - not baby fat
#4 Try calling Mindy at 1 AM when you're wrestling for the last of Ben and Jerry's Rainforest Crunch (do they even make that anymore?) See if she's your BFF then.
#5 ANy diet that doesn't include wine can;t be good for you. Doesn't the AMA recommend a glass (or 2, who's counting?) of red wine each day to help your heart? I'm stickin' with that.

sorry - I lost myself for a moment - this is YOUR blog. oops.

Daisy said...

Good luck with that Wii Fit :) The hula hoop one is killer!

sheila said...

I agree with kwr221 -- will Mindy really, really be there for you? I think not. She's skinny & doesn't really care about us 'petite women'.
I remember scrimping & saving points when i was on WW, so that I could have wine. And ultimately I stopped counting points, but never gave up the wine. I wonder if there is a connection?

Mrs. B. Roth said...

McDonald's, I used to hate it, tell my kids "NO!" But then I discovered my 2 new favorite fast foods: the honey mustard grilled chicken snack wrap and the fruit and walnut salad snack pack. 470 calories for both.

But they do say giving up soda and alcohol is quite helpful for losing weight. My husband has lost 40 pound in 4 months but just watching his caloric intake and adding moderate exercise. The bad part, none of his clothes fit him anymore.

soulmoxie said...

I am expecting regular reports on this Jenny Craig/Cindy/Mindy extravaganza. The horror of it all.

P.S. I'm more of a jaeger girl than a wine girl, but I totally work it in. Yesterday, for instance, I chose to not have lunch, but have 4 jaegers. The bottom line - ALCOHOL IS MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN FOOD.

Miss Thystle said...

I sent you that photo in Private, missy, no fair using my thighs on your blog!

Also, I called Jenny, but that bitch didn't call me back. APPARENTLY drunk calling your "coach" is a No-No. If that's the case she shouldn't have said "call any time" should she?

kip said...

For the record, those are not Lorrie's or Ms. Thystle's thighs.

Lorrie Veasey said...

AND JUST WHAT DO MS. THYSTLE'S THIGHS LOOK LIKE THEN, O HUSBAND O MINE?

kwr221 said...

Oh, SexyHusband...
you are sooo busted.

yogagrrl said...

I think you can work the wine into your meal plan by drinking it WHILE USING THE WII FIT. Voila! I am half-genius. Just don't try to slalom. I did that dead sober and almost killed myself.

JenX67 said...

Your blog makes me laugh more than any other. At first, I was like, "HEY! How'd you get a picture of me on the scale?!?!" I've lost 40 pounds since May when I went on a major diet. I tipped the scale at 189. Two babies past 38 is not easy on the bod. I didn't know until I lost the weight how much it was weighing me down. (Pun intended.) Good luck. With your humor, I'm sure you'll have no problemo. Give my regard to Min-DEEEE.

Bj in Dallas said...

I've tried all day to find the photo of CINDI with an EYE to send you. I hate diets- I love wine- I hate my fat stomach- I love cheese and more wine- I hate skinny bitches- I love that I know how much smarter we are than them, especially after alot of wine.
I'd eat the chocolat peanut things and drink Chardonnay and thats it.
Feed the kids the rest, and dinner is taken care of.

Bj in Dallas said...

oh, and put Mindys phone number in a really snarky place in NY-

TJ said...

I have the same eating disorder as you, it's only been since I have less and less to wear in my closet that I've started to thinks, 'hey, maybe I don't look so great'.
I only weigh 25 lbs more than when my 5 yr old baby was six months old. oops.

Debra W said...

Hi Lorrie,

Oh Honey, I think you should just hightail it over to Weight Watchers where you will be able to use some of your points in exchange for your wine!

Just remember that not matter what you weigh now, your body has served you well and will continue to do so. Have you heard about the new study that was just released that says that skinny people can suffer from just as much heart disease as heavier people? If you believe that you look just fine, then you look just fine! If you want to lose a few pounds, then lose a few pounds. But don't ever let Mindy or Cindy peer down their noses at you. You are wonderful the way you are! And very, very funny!

Thanks so much for stopping by my blog. I do hope that you will stop by again. I am so glad that I came over here because you are adorable! I look forward to reading more of your writing. I will definitely be back.

Hugs,
Debbie

Jenni.mystery said...

I read your profile and we're soul mates. I'll be stalking you later.

I, too, had the opposite of anorexia. I thought I was thin but I was fat. Thank the gods I lost all that weight. And the ex-husband.

Megan said...

This post is fantastic, and the comments are pretty damn good too! I see SexyHusband had no response...

Jessica said...

Your blog post was laugh out loud funny. I say this with unique authority, as I read many, many blog posts concerning Jenny Craig every day! I also want to say congratulations on your start and best of luck with Mindy, Cindy, and trading salad dressing for wine. Thanks for bringing much-needed light to embarking on a Jenny Craig experience. Have you seen our forums at http://www.jennycraig.com/community/? You might get a laugh or two yourself there.

Jessica
Jenny Craig Online Community Manager

Katie said...

Hahaha, this is brilliant:
"Unlike an anorexic whose warped body image makes them believe they are fat, I believe I look JUST FINE."

Good luck with the Jenny Craig nemesis.

Shonda Little said...

Holy shit, I have the exact same disorder!
And I agree with kwr, skinny bitches shouldn't work at weight loss centers.
Oh, and beer is to me as wine is to you. Don't get me wrong, I love all alcohol, but's the one I can't give up, like an abusive old lover.

Becky said...

Another person with your same eating disorder weighing in (oh ho ho!). Totally, I just always think that I need better jeans. Or a bigger purse.

ML said...

I just want to make the genuine suggestion that you make sure these skinny bitches don't let you lose your self esteem while they're attempting to take your weight. If you're unhealthy, then sure, diet. However, don't let it ruin your self-image. :) I can say from experience that it's too easy a thing to lose, and it's really hard to get back. ...kind of like virginity.