Wednesday, July 08, 2009
The Spawn are now aged 8 and 5 ( FIVE AND THREE QUARTERS DON'T FORGET MOMMY) and it is time to reevaluate the measures of protection installed for their safety in the fortress that is Chez Veasey.
About seven months before the birth of Complicated Boy, I began the process of childproofing our apartment. I did as much of the work as I could myself: which meant I got rid of major threats like The Coffee Table and The Blinds With Cords. I forbade Sexyhusbandomine from keeping matches in the bathroom anymore.
Then I hired the guy who had childproofed Michael Douglas & Katherine Zeta Jone's house and paid him a small fortune to make my two bedroom completely safe. At the time I felt sure I had hired that VERY BEST childproofing company available in the city; knowing Katherine and Michael would go to great lengths to keep Their Spawn safe. This was, of course, about two months before the pictures were released of Katherine smoking Marlborough Reds while eight months preggers with child...but I digress.
Mr. Babyproofer to the Stars was THOROUGH. No corner was left unpadded, no cabinet or drawer left accessible. The man put a lock on pretty much EVERYTHING in my house, including the toilet and the fridge. Nothing makes a man feel the impending responsibilities of Fatherhood like locking up the Beer and The Can, let me tell you.
Side note: despite all these precautions, when ComplicatedBoy was two, he tripped on the bathroom mat, hit his chin against the edge of the bathtub and his tooth went through his lip. The Gods laughed at my locked toilet.
Flash forward lo these many years.....Much of the original childproofing remains unchanged. For example: every cabinet and drawer in the bathroom has a high tech lock that you must open using a magnet. This has worked out well when we have had guests so that no one can snoop in Sexyhusbandomine's medicine cabinet, which is filled with immodium, breath right strips, and jock itch spray. This has not worked out well if you run out of toilet paper and cannot get into the cabinet where it is stored, and have to go into the kitchen to find the magnet thingamajoggy with your pants around your ankles.
Well, it's a banner day at Casa De Veasey because I took a phillips screwdriver out and I removed all those suckers from my drawers and cabinets.
Later I may let The Spawn eat grapes that I have not cut in half.