Monday, June 08, 2009

ToP SeCReT BloG


TIPPY TOP SECRET UBER CONFIDENTIAL POST

The Sky Is Falling, Chickens.

I have heard on good authority that a huge meteorite is about to hit Earth, blasting our planet into smithereens. The government left weeks ago for a secret hide out on Mars, leaving lookalikes in their place (really--I know you noticed something seemed a little different about Obama lately.) Only people who read this blog are allowed to be in the know, so please keep this information to yourself.

You now have three choices in terms of reacting to the news above:

1. GO ON A RAMPAGE
Now that you know the rules of society are meaningless, you need not worry about punishment. Let loose and go sow some oats. Steal, fight, pillage and destroy. For many of you this will mean basically sticking to your routine but kicking it up a notch.

2. PREPARE FOR THE AFTERLIFE
Find the nearest church, temple, synagogue or mosque and give it your all in an attempt at last minute salvation. Buy the Cliff Notes for the Bible, the Koran, or a Martha Stewart Cookbook. Ask a Higher Power for Redemption. Note-this option is not compatible with Option Number One.

3. SIT IN FRONT OF YOUR TELEVISION
Stare at the screen in numbed disbelief. You may not even notice much change from everyday life.

THIS JUST IN: Scratch all of the above. Turns out it's just Monday.

14 comments:

Jane! said...

Whew. I just paid my credit card bill and I was going to be WAY pissed if what you said was true.

Blue said...

but Jane, dear, if it WERE true, then it wouldn't matter if you'd paid it or not. You could just go out on the biggest OnceInAPlanetShoppingSpree ever!

and darlingest Lorrie, i have this big, fabulous cup that helps me out, not just on mondays, but pretty much every day. i call it my "I can do it" bowl, and sometimes after eating my breakfast out of it, I have to wash it and use it again for lunch to maintain my resolve. it's kind of like the heart the Wizzard gave the tin man. just the little reminder i need every day. i should loan it to you.

&hearts you!

Jen said...

I'm so glad the end of the world isn't coming because I still have weight to lose. I'd like to be thinner for the end of the world. At least I'd go out looking good.

PearlsOfSomething said...

I'm going to sit in front of the television anyway.

Miss Thystle said...

shoot. I shouldn't have skimmed this post. I just did some very bad things. Can you just say I was with you the whole time?

Also, I just formed a church called The Church of the Bananagrabber because Godhasablog let me rename Jeebus. His new name is Carlos Bandito Bananagrabber, Jr and God says it's okay to pray to him now.

But not to use his name in vain.

In Bananagrabbers name, Amen.

Zakary said...

I have been worshipping at the church of Bananagraggers since I was 16.

pgwfolc said...

Hey! It wasn't just Monday! It was my birthday!

Which, yes, is an event of global cataclysmic proportion.

I humbly accept your blind panic as the tribute it clearly was.

Thank you.

(As for you, 30... Goodbye. You won't be missed.)

rpc said...

I'm not taking any chances. I've already started work on my spaceship.

Logical Libby said...

I cannot tell you how many people call my office every day to tell us the world is going to end. But they aren't kidding...

Kr√ęg said...

Ha! I've out-smarted Monday by ignoring it until Tuesday.

Tuesday - Lamest of all the weekdays. Not as hectic as Monday, not as "hump" filled as Wednesday. Just raw lameness.

Bj in Dallas said...

what day is it?

Debra W said...

Lorrie,

I think you might need to wrap the tinfoil just a bit tighter around your head. The messages seem to come in much clearer that way.

MWAH, dear one.

Hugs,
Deb

Debbie said...

I slept through Monday with a small virus I was not very fond of. I really need to sleep with better things.

Kathy B! said...

Shoot. I was all ready to go sow some wild oats... Now what am I gonna do :(