Monday, January 25, 2010


Happy Monday Chickens! I hope you brought your insurance information, because the doctor is in.

OHN wrote:
I have this little thing, over here, now down a little...what is it?

Depends on where you are pointing to, Ohn; the internets makes it a bit difficult to see. If Kreg had written this question I would know EXACTLY what it was, the words "little" and "down" being a dead giveaway. But since it's you, I'm gonna go with a diagnosis of random acne. Most people don't realize pimples can literally pop up anywhere-which would ordinarily lead me to a long story about how I once thought I had a woman's type of cancer because of a weird thing in an odd place --but we're not billing hourly here and I have other patients to see. So I recommend you dab a little Neosporin on it and see if it goes away. If that doesn't work, try Witch Hazel. And drink more. It's my opinion that you can dry out anything if you put enough alcohol inside.

KREG wrote:
Ok doc, what is medically wrong with this person?

I'm glad you asked Kreg, because I am exceptional at celebrity diagnosis. I was one of the first to deduce that Britney had a problem with the crazy. So I'm gonna go with my gut on this one and give you a rational explanation for Amy's behavior. When I was younger, my mother would brush my hair in the morning and she would ask me if rats had crawled into my hair while I was sleeping. I would allow her to work out the snarls and tangles because we shared a common goal of RIDDING ME OF THE RATS" NEST AT THE BACK OF MY NECK. Now obviously, Amy gave up and the rats have moved in and built a condo-and that;'s enough to make any girl look like this. So my solution is:

And I am sure that if she will take my medical advice it will be easier for her to kick the heroin, cocaine and meth problems that are a result of having a bad hair day.

Hi! I'm Amy Wrote;
I have that rundown feelin, my head goes a reelin'. I'm nervous, jumpy & on the edge. Is it neuritis, neuralgia, a head cold or stress?
Or maybe its my sinus drainage?

It's quite obvious she has the Boogie Woogie Blues. Or maybe it's the Rockin Pneumonia. I recommend that you buy an Enya CD, draw yourself a bubble bath scented with eucalyptus, and make sure you are drinking plenty of chardonnay.

Beaux wrote:
I'm sick of work and sometimes I just want to ring my coworkers' necks. Should I quit or should I just suck it up? I talked this over with Dr. House, but I didn't really think I could trust his judgment. Plus he had these watery eyes that just kept blinking and staring out into space. And then of course I am walking around with one foot in the air because I'm trying to kick someones ass. Should I just keep both feet on the ground or try to adjust to this routine of hopping?
I look forward to your response, mostly because hopping is really hard to do for long periods of time.

First of all, Beaux, holding in your anger at your co workers is not healthy and can lead to all sorts of problems, so you should probabaly either start peeing in the company coffee maker, or pick up a copy of How We Handle Work Stress at The Post Office. And put both feet UP. Preferably on the end of a couch while your wife fetches you the television remote. Hopping is very bad for anyone. Having flesh that wiggles is Nature's way of saying Don't Do It.

Finally, BJ wrote:
I have no OFF switch. Even when I sleep, I am rearranging furniture in public areas,conversing with the sled team because they can talk, or driving a 747 like a car down the street (multiple times), in fact the last time I was driving 'the big bird', I rolled down the window and put my arm out to signal a left hand turn. I find humor in too many things that others would not understand, and actually, if I verbalized everything that goes in and out of my head, I would have been locked up with the huggy jacket a loooonnngggg time ago.

My professional opinion is that you may need a little chemical help with some of that free floating mania hyperactivity schizophrenia energy ...please watch the video below and call me in the morning.

I'll be here all week people.


Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

How We Handle Work Stress at The Post Office, that is a brilliant idea. I'm heading out right now.
I think they should encourage their post office people to maybe pick up their own copies. I'm just saying...

Linda said...

I am loving this feature, The Doctor is In.

My question is: "I don't feel lika doin' anythin cept crafting and being online." But I gotta, lke work ... What should I do?

Tracy said...

Hilarious! I wish I could come up with half the stuff you do...

Hi, I'm Amy! said...

Oh Lorrie! You were supposed to prescribe me Jeremiah Peabody's Polyunsaturated Quick-Dissolving Fast-Acting Pleasant-Tasting Green and Purple Pills! Don't tell me you aren't a Ray Stevens fan!? C'mon! :)

OHN said...

What? No pills. What kind of medical professional are you anyway? I just won't pay my bill. That will teach you.

Bj in Dallas said...

they tried to send me to rehab, I said noo, noo, noo.....

you should see me sing it

will you double bill my insurance and split it with me????

Bj in Dallas said...

opps forgot my WV


they were smokin the joystra and watching The Ramones

rpc said...

Dear Dr. Lorrie,

Please help me with my addiction. It all started innocently enough, back in 2006 I looked at the Our Name is Mud website and wondered why there was a Blog. I hesitated, then CLICKED that link. It was manageable for a while. There were very few comments back then, and I managed to lurk silently for quite some time. Suddenly the comments dramatically increased - the next thing I knew I was adding to them myself! No more anonymity! Even worse was when I took the fatal step of clicking on links to other blogs. Sometimes I even comment on them! HELP ME PLEASE! I'd describe more symptoms but I have to go and check on Thystle and the others.

Jennifer said...

At what point do you prescribe Pinot Noir? Or a nice Syrah? What would that cure?

ZDub said...

Yes, please prescribe me wine and nachos. I'm supposed to be on a diet.

P.S. Look for a post featuring Jeff's forearms later this week JUST FOR YOU.