UuNaTTeNDeD CHiLDReN

Real things The Spawn said this week:

ME: What are you doing getting a juice box out of the fridge before dinner? You know we don't have juice before dinner.
BANANA: It's not juice mom. It's a cocktail.

ME: Why won't you eat your Falafel?
CBOY: Because you said it was made from chicken pee, and I don't eat chicken pee.

Speaking of childen, on another google image troll for work I found a series of these signs:
















Now...where did I put those children.....

THe SeCReT To HaPPiNeSS SWaLLoWed

So chickens, many of you will remember my attempts at losing weight with Jenny Craig which were thwarted when Miffy, the Jenny Craig consultant, refused to work two glasses of wine into my meal plan. So ultimately I joined Kirstie Alley at the Dunkin Donuts counter, and any pounds I had managed to lose on that plan came home and brought a few friends with them.

I am about to embark on yet another attempt to fit into skinny jeans and tuck my t shirts in and I think this time I have found a weight loss plan that is going to work for me.

Because it includes magic pills.

And not just pills- the other day the doctor handed me a syringe and told me to put the needle in my thigh and shoot myself full of B12. And our conversation went a little bit like this:
ME: "I don't think I can do this."
DR.: You can do this.
ME: Ummm, no...I don't think I can do this.
DR.: Yes, you can do this.
ME: Why don't you do it first and then if it's not so bad I'll do the next one.
DR.: No. You can do this.
ME: Seriously..I cannot stick a needle in my leg.
DR.: Yes you can.
And this is why doctors make a bajillion dollars because after about 15 minutes of that back and forth I actually stuck that needle in my own thigh. YAY ME. Who knew that shooting up could feel like such an accomplishment.

And then I got three envelopes of pills and they are called: THE YELLOW PILL, THE PURPLE PILL and THE WHITE PILL. And let me tell you chickens that I have not felt this good since the 80s and I could just throw my hair up in a scrunchie and go dancing. One of the listed side effects of THE YELLOW PILL is euphoria. FDA approved, it actually says Possible Side Effects: Euphoria. And I have it! I have that side effect! And it is so much better than the dry mouth I got from my last batch of antibiotics. Now chickens, the other side effect they list is DRUG ABUSE and ADDICTION, which is why they only allow you to take THE YELLOW PILL for 3-4 weeks tops but in the meantime, I am going to train for a marathon, write my autobiography and alphabetize my kitchen cabinets. This afternoon.

STaSH

I spent last weekend surfing the internet and eating bon bons cleaning Chez Veasey from top to bottom because over the course of the summer, our abode has come to look a bit like an out-take from HOARDERS. It's all that packing and unpacking and packing and unpacking and packing and before you know it, THIS:



Turns into THIS:


Only mine is ten times worse. And involved a cat box. SexyHusbandoMine tries to be a help. Sometimes he takes my folded laundry and places it on top of my dresser and then tells me sweetly that he would have put it away except HE DIDN'T KNOW WHERE IT WENT. And everytime I cry and throw pans at his head bemoan the amount of work cleaning up after he and The Spawn involves, he suggest we get a HOUSECLEANER. At which point I always say no, because I know he is thinking:



And I'm thinking: no way is anybody getting into my house with the bathroom looking like that. Everyone knows that you have to clean up BEFORE you can get a cleaning lady. Sheesh. So I spent a romantic weekend with this guy:


And while dancing around the house to the music my children don't like when I play, I came across an alarming discovery in Complicated Boy's room. Faithful readers of this blog will remember that it was only last year when I stumbled upon my Maidenform bra tags carefully tucked away in his sock drawer. This time, I cleaned out a canvas bucket full of baseball cards, action figures, a thousand silly bands, and found this....




And I was all like WHAT THE HECK IS THIS IN MY CHILD'S ROOM AND WHY DOES IT SMELL FUNNY and I stood tapping my foot at the doorway until Sexyhusbandomine arrived home and I thrust it into his face and demanded he tell me WHAT IT WAS.

At which point Sexyhusbandomine very helpfully said that he didn't know what it was, but that if it was pot it was a real bummer because it had so many sticks in it.

Which is about as helpful as stacking the clothes on top of a dresser and saying you don't know where they go.

Anyhoo, turns out it is catnip. And part of a mad scientist experiment. Phew. Apparently catnip still gives a good buzz...even if there are a lot of sticks in it.

HiGHWaY To HeLL

TRAVEL TIPS FROM LORRIE based on last week's journey to Hades trip.

1. Do not assume that just because your six year old has not thrown up for the past four months that it is safe to remove all plastic bags, baby wipes, and changes of clothing from the car. This is basically giving the middle finger to the Gods of Car Sickness. Also: Dramamine has an expiration date. Who Knew.

2. If you have two children, make absolutely sure you do not have only ONE pack of chocolate covered pretzels in the snack bag or there will be conflict that makes the whole Israel-Palestine thing look like a "discussion."

3. Do not purchase Mel Brook's DRACULA: DEAD AND LOVING IT starring Leslie Nielsen and assume you have now furnished some form of entertainment for the five hour trip.

4. When the six year old throws up unexpectedly do not turn around, unbuckle your seat belt and attempt to catch it with your hands. Doing so will cause the vomit to run down your wrists and up under your arms, saturating your bra with partially digested chocolate covered pretzels.

5. If your wife attempts to catch your six year old's throw up in her outstretched hands (see number 4) do not then yell at her if she begins to gag and tell her you will kill her if she throws up too. Just shut off the bell that keeps ringing from her unbuckled seat belt, quiet the sibling that is screaming how gross it is, AND O MY GAWD JUST FIND THE NEAREST EXIT, OK?

6. Never travel a route where there are stretches of highway where you can't find an exit or place to stop for 20-25 minutes. AND O MY GAWD JUST FIND A FLIPPING EXIT ALREADY.

7. If you finally find a place to stop, it would be better to throw the clothing into the woods where it will ultimately decompose and become compost than to place it into a bag you find in the trunk and forget about it for a week.

8. It is ok to never roll the windows up in your car ever again. (see number 7)

Happy Travels!

On VaCaTioN

Hello Chickens,
I will be out o town the rest of this week and not able to blog but I will be back on Monday and I will Have Stories. Even if I have to make them up. Or steal someone else's. In the meantime, I leave you with another NEW product launch coming to a fine retailer near you soon. Our new website is still slated to go live in September: have you marked your calendar? In the comments below, let me know what YOU love.