Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The Weigh It Is: Week One

Jenny Craig Weight Loss Center Tip Number One:
Try to avoid visiting the weight loss center at 8 a.m. It's my experience that fat people can be very grouchy in the morning; particularly if their breakfast consisted of a microscopic egg white burrito with tofu cheese topping. There was a near riot this morning as my fellow fatties, driven nearly insane by the smell of Sausage McMuffins wafting in from next door, waited as the nimble stock boy pulled their week's worth of food. Between the rumblings of our tummies and the grumblings of those of us who had to Get To Work On Time, it looked pretty bad for Cindy/Mindy, who wore a teeny tank top that read "WWJC do?" which we knew referred to Our Lady of the Microwave.

It was a quick weigh in for me and (drumroll please) a four pound weight loss! You'd think I would be celebrating with a cup of sugar free jello....but no.

Because sadly, all four pounds have come from my boobs.

And those of you who carry a few extra pounds like me know that nothing gives us big boned girls more pleasure than our formidable cleavage. Let the skinny bitches wear their tiny black micro minis--we can always be counted on to bring THE GIRLS to the party. The right Victoria Secret bra, looped twice around the neck and hoisted with a metal weight at the clasp, can lift those suckers impressively.

But it seems that I am destined to be shaped like the kind of gourd some crafty person paints to resemble a duck. I see myself at the end of this looking like a bowling pin. And the worst part of it is that The Girls aren't so much shrinking as they are deflating; so instead of ending up with two little pert rosebuds, I know my destiny is to look like one of those women in National Geographic who have been braless for the past fifty years. Adding insult to injury is the fact that this makes me think of PANCAKES. PANCAKES WITH SYRUP. And maybe a sausage.


Scrappin Jenny said...

Have you seen that ad on TV for some weight loss supplement sold at GNC? It's a cartoon of a man and woman. The woman says something like "My husband and I have both gained some weight. We went on a diet together. Here's what happened...". The man gets skinny while the only thing that happens to the woman is her boobs get smaller. I laughed the first time I saw it because I thought "That is so true."

TJ said...

A painted gourd! you just made my day.

Karla @ Ramblin' Roads said...

Oh, how funny! Thanks for the chuckle!

Just stopped by to let you know I blogged about you today! http://ramblinroadstoeverywhere.blogspot.com/2008/08/just-relaxing.html

I got the mug last week and I love it! It's a great size and the design is so cute! Thanks so much!

kwr221 said...

Lorrie, I can so relate.

Except that (shhhh, don't tell anybody)I didn't always celebrate my girls and the partying they were doing was so distressing so I actually paid someone to take care of them for me. Yup, I took out a hit on them.

I can now :::gasp::: go braless for the first time in 34 years. Not that I do.

The problem? My belly is now HUGE. If I didn't know better, I'd say the surgeon transferred the 5+ pounds of breast tissue from my chest to my waist. The nerve!

I used to not be able to see my feet or my belly button because of my girls, now I can't see past my stomach. They used to hide a LOT.

The good news? I can now wear a real running bra and I have ventured outdoors and around the block in some fashion of jogging. It's liberating.

Bigger problem? I'm still snacking and drinking so I'm not changing anything.

Yes, I know, I just revealed to the blogging world that I had a breast reduction. TMI.

The good news? I still have enough left over to have cleavage.

Congrats to you for going to JC and hanging with the Skinny Bitches. I'll be next door at McD's with a steak, egg and cheese bagel (why do they always burn my bagel?),hash brown and a coffee. In deference to your diet, I will not have any sugar in my coffee.

Okay, that sounds like a real sacrifice, but the truth is that I never liked sugar in coffee anyway.

Sorry, for a moment I forgot myslef - this is YOUR blog. :-)

PearlsOfSomething said...

My ta-tas send their sympathy. 40ish lbs down, and my bras cry. It's function over fashion, and not all great at that.

One day, I hope to give them a visit with one of kwr's doctor's colleagues. Enter a witty pun about pick-me-ups here.

Daisy said...

I don't even have big boobs - AT ALL - but when I lose weight it always starts there. Life is so unfair ... why can't it come from my thighs first? There is DEFINITELY extra to spare there.

Downbeat said...

While I congratulate you on your weight loss, I will hold a candlelight vigil for your bosom.

Spatula said...

Oh, no! Your body is eating your boobs for sustenance! Humanitarian package in order?

I salute you for not strangling the Lisa/Nicole/Michelle unit on sight. I'm not as merciful when hungry.

Shonda Little said...

I can't speak for ALL fat people, but I can speak for me. And, yes, we are cranky in the morning. We fatties love the sleep.

Racie Lover said...

Are you saying Our Lady of the Microwave is in charge of handing out the little food parcels at JC? She must be a real sadist. I also think whoever was in charge of picking that spot for your local JC branch also must have some childhood issues when it comes to mayhem and torture. Why on earth put it next to a MacDonald's unless they just like to see you girls have a Morning Meltdown?

Tell 'em you're switching en masse to Weight Watchers!

Bj in Dallas said...

I know the pain of the girls being large, and now, sadly, I have Setters instead of Pointers-

should I see a plastic surgeon or a vet to fix this problem?

Hey Sheila, tell them what Chris's friend said at your wedding about your girls........

(good job Lorrie- you will NOT look like a gourd)

Miss Thystle said...

you'll be the cutest little ducky!

And just think! You can get the girls "enhanced"! Or just stuff your bra with Hostess Orange CupCakes. Tasty and flattering.

You should try body wraps....makes the inches disappear and gives you an ego boost.

Miss Thystle said...

you'll be the cutest little ducky!

And just think! You can get the girls "enhanced"! Or just stuff your bra with Hostess Orange CupCakes. Tasty and flattering.

You should try body wraps....makes the inches disappear and gives you an ego boost.

JenX67 said...

my daughter announced to me the other day after my 40 pound weight loss this summer: "you looked kind of like a pear - upside down." I'm like, "oh. no. i knew i had a sponge bob body. all big at the top with skinny legs."

JenX67 said...

By the way, I got my awesome prize today. My daughter is trying to con me out of it. I LOVE IT! I'll be blogging about it as soon as I get my camera to work. It needs a new battery.

sheila said...

OK BJ - here it is:
My girls are quite large, so when I got married you know that I had every undergarment available to wrangle those puppies into place. Needless to say, the cleavage looked amazing.
As my brother in law walked by husband, he commented "You could park a bike in there!" and then continued on his way. I guess that was his little way of welcoming me into the family.
They are a blessing and a curse...

kip said...

you just lost all of your male readers.

kwr221 said...

Kip = I'd think they'd come here in droves to here all the talk about the girls and hope for some pics.

Anonymous said...

2 words--Wonder. Bra. Your girls will look 5 lbs bigger and it probably weighs less than a JC breakfast burrito.

Mazel Tov on your victory!


PS. I'm making you a "WTFWJC Eat?" tee shirt for your last day there

Mrs. B. Roth said...

Breastfeeding (right freaking now actually) - if the baby sleeps all night, I'm huge when I wake up, but shrunken by days' end ... From a nice full C to a saggy B ... all in a day. Yeah, it's hard on a girl, the boobs stuff. Best of luck ... you're a brilliant blogger with or without 'em.

The Recovering Lethargic said...


I'm still reading. Don't be concerned, I'm not stalking, just "lurking".


You seem to be recovering from your lehtargy more than I am. Kudos.

kip said...

Good, I'm not alone.

Shonda Little said...

Okay, I'm really here to comment about your comment on my blog.
"Al warms my global"
You are freakin' genius. Loves it!

Debra W said...

Oh Lorrie honey,

You should be very proud of yourself for loosing four pounds this week! Don't worry, the rest of your body will catch up with your boobs and you will look MAH-VO-LOUS!!!

You are so funny and very, very cute!


Megan said...

Please, oh please tell me your are embellishing with the WWJCD? shirt. I want to think you're kidding, because you're funny like that, but holy shit if you're not! Those bitches deserve to get back slapped with a turkey leg!

Congrats on the weight loss!

~*~Jenni~*~ said...

Yes, it happens. Boobs are the first to go! I finally got them the size that I WANT them to be, and now they gotta go all wonky on me as I try to lose weight.

Needless to say, your post had me laughing hysterically. My co-workers are probably thinking I need a sedative.