Wednesday, July 08, 2009

UNPRooFiNG




The Spawn are now aged 8 and 5 ( FIVE AND THREE QUARTERS DON'T FORGET MOMMY) and it is time to reevaluate the measures of protection installed for their safety in the fortress that is Chez Veasey.

About seven months before the birth of Complicated Boy, I began the process of childproofing our apartment. I did as much of the work as I could myself: which meant I got rid of major threats like The Coffee Table and The Blinds With Cords. I forbade Sexyhusbandomine from keeping matches in the bathroom anymore.

Then I hired the guy who had childproofed Michael Douglas & Katherine Zeta Jone's house and paid him a small fortune to make my two bedroom completely safe. At the time I felt sure I had hired that VERY BEST childproofing company available in the city; knowing Katherine and Michael would go to great lengths to keep Their Spawn safe. This was, of course, about two months before the pictures were released of Katherine smoking Marlborough Reds while eight months preggers with child...but I digress.


Mr. Babyproofer to the Stars was THOROUGH. No corner was left unpadded, no cabinet or drawer left accessible. The man put a lock on pretty much EVERYTHING in my house, including the toilet and the fridge. Nothing makes a man feel the impending responsibilities of Fatherhood like locking up the Beer and The Can, let me tell you.

Side note: despite all these precautions, when ComplicatedBoy was two, he tripped on the bathroom mat, hit his chin against the edge of the bathtub and his tooth went through his lip. The Gods laughed at my locked toilet.

Flash forward lo these many years.....Much of the original childproofing remains unchanged. For example: every cabinet and drawer in the bathroom has a high tech lock that you must open using a magnet. This has worked out well when we have had guests so that no one can snoop in Sexyhusbandomine's medicine cabinet, which is filled with immodium, breath right strips, and jock itch spray. This has not worked out well if you run out of toilet paper and cannot get into the cabinet where it is stored, and have to go into the kitchen to find the magnet thingamajoggy with your pants around your ankles.

Well, it's a banner day at Casa De Veasey because I took a phillips screwdriver out and I removed all those suckers from my drawers and cabinets.

Later I may let The Spawn eat grapes that I have not cut in half.

20 comments:

Miss Thystle said...

yeah, well I child proofed NOTHING and my brat stuck a fork in an electrical socket when she was 2 and then I was all "Betcha won't do that again, will ya?" and she never did. Then I filled her sippy cup up with full sugar KoolAid and gave her a hotdog in a white bread bun.

Because I am an EXCELLENT mother like that.

The Girl said...

Yeah, I would hate to be a guest at your house and run out of toliet paper. I like the lock for the medicine cabinet. I just usuall rig my shelfs to fall when someone touches them .

Spatula said...

I'd love a lock like that for my medicine cabinet, to protect my expensive BOB from prying eyes. The BOB is shy.

Chandra said...

I long for the day when I can take all the fancy gadgets off my doors! The worst is the 'thingymijigger' you put on the door handle so that your kids can't open the door...I'm here to tell you, it works on adults to!

Congratulation...that is yet another milestone you have conquered!!

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

Good for you. I started last month. With screwdriver in hand (I removed the latch from the kitchen cabinet beneath the sink) Lois said, (in a raised voice) "Oh please don't do that!"
"Why?" I asked.
"I kind of like it."
All I could think about was that the girls have been opening up that cabinet for 4 or 5 years now. Maybe she really wanted me to leave it on because it was the only thing keeping the contents inside from spilling out onto the kitchen floor. (sounds of crashing in the background)

Zakary said...

Holy crap, Baby Troy is almost 2 and I haven't childproofed shit!

Bj in Dallas said...

I couldn't get the lid off of something that had a childproof lid and M2 took it and popped it right off........hmmmm. So I handed her the car keys and said 'its obviously time'.

She was nine.

rpc said...

My kids learned how to open those childproof locks long before I ever did. They should be renamed parent-proof locks.

Jen said...

Immodium, breath right strips and jock itch spray.

Men. You know I love 'em!

3carnations said...

One of our cabinets has the magnet-type lock. Great concept, but it's a pain. It can be hard to open.

sheila said...

that TOTALLY explains why I couldn't peak into your cabinets when we were there for a visit...I thought I'd lost my touch!

supah ~d said...

Friggin hilarious.

Debra W said...

Yes, dear Lorrie, the time has come to un-safety all of the cabinets...That is until your children become teenagers and you have to start locking certain things up again. They seem to have an uncanny knack for finding anything that a mother might think of as "private". I'm just letting you know in advance, from one mom to another. I like to be helpful that way.

Big hugs,
Deb

Ruby said...

Sometimes I wish for a lock on the toilet... Mainly the times that I find my 18 month old splashing her hands in it. Otherwise, I would have multiple powder mishaps if I had to get out the compass, protractor and abacus to figure out those damn toilet locks!

Debbie said...

Oh, you bring back joyous memories. I can vividly recall the glee of taking the locks off my kitchen cabinets.
And I missed that lovely photo of Catherine smoking away. Man, I love celebrities.

Kr√ęg said...

You could have saved a bundle by installing those magnet locks on the OUTSIDE of only one cabinet, and then just locking your kids in there.

Lo said...

Yup. An all-around good day.

T R L said...

There's the blogger I fell in love with. Now I just need a post making fun of dooce and everything will be be right in the world.

pgwfolc said...

Congratulations to you (or, more aptly, your cabinets) on your newly regained freedom. Quite a milestone.

Sounds like major babyproofing. We just had plastic locks around here. And we didn't even lock them all the way (tightening them enough so that you had to loosen them again before they could be removed). So my niece, back when she was a year old, would toddle up to the low-level cabinet where we kept the cereal, slip the childproof lock off, open the cabinet, take out the Cheerios, eat a few handfuls, put the box back, close the cabinet, and carefully replace the childproof lock. If only we'd told her it was supposed to be a childproof lock...

Meantime, I'm reminded of a sig line I saw a few years back (wish I could remember the author's name):

"I childproofed my house... but somehow they keep getting back in!"

Jane! said...

You realize that you have totally set yourself up for an unexpected pregnancy, right?

Who knew you could even hire someone to babyproof your house? Besides you and Catherine, I mean.