No one likes a smartass

So what many people don't know is that the Emails sent to FEEDBACK on this site go directly to my mailbox. Ordinarily, this is a good thing. I am usually all sweetness and light, and my customer service skills are legendary. But sometimes I don't know what happens. Maybe it's that I've overdosed on 100 calorie packs of oreos, the planets are not in alignment, or I lost hours of sleep because a child shared my bed and spent the night with his elbow in my left nostril. Maybe I'm trying to cut down on the hooch. Maybe it's a lunar cycle kind of thing. MAYBE I AM JUST A SMARTASS. And on days like that....well....let's just take a look at an actual Email interaction I had today:

The following message was sent from ournameismud.com by Aaron:
Just wanted to tell you that I bought two mugs at a store in Boston that sell your products: the yellow "betterhalf" and the red "princess". After a very short time the 'glaze' inside started to crack so once a week we had to feel it with bleach and then the exterior glaze started to fall. A big disappointment.

So I respond:

Hi Aaron!

1) We don't make a red Princess mug. We make a red Diva mug. Which is your better half?

2) Our mugs are made to be used and enjoyed daily: not to fill with bleach once a week. Aaron! What were you thinking??? How about taking them back to the store or sending them back to us for an exchange? We're thinking drinking from a mug with cracks that you have filled over and over with bleach might not be such a healthy thing.

3) Do you feel better now that you've sent this email or would you like us to do something about this?

Please email Dan@ournameismud.com for info about making a return.

Have a wonderful day,
OUR NAME IS MUD

Which is pretty tame, considering it is ME who is writing this Email. I mean; I let "feel with bleach" go, and I did not mention the need to put quotations around "glaze". This is no tongue lashing, Aaron my friend--it is a gentle little kitten lick compared to what could have come from my keyboard; especially if I had saved my reply for after one glass of pinot.

But does he thank me? No-Aaron writes:

Yes you're right. I'm colorblind and you seem to question my integrity.
Unless I have difficulties understanding your tone or sense of so called humor
or sarcasm ("Do you feel better now that you've sent this email").
The princess is kind of purple (?). The better half is yellow (?).
We rinse it in bleach to clean it from the coffee and tea stains concentrating
in the cracks of the glaze.
I'm from Israel. I bought it as a present to my wife and myself for our
anniversary day, in a store in Boston while on a scientific meeting I attended
in the US. So, I cannot "take it back to the store".
I also do not intend to ship it back and waste more money just to satisfy your
wariness.
You wish to be fair? To respect your own art and skill and expertise and name?
You can send me a pair of mugs one with "better half" or "princess" or "diva" or
"legend" or "She Who Must Be Obeyed" and one with "alpha male" or "role model"
or "handsome devil"
And have one satisfied and appreciative customer that could respect you.
You wish to make fun of me and mockery of yourselves than I'll be satisfied with
sending the mail and just spread among my friends your attitude.
==================================
Avivi Aaron, Ph.D
Associate Research Professor
Head, Laboratory of Animal Molecular Evolution
Institute of Evolution
University of Haifa
Mt. Carmael, Haifa 31905, Israel


Aaron, Aaron, Aaron. Have you ever read my blog? Most of your country already hates me for my bad attitude and you did not have to do a thing--it's because I AM A SMARTASS. So send my email to your friends--I will post the whole discourse here on my blog for my faithful readership of three. (One of which is my husband, Aaron, and I am guessing he could kick your little scientist butt--but I'll save the veiled threats for later.)

I am sure that being Head of the Laboratory of Animal Molecular Evolution is a VERY, VERY SERIOUS JOB. And maybe you are grouchy because you have to fiddle with animal DNA samples all day, and clone sheep and stuff like that. Or maybe you are frustrated because molecular evolution really just cannot be rushed. If I remember correctly from school, it took a heckuva long time to go from protozoa to invertebrate--so I feel for you Aaron, really I do.

But I feel we could be making many more advances in this world if the scientific community would activly seek A SENSE OF HUMOR. Really dude--things don't need to be so literal. Or black and white--I mean red and brown-I forgot you were colorblind.

And I am confused: do you want me to be your personal shopper and choose two mugs from your eight suggestions above or do you want eight to be ABSOLUTELY SURE that I respect my own art (thanks) and skill (thanks) and expertise (thanks again) and name (it's my husband's, actually).

And lastly; do I make a mockery of myself if I make fun of you? Oh Aaron, Aaron, Aaron...dontcha know I prefer crockery to mockery most days darlin?