Thursday, August 19, 2010
THe SeCReT To HaPPiNeSS SWaLLoWed
So chickens, many of you will remember my attempts at losing weight with Jenny Craig which were thwarted when Miffy, the Jenny Craig consultant, refused to work two glasses of wine into my meal plan. So ultimately I joined Kirstie Alley at the Dunkin Donuts counter, and any pounds I had managed to lose on that plan came home and brought a few friends with them.
I am about to embark on yet another attempt to fit into skinny jeans and tuck my t shirts in and I think this time I have found a weight loss plan that is going to work for me.
Because it includes magic pills.
And not just pills- the other day the doctor handed me a syringe and told me to put the needle in my thigh and shoot myself full of B12. And our conversation went a little bit like this:
ME: "I don't think I can do this."
DR.: You can do this.
ME: Ummm, no...I don't think I can do this.
DR.: Yes, you can do this.
ME: Why don't you do it first and then if it's not so bad I'll do the next one.
DR.: No. You can do this.
ME: Seriously..I cannot stick a needle in my leg.
DR.: Yes you can.
And this is why doctors make a bajillion dollars because after about 15 minutes of that back and forth I actually stuck that needle in my own thigh. YAY ME. Who knew that shooting up could feel like such an accomplishment.
And then I got three envelopes of pills and they are called: THE YELLOW PILL, THE PURPLE PILL and THE WHITE PILL. And let me tell you chickens that I have not felt this good since the 80s and I could just throw my hair up in a scrunchie and go dancing. One of the listed side effects of THE YELLOW PILL is euphoria. FDA approved, it actually says Possible Side Effects: Euphoria. And I have it! I have that side effect! And it is so much better than the dry mouth I got from my last batch of antibiotics. Now chickens, the other side effect they list is DRUG ABUSE and ADDICTION, which is why they only allow you to take THE YELLOW PILL for 3-4 weeks tops but in the meantime, I am going to train for a marathon, write my autobiography and alphabetize my kitchen cabinets. This afternoon.