Friday, January 28, 2011

K is for Krëg

K is for Krëg, and it is as plain as the face surrounding your nose.

Though not likely, it is possible that K is for Krëg only because Lorrie forgot that back in September she made him an authorized poster on her blog, hoping he'd write something tasteful for her as a guest blogger while she was on vacation.  A mistake I'm sure she'll soon remedy.  
Above: The embodiment of 'tasteful'.

In the meantime, she asked me to consent to an "Interview" to fill out her alphabet posts.  Initially I said no, then I said yes, then I said no again, followed by a maybe and another yes.  Then I remembered that computer monitors are don't work like telephones, so I quit talking to mine, and started typing instead.

... ... ...

LORRIE:  Please tell folks a little bit about yourself.  Actually, wait, no--tell folks a little bit about what you like about me.  Less you, more me.
Krëg:  I like the way you never dispute how unequivocally and amazingly fantastic Krëg is.  You have never questioned the grace and grandeur that Krëg's presence bestows upon us all; how we all shine more brightly in Krëg's reflected light. 

LORRIE:  Why are you single?

Krëg:  Who said I'm single?

LORRIE:  What's great about me again?

Krëg:  Whenever someone feebly attempts to besmirch Krëg's good name, you never hesitate to point out how their breath is reminiscent of the naughty bits of equine farm animals.  You are classy that way.

LORRIE:  Besides being vehemently opposed to placing TVs above fireplaces, what other things do you hate?
Krëg:  * People that hang those dreamcatcher things from their rear-view mirror. 
* The word 'proactive'.  It doesn't make sense in the 'active - reactive' hierarchy; how can you act before you act?  Also, that word is a red-flag (along with 'dynamic' and 'sustainable' and many others) to easily earmark people who have substituted vocabulary for actual knowledge and wisdom.  That word can go screw itself.  It can go screw itself before it screws itself.

* Leprechauns.
* Entropy, and all its contributions to the second law of thermodynamics.  
* Villagers wielding pitchforks and torches.

LORRIE: And what do you love, besides me I mean?

Krëg: Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.  Also my wife and son.  Quite probably I love them more than anything or anyone.  In fact, I'm going to take a bold position here and say that yes, yes I love them above all else.  That's not to sell short whiskers on kittens or any of that shit.  They just aren't the priority that my wife and son are.

LORRIE: Have you ever been burned by bacon?
Krëg:  Every time I give my heart to bacon, every time I share something of myself, every time I trust those thin slices of cooked pig, each strip of bacon eventually cools to me before ultimately disappearing forever.  This leaves me emotionally scarred and romantically wounded.  So yes, I've been burned by bacon more times than I care to count.  Haven't we all?
Also, I've been scalded by hot bacon grease a few times before, once on my thigh.  That also sucks.

LORRIE: Do you think Megan Fox is pretty?
Krëg:  My mother taught me that beauty comes from the inside.  So until I've seen the video footage of her latest colonoscopy, I can't really judge.

LORRIE:  But not prettier than me, right?
Krëg:  Stop it!  Please put those away!  I don't want to see your scrapbook of flexible endoscope images.

LORRIE:  Favorite Movie: 
Krëg:  That's not really a question  ....  wait  ... are we playing by Jeopardy Interview rules now?  Cool!  What is Big Trouble In Little China, Alex?

LORRIE:  Favorite Bands:

Krëg:  Again, that's not technically a question.  Further, I think the double use of colons violates some central tenet of grammar.  
Here are but three of the many, many bands and artists I enjoy....
Joe Purdy - One of the most prolific artists to ever dodge a major label.  Produces and releases all his own music.
Rolling Stones - Multiple volumes have already been written about the Stones.  I really don't have anything new to add.
Lil' Wayne (here mashed with Modest Mouse)  What can I say about Weezy?  So bad, he's good.  Don't burn yourself.

LORRIE:  Please compose a tribute to me set to music, load it up to You Tube and somehow embed it in the blog post.
Krëg:  No, I don't have time to do that.  Sorry.  But here's this instead.  I think that pig at the end says it all.


Jennifer said...

Big Trouble In Little China is so bad it's good.

Lorrie Veasey said...

I used to think that Suduko was intimidating from an intellectual stand point. Then I read Kreg's post. What's a genius like you doing with a blog like me???

Metalicious said...

This is a fantastic post!