Tuesday, October 27, 2009


Hello Chickens. Let me first state for the record that I am typing this on a keyboard that was recently baptized by an entire box of Motts Apple Juice. Which makes blogging a sticky business for reals.

When Sexyhusbandomine left for China 10 days ago I had The Very Best of Intentions. As evidence I would point to my Behavior Modification chart on the kitchen bulletin board and the handful of stickers that are sprinkled on it. I believe that for the first 3 days all I lacked was a cape: I had beds made, teeth brushed, homework done, vegetables eaten and books read. And then The Gods Laughed.

The sleeping arrangements for Camp Mommy have us all sharing a room together; The Banana on an aerobed and Complicated Boy taking 9/10th of my queen sized bed so that he can fully extend each one of his appendages. FULLY. On the third night of our Special Time Together, conversation at bedtime went like this:

CBOY: Mommy-what's that noise?
ME: That's just a garbage truck.
CBOY: No I mean THAT noise.
ME: That's just our drunk neighbors.
At which point I am like: hmm, what the heck IS that noise? And my heart starts pounding and I venture out into the kitchen and start turning the lights on and looking through the apartment, and find nothing. All is quiet. So I get back in bed. 5 Minutes later:
CBOY: Mopmmy--what's that noise?
And so it continues for an hour or so, at which point CBoy decides he maybe can sleep if I will simply HOLD HIS EARS.

Please try this tonight in your own bed with a loved one, chickens. Holding even a single ear is difficult, but holding two ears and being able to go to sleep yourself is Mission Impossible. And of course, everytime I thought he had drifted off to sleep and I sloooooooowly, carefully, so gennnnnntly lifted my hand off of an ear, he would pop up and say

So it was no wonder that bleary eyed and sleep deprived, I contracted the worst case of food poisoning in my life the next night. Made worse, perhaps, by the little voices outside the bathroom door calling: MOM WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE? ARE YOU COMING TO BED MOM? I CAN'T SLEEP WITHOUT YOU MOM! MOM I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE SICK MOM! And The Crying. And The Whining. And not all of it by me.

The next day I rallied in order to make handmade Halloween Costumes, take children to soccer parks, fold laundry and do a bunch of housework that I only vaguely recollect. At some point I know I went grocery shopping because a random bag of pistachio nuts appeared later in my cabinet. Other than that, it's a blur. I do know that every piece of technical equipment in my household--from phone to television to ear thermometer began a slow and steady revolution and refused to perform for me. The TV in the living room has been on for 2 days--just a blue screen- because I am afraid if I turn it all the way off it will Never Turn On Again.

When Banana came down with the sniffles I just thought it was the beginning of a little seasonal cold. So I kept her home from school and took her to work with me--which is why everytime I touch the letter H my finger sticks and my office smells like a preschool classroom. I got LOTS of work done with Banana here. If you count playing every Elmo game available on the computer as work, which believe you me, I Do.

Last night Banana's fever shot to 104.5 and I had to wrassle with her to get the Motrin in her and then physically force her into a tepid bath to try to lower her fever. The whole household was up til 4:30 am. I wanted to let The Spawn sleep in this morning, but was foiled by a tiny travel alarm clock which I could not figure out how to turn off, and which beeped like The Telltale Heart-- loud enough that we could still hear it even after I shoved it in a sweater drawer in another room.

Banana has a doctor's appointment at 1:00 to see if she has The Swine Flu. And Sexyhusbandomine got his flight changed and will be heading back a day early--which is, of course, Not a Day Too Soon. So props to you gals who do this Single Mom thing on a regular basis--you are far better women than me.


Jen said...

I think you deserve a vacation after all that Lorrie. Somewhere warm where they serve fruity drinks in cups shaped like pineapples that have umbrellas in them.

Miss Thystle said...

ear plugs, locking door knob and your own apartment are in order here.

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

I hope Banana is feeling better and that you are recovering.

Krëg said...

What about the men who do the single father thing? No love for them?

WV: gulabil
Only the truly gullible believe the spelling has changed.

jodi said...

You definitely deserve a Mom award for the last few days. I have done the hold both ears thing. It is not fun, very difficult, and impossible to sleep if your the hands holding the ears.

Poor Banana, sounds like Swine flu to me and I've just got one kid recovering from it. Now I've got another with an ear infection. The last one has been coughing for a month, but I don't want to even go near the doctor's office. It is like a germ pool there.

I suggest a good strong drink tonight.

Blue said...

i surly hope SHOY doesn't come down with it, cause, so NOT faIr!

it' pains me to think about the cuteheads suffering. pains me.

here's to instant recovery!!!

Harbormom said...

I'm voting for the "fever virus" (why isn't there a "let's sit quietly for 2 hours while mom watches a movie" virus). That what my two granddaughters were diagnosed with (at separate times, of course) when they spiked 104.5 fevers. On-call nurse said, "Don't bring her in unless it hits 105." I would have hit 75 to the ER if one of my babies had gotten to 104! Feel better, everyone...

Erin Butson said...

You always make me giggle. and yes, i don't get howsingle moms (and dads) do it...

rpc said...

I hope that Banana feels better soon. I'm very impressed that you can blog through this. I was thinking of following the trend and finally starting my own blog, but how could I possibly live up to the example that you set?

WV: Polebedi - where people from Poland sleep.

Bj in Dallas said...

Super D always said if you need to get M2 into the Dr., bump the temperature up a few degrees over the phone 'so they will get you right in.' Works great.

SHOY will either never leave town again, or suddenly start traveling alot when he gets home to this mayhem.

Food poisoning SUCKS. Couldnt eat roasted chicken for a long time one time, I'm just sayin.

wv: Centeem

I can centeem to forget you, your Windsong stays on my mind.......

Kate said...

I see you liked the Camp Mom sign I made for my kids and posted on my blog last summer. Hope yours feel better soon.

Sheila said...

poor little bunnies...and that includes you! although, i did laugh a lot at this post. does that make me a horrible person?!

hope you all feel better soon

Metalicious said...

This is by far one of my all-time-favorite-blog-entries I have ever read. I have extended your bender allowance from 3 to 5 days.

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