Sunday, February 22, 2009

LiVe To TeLL

I'm back, Chickens! With a tiny bit of color in my cheeks, all four volumes of the Twilight series devoured whilst in a beach chair, and a liver that is completely pickled. OH..and stories to tell all week! Starting with this one,which happened at the beginning of our trip to Port St. Lucie, Florida:

Despite some minor difficulties getting out of the house (including asking ComplicatedBoy to put his shoes on a total of Twenty Three Times- almost breaking his usual Monday Morning record) , we made it to the airport about forty minutes before our plane was scheduled to take off. Plenty of time, we thought, to move through security and get to the gate.

We handed the man at the first security checkpoint Sexyhusabandomine's license and my Only form of ID because I don't know how to drive passport.


In my haste to leave the house, I had grabbed SHOM's passport. The only other ID I had on me was an American Express Card and a MasterCard. I gave up carrying a purse for Lent last year, and I have never gone back.

"YOU ARE F@!?!ing KIDDING ME" I said when Joe Security pointed out the error.

The tension escalated as CBoy, who suddenly appointed himself El Capitain of The Swear Word Police, interrupted the ensuing hysteria-laced conversation with "MOM-You Said The F word!" every two minutes.

"I'm sorry, but I can't let you through" said Joe Security after much back and forth, shaking his head and reaching for the ID held out by the impatient person behind me.
"You Shouldn't Swear, Mom." added Cboy.

So I did what anyone in my position with two small children who hasn't had a proper vacation in eight years would have done: I CRIED.


I BEAT MY CHEST IN ANGUISH. It helped that at the sign of my tears, CBoy ande Bananna both became completely undone, and also began to wail, pleading with the man to "Just Let Mommy Come With Us."

(I should note here, for those of you who may ask--that SHOM was struck mute. He later admitted that he was dumbstruck not at my stupidity for taking the wrong passport, but at the fact that I was not blaming him for my mistake.)

And Chickens, just FYI: IT WORKED. We could have crossed the freeking border into Iran for the collective show we Veaseys put on. Joe Security spoke into a walkie talkie, and instantly a nice woman from Homeland Security appeared.,

What's a little strip search when faced with the possibility of missing your flight to Florida?-I always say.

But that's not what happened. Instead, she sent the Spawn and SHOM ahead to the gate and had me wait in a special room while she called some Top Secret Government Agency that exists JUST FOR THIS REASON. Apparently, (and this is comforting to know,) I am not the only Mommy who has ever left her ID sitting in the right hand drawer of her bureau. I'm not even sure that I am allowed to TELL YOU about what happened next. But it involved very personal questions about my life.

Things that ONLY BIG BROTHER could know. Very Personal Things.

I answered their questions correctly. Remember this was pre-vacation--I had double the brain cells.

Then (can I get a Hallelujiah) I was personally escorted through security and to my gate where I was reunited with my family and CBoy finally forgave me for using the F word.

Totally relived to be on the plane, and also slightly flattered...

because who knew someone at the government was reading my blog?!?


Kip said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
GiGi said...

This is comforting news (glad they let you thru), considering I am in charge of all those things when *my* family travels - passports, tickets, etc. It's one of my biggest paranoid moments: right after that garage door closes, and we're off to the airport. Looking forward to hearing about your vacation.

Kip said...

You confuse mute with Calm. Someone needed to reassure the children that their mother would be able to accompany them on vacation.

Fe said...

OMG. I'm laughing so hard there are tears rolling down my cheeks. And that hasn't happened round here for a LONG time. Thanks Lorrie.

Still... I'm SHOCKED!! I get stripsearched everytime I go into your country.... if I am staying longer than 24 hours... apparently because my uncle was arrested for anti-nuclear demonstrating in the
70's. Although HIS daughter married a guy who works for super secret top level stuff for the CIA or something and so SHE doesn't get hassled.

Just me.

And I would have loved it if we could have compared notes.

(he he)

I did all 4 Twilight books on the beach in January. Loved them in that environment. Great holiday reading. I recently read her other book "The Host" and liked it even better. Go get.


(questions on their way when my brain resumes normal operations. I haven't forgotten)

Rachael said...

Oh my goodness! What a start to a trip. My only question is...did you have to cry to get on the plane to get back home too?

Logical Libby said...

I know the government reads my blog. Probably for very different reasons though.

Jen said...

Hahaha...that is something I would do! I'm glad you were able to get through. Makes for a great story though...

Bj in Dallas said...

Is that the same as me getting pulled over in New Orleans because they said I had explosive materials on my Ugg Boots? I said well, I WAS on Bourbon street last night and they sais Oh go ahead..............

bout fucking time your'e back now I'm leaving. Check out Le's rant
on my blog list

Debbie said...

Are you kidding me? The government reads blogs. I am in some serious trouble. If you tell me the AARP reads it, I know I am a goner.
Well, I am proud of you for pitching the mother of all fits and getting on that plane. When we took our cruise over New Years, I got off the ship in Cozymel. Time to get back on and I didn't have my passport. I didn't know I needed it. The kids were worried I'd be left in Mexico. I was just busy trying to figure out how much money I had and how many margaritas I could buy.

Spatula said...

Lol, now I know what to do if I have any trouble at the border: make like a Veasey and CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY.

Nonnee said...

Okay, that's it. Now we WILL have those driving lessons!

Anonymous said...

No vacation in eight years?!?!?! I have obviously mixed up your blog with that of somebody else who not infrequently abandons us for various trips unrelated to work, and has been know to complain about the schools complaining about the Spawn missing too much time. Whoever can I be thinking of?

Anonymous said...

P.S. Welcome back. No doubt you were hoping that they wouldn't let you onto the plane for the flight back.

Kelley said...

SO glad you're back FRIEND! Oh and I would have balled my little eyes out too. Because that's what usually happens in stressful situations to me. Lord help me when I have kids!

The Girl said...

That's great...Kids sure an come in handy. My daughter got my husband out of a night in jail for setting off fireworks once. I was great! Can't wait to hear about the rest of the trip!

Baylee and Blair's page said...

First of all, I am so glad you are back!!!!

Second, I cannot believe they let you through. That wouldn't be my luck... they would of stripped searched me for sure!

And, I've never been out of the country so I can't wait to hear exactly where you went! UGH... my vaca cannot get here quick enough!

Hugs - Tiffany

Anonymous said...

Welcome back Lorrie!! You were missed, but I thoroughly enjoyed all of the blogs you pointed us to in your absence.

I would never be let through. I just know my own luck - and it's usually bad. The tears would have gotten cold stares, and then you'd find us on a flight later that day after I went home & retrieved the ID.

Unknown said...

We went to see TheMouse in 2000, I had left my DL at home. I wouldn't need it I wasn't driving!! But I DID NEED IT!!!!!!!! I almost cried...all Roy's fault!! He felt so bad. I WASN'T GONNA SEE THE MOUSE!!!!!!!! And finally someone that could see that I was on the verge of an all out meltdown let me fly to Florida and back on Roy's insurance card!! Just becuz my name was it!!!
I don't think I could pass the tough questions in a time of great stress....It was THE MOUSE, for Pete's sake!!!!!

PearlsOfSomething said...

Airline security freaks. me. out.

No matter how many forms of ID I have on me (I swear, I carry my entire life history with me when I fly) I'm always afraid they're going to tell me something is wrong. I start to feel like one must when they are trying to board with contraband, and I guess it shows. I get picked for extra security every. single. time!

It's not paranoia if they really are out to get you, right?

Jane! said...

I'm still stuck back ad 'you don't drive'! Are you American?

You tell C-boy that sometimes mommies need to use the f-word as a substitute for ID.

Debra said...

Lorrie, for some reason, whenever I say the "F" word in front of my teenage and twenty-something year old daughters, they LAUGH hysterically.(almost to the point that I am worried that they are going to wet their pants!) We had a little "incident" recently in which my dear husband put a ceramic cup in the microwave(NOT ONE OF YOURS, thank goodness!) and as I was standing with my back to the door, the darn thing EXPLODED! Well, all I could feel was the impact from the explosion and the sound of flying ceramic pieces all over the back of my head which sent me screaming, "F__K, F__k, EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!" "GET THE DOG!" At which point I looked around at my husband and my four daughters all sitting calmly doing whatever they were doing before the MASSIVE EXPLOSION(That's how I remember it, anyway.), watching me make a mad dash for the door. It was then that the hysterical laughter began with the very OVER-THE-TOP imitations of their dear, concerned, life-saving Mother, who was not in the least bit amused!(I sure am now, when they show me what it all looked like.) Oh I have other wonderful examples, but I can only embarrass myself once a day in public.

I am so glad that you made it to Florida and got to read the entire Twilight series, which I LOVED! I saw some of my daughter's friends reading it, so I had to find out what was causing them all to enjoy reading so much. Needless to say, I loved it just as much as they did!

Can't wait to hear about the rest of your trip!


Ruby said...

Good for you, Lorrie, for busting out the f bomb AND the tears!

If the government is reading your blog, does that mean they are reading your comments too? Just curious... For no real reason, Mr./Ms. Government person...

Le said...

lordy lord lord !!! wow reading your blog ... the government ... you must be a secret weapon or something !! le xoxo

Anonymous said...

Good one! I'm ear-to-ear grin over the success of tears. I'll pass that one onto my mild-mannered BIL/biology professor who is on TSA's watch list--maybe it'll make a difference next time he flies.

Didn't you love the Twilight series?! Lucky girl reading them on the beach.

Jennifer Chronicles ( said...

VERY GOOD TO KNOW THIS. I would have sobbed, too. They would have had to get a skycap and a wheelchair.