I'm back, Chickens! With a tiny bit of color in my cheeks, all four volumes of the Twilight series devoured whilst in a beach chair, and a liver that is completely pickled. OH..and stories to tell all week! Starting with this one,which happened at the beginning of our trip to Port St. Lucie, Florida:
Despite some minor difficulties getting out of the house (including asking ComplicatedBoy to put his shoes on a total of Twenty Three Times- almost breaking his usual Monday Morning record) , we made it to the airport about forty minutes before our plane was scheduled to take off. Plenty of time, we thought, to move through security and get to the gate.
We handed the man at the first security checkpoint Sexyhusabandomine's license and my
EXCEPT IT WASN'T MY PASSPORT.
In my haste to leave the house, I had grabbed SHOM's passport. The only other ID I had on me was an American Express Card and a MasterCard. I gave up carrying a purse for Lent last year, and I have never gone back.
"YOU ARE F@!?!ing KIDDING ME" I said when Joe Security pointed out the error.
The tension escalated as CBoy, who suddenly appointed himself El Capitain of The Swear Word Police, interrupted the ensuing hysteria-laced conversation with "MOM-You Said The F word!" every two minutes.
"I'm sorry, but I can't let you through" said Joe Security after much back and forth, shaking his head and reaching for the ID held out by the impatient person behind me.
"You Shouldn't Swear, Mom." added Cboy.
So I did what anyone in my position with two small children who hasn't had a proper vacation in eight years would have done: I CRIED.
I BEAT MY CHEST IN ANGUISH. It helped that at the sign of my tears, CBoy ande Bananna both became completely undone, and also began to wail, pleading with the man to "Just Let Mommy Come With Us."
(I should note here, for those of you who may ask--that SHOM was struck mute. He later admitted that he was dumbstruck not at my stupidity for taking the wrong passport, but at the fact that I was not blaming him for my mistake.)
And Chickens, just FYI: IT WORKED. We could have crossed the freeking border into Iran for the collective show we Veaseys put on. Joe Security spoke into a walkie talkie, and instantly a nice woman from Homeland Security appeared.,
What's a little strip search when faced with the possibility of missing your flight to Florida?-I always say.
But that's not what happened. Instead, she sent the Spawn and SHOM ahead to the gate and had me wait in a special room while she called some Top Secret Government Agency that exists JUST FOR THIS REASON. Apparently, (and this is comforting to know,) I am not the only Mommy who has ever left her ID sitting in the right hand drawer of her bureau. I'm not even sure that I am allowed to TELL YOU about what happened next. But it involved very personal questions about my life.
Things that ONLY BIG BROTHER could know. Very Personal Things.
I answered their questions correctly. Remember this was pre-vacation--I had double the brain cells.
Then (can I get a Hallelujiah) I was personally escorted through security and to my gate where I was reunited with my family and CBoy finally forgave me for using the F word.
Totally relived to be on the plane, and also slightly flattered...
because who knew someone at the government was reading my blog?!?