BLoGGiNG THe ALPHaBeT: THe LeTTeR B is for...

Working Mother's Guilt is a Beyotch. Particularly if you are like me, and LOVE your job: because then it can start to feel selfish to work. Over the years, because I enjoy what I do so much, I started to equate "work" time with "me" time and as a result, all those things that a woman is supposed to do for general maintenance fell by the wayside. I had myself thoroughly convinced, for example, that I didn't need to see the inside of a hair salon for a year at a time because my few strands of gray were working for me as natural highlights (they glittered in the bathroom lights anyway.) There was Work/Me Time and there was Home/Kids/Husband time and that was enough to fill 26 hours a day. And so I put off shoe shopping for years, never had my pores properly cleaned, and the only excercize I did regularly was stretching the truth or jumping to conclusions.

A series of excuses, a long list of things to do that lay stagnant on my desk, a packed schedule: that is how I let 2.5 years go by without a mammogram.


Boobalicious Scarf by Couturecrotchetbykt


I would not call myself a stupid woman, but ignoring the fact that every October the world turns pink in addition to black and orange is a dumb thing. So this year I finally got off my butt and scheduled the appointment and went to get my girls squished flatter than a pancake in the x-ray machine.


Celebrate the Boobies Necklace by Meganbauerie

The biggest change in the 2.5 years since I had last been was that instead of announcing the "all clear" at the end of the photo shoot, the diagnostic center has you fill in your own self addressed stamped envelope, so that they can mail you your results. I was tempted to give myself a nickname like Tatas McBoobish, but I went with my own name and a smiley face in the corner.

And when a week later, that same envelope arrived at my work, the smiley face fairly winked at me as I tore it open, humming "Thanks for the Mammories" and fully expecting to see an ALL CLEAR.


Boob Jar Set by mongo54


So I was shocked when I read that I required further testing because something had been detected. Forget about jumping from point A to point B--when you get a letter like that you jump right to Point C. And I thought about a lot of things including:

- My young children.
- My husband.
- My short life.
- My Victoria's Secret Uber Bra.
- How very much it would suck to find out you had a small lump that had grown to the size of an orange because you didn't take an hour to go get checked.
- How very much it would suck to find out you had cancer from a self addressed stamped envelope with a smiley face on it.


Sterling Silver Cufflinks By Clevergirl


Anyway Chickens, many women have had this happen and the majority of them find out that nothing is wrong, as I did. A quick sonogram and a final "all clear" and all is well. But important lessons are learned.


Boob Slippers by Kellyznaughtycrotchet

Taking care of our health is something that we do not just for ourselves, but for the people who love and need us. So if you have been like me, and not had your gums cleaned lately, or your pelvic plumbing tested, or had a man gaze into your baby blues looking for signs of glaucoma: MAKE AN APPOINTMENT TODAY.

Oh, and click HERE to give a free mammogram to someone today!

BloGGiNG THe aLPHaBeT

Happy Thursday Chickens! I have decided that in order to get out of my current blogging rut, that I shall blog the letters of the alphabet. So hang on to your hats for the next 26 posts!! (I know many of you will just be holding your breath, waiting to see what I will do for the Letter X. Hi Nonnee.)

Today's post is brought to you by the letter A.

A is for....ARTIST. Did you know I have a twin brother who is a famous artist? His name is Jeffrey Decoster and his illustrations can be found in places like The New York Times and Rolling Stone. He has won many prestigious Illustration awards, and when he does he comes and stays at our apartment where he sleeps all day and parties all night.







What was it like growing up with a twin? Well, for certain it was not so fun when we had to have a combined birthday party, and a neighborhood kid brought a G.I. Joe doll that we were supposed to "share." (Anothony Marciano, I'm talking to you here. Even if we are friends on facebook, this memory still smarts.)



People wonder if my brother and I are alike. He lives in California, I live in New York. He is single and I am married. He is skinny, I am...well, let's just say we aren't two peas in a pod and leave it at that.



Anyway, A is for Artist, so meet my twin brother Jeffrey. I really could not come up with another word for the letter A......





Please leave a suggestion below for the letter B.

CoMPuTeR MuSiNGS

Random Thoughts while being chained to the keyboard:

* The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase 'Regards' again.

* There is a great need for sarcasm font.



* Was learning cursive really necessary?



* I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

* Bad decisions make good blog stories.




* I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me f I want to save any changes to my ten page document that I swear I did not make any changes to.

* Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

* It really ticks me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.



* I have downloaded my CD collection onto my Itunes account. Many of my CDs were scratched. I may be the only person I know who has an Ipod with songs that skip.

* I don't really understand Facebook. Like: if you want to tell me something, why not just email me personally? Why do you need to write it ON THE WALL? Then again: if you are someone I am cyber stalking and your profile is public, I do enjoy looking through your pictures to see if you've gotten fat.





* There should be a support group for people who use too many exclaimation points in their emails!!!!!!!!

* I think calling a program that is hard for me to figure out "Excell" was just another way for those Geeks in software to undermine my confidence.

EXCuSe Of THe WeeK

Happy Tuesday Chickens. I have been thinking that maybe I will just make this whole blog be about all the reasons that I cannot blog, why blogging is a pain in the butt, and why I have nothing to blog about BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE SPEND TOO MUCH TIME ON THE INTERNET. Seriously. Don't you have housework you could be doing?

I kid. Sorta.

But the reason why I have not been writing lately is that I am organizing a fantastic event in New York City scheduled to happen this weekend...CRAFTS IN CHELSEA. Over 130 local artisans and craftspeople will gather on 21 st street between 8-9 avenues on Saturday, October 16 to sell their handmade pottery, glass, jewelry, housewares, clothing, children's items, fine art, photography and other delights. Booth fees benefit arts programming in PS 11. The event is co sponsored by Etsy, the largest online retailer of handmade goods.

And let me tell you chickens, those crafters seem all mellow in their birkenstock sandles and patchuli cologne, but you should see what happens to them when they are not pleased with their booth assignment. Seriously: who knew you could threaten someone with a crotchet hook?

In conjunction with this event, a very awesome GIVEAWAY is being offered HERE. Look at some of the goodies you can win just by leaving a comment! And I know how much you like to hear yourself type you like to support local events, so head on over to the NewNew blog and enter today!

The lucky winner of the giveway will get:

Clockwise from left to right 1. Copper Bangles from Nemesis Jewelry, 2. Reversible Flannel and Polar Fleece Cloche from Ellis Design, 3. Silver Earrings from Irene C. Studio, 4. Crystal Flower Earrings from Haru Creations, 5. Pillowcase Tunic from BShorr Handmade Designs, 6. Pink Cupcake Amigurumi Bear from Amigurumi Kingdom, 7. The Janice Headband from MollyMade, 8. Silver and Suede Tag Bracelet from Charms of Faith, 9. Amigurumi Keychain with Trinket Box from AmiTown Creatures, 10. Magnet and Bookmark Set from LuCrafts, 11. Set of Pinup Coasters from Cards in Stitches, 12. I-Phone Case from D.S. Lookin, 13. Copper Lace Earrings from SdVDesigns.

Hurry on over there and enter!!!
For those of you who are local, who I do not have a restraining order against, I hope you will stop by and see me at the event on Saturday!

SHaBBy aPPLe

Well Chickens, to date I have lost TWENTY POUNDS. Twenty whole pounds! Why, that's the same weight as a car tire, or a really big turkey, or a small kareoke machine!

Needless to say, I have been looking a little...ummmm "urban" as of late...what with the pants falling down around the hips and all. So I set off to buy some smaller clothing and discovered a great online shop called Shabby Apple.

One of the first things that attracted me was this:


If they had only included the words FAT BUTTS I would have sent them my first born. You know-the one who helped make the butt fat. Anyhoo, answer three questions (one that asks where the chocolate cake is most likely to go) and find out your body type. It was actually no surprise to find out I was

Fine, fine. I am a cucumber stuck in a pear's body. Here are some dresses Shabby Apple suggested for my figure type:

I love that one-and this one too:



But I ended up getting this:


Which I absolutely love! Soft and comfortable! A dress that looks as good out at the wine bar with friends as it does cleaning up the cat box or doing another menial chore around the house. Basic. Dependable. Comfortable. But the reason I want to tell you chickens about Shabby Apple is because they do something amazing.

When you purchase an item from Shabby Apple, you help to change the lives of women around the world. Shabby Apple shares a percentage of its profits with Unitus, an organization working to bring life-changing micro loans to the world's working poor.

How. Awesome. Is. That!?! My dress arrived with a beautiful tag that described the woman who my purchase had helped, her family, and what her business was (goat milk and mangos). For me, knowing that my purchase did something good made me feel even GOODER!! Then I put my dress on, swirled around and went off to clean the cat box save the world... Feeling like a cucumber.

aLL aBouT Me

My Birthday Meme
25 Things About Me

1. I usually have the best of intentions.

2. I find it hard to talk about my children without getting teary. What is within my heart bubbles up and gathers in the corners of my eyes. I don't know what to say about the fact that my nose runs too.

3. Sometimes after a day of making things I am too excited to sleep, and I lay with my head on the pillow thinking about all the things I am going to make the next day.

4. I wish I had more patience. With Everything.



5. I am blessed. I am lucky. But I have also worked hard for what I have. Some people think things have come to me a lot easier than they actually have.

6. I prefer to use mens' deodorant.

7. My husband is my heart, my soul, my greatest love.

8. I cannot cook vegetables. Last time I tried to make broccoli there was audible gagging at the dinner table. Apparently it was mushy.



9. When someone hurts me deeply, I have a bad habit of apologizing to them. Then I never want to see them again. Ever.

10. I feel twenty years younger than I am.

11. I wish I had more opportunities to go dancing or to sing. I wish I was better at both. I wish I could sing like Stevie Nicks.

12. I have learned some of my greatest lessons in life through my extended family.




13. I fight actual despair sometimes. I battle deep anxiety. I can be overwhelmed with rage and anger. I feel I am usually able to triumph over all three about 3 weeks out of every month.

14. I love SURVIVOR. Every season I swear I won't watch it again and then I get sucked right back in.

15. I used to write poetry. Now I only write poems in my head.

16. Sometimes I wish my children were smarter so that I didn't have to work so hard on their homework.

17. I have a hard time thinking in a place that is messy. I wish I had more time to just clean things.



18. Sometimes I do so much for others that I do not have time to get my hair cut.

19. I hate matching up socks.

20. I have a hard time letting go of things. My son is the exact same way. I worry about this, and have a hard time letting go of it.

21. Sometimes blogging is a huge pain in the ass and an absolute chore, but I feel like the people I have met in cyberspace are soul mates of a kind, and I genuinely care about them. (this means you. you know who you are.)

22. I hate the fact that I am judgemental. Damn me.

23. It kills me to pay a lot of money for shoes. I wear sandals 6 mos. of every year.

24. I think some country songs are brilliantly written. Brilliantly.

25. I hope that I can always try to find the humor in any situation, and that when I cannot at that moment, that I can find it on hindsight.

SMaLL ReGReTS

In no particular order: some minor regrets. Because really: what good is having a blog if you don't use it to whine and complain every now and then? I know what you're thinking: That's Why We Have Husbands. But sometimes a girl just wants to moan about something and not have someone present a workable solution. So here's the short list of THINGS I REGRET TODAY:

1. Allowing Banana to hear the song "You put De Lime in De Coconut."

2. Banana choosing "You Put De Lime in De Coconut as an anthem of sorts.

3. Hearing "You Put De Lime in De Coconut" 27 times in a row.




4. That I am not tall enough to carry off a poncho or a shawl. I put a poncho on, I look like a tee pee with a head sticking out.

5. The 2.5 hours we spent watching COUPLES RETREAT because we assumed anything with Vince Vaughn would be at the least mildly entertaining.

6. Doing a Google image search with two kids standing over my shoulder for "Winnie The Pooh." Seriously: DO NOT DO THIS.

7. Buying the Princess Lea hair extensions on Etsy because they looked so good on the model in the picture. I am not Bjork. I don't know why I ever thought two braided muffins of hair would be appropriate to wear to a PTA meeting.



8. Not flossing more.

9. Not making my children floss more.

10. That I can't get You Put De Lime in De Coconut out of my head.

Happy Wednesday Chickens!

BaNaNa iS SeVeN...LuCKY Me

Dear Banana,

I should have a fabulous blog ready to post that you can discover floating around in cyberspace one day when you have a little girl of your own, but unfortunately I do not. Your birthday party--a Luau theme, which included 16 other little girls and 3 boys, just Kicked. My. Butt. Seriously: I have felt better after a week long bender.

It began with getting ready for the party. When you discovered that every floral dress that you owned all of a sudden did not look tropical enough, and then it progressed to the deepest recess of Hades the bathroom mirror where I attempted to do your hair. I tried 4 different styles, trying to keep hold of your pony tail holder while you bounced up an down and whined that IT DIDN'T LOOK THE WAY YOU WANTED IT TO LOOK until I finally put the hairbrush down on the counter and you flounced out of the room in tears. After taking a few moments myself to try to stop my head from exploding calm down, I went to talk to you where you sat sobbing on your bed and you said: I CAN'T HELP HOW I AM ACTING THIS IS JUST HOW MY BRAIN WORKS.

And then you told me that you didn't want to get older and how you were worried that if you got older that nobody would ever be able to pick you up in their arms again. And so I sat you on my lap and tried to think of all the good things that came with getting older...and I drew a blank. Instead, I told you about how when you were younger you were the sunniest little girl and how you smiled at everything and loved everyone and how you were rarely unhappy. I told you how if everyone in the room was given a shiny diamond and you were given just a rock, that you would have smiled and been grateful and said something like: "I LOVE HOW BUMPY AND GREY THIS IS". I told you how your disposition was a gift to our family, a warm safe spot in the storm that sometimes surrounded your complicated brother, and how much we loved and valued your positive attitude.

And then I made you promise to never become a teenager.
And then you asked for a pony.

Daddy and I should have made a new slideshow for your birthday, but between making the cupcakes, creating tissue paper flowers and figuring out a limo route we were not able to--maybe later this week. Here you are again from last year.

We love you Banana- Happy Birthday. You will always be my baby girl.

Love Mommy

This Is What Happens When Lorrie Goes Away...

I’m not a blogger, or even a writer. I’m just a sucker for Lorrie. I’ll do anything that she asks. Within reason. In this case, all it took was the offer of her first-born child. Honestly, how could I say no to guest blogging for her if I get CBoy?

But that does beg the question: does CBoy read his mom’s blog? Are we yet aware of the possible long-term consequences of the damage doing so would incur? Does CPS know about this? Oh well, we can cover that on another day.

Anywho, a bit about me just so you know what you’re dealing with: My name is Sheila, I am 40-something, I am married to a fabulous guy who happens to be English, and we are the not-always proud owner of a hooligan dog name Murphy. Oh, and I live in Texas.

I was having a panic attack after I agreed to do this for Lorrie, because as I mentioned earlier – I DON”T WRITE. What would I write about? Who cares about what I have to say? I barely care about what I have to say.

Should I write about the horrible heat wave we went through in August, when while sitting on our back patio having a cigarette (yes, yes…I know, I KNOW…) a squirrel dropped dead out of one of our trees? Literally died of a heat stroke and fell into my backyard. It was Day 4 of a 17-day stretch of 100+ degree days. Honestly, I’m surprised it was only the one.

Murphy thought it was Manna from Heaven, as his main purpose in life is to chase them.

No, I can’t write about that - it would be awful for ZDub, as she is a lover of all things squirrel. Plus, I felt really bad for the squirrel. I love them too. And talking about weather is boring.

Maybe instead I should I write about the current home improvement project we are undertaking. New hardwood floors in two rooms, painting and the possible purchase of grown-up dining room furniture. I want this really cool table & chairs I saw in a particular catalog because it seats 10. And it’s reasonably priced.

But the table doesn’t go with the new floors. At all. I don’t think. It might go with the new paint, and the rug, but the floors? I don’t know. I have no eye for this kind of thing.

But home improvement is also boring. If you wanted to read about that, you’d go to the DIY sites, right?

So more panic.

And then, the two topics - Weather and Home Improvement - collided in such a way that it would have been wrong to avoid discussing:

Last night after work, I got onto the ladder to begin painting the crown molding in the dining room. Dinner is on the stove, the TV is on, and the house is a general tip. Oh, and the remnants of Tropical Storm Hermine have been winding their way through the state. We had biblical rain all day, about 7-8 inches. So of course, we’re tuned in to The Weatherman.

And then, the sirens start. The TORNADO sirens. But I don't worry since we’re watching the weather and the tornado is in the downtown area, and we are a good 12-15 miles from there. Plus it’s Dallas – why should we worry?

So I continue to paint. The Weatherman is talking about the tornado, showing pictures of the tornado. The traffic helicopter is up in the air, showing the track of the tornado. So how bad could it be? The tornado will fall apart, we’ll get some wind, and I can finish my painting.

And then The Weatherman says: the tornado has crossed I-635 & is near the Galleria. Well, that is where I buy my makeup. And it’s about 3 miles from my house. So I panic. Again.

We put Murphy on his leash and head to the bathroom. Per the Tornado Safety Manual, you hide in an internal room with no outside walls, no windows, no skylights. Of course, we can’t fit in THAT room – the water heater is there. So we go to the next best thing – a bathroom with a giant mirror. Hey, nothing is perfect.

We hunker down (because that is also what you do) with the dog & the essentials: my purse, our car keys, two iPhones, hubby's wallet, and the laptop. And we sit on the bathroom floor and watch The Weatherman on WiFi.

And that begs the next question: how on earth did we make it through crises like this in the olden days? With no internet or anything? How did we know when it was OK to leave the bathroom?

Thank Heavens for wireless routers and Steve Jobs.

After ten minutes, The Weatherman gives us the all-clear. We headed straight outside and the skies were a gorgeous blue. It was sunny.

And I start painting again. The crown molding looks awesome.

(many thanks to Racie Lover for the artwork)

In Which We Have A Night Out & Go Bowling

Hi, my name is Jen (aka Scrappin Jenny). Lorrie was brave kind enough to ask me to do a guest host here on her blog. I was more than happy to fill in for her while she's off having some adventure that I'm sure involves wine, turkey legs and possibly pottery. I'm sure we'll find out when she comes back...

I don't know how many of you have kids here (if you don't have any, please play along), but those of you who do have rugrats kids know how rare a night out for you and your spouse/partner/significant other is. When you get one you almost feel like you've won the lottery. Except you're not getting millions of dollars.

You know what I mean.

This past Saturday night my in-laws took our daughter out for the evening. This left my husband and me with a few free hours to do whatever we wanted (minds out of the gutter people).

We hemmed and hawed about what to do...dinner out? A movie? As we were pondering the possibilities my husband said "Want to go bowling?"

Now, let me say up front, neither of us are "athletic". The last time I remember going bowling was before I got pregnant with my daughter (in other words...long time ago). But something in the back of my mind said "Bowling could be a lot of fun, if not deliciously white trash."

So off we went.

We went to a new bowling alley not too far from us called Kings.

Okay..cool sign. Lot of promise here...

This was written on the window...

I think we're about to find out.

Before bowling, we decided to grab some dinner and drinks to build our stamina.

Naturally, the first thing I look at on the menu is martinis.

I got a pink lemonade concoction with vodka. This is one of those dangerous drinks that tastes just like lemonade so you suck it down quickly then when you go to stand up you find yourself sitting on the floor thinking "How did I get down here?"

That good.

We did have some food as well...

Burgers and fries. Always an excellent choice.

Once we finished our meal, we headed down to the lanes.

God, it sounds like we do this all the time, doesn't it?

I loved the interior of this place. It was very dark and red and I felt like I was on the set of Swingers the entire time.

This was the lighted sign above the register. Seriously...forget about the Real Housewives of Where Ever, these are the ones I want to hang with.

Once we got our shoes, we headed over to the lane we were given.

It was at this point in time that I just started using whatever ball was on the ball return because it'd been so long since I bowled that I forgot you had to pick a ball out before you headed to your lane. Let's just say that I needed a 7 to 8 pound ball, but the holes on them were made for the Olsen Twins so I had to use a 10 pounds ball because it was the only one I could get my normal sized fingers in. 

Let's just say it was not good.

Here is an action shot of me. It looks like I know what I'm doing, right? Form is good, ball looks like it's going to head down the middle of the lane. Well, it didn't. My final score was somewhere around 57. Not PBA material, that's for sure.

My husband was on a bowling league once, so you'd think he'd know what he was doing. Not so. I think he scored one point higher than me in the first game.

In the end we bowled two games. I considered the first game a warm up because I scored not one but two strikes at the beginning of the second game. Alas, the heavier-than-I-could-handle ball got to me and by the 5th frame I thought my arm was going to fall off and die. We decided to quit while we were ahead (and in one piece).

All in all, we had a fun time. We had dinner, talked, high-fived each other while bowling and laughed like idiots. 

Having beers while bowling did help...

GoiNG MeDieVaL

Last weekend we went to The New York Renaissance Fair. We went for all the things we love about a Renaissance Fair: the costumes, the crafts, the games and the turkey legs. Which we told The Spawn was actually mutton. Because it is so funny to watch The Banana sink her teeth into a leg that is twice the size of her head and say "This Mutton Tastes Great."

We did many fun things that we meant to photograph but didn't. Which is a shame because The Banana's summer homework was to read seven books on Medieval Times and write a report on it, but in June I got the idea that maybe we could skip all that and just hit The Renaissance Fair-take some photos and write a report based on those... Because it is never too early to teach your young children how to pull meaningless homework assignments out of their butts at the very last minute.

It was Pirate Invasion day at The Renaissance Fair, so there were more pirates than princesses...but we did get this shot with the King and Queen.


Everybody is all happy and smiley, and nobody's face paint is smudged with tears cried when mommy wouldn't spring for the $25.00 dragon puppet that someone would probably play with once and then never again, and no one had thigh chaffe from sweaty legs rubbing together under this...my costume....

Because no one had bothered to tell me that the official dress for women at The Renaissance Fair was a top that showed as much corseted boob as possible. (But this dress? $29 at Holy Clothing. A bargain considering the use I know I will get out of it. It makes me feel like a younger, prettier Mrs. Roper.)

But then, the day wore on as days do, and the heat soared and we all started to feel like this


So as we got back in the car, I asked The Spawn what they had learned from this educational Day Trip.

"Mutton is Good." Said the Banana.
"People had jiggely boobs back then" said my son.