So, since Jesse has a gazillion absences--enough to possibly keep him back next year and force him to repeat Kindergarten, we are taking a few more "mental health days" and going on vacation. How bad can truancy really be if it has the word TRU in it--for me--that means if I TELL them we are taking a vacation then those nice women in the office really aren't going to do anything bad. (Ok-so I lied about Disney in September and God punished me by smiting the children with coxackie which caused them to miss an additional week of school but WE HAVE THE MEMORIES). At the end of the day, I'll be proud to split a beer with my high school dropouts and regale them with "The Time Mommy told the Principal you had Strep Throat but we Really Went to Charleston Because Mommy Said if she didn't go Someplace with a Pool she wasn't going to be Responsible for What she did to Daddy."
I am looking forward to the trip. I kind of know the routine by now:
-I will spend five days packing but will forget something essential. One year it was bottles. The next it was underwear for everyone. The highlight of every vacation is when Kip turns to me and says: "You didn't forget to pack the (fill in essential here) did you?" And I will shoot him a look that says "I'll show you something REALLY ESSENTIAL if you continue looking at me that way- as if I am not perfect- and if you thought the kids needed bathing suits to swim then maybe you should have helped with the packing Mister" and then we both load the kids into the car and go find a TARGET anywhere we happen to be. We will spend an obscene amount of money on a bunch of stuff we obviously need and a bunch more that we needed but didn't know we needed. Everyone leaves happy-with VACATION MEMORIES. And stuff. Lots of stuff.
- I will look at my children with adoration for the first few hours after we arrive at our destination. Then I will start looking for the playdates that will keep them from tugging at my skirted swimsuit bottom and asking me to do stuff, like pretend to be Boots on an Adventure with Dora. If I can't find a strange child in the vicinity to play with my children, I start looking for people to pay. If I can't find either, I hit the sauce hard. I'm told I do a mean Spongebob when I'm half in the bag-and the children look so nice when they are a bit fuzzy around the edges.
- The spray on tan which looks SO GREAT four hours after I get it at the salon will start to fade within hours of arrival at our destination. I will attempt to prolong its life by refusing to swim, bath or shower for as long as possible. This will make family members avoid me. Except the children, still tugging at the bottom of my skirted swimsuit...
-I will be relieved to be away from the office for about 12 hours. After that, I will have Kip set up the lap top. I will keep my Email open and every half hour walk by it and if nothing new appears, will keep desperately clicking the "mail" icon--as if all it needs is to be refreshed and the missives will pour in. I will devour spam. Then I will start drunk Emailing people and Googeling odd aquaintances. I will hit bottom when I actually Google myself.
- Did I actually say that I spent 5 days packing? Because in reality--it will be that I spent 5 days THINKING ABOUT packing. Over a chilled glass of pinot. I have aplan for vacation, oh yes, I do.
Off to CHARLESTON tomorrow.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Teach the children well
I received this Email today. I have deleted the names from it even though I felt pretty certain that if I blogged about it-the senders would not be aware. Perhaps it was the spelling of my name as "Laurie Vefferey" whatever; I knew if it wasn't on My Space they most likely wouldn't read it--so here it is:
Dear Laurie Vefferey,
During the Fall of 2005, we, (name deleted) and (name deleted), worked as
interns at the ?Our Name is Mud? warehouse on 29th street in
Manhattan. It was through our high school, School of the Future, that
we acquired the internship. We loved the work we did there and felt
that we really helped out, even without professional training( what
you taught us was enough to produce quality results). The work
environment, was just as pleasant. Both of us would very much like to
work during this coming summer starting in late May. We would also
love to include our good friend, (name deleted), who graduated with us
last June from School of the Future. Please e-mail us back or call us
at (cell phone number with my humps ringtone deleted) to let us know whether there will be any work
opportunities this summer.
Thank you very much and we look forward to your response,
(three names deleted).
Dear Darling Interns,
I don't fault you for forgetting my name after spending eight months with me. Frankly, when I try to recall your names, an image of a thong appearing everytime you sat down is all that comes to mind. Perhaps we should both start taking some ginko balobao or St. John's Wort. So forgive me if the facts of our association are a bit hazy. Did you say I had you work in the warehouse? Because usually we just move our stolen merchandise through the warehouse. Or hang sides of beef to cure. I'm surprised I put interns into the warehouse--perhaps I meant to sell you on ebay at some point and just forgot.
I'm glad that you realize what I had to offer over the course of eight months was not "professional training"! Most of the time people don't realize that I am just pulling stuff out of my butt--so kudos to you, dear interns, for seeing through the smoke and mirrors and realizing that I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING! But man-that "quality results" thing--it gets me every time. People are so dern gullible. Just throw some of that clay stuff onto that round thing and paint it with some of those glazey things then throw it into that oven thing and presto--people are impressed. And to think I honed all of my skills on a playdough fuzzy pumper.
About the work environment: an image of you all comes to mind--throwing your hands over your ears and begging me not to play the Fiddler on the Roof soundtrack for the third time. Did you really mean to use the word "pleasant?" Or did you really mean "peasant"-- because I also have a memory of where I called you all indentured servants and made you call me Lord Lorrie and we discussed the fact that you were serfs--which you thought meant surfs--and you thought we were going to the beach-- so I had to lock you up in the warehouse again.
I guess my biggest question is-who drew the short straw? Did it go something like this:
"You Email her."
"No-YOU Email her."
"I'm not gonna Email her. YOU Email her."
"Bitch-I will beat your ass if you don't Email her."
"Listen Bitch-Road Rules 15 is on right now. You Email her."
"Fine, I will Email her, but since you are making me do all the work I'm gonna include (name deleted) because he is fine."
Because what I really, really want is a POTTERY POSSE!! It's true girls! Can I just tell you that when I advertize and collect applications for an actual vacancy, and some of you come along with your friend and I say "Who's this" and you say "It's my friend, he just wanted to come while I apply" and then later he asks if he can borrow a pen because what the heck he's here so why not fill in an application-I AM ALL OVER THAT GIRLS. And later, when I look and see that he has placed his gum underneath the table at which you were sitting, I think; hmmm. I can see this person in my WAREHOUSE. But I digress...
You are our future, gals. I believe that children are our future. ( I also believe Whitney is better off without Bobby and she will make a great COME BACK.) Sadly, I do not think I will ask the two of you plus your friend to COME BACK. Nothing personal: we had some great times and all. You were awesome. I mean, from what I can remember.
Yours truly,
Laurie Veffery.
Dear Laurie Vefferey,
During the Fall of 2005, we, (name deleted) and (name deleted), worked as
interns at the ?Our Name is Mud? warehouse on 29th street in
Manhattan. It was through our high school, School of the Future, that
we acquired the internship. We loved the work we did there and felt
that we really helped out, even without professional training( what
you taught us was enough to produce quality results). The work
environment, was just as pleasant. Both of us would very much like to
work during this coming summer starting in late May. We would also
love to include our good friend, (name deleted), who graduated with us
last June from School of the Future. Please e-mail us back or call us
at (cell phone number with my humps ringtone deleted) to let us know whether there will be any work
opportunities this summer.
Thank you very much and we look forward to your response,
(three names deleted).
Dear Darling Interns,
I don't fault you for forgetting my name after spending eight months with me. Frankly, when I try to recall your names, an image of a thong appearing everytime you sat down is all that comes to mind. Perhaps we should both start taking some ginko balobao or St. John's Wort. So forgive me if the facts of our association are a bit hazy. Did you say I had you work in the warehouse? Because usually we just move our stolen merchandise through the warehouse. Or hang sides of beef to cure. I'm surprised I put interns into the warehouse--perhaps I meant to sell you on ebay at some point and just forgot.
I'm glad that you realize what I had to offer over the course of eight months was not "professional training"! Most of the time people don't realize that I am just pulling stuff out of my butt--so kudos to you, dear interns, for seeing through the smoke and mirrors and realizing that I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING! But man-that "quality results" thing--it gets me every time. People are so dern gullible. Just throw some of that clay stuff onto that round thing and paint it with some of those glazey things then throw it into that oven thing and presto--people are impressed. And to think I honed all of my skills on a playdough fuzzy pumper.
About the work environment: an image of you all comes to mind--throwing your hands over your ears and begging me not to play the Fiddler on the Roof soundtrack for the third time. Did you really mean to use the word "pleasant?" Or did you really mean "peasant"-- because I also have a memory of where I called you all indentured servants and made you call me Lord Lorrie and we discussed the fact that you were serfs--which you thought meant surfs--and you thought we were going to the beach-- so I had to lock you up in the warehouse again.
I guess my biggest question is-who drew the short straw? Did it go something like this:
"You Email her."
"No-YOU Email her."
"I'm not gonna Email her. YOU Email her."
"Bitch-I will beat your ass if you don't Email her."
"Listen Bitch-Road Rules 15 is on right now. You Email her."
"Fine, I will Email her, but since you are making me do all the work I'm gonna include (name deleted) because he is fine."
Because what I really, really want is a POTTERY POSSE!! It's true girls! Can I just tell you that when I advertize and collect applications for an actual vacancy, and some of you come along with your friend and I say "Who's this" and you say "It's my friend, he just wanted to come while I apply" and then later he asks if he can borrow a pen because what the heck he's here so why not fill in an application-I AM ALL OVER THAT GIRLS. And later, when I look and see that he has placed his gum underneath the table at which you were sitting, I think; hmmm. I can see this person in my WAREHOUSE. But I digress...
You are our future, gals. I believe that children are our future. ( I also believe Whitney is better off without Bobby and she will make a great COME BACK.) Sadly, I do not think I will ask the two of you plus your friend to COME BACK. Nothing personal: we had some great times and all. You were awesome. I mean, from what I can remember.
Yours truly,
Laurie Veffery.
Get your blog on
I know that all 5 of you---well 6, now that Diamond Diva lady reads me regularly too-----have come to be entertained.
I got................nuttin for you today. While I go seek out my mojo, please cut and paste this into your browser and remember: glitter is the herpes of the craft world.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=puzFWDPy3i0&mode=related&search=
I got................nuttin for you today. While I go seek out my mojo, please cut and paste this into your browser and remember: glitter is the herpes of the craft world.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=puzFWDPy3i0&mode=related&search=
Friday, April 20, 2007
Jesse art
"Last time she came to my house for a playdate, she cried when her Mother dropped her off. It made me think maybe we shouldn't have any more playdates."
Jesse Veasey 2007
Marker on paper.
Monday, April 16, 2007
GO MARLINS
JESSE: Check it out Dad. This is how I'm gonna pose for my rap album cover.
KIP: Cough-cough--I am too worn out from trying to recover from my trachea infection and your Mother's complete insensitivity to my illness to ask you to step back in line with the rest of the boys. It's all I can do to proudly hold up this banner and let the world know that it's my first gig as Coach--and that our team is sponsored by an OB-GYN. association. But that doesn't mean we are pussies, Jesse.
JESSE: Do you think this color blue suits me?
KIP: I have always dreamed of this day. Me, my son, and a team. The five of you that bother to show up any given Sunday--we are going to kick some t-ball ass.
JESSE: I'm thinking these pants make my butt look big.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
The Bad Wife
I am trapped in a never ending episode of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman and I am Jane Seymour except without her good looks and English accent. And a plague has come to River City and we got Trouble-oh yes Trouble, right here in River City.
I can take the poor chilluns being sick--have learned to medicate them heavily with doses of bubble gum flavored pink stuff, then medicate myself heavily with pinot grigio flavored wine stuff. I have learned how to cope with various childhood illnesses, mastering such phrases as: "Yes, you can watch your 100th video" and "If you feel like you are going to throw up, remember DAD is your go-to guy." I have accepted that my life can at some points seem to go from cough to flu to sore throat to odd itchy rash to ear infection to I ate a piece of gum off the street because my brother dared me to and now my tummy doesn't feel too good Mommy. I have spent many a sleepless night in a cloud of Vicks Vapor and all my tissues are ANTI FREEKING VIRAL. I am no wuss.
But one thing brings me to my knees, makes me long to hop aboard the Magic Schoolbus and just drive off with Miss Frizzle and the gang and never come back. Except I know the Frizz would have planned a field trip into the mucus membranes of my dearly beloved.
Kip is sick. Oh wait, did I say sick? I meant to say ON HIS DEATH BED gasping for breath literally-sounding very much like what I imagine the moans of a menstruating whale might sound like. And I want to be the Better Half that makes him a hot toddy and brings him his slippers, but 85% of me for some reason wants to KICK HIS ASS every time he starts a coughing fit because it HURTS it HURTS SO MUCH and I HAVE A FEVER and COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH. Shush honey, I'm trying to watch American Idol here. Can you go have your pneumonia in the bedroom please???
I am surely going to hell, where I am sure I will meet Satan himself and he will have a touch of the flu and ask me to feel his forehead because he feels like he is burning up.
I can take the poor chilluns being sick--have learned to medicate them heavily with doses of bubble gum flavored pink stuff, then medicate myself heavily with pinot grigio flavored wine stuff. I have learned how to cope with various childhood illnesses, mastering such phrases as: "Yes, you can watch your 100th video" and "If you feel like you are going to throw up, remember DAD is your go-to guy." I have accepted that my life can at some points seem to go from cough to flu to sore throat to odd itchy rash to ear infection to I ate a piece of gum off the street because my brother dared me to and now my tummy doesn't feel too good Mommy. I have spent many a sleepless night in a cloud of Vicks Vapor and all my tissues are ANTI FREEKING VIRAL. I am no wuss.
But one thing brings me to my knees, makes me long to hop aboard the Magic Schoolbus and just drive off with Miss Frizzle and the gang and never come back. Except I know the Frizz would have planned a field trip into the mucus membranes of my dearly beloved.
Kip is sick. Oh wait, did I say sick? I meant to say ON HIS DEATH BED gasping for breath literally-sounding very much like what I imagine the moans of a menstruating whale might sound like. And I want to be the Better Half that makes him a hot toddy and brings him his slippers, but 85% of me for some reason wants to KICK HIS ASS every time he starts a coughing fit because it HURTS it HURTS SO MUCH and I HAVE A FEVER and COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH. Shush honey, I'm trying to watch American Idol here. Can you go have your pneumonia in the bedroom please???
I am surely going to hell, where I am sure I will meet Satan himself and he will have a touch of the flu and ask me to feel his forehead because he feels like he is burning up.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
des formations imaginares
I received this Email from Victoria today and thought I would share it with you all.
I received this resume and letter from a guy in Cameroon who is interested in our accounting internship.
I double-clicked on the attachment thinking that it would be a resume, but it was another email, with a note, and the resume inside that. Obviously the guy had forwarded his resume after he'd had someone look at it. Since I speak French, I quickly read the note (with a couple of word assists from Charline) and had to laugh (and laugh and laugh!). Here's how it translates:
Salut Frero!
j'ai fini de traiter ton resume; Il y a des choses que j'ai ajoutees pour qu'il soit efficace. Essayes de le parcourir et dit moi si
quelque chose cloche. Concemant ton computer skills, renseigne toi sur les nouveaux logiciels que j'ai ajoute. Moi meme je ne
les maitrise pas. Mais en tant que comptable, ils doivent figurer dans ton resume. J'y ai aussi mis des formations imaginares,
car il le fallait pour que ta candidature soit credible.
Bye
Salomon
Hello, Brother!
I finished working over your resume; there are some things that I added so that it would be more effective. Try to run with it, and tell me if you see anything odd . Concerning your computer skills, learn a little bit about the new programs that I've added. Even I haven't mastered them. But if you want to get a job in accounting, they'll have to be included in your resume. I also put in some imaginary schooling - which has to be in there so that your candidacy seems credible.
Bye
Salomon
I received this resume and letter from a guy in Cameroon who is interested in our accounting internship.
I double-clicked on the attachment thinking that it would be a resume, but it was another email, with a note, and the resume inside that. Obviously the guy had forwarded his resume after he'd had someone look at it. Since I speak French, I quickly read the note (with a couple of word assists from Charline) and had to laugh (and laugh and laugh!). Here's how it translates:
Salut Frero!
j'ai fini de traiter ton resume; Il y a des choses que j'ai ajoutees pour qu'il soit efficace. Essayes de le parcourir et dit moi si
quelque chose cloche. Concemant ton computer skills, renseigne toi sur les nouveaux logiciels que j'ai ajoute. Moi meme je ne
les maitrise pas. Mais en tant que comptable, ils doivent figurer dans ton resume. J'y ai aussi mis des formations imaginares,
car il le fallait pour que ta candidature soit credible.
Bye
Salomon
Hello, Brother!
I finished working over your resume; there are some things that I added so that it would be more effective. Try to run with it, and tell me if you see anything odd . Concerning your computer skills, learn a little bit about the new programs that I've added. Even I haven't mastered them. But if you want to get a job in accounting, they'll have to be included in your resume. I also put in some imaginary schooling - which has to be in there so that your candidacy seems credible.
Bye
Salomon
Thursday, April 05, 2007
HAPPY GOOD FRIDAY!
I received this lovely letter from a fan today:
The following message was sent from ournameismud.com by (name withheld by request proving I am really not such a bad person after all)
Hi. I love your products and stopped by the Grand Central Station store today, but was really taken aback to see "Jesus Juice" goblets displayed in the store window.
I asked the sales rep what Jesus Juice goblets were for, and he told me they were for wine.
Please tell me that this was just a dreadful mistake in judgement on the part of your buyers. If you are a Christian, there is nothing funny about Jesus Juice wine goblets. The wine offered the sacrament of the Holy Communion represents the Blood of Christ. If you are a believer, in taking the communion wine, you accept that you are drinking the blood of Christ. I don't think I've ever heard our Priest refer to the blood of Christ as "Jesus Juice". You would be doing millions of Christians in the region a service if you would remove this horrifingly offensive product from your store offerings.
Many thanks, (name removed)
So I wrote back:
Dear (name removed),
First-let me tell you a little joke: A Rabbi, a Priest, and a duck walk into a bar and....ok, maybe I'll save that one for later.
I am very sorry that our JESUS JUICE goblets offended you. Last month the "Mom, Dad, I'm Gaelic" mug had the Irish community up in arms. If we only made pottery that never danced up to the south side of edgy, well-that would make us Hallmark.
I don't know if any of the following products were still left in the window, or if a mass of Christians (Get it? That's a Catholic pun) gobbled them up, but we did also offer "Jesus Loves Me" mugs, Faith crosses, and a platter that read "This is the day the Lord hath made, Rejoice and be glad in it." The agnostics and atheists raised a rucus (damn them), I told them we are an equal opportunity offender.
Let me go on to say that I am a card carrying member of the "Millions of Christians" you refer to above. (My card happens to say "Jesus is Coming...Look Busy!"), but nonetheless, I have accepted Christ as my personal Savior and I have to disagree with you and say that JESUS JUICE is a tiny bit funny. A tiny bit. I know you say you haven't heard your Priest use the term, but let me just suggest that you don't look to Father Bob for lessons in humor--unless the title of his last sermon was "Have Faith even if you are slipping on Bananna Peels."
I know when I take communion that the grape juice in the cup is not ACTUALLY Christ's blood, or Mark Anthony and JLo would be up at the pulpit every week. Perhaps you may not have noticed that the words "JESUS JUICE" do not literally mean "THE BLOOD OF CHRIST." Last year I made a goblet that said "THE HOLY GRAIL"--for some reason readers of the DaVinci Code knew that it was NOT ACTUALLY the Holy Grail. Smart people, them. Even the ones that only saw the movie.
A common thread among all religions is love. And love can often be expressed through humor. To shut yourself off from humor and become Judy Judger is not what God wants for us all. He wants us to sit down at a table together, share a few laughs and drink some Jesus Juice.
Tonight, I will pray for forgiveness for being a Smartass, like I do everynight. And I will ask that the Lord, in His infinite wisdom, shows you the way to put the wonderful energy and intelligence you obviously posses and direct it towards making change in this word by railing against things that are ABSOLUTELY NOT FUNNY--like racism, bigotry, hate and war.
Now I need to go offend some serious Jewish people.
Love in Christ,
Lorrie
The following message was sent from ournameismud.com by (name withheld by request proving I am really not such a bad person after all)
Hi. I love your products and stopped by the Grand Central Station store today, but was really taken aback to see "Jesus Juice" goblets displayed in the store window.
I asked the sales rep what Jesus Juice goblets were for, and he told me they were for wine.
Please tell me that this was just a dreadful mistake in judgement on the part of your buyers. If you are a Christian, there is nothing funny about Jesus Juice wine goblets. The wine offered the sacrament of the Holy Communion represents the Blood of Christ. If you are a believer, in taking the communion wine, you accept that you are drinking the blood of Christ. I don't think I've ever heard our Priest refer to the blood of Christ as "Jesus Juice". You would be doing millions of Christians in the region a service if you would remove this horrifingly offensive product from your store offerings.
Many thanks, (name removed)
So I wrote back:
Dear (name removed),
First-let me tell you a little joke: A Rabbi, a Priest, and a duck walk into a bar and....ok, maybe I'll save that one for later.
I am very sorry that our JESUS JUICE goblets offended you. Last month the "Mom, Dad, I'm Gaelic" mug had the Irish community up in arms. If we only made pottery that never danced up to the south side of edgy, well-that would make us Hallmark.
I don't know if any of the following products were still left in the window, or if a mass of Christians (Get it? That's a Catholic pun) gobbled them up, but we did also offer "Jesus Loves Me" mugs, Faith crosses, and a platter that read "This is the day the Lord hath made, Rejoice and be glad in it." The agnostics and atheists raised a rucus (damn them), I told them we are an equal opportunity offender.
Let me go on to say that I am a card carrying member of the "Millions of Christians" you refer to above. (My card happens to say "Jesus is Coming...Look Busy!"), but nonetheless, I have accepted Christ as my personal Savior and I have to disagree with you and say that JESUS JUICE is a tiny bit funny. A tiny bit. I know you say you haven't heard your Priest use the term, but let me just suggest that you don't look to Father Bob for lessons in humor--unless the title of his last sermon was "Have Faith even if you are slipping on Bananna Peels."
I know when I take communion that the grape juice in the cup is not ACTUALLY Christ's blood, or Mark Anthony and JLo would be up at the pulpit every week. Perhaps you may not have noticed that the words "JESUS JUICE" do not literally mean "THE BLOOD OF CHRIST." Last year I made a goblet that said "THE HOLY GRAIL"--for some reason readers of the DaVinci Code knew that it was NOT ACTUALLY the Holy Grail. Smart people, them. Even the ones that only saw the movie.
A common thread among all religions is love. And love can often be expressed through humor. To shut yourself off from humor and become Judy Judger is not what God wants for us all. He wants us to sit down at a table together, share a few laughs and drink some Jesus Juice.
Tonight, I will pray for forgiveness for being a Smartass, like I do everynight. And I will ask that the Lord, in His infinite wisdom, shows you the way to put the wonderful energy and intelligence you obviously posses and direct it towards making change in this word by railing against things that are ABSOLUTELY NOT FUNNY--like racism, bigotry, hate and war.
Now I need to go offend some serious Jewish people.
Love in Christ,
Lorrie
HAPPY EASTER!
When I was four years old I colored in this bunny picture and won the Citizen's Easter Coloring Contest. That's me with the blonde hairstyle (THAT I STILL HAVE TO THIS DAY) bottom row, to the left. I also won ADDITIONAL PRIZES and that's a picture of me on the bottom taking a check from the man.
I got an Easy Bake oven and a twenty five dollar check. And that, ladies and gentleman is how a commercial artist is born.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Company
Jesse: Mommy, how come Uncle Jeff doesn't want to play with us so much in the morning?
Me: Because Uncle Jeff stays out very late with his friends, so he needs to catch up on his sleep during the day.
Jesse: Oh. You mean he's nocturnal.
Me: Because Uncle Jeff stays out very late with his friends, so he needs to catch up on his sleep during the day.
Jesse: Oh. You mean he's nocturnal.
Friday, March 30, 2007
You say you want an evolution?
A WELL RESPECTED molecular biologist sent me this look at the future of human evolution.
WHO KNEW I WAS SO FREEKING ADVANCED?
It just so happens that I have extended buttocks! My arm and leg muscles are atrophied--or at least that's what I tell the trainer at the gym who requests I use them for more than moving food from plate to mouth, plate to mouth. My pupils are often enlarged. And who knew that what I have been calling my "jowls" were actually my very own detoxification pouches? Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Darwin.
The enlarged testicles just go without saying.
No one likes a smartass
So what many people don't know is that the Emails sent to FEEDBACK on this site go directly to my mailbox. Ordinarily, this is a good thing. I am usually all sweetness and light, and my customer service skills are legendary. But sometimes I don't know what happens. Maybe it's that I've overdosed on 100 calorie packs of oreos, the planets are not in alignment, or I lost hours of sleep because a child shared my bed and spent the night with his elbow in my left nostril. Maybe I'm trying to cut down on the hooch. Maybe it's a lunar cycle kind of thing. MAYBE I AM JUST A SMARTASS. And on days like that....well....let's just take a look at an actual Email interaction I had today:
The following message was sent from ournameismud.com by Aaron:
Just wanted to tell you that I bought two mugs at a store in Boston that sell your products: the yellow "betterhalf" and the red "princess". After a very short time the 'glaze' inside started to crack so once a week we had to feel it with bleach and then the exterior glaze started to fall. A big disappointment.
So I respond:
Hi Aaron!
1) We don't make a red Princess mug. We make a red Diva mug. Which is your better half?
2) Our mugs are made to be used and enjoyed daily: not to fill with bleach once a week. Aaron! What were you thinking??? How about taking them back to the store or sending them back to us for an exchange? We're thinking drinking from a mug with cracks that you have filled over and over with bleach might not be such a healthy thing.
3) Do you feel better now that you've sent this email or would you like us to do something about this?
Please email Dan@ournameismud.com for info about making a return.
Have a wonderful day,
OUR NAME IS MUD
Which is pretty tame, considering it is ME who is writing this Email. I mean; I let "feel with bleach" go, and I did not mention the need to put quotations around "glaze". This is no tongue lashing, Aaron my friend--it is a gentle little kitten lick compared to what could have come from my keyboard; especially if I had saved my reply for after one glass of pinot.
But does he thank me? No-Aaron writes:
Yes you're right. I'm colorblind and you seem to question my integrity.
Unless I have difficulties understanding your tone or sense of so called humor
or sarcasm ("Do you feel better now that you've sent this email").
The princess is kind of purple (?). The better half is yellow (?).
We rinse it in bleach to clean it from the coffee and tea stains concentrating
in the cracks of the glaze.
I'm from Israel. I bought it as a present to my wife and myself for our
anniversary day, in a store in Boston while on a scientific meeting I attended
in the US. So, I cannot "take it back to the store".
I also do not intend to ship it back and waste more money just to satisfy your
wariness.
You wish to be fair? To respect your own art and skill and expertise and name?
You can send me a pair of mugs one with "better half" or "princess" or "diva" or
"legend" or "She Who Must Be Obeyed" and one with "alpha male" or "role model"
or "handsome devil"
And have one satisfied and appreciative customer that could respect you.
You wish to make fun of me and mockery of yourselves than I'll be satisfied with
sending the mail and just spread among my friends your attitude.
==================================
Avivi Aaron, Ph.D
Associate Research Professor
Head, Laboratory of Animal Molecular Evolution
Institute of Evolution
University of Haifa
Mt. Carmael, Haifa 31905, Israel
Aaron, Aaron, Aaron. Have you ever read my blog? Most of your country already hates me for my bad attitude and you did not have to do a thing--it's because I AM A SMARTASS. So send my email to your friends--I will post the whole discourse here on my blog for my faithful readership of three. (One of which is my husband, Aaron, and I am guessing he could kick your little scientist butt--but I'll save the veiled threats for later.)
I am sure that being Head of the Laboratory of Animal Molecular Evolution is a VERY, VERY SERIOUS JOB. And maybe you are grouchy because you have to fiddle with animal DNA samples all day, and clone sheep and stuff like that. Or maybe you are frustrated because molecular evolution really just cannot be rushed. If I remember correctly from school, it took a heckuva long time to go from protozoa to invertebrate--so I feel for you Aaron, really I do.
But I feel we could be making many more advances in this world if the scientific community would activly seek A SENSE OF HUMOR. Really dude--things don't need to be so literal. Or black and white--I mean red and brown-I forgot you were colorblind.
And I am confused: do you want me to be your personal shopper and choose two mugs from your eight suggestions above or do you want eight to be ABSOLUTELY SURE that I respect my own art (thanks) and skill (thanks) and expertise (thanks again) and name (it's my husband's, actually).
And lastly; do I make a mockery of myself if I make fun of you? Oh Aaron, Aaron, Aaron...dontcha know I prefer crockery to mockery most days darlin?
The following message was sent from ournameismud.com by Aaron:
Just wanted to tell you that I bought two mugs at a store in Boston that sell your products: the yellow "betterhalf" and the red "princess". After a very short time the 'glaze' inside started to crack so once a week we had to feel it with bleach and then the exterior glaze started to fall. A big disappointment.
So I respond:
Hi Aaron!
1) We don't make a red Princess mug. We make a red Diva mug. Which is your better half?
2) Our mugs are made to be used and enjoyed daily: not to fill with bleach once a week. Aaron! What were you thinking??? How about taking them back to the store or sending them back to us for an exchange? We're thinking drinking from a mug with cracks that you have filled over and over with bleach might not be such a healthy thing.
3) Do you feel better now that you've sent this email or would you like us to do something about this?
Please email Dan@ournameismud.com for info about making a return.
Have a wonderful day,
OUR NAME IS MUD
Which is pretty tame, considering it is ME who is writing this Email. I mean; I let "feel with bleach" go, and I did not mention the need to put quotations around "glaze". This is no tongue lashing, Aaron my friend--it is a gentle little kitten lick compared to what could have come from my keyboard; especially if I had saved my reply for after one glass of pinot.
But does he thank me? No-Aaron writes:
Yes you're right. I'm colorblind and you seem to question my integrity.
Unless I have difficulties understanding your tone or sense of so called humor
or sarcasm ("Do you feel better now that you've sent this email").
The princess is kind of purple (?). The better half is yellow (?).
We rinse it in bleach to clean it from the coffee and tea stains concentrating
in the cracks of the glaze.
I'm from Israel. I bought it as a present to my wife and myself for our
anniversary day, in a store in Boston while on a scientific meeting I attended
in the US. So, I cannot "take it back to the store".
I also do not intend to ship it back and waste more money just to satisfy your
wariness.
You wish to be fair? To respect your own art and skill and expertise and name?
You can send me a pair of mugs one with "better half" or "princess" or "diva" or
"legend" or "She Who Must Be Obeyed" and one with "alpha male" or "role model"
or "handsome devil"
And have one satisfied and appreciative customer that could respect you.
You wish to make fun of me and mockery of yourselves than I'll be satisfied with
sending the mail and just spread among my friends your attitude.
==================================
Avivi Aaron, Ph.D
Associate Research Professor
Head, Laboratory of Animal Molecular Evolution
Institute of Evolution
University of Haifa
Mt. Carmael, Haifa 31905, Israel
Aaron, Aaron, Aaron. Have you ever read my blog? Most of your country already hates me for my bad attitude and you did not have to do a thing--it's because I AM A SMARTASS. So send my email to your friends--I will post the whole discourse here on my blog for my faithful readership of three. (One of which is my husband, Aaron, and I am guessing he could kick your little scientist butt--but I'll save the veiled threats for later.)
I am sure that being Head of the Laboratory of Animal Molecular Evolution is a VERY, VERY SERIOUS JOB. And maybe you are grouchy because you have to fiddle with animal DNA samples all day, and clone sheep and stuff like that. Or maybe you are frustrated because molecular evolution really just cannot be rushed. If I remember correctly from school, it took a heckuva long time to go from protozoa to invertebrate--so I feel for you Aaron, really I do.
But I feel we could be making many more advances in this world if the scientific community would activly seek A SENSE OF HUMOR. Really dude--things don't need to be so literal. Or black and white--I mean red and brown-I forgot you were colorblind.
And I am confused: do you want me to be your personal shopper and choose two mugs from your eight suggestions above or do you want eight to be ABSOLUTELY SURE that I respect my own art (thanks) and skill (thanks) and expertise (thanks again) and name (it's my husband's, actually).
And lastly; do I make a mockery of myself if I make fun of you? Oh Aaron, Aaron, Aaron...dontcha know I prefer crockery to mockery most days darlin?
Thursday, March 29, 2007
PSA- Sea of People
The following is an email I received regarding an event known as Sea of People. And since i did my share of destroying the environment with several years of disposable diapers, I am passing the info along here:
Hello there-
I'm working with a number of local community, environmental, arts, and
civic orgs to organize a rally and human installation in Lower Manhattan
as part of the Step It Up 2007 National Day of Climate Action. Our event
is called the Sea of People, and it combines the dynamics of a mass rally
with the expressive power of an interactive artistic installation.
Following a noon rally at Battery Park (in front of Castle Clinton),
thousands of participants, dressed in blue, will stretch north in two
columns along the projected eastern and western 10 foot waterlines that
may one day redefine lower Manhattan under the ten-foot sea level rise
scenario.
Both lines will extend approximately one mile north from the
Battery--roughly to the World Trade Center site on the west side and
Hanover Square on the east. We estimate that a line of this length would
call for about 5,000 participants, and no less than 200 volunteers to help
coordinate its movement and formation. Therefore the need to execute
successful and broad outreach prior to the date will be of paramount
importance. Please see the attached 1-pager and press release for more
info.
Spread the word!
We're dropping you a line because we have we have immense respect for your
organization and hope that you'll be able to help us spread the word. To
get the numbers we need to really send a powerful message to our elected
officials, we need to rally the masses. I hope you'll help us drive
people to the event--especially your
members/customers/constituents!--whether by informing them in your blog or
newsletter, or by forwarding this note, the event's website (
www.seaofpeople.org) and attached info widely.
Volunteers Needed!
Please e-mail volunteers@seaofpeople.org if you are interested in
volunteering on April 14. More info about volunteering below.
The Details:
Sea of People Rally
for Step It Up 2007 National Day of Climate Action ( www.stepitup2007.org)
Saturday, April 14th
Noon
Battery Park (4/5 to Bowling Green; R/W to Whitehall St.; 1 to South Ferry)
www.seaofpeople.org
Free and open to the public
---
Volunteer Groups:
1- Arriving at 11am - 90 people to manage the participants as they form
the "sea of people"
2- Arriving at 9am - 80 people to assist with various tasks during the
rally (passing out banners, instructions, face-painting, etc.)
3- Arriving at 7am - 30 to help set up the park and banners on the "sea of
people" water-line
4- This isn't really a group, but we need as many of you as possible that
can stay at the end to help clean up… and we'll be doing some celebratin'
afterwards!
Please e-mail Volunteers@ seaofpeople.org if you are interested in
volunteering on April 14 with which group you'd like to be in. Also,
please note that all volunteers will need to attend a 2-hour training
session/orientation at Battery Park.
3 sessions available:
Sat. April 7, 10am-12pm
Sat. April 7, 2pm-4pm
Thurs. April 12, 6-8pm.
If you have any questions at all, please don't hesitate to contact me
here, or write to all the organizers at: info@seaofpeople.org. Thanks so
much for taking the time. We hope (and anticipate) that this will be a
truly landmark day in the history of our nation's climate change
discussion.
All best!
Sung Bin and the Sea of People Organizers
Hello there-
I'm working with a number of local community, environmental, arts, and
civic orgs to organize a rally and human installation in Lower Manhattan
as part of the Step It Up 2007 National Day of Climate Action. Our event
is called the Sea of People, and it combines the dynamics of a mass rally
with the expressive power of an interactive artistic installation.
Following a noon rally at Battery Park (in front of Castle Clinton),
thousands of participants, dressed in blue, will stretch north in two
columns along the projected eastern and western 10 foot waterlines that
may one day redefine lower Manhattan under the ten-foot sea level rise
scenario.
Both lines will extend approximately one mile north from the
Battery--roughly to the World Trade Center site on the west side and
Hanover Square on the east. We estimate that a line of this length would
call for about 5,000 participants, and no less than 200 volunteers to help
coordinate its movement and formation. Therefore the need to execute
successful and broad outreach prior to the date will be of paramount
importance. Please see the attached 1-pager and press release for more
info.
Spread the word!
We're dropping you a line because we have we have immense respect for your
organization and hope that you'll be able to help us spread the word. To
get the numbers we need to really send a powerful message to our elected
officials, we need to rally the masses. I hope you'll help us drive
people to the event--especially your
members/customers/constituents!--whether by informing them in your blog or
newsletter, or by forwarding this note, the event's website (
www.seaofpeople.org) and attached info widely.
Volunteers Needed!
Please e-mail volunteers@seaofpeople.org if you are interested in
volunteering on April 14. More info about volunteering below.
The Details:
Sea of People Rally
for Step It Up 2007 National Day of Climate Action ( www.stepitup2007.org)
Saturday, April 14th
Noon
Battery Park (4/5 to Bowling Green; R/W to Whitehall St.; 1 to South Ferry)
www.seaofpeople.org
Free and open to the public
---
Volunteer Groups:
1- Arriving at 11am - 90 people to manage the participants as they form
the "sea of people"
2- Arriving at 9am - 80 people to assist with various tasks during the
rally (passing out banners, instructions, face-painting, etc.)
3- Arriving at 7am - 30 to help set up the park and banners on the "sea of
people" water-line
4- This isn't really a group, but we need as many of you as possible that
can stay at the end to help clean up… and we'll be doing some celebratin'
afterwards!
Please e-mail Volunteers@ seaofpeople.org if you are interested in
volunteering on April 14 with which group you'd like to be in. Also,
please note that all volunteers will need to attend a 2-hour training
session/orientation at Battery Park.
3 sessions available:
Sat. April 7, 10am-12pm
Sat. April 7, 2pm-4pm
Thurs. April 12, 6-8pm.
If you have any questions at all, please don't hesitate to contact me
here, or write to all the organizers at: info@seaofpeople.org. Thanks so
much for taking the time. We hope (and anticipate) that this will be a
truly landmark day in the history of our nation's climate change
discussion.
All best!
Sung Bin and the Sea of People Organizers
Monday, March 26, 2007
Cat & Mouse
Annie was watching Tom & Jerry this weekend and becoming increasingly upset. She pulled me close, and in a high pitched voice full of urgency, said: "JERRY IS REALLY, REALLY MEAN TO TOM, MOMMY!"
"Why do you think that is?" I asked.
"HE'S JUST A MEAN MOUSE! HE PLAYS TRICKS! JERRY ATE THE CHICKEN AND THEN HE PRETENNED THAT HE DIDN'T AND THE OLD LADY CAME HOME AND THEN TOM GOT IN TROUBLE BUT HE DIDN'T EAT THE CHICKEN AND IT IS NOT FAIR AND JERRY IS A VERY BAD MOUSE. I HATE JERRY MOMMY! WHY IS HE SO MEAN TO TOM?"
Oh the humanity. What would a good mom say here? Hmmm. Perhaps the truth?
"Tom wants to eat Jerry," I explained, "Cats eat mice."
"NO! TOM JUST WANTS TO HOLD JERRY!! IN HIS HANDS! HE JUST WANTS TO HOLD HIM! SOMETIMES HE JUST WANTS TO HOLD HIM IN HIS MOUTH! HE IS A GOOD CAT!"
Ok. Perhaps I should consult Wikipedia:
Because they seem to get along in some cartoon shorts (at least in the first minute or so), it is unclear why Tom chases Jerry so much, but some reasons given may include normal feline/mouse enmity, duty according to his owner, revenge, or competition with another cat, among other reasons.
Tom rarely succeeds in catching Jerry, mainly because of Jerry's craftiness and cunning abilities, but sometimes because of Tom's own stupidity. Tom usually beats Jerry when Jerry becomes the instigator or when he crosses some sort of line.
The shorts are famous for some of the most violent gags ever devised in theatrical animation: Jerry slicing Tom in half, Tom using everything from axes, pistols, dynamite, and poison to try to murder Jerry, Jerry stuffing Tom's tail in a waffle iron, plugging his tail into an electric socket, hitting him with a mace and so on. Despite all the violence, there is no blood or gore in any scenes.
Good to know.
Why do I think Kip and I should start worrying about the type of guy Annie may end up bringing home one day?
"Why do you think that is?" I asked.
"HE'S JUST A MEAN MOUSE! HE PLAYS TRICKS! JERRY ATE THE CHICKEN AND THEN HE PRETENNED THAT HE DIDN'T AND THE OLD LADY CAME HOME AND THEN TOM GOT IN TROUBLE BUT HE DIDN'T EAT THE CHICKEN AND IT IS NOT FAIR AND JERRY IS A VERY BAD MOUSE. I HATE JERRY MOMMY! WHY IS HE SO MEAN TO TOM?"
Oh the humanity. What would a good mom say here? Hmmm. Perhaps the truth?
"Tom wants to eat Jerry," I explained, "Cats eat mice."
"NO! TOM JUST WANTS TO HOLD JERRY!! IN HIS HANDS! HE JUST WANTS TO HOLD HIM! SOMETIMES HE JUST WANTS TO HOLD HIM IN HIS MOUTH! HE IS A GOOD CAT!"
Ok. Perhaps I should consult Wikipedia:
Because they seem to get along in some cartoon shorts (at least in the first minute or so), it is unclear why Tom chases Jerry so much, but some reasons given may include normal feline/mouse enmity, duty according to his owner, revenge, or competition with another cat, among other reasons.
Tom rarely succeeds in catching Jerry, mainly because of Jerry's craftiness and cunning abilities, but sometimes because of Tom's own stupidity. Tom usually beats Jerry when Jerry becomes the instigator or when he crosses some sort of line.
The shorts are famous for some of the most violent gags ever devised in theatrical animation: Jerry slicing Tom in half, Tom using everything from axes, pistols, dynamite, and poison to try to murder Jerry, Jerry stuffing Tom's tail in a waffle iron, plugging his tail into an electric socket, hitting him with a mace and so on. Despite all the violence, there is no blood or gore in any scenes.
Good to know.
Why do I think Kip and I should start worrying about the type of guy Annie may end up bringing home one day?
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Annieism
Shopping with Annie. Passing the restrooms.
ANNIE: Mommy, what does that say?
ME: Men's Room. That's where Daddy and Jesse go.
ANNIE: What's that say?
ME: Women's room-that's where ladies go.
ANNIE: Where is my room?
ME: You would go to the Women's Room.
ANNIE: Oh No-I want my room to say "Angels."
ANNIE: Mommy, what does that say?
ME: Men's Room. That's where Daddy and Jesse go.
ANNIE: What's that say?
ME: Women's room-that's where ladies go.
ANNIE: Where is my room?
ME: You would go to the Women's Room.
ANNIE: Oh No-I want my room to say "Angels."
Friday, March 23, 2007
Jesse's Mona Lisa
Does my kid have TALENT or what? This came home from school yesterday. I love the use of stencils to carefully write the phoenetically spelled words--it is very DAVID KRAMER-esque in a way-dontcha think?
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Irrational Fears
I have several. In no particular order, they include:
1. PAN FIRES. You're happily cooking something in bacon grease, then woosh, a fireball appears. Inexplicably, I have had this fear since about the age of 14. I try to avoid frying at all costs, because in addition to fearing pan fires, I fear that if a pan fire actually DID occur that I would try to put it out with water--even though I know you are supposed to smother it. This fear causes me to keep a bag of flour close by anytime I am working on the stovetop. I need paxil before making the kids a burger.
2. GEL TRAYS. This is an irrational fear of someone trying to make a model of my underbite. Think huge, gag inducing plastic tray filled with something vile and gooey. I think this actually happened to me around age eleven when I got braces--but the memory is hazy and I'm not planning hypnotherapy anytime soon.
3. MY CHILDREN WILL CHOKE ON POPCORN. "Dad-can you rewind? Mom is standing in front of the t.v. telling us to eat one piece at a time again. And will ya make her move that Heimlich Maneuver poster out of the way too, please?"
4. SEA SNAKES. I don't actually know what type of water these things swim in, but MY GOD I am always hoping it is seaweed brushing up against my thigh.
5. THROAT CULTURES. I know they aren't so bad; so it's not really the wooden swab that causes my heart to pound and palms to sweat. It's the fear of vomiting all over the person who is going to stick that stick down my throat. Why can't we come up with a way for testing for strep that involves spitting into a cup or something? That's a walkathon I would pledge to.
1. PAN FIRES. You're happily cooking something in bacon grease, then woosh, a fireball appears. Inexplicably, I have had this fear since about the age of 14. I try to avoid frying at all costs, because in addition to fearing pan fires, I fear that if a pan fire actually DID occur that I would try to put it out with water--even though I know you are supposed to smother it. This fear causes me to keep a bag of flour close by anytime I am working on the stovetop. I need paxil before making the kids a burger.
2. GEL TRAYS. This is an irrational fear of someone trying to make a model of my underbite. Think huge, gag inducing plastic tray filled with something vile and gooey. I think this actually happened to me around age eleven when I got braces--but the memory is hazy and I'm not planning hypnotherapy anytime soon.
3. MY CHILDREN WILL CHOKE ON POPCORN. "Dad-can you rewind? Mom is standing in front of the t.v. telling us to eat one piece at a time again. And will ya make her move that Heimlich Maneuver poster out of the way too, please?"
4. SEA SNAKES. I don't actually know what type of water these things swim in, but MY GOD I am always hoping it is seaweed brushing up against my thigh.
5. THROAT CULTURES. I know they aren't so bad; so it's not really the wooden swab that causes my heart to pound and palms to sweat. It's the fear of vomiting all over the person who is going to stick that stick down my throat. Why can't we come up with a way for testing for strep that involves spitting into a cup or something? That's a walkathon I would pledge to.
Charlie Me Boy
I have been fortunate to work with some of the best and the brightest--and CHA-LEY is one of my favorite ex-employees, and one of the few who actually still speak to me.
He recently sent me a link to his new website which I promised to pass along to all 3 of my faithful readers. Enjoy.
www.barmondestudios.com
He recently sent me a link to his new website which I promised to pass along to all 3 of my faithful readers. Enjoy.
www.barmondestudios.com
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