Thursday, April 23, 2009

VouLeZ VouS CouCHeZ AVeC Moi?


3:00 PM Talk to Sexyhusbandomine whose plane has landed safely in Chicago. Speak in a calm, self assured way. Close the conversation with "I Love You."

11:30 PM Still awake. Lots of caffeine in that dark chocolate I had to consume to offset the loneliness due to missing my spouse.

1:00 AM Hear the soft pad pad of small feet coming to the side of my bed. Wonder what the repercussions would be of pretending to be dead. Wisely decide against it.

1:05 AM Hear the words: MOMMY, I CAN'T SLEEP BECAUSE I MISS DADDY . Accompany CBoy back into his room to sit on the end of his tiny bed. A postage stamp of a bed for a big boy.

1:15 AM Sitting in a space barely big enough for one ass cheek, let alone two. Neck bent at an unnatural angle. I think they call it "The Excorcist Pose" in Yoga.

1:25 AM Still sitting there. Trying to meditate. Decide to think about Orlando Bloom instead.

1:35 AM Make the mistake of flexing my right foot. Hear: MOM WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

1:48 AM I wish I had remembered to bring my phone with me. I could be twittering. About Orlando Bloom's hotness.

2:05 AM I think he's asleep. Finally. Slide off the bed slowwwwwwly, slowwwwwwwly....bump his leg with my thigh. Hear: MOM YOU PROMISED TO SIT WITH ME.

2:15 AM I wish SuperNanny would come and save me.

2:28 AM He's gotta be asleep by now. Slide off the bed again slowwwwwwwwwwwly, slowwwwwwwwwwwwly. Realize I have no feeling in my legs.

2:34 AM Step in cat vomit on the way to my room. Clean foot. Clean floor. Curse at cat.

2:45 AM Ahhhhhhh my own bed.

3:25 AM Hear the soft pad of tiny feet coming to the side of my bed again. Maybe if I hide under the covers he won't find me.

3:28 AM Beg CBoy to get into my BIG bed. He says NO BECAUSE BANANA MIGHT WAKE UP AND SCREAM IF SHE HAS A BAD DREAM AND DAD IS NOT HERE SO YOU HAVE TO COME SIT ON THE END OF MY BED.

3:32 AM Realize he is serious when he turns down my offer of $20 bucks if he will just get in bed with me. Dimly experience an odd sense of DeJa Vu.

3:45 AM Sitting again on the end of the bed. I will be One With The Bed. I will Become The Bed. Fall asleep with head twisted backwards.

4:15 AM Wake up with my pajamas soaked in drool. Slowly and carefully get off bed and manage to make it back to my room. Ahhh, I Love You Big Bed and My Own Pillow.

4:55 AM Banana wakes up because Bad Mom forgot to make her pee before bedtime. Hear HELP! MOM! I HAVE STEPPED IN CAT THROW UP AND IT HAS SQOOSHED BETWEEN MY TOES.

5:00 AM Hear CBoy say as I wash Banana's foot off: MOM YOU SAID YOU WOULD SIT WITH ME.

5:30 AM Sit on end of bed again, contemplating ways to get rid of the cat.

5:45 AM Fall asleep with CBoys foot in my armpit.

7:00 AM Cheery Husband calls from Chicago to wake everybody up.

7:45 AM After listening to the phone ring for 45 minutes, I answer it finally, give Husband two minutes to say Good Morning, before trying to reach into the phone and trying to Strangle Him.

21 comments:

Chandra said...

Oh sweet jesus that's funny! I too have had many nights like that, well, minus the cat vomit.

Happy day!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

There is nothing on Earth worse than stepping in cat vomit in the dark. Eeeeuuuch!

Jennifer said...

What a night. The cat puke was just the frosting on the proverbial crap cake, wasn't it?

Hope tonight is better...

Jane! said...

'Tis the season for cat vomit. Ugh!
You need to either get that kid a bigger bed or take more bribe money to bed with you.

Miss Thystle said...

do they make childrens NyQuil? If not, slip him the big boy stuff. It's never to early for better living through recreational drug abuse.

Mrs. B. Roth said...

Warm weather, shedding cat, cat vomit. Spring is here!

Good luck perfecting your Ninja parenting.

Canon wants to type something:cccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc

PearlsOfSomething said...

I will cross my fingers that SHOY doesn't wind up with overnight delays, forcing you to tell your children that he will not be home when they wake up as planned.

I'll cross my toes, too, because it sucks THAT bad!

Debbie said...

I can't believe your husband did that to you. The whole thing was his fault.
Well, except Orlando. That might have been my fault.

tjames said...

Maybe time for Cboy to get a bigger bed?

sheila said...

I think that you need to consult with Sunshine Wheatgrass to perfect the Sleeping in Tiny Bed body contortion for tonight.

Or, instead of giving CBoy the NyQuil, take some yourself. Then you might really sleep through the begging & save yourself 20 bucks.

kwr221 said...

Im BAAAAACCCCKKKKK.

I have to say that even though DH took an plane from DC to Dallas at 4 AM yesterday; leaving me with a clogged hotel toilet, a car with a shuddering engine and a "service engine soon" light on, a 470 mile drive back home alone with my darling children, and took my Trader Joe's snap pea crisps.... your night beat my night.

Hope SHOY comes back soon.

rpc said...

Put them both in your bed from the start tonight. Put the cat in there too - maybe the vomit is its way of calling for attention (or maybe not!).

OHN said...

If he comes in tonight, tell him you can't get out of bed, because if you do, the snakes under the bed will attack your ankles. Bet he jumps in fast :)

Nadine Hightower said...

You're a good mom...Scared boy and cat vomit and all.


This reminds of....

The friends we hang out with...the man is an ass. He does all this sorta non-sleeping crap and not eating the whole time his wife is gone! But he does it to make her feel guilty for being gone. It goes with her job. but still he wants to lay on the guilt.

I think SH'OYours should send you for a weekend of total peace and tranquilty when he returns. That's what I vote for.

Blue said...

here ya go Glorrie! ♥

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES


Excerpt from a Dog's Diary........


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpt from a Cat's Diary... Day 983 of my captivity....

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now .

The Girl You Don't Bring Home to Momma said...

Was it wrong of me to laugh through that entire post. I remember the days of sleeping on the hard wood floor because my child could sense when I was about to sneak out of the room. Hope you have a better night tonight :o

Ruby said...

I agree with rpc. Put both of them in your bed tonight and save everyone the hassle. Except the cat. The cat gets the boot!

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

That cat needs some Prilosec or something. And a heavy cardio workout before bedtime might help C Boy.
Nice bed BTW. Except...when you decide to move out of the fetal position.

Bj in Dallas said...

man I bet you are tired today. and cranky.

get a dog.

Lo said...

Sadly, humorously familiar.
And thanks, Blue, for a great laugh, as well.
Well, I"m off to kick the cat (off my lap).

le @ thirdontheright said...

were you at our place last nite or did you just hex us from afar ... no cat puke but killer mossies (mosquitos) and chidlren sharing a room and no sleep after 5am on a SUNDAY !! there is no god .... le xoxo