Monday, January 19, 2009

ODe To BaNaNa'S ODoR




Dear Banana,

You are one of the sweetest people ever put on the planet. You were born naturally good natured, with a great love of puppies and rainbows and all things pink. You wake each morning with a smile, and maintain a sunny disposition throughout the day. You entertain smaller children in line at the grocery without being asked. You offer the last piece of chocolate to your brother even if he has already had more than his share. You think Tom and Jerry is laugh-out-loud hysterical, and that the Bratz dolls wear too much makeup. You constantly offer help with the housework. You are such a Joy to us. So it pains me to have to record this fact about you for posterity, but I hope that by the time you find it in a random Google search that it will no longer be an issue.

You have REALLY REALLY BAD GAS.

And to make matters worse: you lie about it All The Time. It could be just me and you ALONE in a room together, and the minute I wrinkle my nose, you're all like: It Wasn't Me!! You will Deny Deny Deny, until even I begin to wonder who is responsible. It doesn't help matters that your father has taught you to say: He who smelt it, dealt it.

You are the sweetest little ray of sunshine surrounded by a noxious fog of foof fumes. I don't think it's your diet...unless turkey and cheerios do something funky in the digestive process. It may be the fact that you find the whole process of elimination somewhat distasteful, and tend to hold everything in for as long as humanly possible, until I have to send your dad out to Whole Foods at seven pm at night to try to find some prune juice.

Your "problem" is at its worst in public situations. We'll be at storytime with a group of people, and before the book is half way read, the reader is gagging and a thick sulphur cloud hangs in the air. The other children will be looking around and making faces; you'll just be smiling serenely and wondering what Clifford is going to do next.

You pollute every store we go in to together. It's like shopping sets off some sort of chain reaction in your bowels. If you ever get too constipated at least I know I can clear it up with a quick trip to Barnes and Noble.

For the record: this is just like your dad.

Love,
Mommy

The winners of the Friday Giveaway are:
- SUGAR & SPICE's owner Saphyress
-SEIFER's owner Bison61
-Jazzy's owner Tiffany

Please email me at L V Mud at a o l dot com with your address.

22 comments:

kwr221 said...

My DD is the same way, except she owns up to it. We taught her to say excuse me in Greek.

:::sniff::: congratulations to the winners.

LuckyMe said...

That's great,Lorrie! The pictures are perfection and you are obvioulsy a lucky mom. She's your little sweet and sour chicken. Cute!!

Jennifer said...

What is it about girls? My daughter is 13 and exactly the same way. Only she laughs about it. Recently I asked her "How do you expect to find a boy who will like you if you act this way?" to which she said "You act the same way and you got Daddy."

I guess she told me.

Bj in Dallas said...

Its not M2 having gas, its her feet when she takes off her shoes. I call it Weapons of Mass Destruction. I threaten her within an inch when she gets in my car after school and I see her start to flip off the tennis shoes. So, in true Super D form, she 'clips' M2 an article out of her local paper in the health section that says if you pee on your own feet in the shower, they won't stink. Swear. That is the first time M2 learned the feeling of the word "mortified".
I love the Banana cause she just sings on through it....that smell could never come from a princess.

Miss Thystle said...

Poor Banana.

Maybe they have these

http://www.under-tec.com/store.php

in childrens sizes?

Bj in Dallas said...

Thystle
How do you find this shit?
A link from your Liberator favorites????

Shonda Little said...

My 97 year old grandmother says that the more a person farts, the healthier they are and the longer they live.
That top photo is awesome. She looks so proper.

blairspage said...

I have to say that my "almost" 4 year old has gas... doesn't so much stink, but she will own it! She always says excuse me... even if no one is in the room with her! :) It's hilarious!

I'm sorry that she has stinky gas! And, it's even worse when they don't own up to it!

THANKS FOR THE MUG!!!! I'm so excited to win!!!!!

Hugs - Tiff

OHN said...

I had my boys completely convinced that girls didn't fart. ever. It lasted until they were at a neighbors house and she bent over to get something out of the oven and let one rip...the boys ran back home just to tell me that Mrs C. farted! It was as though she performed a miracle!

The Kitchen said...

what a precious child!!!

Debbie said...

I believe you must be mistaken. Anything that adorable could not be the producer of a bad odor.

MizAngie said...

As my Daddy used to say...

Better to poot and bare the shame,
Than not to poot and feel the pain.

And to Bj in Dallas...freeze the stinky shoes overnight. It kills the bacteria. You'll have to do it periodically but it really helps. Trust me - I work in an athletic dept so I know lots about stinky feet. Unfortunately.

jenx67 said...

Lorrie - I love the way you write. Especially your knack for posts like this that are both sentimental AND entertaining. You never cross the line I'm talking about, and by the way, I need to read another good story like the one about becoming a Geisha-hostess in NYC. I mean, if there was a contest for best blog post evahhhh that'd win.

jenx67 said...

p.s. it is always the dad. hahahahaha

Spatula said...

Obviously little Banana was ordered from the same catalogue as my kid sister.

kip said...

Unfortunately it is not the dad, it is the Banana. I would gladly take credit. Oh, and in that top picture she is just letting one air out. I swear.

Bj in Dallas said...

she might be airing it out in the bottom (ha) one too! That little STINKER!!!

and thanks MizAngie for the tip-
I welcome any defense against that smell...

Lo said...

When you look like Banana, it's gonna take more than noxious fumes to drive anyone away.

Weight Loss said...

Hi Moms... I think oprah did this diet and thought i would share for the ladies trying to loose weight. Hope it helps. Cool site too whoever made it.

emergevictoriousoverfat.com

Miss Thystle said...

Um, LORRIE, "weight loss" just called us all fat! AND took Oprah's name in vain! MAKE HER STOP.

And no, Miss BJ, I know about these things because I have my finger on the pulse of society. Obviously.

Bailey said...

Can you say beano? Hehe, maybe she has a food allergy or intolerance...or drinking too much juice? Or maybe she is just flatulantly blessed :)

kwr221 said...

What the heck are you feeding that child?