Monday, September 15, 2008

The Banana Is Almost Squished!!


Before our first child was even born, we hired the BESTEST CHILDPROOFING COMPANY EVAH to come and lock down everything in Chez Veasey. And they did: in order to throw a used kleenex away you had to enter a six digit security code onto a stainless steel padlock and have your iris scanned. Every cabinet, every closet, every door, and every portal to an alternate universe (that would be the toilet seat) was rendered unassailable. There was not a sharp corner to be found anywhere in the apartment and all the window guards had window guards. You had to be strip searched to get anywhere near the Drano.

Banana is going to be five on Saturday and our standards have been lowered somewhat in the past four years. You can now open the refrigerator without having to provide five forms of ID, and as mentioned in a previous blog we saw the RETURN OF THE COFFEE TABLE. We stopped worrying about TOYS WITH SMALL PARTS and felt ok leaving the cough syrup in the medicine cabinet instead of contracting with the Brinks Truck each time The Spawn had colds.

In fact: this weekend we believed that I could go and WORK OUT (read: walking at a moderate pace to the strains of Hanson's MmmmBop) while Sexyhusbandomine took A SHOWER and The Spawn watched cartoons, ate cereal and basically hung out in our SAFE little universe.

Except The Banana decided she wanted to GET DRESSED-which was not part of the Master Plan. Neither was the fact that we had recently purchased new dressers from Ikea and in keeping with our new loosy-goosy attitude, had not secured them to the wall.

I admire the fact that Banana thought she had discovered A MORE EFFICIENT WAY OF REACHING HER UNDERWEAR. Why go to the trouble of moving the conveniently located stepstool over to the dresser when you can simply build a staircase by pulling out the bottom two drawers? I imagine that before the entire dresser fell over on top of her that she was congratulating herself on her ingenuity.

We were very lucky that Banana ended up with only a black eye and a few bad bruises. And the memory of her father coming to her aid: Naked and Sopping Wet with a chin half covered in shaving cream.

To sum up what we all learned:

-WORKING OUT is not worth losing a kid over. It's a sacrifice, but I am willing to give it up. Oh, sure I'll miss the sweating and the pain and the boredom: I'll just have to burn those calories being a Better Helicopter Mom. No one argue with me about this TOTALLY SELFLESS ACT.
-Sexyhusbandomine is now allowed to take baths only after the children are asleep. If he MUST shower while The Spawn are in his care, he must do so fully clothed. Which will save me the trouble of some laundry-so as you can see Banana got the Efficiency Gene from me.
-The Spawn must immediately RETURN TO THE BUBBLE.

That is all.

23 comments:

Downbeat said...

That is a brilliant way to get to the underwear drawer. It sounds like something I would've done at the banana's age.

You are a selfless mother, btw. I congratulate you, Helicopter Lorrie.

Jennifer said...

My daughter decided that dancing while standing on a desk chair that spins was a brilliant idea. While she didn't break anything, she ended up with a bruised arm muscle. That was the last time she ever did anything like that.

kwr221 said...

Well, *that's exciting. And a good an excuse as ANY to not leave the apartment anymore, esp. for exercising. I think an exception could be made for meeting a friend, even an internet friend at a wine bar at some future date. ;-)

Anyway, I think we need photographic evidence of the offending dresser as well as the shiner on banana's eye. So we can properly ohh and ahh and maybe send a get well card. Glad it wasn't more serious.

Oh, and just so you know - my 10 year old dd *still opens all the dresser drawers and thinks everything in the house is fair game to get her as high as she needs to go. She is fiercely independent and WILL GET IT HERSELF! thankyouverymuch...It's no wonder I have so many gray hairs.

zakary said...

Poor little Banana!

I'm going to borrow your excuse as well. I don't work out because of the children.

Think of the children!

Miss Thystle said...

I'm totally going to pull a bookcase over on M so that I can stop working out too! I'd let her climb the dresser, but since she's 13 that would require cooperating with me, and that won't happen for another 15-20 years.

Lorrie Veasey said...

Kristin-
You've got the dresser
the black eye
the naked father dripping wet and covered in shaving cream

and you only want pictures OF THE FIRST TWO?

I'm just sayin.

Bj in Dallas said...

M2's stuff is still bolted to the walls, I looked around and saw too many "Staircases to Heaven" and got the hardware out. Sorry Banana! I think girls look cool with shiners sometimes, you can tell people CBoy looks alot worse!

I tried to get dressed by myself onetime at the babysitters and when I tried to wake her up, she had died- I am not kidding. Everyone thought I would be traumatized by the whole thing and I just asked for a kitten and got one. I wanted to name the kitten Mrs. Phillips, but Super D said no (probably because SHE was traumatized) so we named it Kittycat. Maybe that explains me now........

Bj in Dallas said...

M2's stuff is still bolted to the walls, I looked around and saw too many "Staircases to Heaven" and got the hardware out. Sorry Banana! I think girls look cool with shiners sometimes, you can tell people CBoy looks alot worse!

I tried to get dressed by myself onetime at the babysitters and when I tried to wake her up, she had died- I am not kidding. Everyone thought I would be traumatized by the whole thing and I just asked for a kitten and got one. I wanted to name the kitten Mrs. Phillips, but Super D said no (probably because SHE was traumatized) so we named it Kittycat. Maybe that explains me now........

Bj in Dallas said...

why don't I just keep hitting send and post that thing a few more times new laptop has a mind of its own...

Blue said...

I'd like to see a picture of that scene Lorrie! You could put one of those fuzzy dots over your SHOY of course, but wow. What a vision. what a vision.

So of course the solution is that Bananas have to go on walks too. mothers can't be asked to sacrifice EVERYTHING now, can they? just be sure to watch out and not step on the peels...cause I've heard that could result in catastrophe.

Sometimes chasing rogue bananas can elevate the heart and enervate dormant muscle too. Just pretend that banana is a donut and Run Lorrie Run!
♥,
Blue

Just like me ... said...

oh dear you have dashed my hopes ... given the wee lads are nearing four (oct) and nearing six(dec) I was hoping we could do just as you say - me leave and MIC shower and all would be well.

One previous experiment of this nature saw First Born kidnap the bottle of 100s and 1000s from the kitchen pantry and hide them in the toilet behind the down pipe for consumption throughout the day ...

Shame he spilt about 100 of them on the floor and was discovered !

I am so glad your little banana is not permanetly split ... le xoxo

Megan said...

I'm sorry, was there something beyond SHOM rushing to the rescue naked? I lost track...

Daisy said...

I'm so glad to hear that she's ok!! I bet that was really scary for you all!

Becky said...

What a nimble little monkey! But poor baby, I bet that was really scary. That will teach you to leave the house!

JenX67 said...

this is the ultimate mommy-bloggy post. "World falls apart b/c mommy works out." No joke. Been there. So glad she is OK. And, the image of daddy standing there wet and naked - almost as beautiful as me getting puked on today - "Shausage and meelk" after getting out the shower. No jokey-jokey.

Racie Lover said...

I am relieved to hear that Banana avoided a fate worse than death in her tussle with the chifforobe. Nail that sucker down.

I once got a black eye from falling off my scooter and having the handlebar hit me in the eye. This was before they figured out the children might be AT RISK. I also stuck a fork in a light socket, did a head plant backwards off the driveway gate onto cement and split my chin wide open playing chicken off the diving board. I think that used to be what "they" called the "Process of Natural Selection". Now parents just send their children to boarding school.

Bj in Dallas said...

and I heard eating dirt builds their immune systems....
Soil Sandwiches for dinner! yum

Debra W said...

Yup, Lorrie,

It's always the stuff that we don't consider, as careful parents, that our children seem to find! That's because they are much smarter than we are! Thank God your daughter was okay.

Very altruistic of you to give up exercise! It's a difficult decision to make, but you love your children that much!

kwr221 said...

Racie - just last week, dd (age 10) got bumps, bruises and scrapes because she was laying on a skate board and Number One Son was on a bicycle pulling her down the street.

I should add the DH was the one home and on-duty.

And it's a quiet little no-traffic street. But still. Geesh.

And Lorrie - about the pic of SHOY? I was trying to be polite and lady-like. :-)

On another note: ::::sigh:::: I love you.

You know what I'm talkin' about.... my mug came today. :-D

Spatula said...

Sweet Jebus, I'm so glad your genius-but-insane kid is OK. She's totally going to be an engineer, eh? But in the meantime you could try duct-taping her to a bed or something. Just thinking outloud here.

TJ said...

Good thing I read this, you might have saved my child's life. I WAS considering doing some exersice myself. It's just not worth it on so many levels.

sarah@soulmoxie said...

Poor thing! I should take a lesson however because this is exactly how I reach the Doritos - that I've begged Jess to put just out of reach - when I can't bother to pull the step stool over. Never mind. I'd look like a tough bitch if I had a black eye.

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