Thursday, June 04, 2009

Jane! Is In Da NeST

Guest Post by RETIRED (snort) BLOGGER Jane! Proof enough that blogging really is like the mafia.

Hidey ho, Mud-hens!


Chief chicken-keeper Lorrie, is off doing some very important, mother/wife/potter things today.

Okay, I actually have no clue what’s going on. I don’t ask questions, I just jump on the chance to freelance blog.

Emphasis on the FREE part so please remember that you get what you pay for.

No, no, don’t leave! She’ll be back and I’m sure she’ll be giving away something fabulous just for commenting on this post.

Okaynotreally, but stay with me anyway, ‘kay? I’m kind of nervous.

I’ve never done this before.

I am a guest blogging virgin.

Woops.

Is the word ‘virgin’ Nonnee approved? I promised Lorrie I'd behave.

I may also be a bit rusty because a while back I gave up blogging so I could catch up on some of the neglected pieces of my life - like cleaning out the glove and mitten tub and replacing my broken shoelaces. Oh and grocery shopping, because all things edible evaporate like cheap perfume at my house.

Now before you all start pushing and shoving your way onto the blogditching bus, I better tell you it hasn’t been ALL romp and frolic. I have actually learned some things.

Firstly, I discovered that our home has probably been robbed by a large band of one-handed thieves with cold hands.

Secondly, that shoelace manufacturers totally LIE to you about how many eyelets their product will accommodate. And let me tell you, Miss Snotty Shoe-Clerk, if I had the whole shoelace to measure for replacement, I wouldn’t NEED a replacement! I am completely capable of tying knots, but not in phantom laces.

Perhaps the hardest puzzle fo my pea brain to process has been how to determine the price of things I would like to buy. Well, not really LIKE to buy because I never really LIKE to spend my money, especially on things I buy, bring home and never see again. I think our freezer has a leak.

Even though I do numbers for a living, retail is seriously causing a tumor to grow over my good nature. I’ve put up with the 99-cent lie forever because I can understand that perhaps $16.99 may sound a whole lot cheaper than $17 to someone who, say, can’t count. Or think.

One of the reasons I used to adore my beloved Tarzsay was their plain pricing. Items were $2 or $17 or $156! Not $99.99! They didn’t try to mess with my head. But these days, although I still loves the Big Red Bullseye, I have to think they have let the freaky pricing wonks infiltrate their staff - excuse me, their team membership.

Not only does $2 peanut butter share an ad page with $1.99 deodorant, but now they are selling fart fiber bars for 2 for $5. Not $2.50 or even $2.49, but 2 for $5! I imagine this is their way of getting me to buy more than one box.

Two for $5! Well, of course I must by TWO!

And once I’m hooked, it’ll be 3 for $8! And not only will I buy THREE, but I probably won’t even notice that the price has gone up because the purchasing lobe in my brain and my bowels will no longer be my own!

Okay, then please explain why the lunch-thingables are going for $1.25 while the pimped-up ramen is selling 4 for $5? Is there a reason I shouldn’t buy more than one thingable? Is this a conspiracy? Are you saying I’m fat?!?!

That’s it, I bet! Only dry noodles for Ms. Mega-thighs in You-tah!

I wonder if GM has considered using this creative pricing thing to pull itself out of bankruptcy. They already tried the 99 method, which was not highly successful because, now tell me, when you dicker the price of a car, would you EVER say to the salesman 'I give you $24,999 for that F950'? No, you would probably just say ‘I give you $19 thou, my old Bronco and a date with my slutty sister if you toss in the gun rack’.

You wouldn’t? Oh.

Well, I think GM should try selling by the seat. For instance, instead of listing a Yukon for $39,999* they should advertise it at the low, low price of just $5137 per passenger*. Sounds like a better deal, huh? And the average car buyer probably doesn’t have enough fingers to figure out that that multiplies out to $41,056 for the 8-seater and suddenly we have an extra $1000 back in the bailout fund!

Sounds nothing but win/win to me.

I do have to hope that they don’t try the 3 for $100,000 thing because my family is going to need a new auto soon and there is NOT room for THREE in my driveway.

‘Cause, if they’re 3fer…. I have to buy 3…. right?



Peace, love, Mud!


*On approved credit, other restrictions may apply. See dealer for complete details on how to spend more than you can probably afford.

30 comments:

Gina (Mannyed) said...

JANNEEE! HI!!! (Hi Lorrie!) So why is it that Obama didn't contact you to help rebuild; restructure, rewhatever GM?

Come be a guest blogger on my poor, neglected blog next! : )

Miss you

Miss Thystle said...

You make my tiny, black, accountants heart happy when you blog about money!

binks said...

JANE!!! Only YOU could make me laugh at the depressing state that is the government right now.
The leak in my refridgerator was mysteriously repaired when my 19 yo son moved out. Curious...
Thanks Lorri for bringing back the beloved Jane!, even if she is a g.b. virgin.

Kr√ęg said...

So you blog for others for FREE?!?
Fantastic. You're hired.

lisa said...

So nice to see you again. And hilarious, at that. Loved it. Don't stay way too long.

Nonnee said...

Good job, Jane.

I can't for a moment believe this is a virginal experience - waaaay too accomplished.

Have you found my missing socks that the sock fairy keeps taking away?

SassyPants said...

You're absolutely right. I've gotten sucked in many a time by the BUY 2 suggestion, and more often than not have ended up with two boxes of something that tastes like the cardboard part of a toliet paper roll.

Damn corporate America and its mind games.

Sheri and George said...

Jane
Thank God you came back! I have missed your wonderful sense of humor! So you can be had for FREE? Hmm something to ponder.
I have lots of single mittens and socks if you're looking for matches maybe I can help you out in that department.
Hope you come out of hiding more often now that you've got that virgin thing out of the way. Miss you and your wonderfully funny blogs

Kat said...

THIS would be why we want you back Jane!

Rachel@just another day in paradise said...

oh, my head hurts. . .I can't keep up with the numbers. . .

Laoch of Chicago said...

Hi Jane, it is always amusing to see you again. I miss you. Good wishes.

rpc said...

Somewhere there is an alternate universe which contains all of those lost socks and gloves. They have fallen through a hole in the space-time continuum wotsit, never to be seen here again.

Jenjen @GottaLoveMom said...

Jane, that was amusing...I'd love to see your reaction when you buy 2 for $5 and realize that you can also buy one just for $2.50 :)
Can't buy anything since GM decided to go downhill without telling me beforehand, oh well...
For a newbie, you did awesome!
Have a great week :)

Jan said...

Nice to read you Jane! Missed you and actually thought you would be back blogging. I think that it is just like riding a bicycle? What do you think?

lizspin said...

Oh Jane! How I've missed you!

Shanna said...

I'll take ya where I can get ya! Glad to read you again...you've been missed!!! :)

Tracie said...

Jane I miss you!!

Eliza said...

Glad you blogged again, I only just found you, and you stopped!!!!!!!!!

Jen said...

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant!

Lucky Wife/Bookaholic said...

awesome... You must guest blog from time to time... If you ever need a blog fix, let me know... I'll hook you up.

Emilie said...

I checked out your site from the Blogger Awards and liked it. I voted for you. I hope you win.

Please check out my site nominated for the best blog design. http://bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/73022. I hope you will vote for me also.

Emilie
Cute Obsession

Natasha said...

Jane...I cannot stop laughing...you should totally be required daily reading especially given the current economy...love it...cheers Jane and hugs to you Lorrie...you made my freakin' day

Professor Shoelace said...

To work out the correct shoelace length for your shoes, here's an approximation:

1. Vertical distance between two eyelets, divided by 5;
3. Add horizontal distance between two eyelets;
4. Multiply by total number of eyelets (eg. 6 pairs = 12 eyelets);
5. Add 500 mm (or 20 inches if you prefer imperial).

For an even more exact length, you could also use my Shoelace Length Calculator.

Becca said...

Jane!

I am so glad that you posted! Now don't you be a stranger! Life is important, but so is blogging, and you are in the blogging family, we know how to find you! :-)

Kathy B! said...

You are now obligated to return to the blogosphere on a regular basis! Otherwise it would just be cruel to come and taunt us like this :)

Loved this post. I am off to the store... you've reminded me of all the food that is not present in my household. I hope there's a sale...

Domestic Goddess said...

Jane! I follow you anywhere, especially when it means a return from a self imposed exile! W00t!!! Jane! Jane! Jane!

Now I'm hungry. And Canadians don't have a Tarjay. *sniffle*

Texas Mammie said...

YOU'RE BACK! If only in visitor form. Great post. You can come be my visitor poster ANY time!!!

xoxo
Dana

gail said...

Jane. This is me smiling. Miss you.

Noanie said...

Jane,

I hope you are enjoying your respite. Missing your wit - so much so that I hardly ever blog anymore - that and it's so much easier to post a simple sentence on Facebook.
Be well. Peace

j said...

Jane! We've missed you.Thanks Lorrie. I maybe a little late but why are we in such a hurry anyway?
j