Tuesday, August 10, 2010

HiGHWaY To HeLL


TRAVEL TIPS FROM LORRIE based on last week's journey to Hades trip.

1. Do not assume that just because your six year old has not thrown up for the past four months that it is safe to remove all plastic bags, baby wipes, and changes of clothing from the car. This is basically giving the middle finger to the Gods of Car Sickness. Also: Dramamine has an expiration date. Who Knew.

2. If you have two children, make absolutely sure you do not have only ONE pack of chocolate covered pretzels in the snack bag or there will be conflict that makes the whole Israel-Palestine thing look like a "discussion."

3. Do not purchase Mel Brook's DRACULA: DEAD AND LOVING IT starring Leslie Nielsen and assume you have now furnished some form of entertainment for the five hour trip.

4. When the six year old throws up unexpectedly do not turn around, unbuckle your seat belt and attempt to catch it with your hands. Doing so will cause the vomit to run down your wrists and up under your arms, saturating your bra with partially digested chocolate covered pretzels.

5. If your wife attempts to catch your six year old's throw up in her outstretched hands (see number 4) do not then yell at her if she begins to gag and tell her you will kill her if she throws up too. Just shut off the bell that keeps ringing from her unbuckled seat belt, quiet the sibling that is screaming how gross it is, AND O MY GAWD JUST FIND THE NEAREST EXIT, OK?

6. Never travel a route where there are stretches of highway where you can't find an exit or place to stop for 20-25 minutes. AND O MY GAWD JUST FIND A FLIPPING EXIT ALREADY.

7. If you finally find a place to stop, it would be better to throw the clothing into the woods where it will ultimately decompose and become compost than to place it into a bag you find in the trunk and forget about it for a week.

8. It is ok to never roll the windows up in your car ever again. (see number 7)

Happy Travels!

7 comments:

Chandra said...

oh.Em.Gee...that was too funny. Probably not for you at the time but for us readers...hilarious!
Girl, I have been there and done that with my kids..which makes it all the more funny (cause it wasn't me!)

I have a feeling you will be prepared for the worst next time around(and then you won't need it of course)!

Linda B said...

Well, glad you can joke about it now. And it's good for tips for others.

Jennifer said...

This sounds like one of those "if you don't laugh about it you will cry" situations. I have them all the time...

Krëg said...

WHy exactly do you not keep a bucket in the back seat?

WV: andran
Krëg thought about having to mop up vomit andran away.

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

Rules to live by.

kwr221 said...

See? You should have stayed in NYC to meet me. Karma.

My cousin and I went to Chinatown and Little Italy - 2 suburban moms on the loose - woohoo!

Some day, Veasey, some day.

Admiral Hestorb said...

I LOVED this! Having had 3 sons, I remember it all too well. :-)