THe ReJeCTS

In the spirit of celebrating the 5th Anniversary of my 100th Blog Post, may I present a special edition of BLOGS THAT NEVER WERE.

These are actual drafts, sitting dormant in my blogger account in cyberspace...until now. Here are the first sentences of Blogs Not Published in the past three months:

Since purchasing the complete collection of The Brady Bunch on DVD, we have figured out that going to church is unnecessary... Mike Brady is a Moral Hard Ass.


It's never a good thing when your husband calls you while he's naked in the bathroom and says "Honey, can you come take a look at this?"


I often make the mistake of thinking that if I didn't enjoy the food, that the calories in it are imaginary: for example, the whole bag of rice cakes I just consumed.


The problem with your kids acting up when you have guests over is that you can't beat them in front of the company, and later you're usually too drunk to remember what it was they did that made you want to whip the tar out of them.


I think it's time I shared my birth story with you all, Chickens.


It's DECEMBER and we have been late to school 22 times in the past four months because of ComplicatedBoy's bowels.


Dear Scuzzball who Stole My iPhone and thought it was funny to text me the word BITCH...


On a Scale of 1-10 for Mothers, 1 being NO MORE WIRE HANGERS and 10 being I HOMESCHOOL AND COOK ORGANIC, I consider myself a very firm 6.75 or 7.2.


While Sexyhusbandomine was doing shots at a house party, I was performing topless in an Athol Fugard play.


Chickens, I have been reading many of your blogs lately, and I have some advice for each of you....

YoU DoN'T BRiNG Me FLoWeRS

Hola Chickens.

If you are greedy CURIOUS like my dear friend Kristin , you might be wondering whatever happened to plans to celebrate my FIVE HUNDRETH BLOG POST.

Of course, there was controversy at first as Kreg got out his abacus and questioned the VALIDITY of it being my 500th post...but I set him straight about that AND the whole Kennedy Assassination thing. So now I owe him a drink next time I spot Elvis, and even though this just may be my 505th post, we're gonna say that this is my 496 post because... O MY GAWD THESE NUMBERS ARE HURTING MY HEAD.

So how are we celebrating and who wins that plaque?

I should give the plaque to my dear friend Ruth (RPC in comments) who wrote me and asked what the traditional gift is for a 500th blog anniversary. DIAMONDS I answered (even though I meant cash) So Ruth showed up at my studio yesterday with DIAMONDS.



52 of those babies. CAN THERE BE A GREATER GIFT THAN TO GIVE SOMEONE A PUN? I think not, Chickens. Ruth clearly knows the way to my hearts--in spades. And to further seal the deal she gave me this:



This is Ruth and her gift for me. That is a bottle of fine award winning Strawberry Wine that SHE MADE HERSELF with no help from Mr. Bartle and Mr. James. I lerves me some wine RUTH! Yay Ruth! Woot! Woot! Too bad she doesn't have a blog, so we gave her a wine glass.

You can win the plaque by SENDING ME A PAPER CARD OR POSTCARD YOU HAVE MADE BY YOURSELF. No Hallmark missives for me, chickens--get out your crayons, your markers, your half tubes of lipsticks and scrawl a few words and send them to me here:
Lorrie Veasey
c/o OUR NAME IS MUD
224 WEst 29th Street
5th Floor
NYC NY 10001
MUST BE RECEIVED BY NEXT THURSDAY AUGUST 13.

Extra points if you use G L I T T E R.

Now you have plans for the weekend!

THe BiG SeXY

I know when most of you think of the words SEXY and PONCHO together; quite a few images comes to mind. The most common would probably be this one:

then of course, if you say SEXY and PONCHO together three times fast, you might summon this mental picture:

Some of you who are older than dirt of a certain age, might confuse PONCHO with PUNCH and get a SEXY PUNCH.

Maybe you are thinking you are too sexy for your cat? Are you too sexy for a cat in a poncho? I think not.

But in order to be a TRULY SEXY PONCHO, it's not about the garment. It's not even about who is in the garment.


It's all about HOW YOU WEAR THE GARMENT. Just ask Sexyhusbandomine.

Why is this the ultimate SEXY PONCHO? Because apparently when you decide to wear it like this, rain can trickle down the neck area, completely wetting the entire front of your Tshirt.

What is not sexy: Spending the rest of the day complaining to your wife that you are wet and soaked because you wanted to keep your ears out.

OuR SuMMeR VaCaTioN By THe SPaWN

BANANA:
I am having lots of fun on my summer vacation. Most of the time Mommy tries to stick me in camps that don't end until after cocktail hour, but last week we got to go to NEW HAMPSHIRE. On the way, we stopped at this place called Old Sturbridge Village. It was really old. I thought it was GREAT!


CBOY: I think they should have invented air conditioning A LOT sooner than they did.

BANANA:
I got to get a hat and dress up and churn butter and hear a fascinating story about how brooms are made! It was AWESOME!


CBOY:
WooHoo I think I figured out a way to enjoy the breeze!


BANANA:
When we got to the cabin it rained. It rained and it rained and it rained and it rained. Do you think this poncho makes my butt look like a ku klux klan member?


CBOY:
Dad threw up, there was no tv, and the mosquitos ate us alive. This blogging thing is pretty easy.

BANANA:
Hey give me back the keyboard.

CBOY:
I had it first.

BANANA:
I'm telling.

From my iphone

We are in a cabin in the backwoods of new Hampshire on day two of what looks like will be four days of rain. Sexuhusbandomine has the stomach flu and I do not know how to drive and cannot get to the walmart I know must be around here in order to buy food. The Mosquitos are as big as bumblebees and are attacking the children. More later if my phone battery doesn't die.

I WouLDN'T MiND HiS LiPS oN Me

Happy Monday Chickens!

One of my mugs makes a huge guest appearance on this segment of Craig Ferguson. Our part starts at 2:12.



I will be on vacation this week. Who wants to guest blog? Let me know what your subject would be in the comments below.

BRiNGiNG HoMe THe BaCoN

Banana LOVES Bacon. She wants to grow up and marry bacon, and have little sausage links. Bananna will be turning the Big Six in September, and I have already started shopping for her birthday-because you know how hard it is to buy for little girls. Especially little girls who like Meat Candy.

I headed right for the search engine at ETSY. First, I bought her this fabulous Happy Bacon Necklace

For only Eight Bucks at a great etsy shop called sacredflesh.. It is all kinds of awesome, given that bacon is one of the most BEAUTIFUL THINGS ON EARTH. And of course, if you're gonna have the necklace, you gotta have this bacon bracelet...it's to fry for.

This is from a little shop called Diffraction. which is full of great photographic jewelry and prints. The bacon looks so real it will make your mouth water, imagine the sound of it frying which sounds oddly like applause...YAY BACON.
Then I got her something warm and delicious to sleep with at night....

From a funtastic store called Larksmoon. This item is awesome--a substantial piece of plush bacon--and that's great because you know how in real life, you fry up a pound of the stuff and end up with a bookmark.

That's what I have purchased for her so far--very crispy, dontcha think? Here are other items I am considering:
Here are some Bacon Magnets

$4.99 at DesignDude.

How about wrapping yourself in some bacon? It's what chefs do to make other foods taste better, after all. It's not like we would gobble down waterchestnuts without it.

$29.95 at PoorCollegeStudent.

A piece of POCKET BACON. Don't leave home without it.

A Bargain at $3.50 from a shop called Spidercamp
How about some bacon and egg soap?

A good way to get clean if you sweat like a pig--Only $5.50 from LoveLeeSoaps
Dress up your pig pen with some bacon wall art

$40.00 from beepart
And finally-this little pin

Just $1.75 fom sweetmeats.

Vert tasteful. dontcha think? You know the thing about bacon is...after you have it you just want MORE BACON. I'm off to find a breakfast buffet.....

A DaY iN My LiFe

A Typical Day in the Glamorous Life of Mrs. Veasey



- Wake up at 7 am: possibly not in my own bed, next to a male who is not my husband. Flashback to the eighties, then realize it is because ComplicatedBoy had another bad dream. Sexyhusbandomine is bright eyed and bushy tailed after going for a run at 6 am. I make him work a full 15 minutes at Getting Me out of Bed.

- Have the first of what are usually 10-12 cups of tea during the course of the day. Because CAFFEINE IS CREATIVE LIGHTER FLUID.

- Won't bore you with the sordid details of getting CBoy and Banana ready for camp except to say that if I ever won the lottery the first thing I would buy is a place with TWO FULL BATHROOMS. Sexyhusbandomine packs the lunches. I am in charge of the MOST IMPORTANT THING in the lunch: The Note. Which creatively, is SUCKING ME DRY. How many different ways can you write: "I hope you are having a good day at camp, I love you, see you later?" NEED MORE LIGHTER FLUID.


- Make it to the bus stop by 8 am, largely because Sexyhusbandomine drives the family out the door like he's competing in a dog sled race. Say a prayer to the Gods of Car Sickness that Banana won't throw up, and that if she does, she will be able to fit her head into the 2 gallon zip lock baggie provided for that purpose. Last week was Mythical Creatures Day, and she went dressed as a fairy, and must have been a sight puking all over the sidewalk in her purple wings and tutu, holding her wand up in the air.

- Work: Dance, Monkey, Dance. By the way: Artists Make Terrible Slaves. I kid. Sorta.

- Pick the children up at the bus stop, which is conveniently located next to a fruit stand. The man who owns the stand missed his calling selling crack. He had my children hooked on free mangos the very first day. Now every afternoon we're shelling out hard earned money for exotic treats like white cherries and plumots.

- Go home and begin THE PILES OF HOMEWORK that have been assigned for the summer by sadistic teachers who are laughing into their umbrella drinks as they think of us struggling to get CBoy to begin work on His Novel-which is just ONE of numerous assignments which include finding a cure for cancer and building your own computer.




CBoy is re-writing Peter Pan. His version (AND I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP) features Wendy from the Burger Chain, Michael Jackson, and John McCain. I think he's got a future at MAD magazine.

- Dinner cooked by Sexyhusbandomine. Whatever it is, it usually tastes like chicken.

- A rousing Game of UNO, anyone?


- Bath, Books , Bed. I am going to gloss over this part too, as some of you might be reading this at work.

- So many choices-so little free time. Conversation? Computer? Collages? Probably TV. Cause nothing makes you feel like you're doing something valuable with your life like getting sucked into some reality programming on VH1 or Bravo.

And this people, is why blogging has been so sporadic as of late. So please write your own notes in your own lunches, chickens, mama's tired.

HaVe SoMe LauNCH

Happy Friday, Chickens.

I realize I didn't finish showing you highlights of my June launch for OUR NAME IS MUD, and since there have not been any Blog-Worthy moments at Chez Veasey this week, it's a good time to score brownie points with my boss show you some more introductions.

First up- I designed some COIN PURSES. These are large enough to hold a credit card and a small container of mace. Some are for "Pet Lovers":

And then another set is for Shpaholics.


I also made some new products for the office, including these desk pads.

and


I also published my first book and made my first stuffed animal!!

It's a book and plush combo.


And the last thing I have to share is this little guy--perfect for any blogger you know.


This is a great way to make a friend feel loved next Valentines Day. Totally. Completely. Obsessively.

Those are the highlights! Coming in the fall to a fine retailer near you.

GaY PaReeee

The words we used as children to hurt each other on the playground have not really changed much since the days when I wore braids. Just yesterday, ComplicatedBoy came home upset from a day at camp because another child had called him GAY all day.

Cboy thought this was meant as an Insult, even though CBoy doesn't think there is anything wrong with being Gay.

Cboy has two special Godmothers: one named Robert, and one named Ed. CBoy knows that Uncle Robert loves Uncle Ed because they nag each other in the Exact Same Way Sexyhusbandomine and I do. Because nothing says True Love like criticizing the way someone does the housework.

We have discussed how we think Uncle Robert and Uncle Ed should be allowed to get married so that they can be miserable like the rest of us can have the same rights and privileges that other couples do. Cboy knows that sometimes men can fall in love with other men, women can fall in love with other women, and skunks with french accents can fall in love with cats.

But I had left out CRUCIAL information in prior discussions with my spawn. Yesterday I broke the news.

"Did you know GAY can also mean HAPPY?" I asked. He screeched to a halt in the middle of the sidewalk and his jaw dropped. "Really," I went on to say, "Many people use the expression: Happy and Gay. It means Joyful."

Cboy shook his head In Wonder. Who knew that Gay could mean anything but a shared love of Liza Minelli and meticulous grooming?

I probably should tell him that there are two meanings for the word GLAAD at some point, too.

Six Posts Away

Happy Tuesday Chickens!

This is post 494. In six posts, I will hit the big 5-oh-oh. What shall we do to celebrate? Should we mark the occasion in some auspicious way or should I just have you send me presents?

In the comments section below, write your idea for how we should celebrate this blogging milestone on ONIBlog. The winning suggestion gets the plaque pictured above, from here.

And remember: if you think too much outside of the box, you could get stuck in a circle. So for gosh sakes, be careful.

UNPRooFiNG

The Spawn are now aged 8 and 5 ( FIVE AND THREE QUARTERS DON'T FORGET MOMMY) and it is time to reevaluate the measures of protection installed for their safety in the fortress that is Chez Veasey.

About seven months before the birth of Complicated Boy, I began the process of childproofing our apartment. I did as much of the work as I could myself: which meant I got rid of major threats like The Coffee Table and The Blinds With Cords. I forbade Sexyhusbandomine from keeping matches in the bathroom anymore.

Then I hired the guy who had childproofed Michael Douglas & Katherine Zeta Jone's house and paid him a small fortune to make my two bedroom completely safe. At the time I felt sure I had hired that VERY BEST childproofing company available in the city; knowing Katherine and Michael would go to great lengths to keep Their Spawn safe. This was, of course, about two months before the pictures were released of Katherine smoking Marlborough Reds while eight months preggers with child...but I digress.


Mr. Babyproofer to the Stars was THOROUGH. No corner was left unpadded, no cabinet or drawer left accessible. The man put a lock on pretty much EVERYTHING in my house, including the toilet and the fridge. Nothing makes a man feel the impending responsibilities of Fatherhood like locking up the Beer and The Can, let me tell you.

Side note: despite all these precautions, when ComplicatedBoy was two, he tripped on the bathroom mat, hit his chin against the edge of the bathtub and his tooth went through his lip. The Gods laughed at my locked toilet.

Flash forward lo these many years.....Much of the original childproofing remains unchanged. For example: every cabinet and drawer in the bathroom has a high tech lock that you must open using a magnet. This has worked out well when we have had guests so that no one can snoop in Sexyhusbandomine's medicine cabinet, which is filled with immodium, breath right strips, and jock itch spray. This has not worked out well if you run out of toilet paper and cannot get into the cabinet where it is stored, and have to go into the kitchen to find the magnet thingamajoggy with your pants around your ankles.

Well, it's a banner day at Casa De Veasey because I took a phillips screwdriver out and I removed all those suckers from my drawers and cabinets.

Later I may let The Spawn eat grapes that I have not cut in half.

BeDTiMe SToRY

I walked into the boudoire at Chez Veasey the other night, to find Sexyhusbandomine propped up amongst the pillows with a copy of LADIES HOME JOURNAL that I had picked up at some airport on previous travels.

Let me start by saying that SHOM does not usually read magazines before bed. He prefers to peruse his printed glossies in the powder room. Usually for A LONG TIME, when we are late or trying to go someplace.

He was previously reading snatches of THE SECRETbefore drifting off to LaLaLand, but ComplicatedBoy stole his bedside copy three days ago, convinced that it contained some Naughty Adult Secret.

But back to Sexyhusbandomine, flipping pages in the glow of our bedside lamp.

ME: What are you reading?
SHOM: Ladies Home Journal. It's actually pretty good.
ME; Oh yeah?
SHOM: Yeah. Like I just read about a former model who got Cushings Disease. It caused her to gain seventy pounds and sprout hair on her chin.
ME: Hmmm. I could have that. What are the symptoms?
SHOM: You gain 70 pounds and grow hair on your chin. (Awkward Pause) It goes on to say she dedicated her life to helping animals.
ME: What else did you read?
SHOM: Here's a woman in her 40s who lost 50 pounds. (Holds up magazine.) Hey-where are you going?
ME; I am signing you up for a subscription to Popular Mechanics.

YoU BeT YouR GlaSS

Happy Wednesday Chickens!

It is still Show Season, but in order to maintain my google analytics shamelessly promote myself prove to my bosses that blogging is a valid marketing tool entertain you, I will be posting many of my new introductions that will be shown in Dallas, Atlanta, Las Vegas, Philly, and New York. You get FIRST LOOK-these products will not be in stores until late Fall.

Recession? Bah. I spit on your recession. Go buy gifts, people. How about these new goblets?







in comments below, share your favorite wines--like Riunite on ice. Or Boones Strawberry. You can tell I have Klassy taste. I was also a fan of the Bartle and James wine cooler.