Tuesday, February 24, 2009


Fact: three "followers" abruptly stopped "following" after yesterday's vacation story. AND I DIDN'T EVEN START THE SLIDE SHOW YET, PEOPLE. I gotta warn you-I'm gonna be writing about my trip all week. I mean Chickens, one of the very best things about a vacation is even if you don't come home with a suntan, you can come home with Blog Material. (Or-if you are REALLY LUCKY you can come home with Blog Material AND a small child who has impetigo--but I'll save that story for later.)

Manhattan is a small island: it is only 22.96 square miles. (Think Gilligan's Island with some really tall buildings.) As small as it is, we can waltz about town For Years without bumping into old friends. Apparently, to run into into former acquaintances and fellow New Yawkers, it is best to leave the state and head towards a vacation destination.

We ran into someone from our past on our vacation.

Oh, but not just Anyone. Not an old dear friend or despised enemy. We bumped into...


A Fitness Model, newly remarried, on vacation with twins from her first marriage, who carried her swimsuit portfolio on her blackberry, which she showed to Sexyhusbandomine while making small talk in the bar as he was getting us an afternoon cocktail.

When you are trying to enjoy a week at an all-enclusive all you can eat/drink while your children are being watched by stangers--the last person you want to bump into is a person who makes their living showing off their six pack posing in sports bras and skimpy bike shorts. Suddenly, all the outfits you packed-none of which lacks for an X in the sizing, feel particularly frumpy and volumnous. Not to mention the swimsuit with a skirt--and that clever little swish of fabric at the waist that in the dressing room had you feeling positively svelte--which now makes you feel like you are dressed for professional squaredancing when standing beside her in her teeny tiny polka dotted bikini.

And no: I did not want to meet for yoga at 9 am or do water aerobics at 11. I did not want to eat melon for breakfast or learn from her how to make a sugar free margharita by squeezing lime juice into some tequila. I wanted to do what comes naturally to someone like me. And by "naturally' I mean I took tips on how to enjoy my vacation directly from NATURE:

What made matters worse is that ComplicatedBoy became BEST FRIENDS with Fitness Model Mom's son. So that in the Middle of the Cocktail Hour--say 1:20 in the afternoon-- CBoy would come running up to us in our lounge chairs and ask us to sign him out of camp because his friend's stepfather was going to take them to archery. Being rather perpetually drunk the entire week and therefore very vulnerable to CBoy's masterful manipulation techniques, we would give in to Cboy's whining, and sign him out of camp. Then Stepdad's tennis lesson would get changed, and before you knew it we were stuck not only watching Our Own Kid, but Someone Else's Kid too.

So next time YOU have to Come With, Interwebs! Someone has to babysit.

But you better bulk up beforehand. Because real women don't have to read their beach books with two hands. Just sayin.


Rachel@just another day in paradise said...

It's totally not normal nor natural to look like that. And there's something seriously wrong with someone willing to give up chocolate or cheesecake to look like that. What?! I'm just sayin'.

Jennifer said...

Where does that beyotch get off having a stomach like that and twins? She's not human. She's an alien.

I'll go with you on your next vacation. I'll bring along my skirted swim suit, some really trash novels and I'll even baby sit the kids for you. We can sit around and freak out the normals.

Kr√ęg said...

Se, if you'd have just opted for a NUDE beach, you wouldn't have had to go around feeling all self-conscious about your swimsuit.

I miss living in Florida, even more so now that I know it's become a fitness-model-getaway.

Jane! said...

But really what kind of vacation would it be if you had to maintain that figure throughout it?
Next time you Blackberry her right back with some of your great pottery pics!
And just so you know- I am TOTALLY available to beach babysit.

Anita Helena said...

LOL @ losing 3 followers due to writing about your vacation. I lost 3 also yesterday without a hint of vacation talk...wonder if it was the same 3 :P

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Who exercises on vacation? That's just not normal! I'd do anything - including babysitting an entire gaggle of germwagons - for a day or two at the beach. I NEED warmth! :-)

The Girl You Don't Bring Home to Momma said...

Ok, if your exercising on vacation you need some serious mental ego help. What a tool !!!! I lost some followers too, there must be something in the water.

LuckyMe said...

Oh. My. God.

She really carries pictures of herself and whips them out? PUKE! Maybe she has alzheimers, forgets who she is sometimes, and has to refer back to them.

That is so obnoxious and blogworthy.

sheila said...

I think people who exercise on vacation don't understand what vacations are for. They are for doing NOTHING that needs to be done. They are for drinking & eating & reading & other activities. NOT for exercising.

Oh - and I have a swimsuit with a skirt. Plus I keep a butt-curtain (AKA sarong) in the bag, just in case I need to cover up more that the little skirt allows.

No shame in that sister, no shame! Love these stories!!

rpc said...

Fie on those fickle followers!

Your vacation sounds like a lot more fun than that of the Fitness Model. You do know that it is very bad for people to exercise and diet until they look like that.

*mary* said...

Fitness models. Bah!
Also- I think something's up with the follower thing. I lost a follower too, but they still commented on my blog today. It may be a glitch.

The Kitchen said...

So where did you put her body???

Ruby said...

Oh Lorrie. That SUCKS! Did you by chance ask if she would do her next photo shoot with some of your pottery in her hand? Trying to twist this think around to the positive... At least she isn't an ex of SHM?!


Poor child, impetigo is no fun. Try some colloidal silver. It cost $1,478,628 for an 8 oz bottle but it is worth it. Google it.
So...yoga @ 9a.m. While on vacation. Really?
Nice to see you back.

Sheree said...

OMG Lorrie, the trauma of having to put on a bathing suit in public (you couldn't pay me) has not affected your sense of humor. I was lauging like a bawdy broad (oh, I am?) reading the square dance comment.

And I agree - if you're going for the beached whale look, take note that yours was not wearing a bathing suit either. With or without a skirt. Something to think about for next vacation. I'll sit bare assed next to you AND babysit your kids.

le @ thirdontheright said...

she is airbrushed ... you are all real woman honey !

and who takes their blackberry to the pool on hols ... please be real .... hugs le

blairspage said...

I can't believe someone would actually STOP following you! That's ridiculous! That last post along with this one and every one you've ever written has been funny! They are totally missing out!

The girl has a great body! A little too cut up, but have to admit if I had twins I couldn't go back to that!

Hugs - Tiff

Shonda Little said...

What a fucking nightmare. I go on vacation to take a break from my self-loathing, not increase it. Funny story, Lorrie.

jenx67 said...

me don't like that lady. one little bit.

jenx67 said...

p.s. i lost three followers on twitter right in a row - boom. boom. boom. what was I tweeting about? twitter having an initial public offering. you never know what's going to send someone running. hahahahaha

Spatula said...

Bwah! Vacation haunted by the Fitness Model... and hidden in the shrubbery, her support team - the Black Riders of Mordor.

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