Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Just A Blog Before I Go

The title of this blog references Graham Nash, who wrote Just A Song Before I Go and who also threatened to sue my butt for putting "Our House is a Very Very Very Fine House" on a platter because apparently I violated all sorts of copyrite laws, and therefore owed him A GAJILLION DOLLARS AND ALL MY UNSOLD PLATTERS, or so said his High Powered Attorney. At settlement, we shipped several hundred of those babies to Mr. Nash--I wonder to this day if he gave them to all his friends for Christmas. Prior to that, I actually wrote to him and asked him if we could DONATE the amount of the settlement and the product to the victims of Hurricane Katrina--which apparently pissed Mr. Nash off even more, and got me Banned for Life from the discussion boards on his website, not to mention some Very Nasty Emails from a group of CSN fans. (You think those people are tye dye pot smoking Gen Xers, but your opinion changes quickly after the second death threat.) But I digress.....

1. I am off to Shy-Town for the next three days, hence the title.

2. Thank you again for all your well wishes. Some of my best friends now live in my computer.

3. I am fully recovered and managed to easily find the 6 lbs. I lost with the flu. Actually 6 lbs. Plus. You know how when you throw up after having five Gin and Tonics that the very THOUGHT of Gin makes you feel a bit queasy? The same is true for getting the flu when you are on a strict Jenny Craig regimen. I cannot look at a frozen turkey wrap at the moment.

4. The Banana turned 5 on September 20 and so we held a three day fete and issued commemorative china.

5. Between organizing the live animals and finding The Banana a monkey costume, I forgot to fill the pinata. I am not a big fan of pinatas. Maybe it's because our first experience with one was so bad. We managed to find the only INDESTRUCTIBLE DRAGON PINATA in the world for CBoy's 3rd--and after giving 22 children three turns each with a steel baseball bat (INDOORS BY BREAKABLES MAY I ADD), Sexyhusbandomine had to reach for the chain saw. When the candy finally exploded all over the floor, it was like a SALE day at Macys. CBoy ended up crying and clutching two half unwrapped packages of Smarties. I had to take some Valium.

We soon switched to the kind where everyone gently pulls a ribbon and the candy finally falls out the bottom, but that was still too wild for my taste. So last year I wrapped the candy into individual sandwich bags so that there was only one bag per kid and then I made them SIT DOWN TO GET IT. After they used the Purell, of course. And I checked each one for choking hazards or peanut oil. Twice.

So we did not have an Evil Pinata. But we did have Mimosas and Bloody Marys, which is why people like to come to my kid's parties.

6. I cleaned the Art Cabinet yesterday and Complicatedboy had used up half a stack of Xerox paper drawing BOOBS of all sizes and shapes. Sexyhusbandomine is oddly proud of this new artistic phase.

7. I decided we could no longer keep NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC in the magazine rack in the bathroom.

8. I got my first piece of HATE EMAIL in response to this blog! Virtual High Five! I am amused by the fact that the person who sent it was reading posts in JUNE. However much time they spent reading four months of my drivel is time they are Never Going To Get Back. I'm just sayin.

9. Hate Email does not bother me, unless it is scented with patrouli oil and contains lyrics from Teach Your Children Well.

10. That is all: see you in a few days.


Jennifer said...

Boobies. I love it.

My daughter made a snow woman with boobie when she was little. Only she called them "hip hip hoorays". Swear to God, I have no freaking clue where she got that.

Glad you're feeling better!

Racie Lover said...

I can relate to the Cease and Desist letters, having been told by both Alan Greenspan and James Carville to stop using their likenesses in our Beer ads. I think it was pure vanity, though. No one likes to see their bald head in Black and White.

Shame on those Rich Hippies for not allowing you to donate the proceeds of the platter sales to Katrina. So much for Peace, Love and Harmony.

Have fun on your trip and keep "Nanner away from any heavy, unsecured objects.

Miss Thystle said...

I LOVE HATEMAIL! It's like, Hey! You suck! But I read all 237 entries before I decided that!

And I'm all, HAHAH SUCKER! MOST PEOPLE can tell I suck after 1 entry! So who sucks now, huh?

Sorry I didn't get to see you when I was in NYC, but since you were dying anyway, it probably worked out okay. Guess what? I wandered around the city all by myself and didn't even get mugged once!

kwr221 said...

SHY-town!? Like, is that a nickname for Chicago?

I'm flying there on FRIDAY! (to meet some message board friends.) Maybe we can wave at each other in the airport!

If not, well, nevermind.


debbie said...

Glad you are well. Flu sucks.
Can't believe you got such flack from CSN. And the hate mail - well, crazy people are everywhere I guess. Have a good trip.

ThreadBeaur said...

Hate mail? Funny....
Have fun in Shy-Town

Nadine Hightower said...

Hatemail?? Can't we all just get along??

I was so sick once on 7and7 and spagetti that I could eat or drink either for years. I switched to rum and coke. and just didn't eat.

Have fun on your travels.

Mrs. B. Roth said...

Psahw ... old hippies - all cease and desist, mine mine mine!

Modern hippies use the creative commons licensing and share and share alike. Beauty should be shared. And they didn't even want to help hurricane victims ...

see if I ever buy their stuff.

Just like me ... said...

hello there - welcome back ...

did you see www.wifeinthenorth.com rant about her haters - oh so funny.

be safe during your travels and take it easy - we don't want a relapse - missed your words - le

Fe said...

Yeah! You're better!

And you didn't lose your funniness!!

And you did gain some hate-email (if you say it fast it sounds very benign)

Have a good trip! (my finger seems inexplicably drawn to the exclaimation mark today!)!!!

Daisy said...

Glad you are feeling better! Can't believe you got hate mail - but hey - it gave you something more to blog about. :)

Bj in Dallas said...

Wow, you would think CSN would be all kum-ba-ya and peaceful, especially after the Katrina offer. They have probably blown so much of their money they have to hang on for dear life! What is wrong with people these days??

Anyway, HAVE SO MUCH FUN IN CHICAGO!! There is a bar called Casa something that is across the street from Lawrys that makes the BEST margaritas EVAH!!! And if you drink too many, you can walk back to your hotel, while you stop at every bar between there and your hotel, and have more alcohol and then go to the hotel lobby bar and ask for a house phone and call everyone in your group that has been asleep for three hours. But remember, those are the people you have to fly home with the next day, and that part can be ugly, especially with a large hangover.

We want lots of details when you get home....

RPC said...

I'm so glad that you are back with us that I have to break my usual rule of silence and celebrate by posting a comment. Even though you are leaving us AGAIN!

How can anyone send hate mail to the writer of one of the world's very few readable blogs? What a sad person that must be.

Debra W said...

Oh my gosh, only you could find a way to piss off Graham Nash! You should have also asked him to autograph the platters before donating them to the Katrina Victims.

So glad that you are feeling better! Have a great trip. Oh and you got hate email? From something you wrote back in June? COOL!

Big hugs,

soulmoxie said...

have a great trip! Glad you're feeling better!

I'm going to burn all of my CSN records. In your honor. I will do this by chanting something along the lines of "Don't mess with my bitches, hippies"

Lo said...

Lori, my niece in Paradise, Utah, who has the exact same taste as me, told me to read your blog. You make me laugh and I thank you.

TJ said...

Glad you're feeling better, I missed your posts, glad you're back!

KAS said...

Glad you're doing better! Chicago - if that really is where you're going - is pretty awesome. I live about five hours south of it, farther downstate in Illinois. I don't get to go up there nearly enough.

I would be all about going to your kids' parties if there is booze! I never used to drink and I still can't say I'm much for alcohol, but if I get the chance, I find myself rather attracted to things that make me happy and fuzzy. Other than sex.

Last, but not least, I do not envy your hate mail, but I do find it amusing that you're being flamed for events four months ago - gotta love the way some minds work!

Take care and be safe.

P.S. My father-in-law looks like the guy on the left side of the picture of CSN that you posted. Almost EXACTLY - only with a little less hair and it's gray. It truly is frightening. They could be twins separated at birth for all I know.

pogonip said...

Some people (the haters) just have no class and it shows. I hope the rest of us who enjoy you make up for the duds. Enjoy your trip.

Lorrie Veasey said...

Wow you guys! This has got to stop. Too. Much. Love. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and like I should send you all checks or something. Quick-someone say something snarky!

rpc said...

I'll take a check, or cash if you prefer.

Becky said...

I am laughing at the CSN story. Leave it to those guys to be giant pricks. It just seems right somehow.

Last year we wised up on the pinata thing. I got an empty one, and filled it with those little glow bracelets and glow sticks as well as treats. We hung it outside at dusk, and by the time we battered it to death and the stuff fell out, the bracelets were glowing, which made the kids go, "Oooh!"

Not Fainthearted said...

Now I don't feel so bad that I never went in for the pinatas for the Darling Sons' b-days.

I never thought of the mimosas and bloody marys though either, so I'm kinda disappointed about that.

Mambinki said...

That story about Mr. Nash is some crazy shit. Really.

Glad you are feeling better.

kwr221 said...

I hope you smashed the platters before you sent them!

And I am so telling DH that he can't play Graham Nash anymore in my house.

And that includes everything with his buddies, too!


Anonymous said...

Will claims he cannot eat maple syrup because of similar experience. (First week of school--perfect attendance record last year, smashed in the first four days.)

A lurker in VERMONT

(Guess who?)